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Absolutely loads to get through as there seemed to be games every day over this past week or so. Initially I wasn’t going to do the Round Up this week as I’ve had a lot of family stuff going on and didn’t think I’d have time, but the international break has given me some leeway and because so much happened this week I felt like I needed to do this. Ok, full disclosure, I had to do it just because of the buck toothed bolt cutter guy at Goodison. I couldn’t not have my say on that. I’ll get to that in due course but I’ll go in order and pick things up from the Saturday before last. Ronaldo bagged a hat-trick as United beat Spurs 3-2 despite being second best for most of the game. That’s what they are though. A poor team who rely on ‘moments’. Ronaldo is someone who still can provide plenty of moments, when he isn’t fucking off back to Portugal in a huff after refusing to sit on the bench that is. He put them ahead with a 25 yarder that I think Lloris should have done better with. The bigger problem was no-one closing him down, but still, Lloris is such a bum these days. You know, I don’t actually mind Ronaldo scoring because when it happens we all get to laugh at all the grown men yelling “SIIIUUUUUUU”. That’s as pathetic as anything you’ll find in any stadium in the land. Just pure cringe. Spurs levelled with a Kane penalty after a handball by Dalot. Or Telles. Not sure, I get those shite United full backs mixed up all the time. I couldn’t pick either of them out of a line up to be honest. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen either of their faces, I just see their name on the teamsheet and always think “is he the shit one, or the even more shit one?” Ronaldo made it 2-1 when Sancho broke the offside trap and squared for him. Amazingly, Ronaldo didn’t do the “SIIIIUUUUUU” shit for once and instead celebrated with his team-mates. Not sure I’ve ever seen that before. Not even joking. It seemed weird watching it. Some of his team-mates were looking around confused, probably expecting four fellas on horses to suddenly appear. Normal service was quickly resumed as Hapless Maguire put through his own net to bring Spurs level. Is it me or is he pushing double figures for oggies now? Feels like it’s every other week. He’s so accident prone it’s bordering unbelievable now. He’s like a footballing Mr Bean. Ronaldo bailed him out with a thumping header to win the game. Again, he didn’t do the “SIIIUUUUU” crap but he did give it the solo celebration and the whole “look at me, I’m the fucking man” routine. I reckon he jibbed off the “SIIIIUUUUUU” because even he was embarrassed at having fifty thousand grown men doing it with him. Tom Brady was in attendance and met with Ronaldo afterwards, causing twitter virgins everywhere to go into “GOAT MEETS GOAT” overload. Ronaldo actually has a lot more in common with DeShaun Watson and Ben Roethlesberger than he does Tom Brady. One for the NFL fans among you there. Also on Saturday, Brentford beat Burnley and I was generally ok with that. A Burnley win (or even a draw) would have put the Blues into the bottom three but it’s just as important the likes of Brentford and Leeds pull away and make it a four way fight at the bottom. A Burnley win would have kept Brentford right in it so this was fine. I still think Burnley have a couple of wins in them and they still have to play Everton too. There wasn’t much in it and Burnley had a great chance to take the lead just on half time. The problem was that the chance fell to Dwight McNeil and as I keep saying, he’s fucking shite. Cornet missed an even better chance and his early season flurry seems a long time ago now. He may as well have not come back from AFCON as he’s done nothing since. Hopefully they can get him firing again as he could keep them up if he bags two or three goals between now and May. It was all Burnley though and Rodriguez hit the bar with a dipping 30 yarder as they pushed for the winner. Then with five minutes to go they left my boy Ivan Toney unmarked in the box and he headed home. Then in stoppage time he raced clear and was fouled from behind by Collins, who was sent off. Toney despatched the pen with customary ease and Brentford are probably safe now. Leeds might be too. They were right on the brink of it but two hugely dramatic wins in a week have seen them pick up six points to give themselves breathing space. Rodrigo set them on their way against Norwich but they couldn’t get the second goal despite being well on top. Raphinha hit the bar after a fifty yard one-two with my boy Bamford, who was making his first start for what seems like 18 months. James went close too and also had a goal ruled out for offside as Leeds laid siege to the Norwich goal. It stayed 1-0 though and then the drama began. Norwich were awarded a pen after a challenge by Ayling. VAR told Atwell to take another look, he did and then overturned his decision, sending the Leeds crowd wild in celebration. Raphinha hit the bar again, this time from a free-kick, but then a minute into stoppage time Leeds were stunned as McLean stabbed in a Pukki cross to make it 1-1. That was a potentially devastating blow for them as this was a game they’ll have looked at as a must have three points. Anything less was going to be potentially fatal, and yet here they are conceding in stoppage time. A lot of teams would have given up, but the one thing with Leeds is they do keep going. They usually still keep playing when they’re 5-0 down so they aren’t going to quit at 1-1. And they didn’t. Amazingly they pulled it out the bag with a winner. Scouse teenager Gelhardt was thrown on and he won it right at the death by turning in a Raphinha cross, sparking wild scenes of celebration. It was boss, Leeds fans have been through a lot this season but this week has been amazing for them. I’ll get to their other game shortly, but without this win I doubt the other one happens. Leeds are just a lot of fun aren’t they? Watford have an incredible ability to be able to field a team in March and April where you look at it every week and see two or three foreign lads you’ve never seen before. How do they do it? They must have a fifty man squad. This week they had Samir, Louza and Pedro all starting. Never seen or heard of any of them until now. Hernandez got the first goal of the game as Southampton did everything they could to hand Watford a goal. They took turns trying to play shit back passes until eventually they succeeded. Hernandez added a second shorty after and it could have been more as Watford sliced the Saints apart on the counter. Elyounoussi stole in at the back post to get on the end of a Ward-Prowse delivery to get Southampton back in it but Watford held on. The thing with Watford is they’ll lose some of their remaining games by big scores, but they do look like they have two or three more wins in them too because they can score. Doesn’t matter if they lose 5-0 one week and 4-1 the next, because if they can follow that up with a win it keeps them alive. They still might finish above the Blues. We can but hope. Speaking of our unfriendly neighbours, my boy Conor Coady got the only goal of the game as Everton lost one of their two “must win” home games this week. Always liked Coady, top lad, very humble and self deprecating. Not full of himself in any way. As I say, top lad. Everton are shite. I know I always say that, but I don’t even mean it relatively speaking anymore. They’re legit shite and since the start of October they’re bottom of the form guide. Over a five and a half month period they’ve been the worst team in the league. Worse than Norwich. I don’t think people have realised that yet. The only reason they aren’t bottom is because they had a good start. In other words, Rafa might be the one they have to thank for staying up. Sunday now, and Chelsea needed a last minute winner from Havertz to beat Newcastle in a game that was predictably played to a backdrop of “bantz” about dirty money. Newcastle fans were exactly how I said they’d be when the takeover was first mooted. “Chelsea skint but the Toon are rich” was one of several unpalatable chants. I did laugh at “Mike Ashley, he’s coming for you” though. Chelsea fans responded with “Boris Johnson, he’s coming for you”. Yeah, good luck with that one. As for the game itself, there wasn’t much in it but Newcastle felt aggrieved at some of the decisions that went against them. They were denied an absolute stonewall pen so they had every right to be fuming about that, but all that crying about the elbow from Havertz on Dan Burn was pathetic. Both players went in with their arms up and it could just as easily have been Havertz on the receiving end of that. Havertz had his eye on the ball the whole time and as he said afterwards his arm was high because he was just trying to get extra height because Burn is “seven or eight feet tall”. The fact he went on to score the winner aggravated Newcastle, but fuck them. They went and lost to ten man Everton a few days later so I hope they don’t pick up another point all season (unless they play City or Arsenal). World class goal by Havertz though, that first touch and instant finish was sensational. Villa lost 2-1at West Ham as Moyes enjoyed a rare victory against Stevie. It was an emotional afternoon for Yarmolenko who fired the Hammers in front with a brilliant goal and then broke down in tears. Fornals made it 2-0 when he finished off a Declan Rice led counter attack. Rice is absolute quality these days. Shame that he's nailed on for Chelsea if and when they're allowed to buy players again. Villa pulled one back in the last minute through Ramsay but West Ham were decent value for the points. Villa are just drifting along until the summer now and I can see Stevie getting more and more shirty as the defeats pile up. Arsenal beat Leicester 2-0 because Leicester have been shite for about six months. Didn’t stop Arsenal from smelling themselves and thinking they were ready to turn us over in midweek. Narrator’s voice: They weren’t ready to turn us over in midweek. They’ve been playing shite teams for weeks, or teams who weren’t in any kind of form. You still have to beat them of course, and they have, but Arsenal always have this kind of a run during a season and it’s been like this for about 15 years. And every time they have that run, we hear that Arsenal are on the way back. Yeah, back in the chasing pack miles away from the genuinely good teams. The fixtures have been kind to them and they’ve taken advantage of it, but don’t let that fool you into taking Arsenal seriously. Spurs have sacked a manager this season and also had Conte offering to resign because he wasn’t sure he could fix them as things were so bad. They’re three points back of “resurgent Arsenal”. The laughing stock that is Man United are four points back of them. Don’t be fooled. Form is temporary, class is permanent. Arsenal have form, but they’re far from being class. Monday night was the game I’d had circled on the calendar for ages. I’ve been talking about it for weeks, how Palace were going to be a real handful for City and that was a game where we might make up some ground. And so it proved, although it didn’t really go the way I saw it going. 0-0 was not something I thought was likely. I expected Palace to cause them loads of problems and maybe score a couple of goals on the break. Whether that would be enough to stop City winning would depend on how well they defended. As it turned out, they defended brilliantly but still could have conceded four or more. They did have their moments on the counter but not as many as I had hoped for. So while I’ll take credit for predicting this as a game where City would hopefully slip up, the truth is that City played really well for an hour and should have been well ahead. Palace rode their luck at times but the one thing that jumped out at me was that the longer it went, the more comfortable Palace looked. The last 20 minutes should have been like the Alamo but it wasn’t. Palace held them off comfortably in those closing stages, and City’s players started turning on each other and had a look of panic about them. You know why? Because they’re just frontrunners who don’t deal well with adversity. If they score early then they usually run away with it. If you can go in level at half time you’ve got a great chance of upsetting them because they’re like the polar opposite of us. Our lads find ways to win despite adversity. They don’t panic, they keep going and will often win it late on. City don’t often win it late, they win most of their games early. They did very little wrong in this game and more often than not would have been well clear by half time. The Palace goal led a charmed life at times but City weren’t clinical and it ended up costing them. The Palace crowd were brilliant as usual, their players defended with all they had but were brave on the ball when they could be and in the last ten minutes I felt they looked more likely to win the game than City did. We even had Clyney getting under the skin of Grealish as tempers got frayed. Wonder if he said something about how the Reds are gonna catch them. I like to think he did. Conor Gallagher is brilliant. He’s a pressing machine as well as a really skilful, goalscoring midfielder. If Chelsea’s situation worsens and players start walking out for free, I’d be first in the queue to get that lad. I wouldn’t be arsed about any of their other players but Gallagher has “Klopp player” stamped right through him like a stick of rock. Guardiola did his usual “overthink when he’s under pressure” thing and made no changes even though he had Jesus and Sterling on the bench. Compare that with what Klopp did at the Emirates two nights later. Guardiola is clearly a football obsessive and in some respects a coaching genius. But he’s also an insecure little fucking weirdo. And what was that shit at the end with the Palace keeper? No idea what he was saying to him, but you could see Guaita looking at him and thinking “what the fuck are you talking to me for?”. Then you had Bernardo Silva going the full Kevin Keegan afterwards about “they’ve still got to come to us”. We’re in their heads. They aren’t in ours. That’s the difference. When I say “ours” I mean Klopp and the players. They’re in my head and I’m sure they’re in yours too. I’m looking at their results and fixtures all the time but I bet Klopp isn’t. On the other hand, I bet Guardiola knows exactly who we have to play and when. Spurs won at Brighton on Tuesday as the Seagulls extended their losing run to six games. They just need the season to end so they can go on their holidays. Spurs have the bit between their teeth now and are playing much better than they were. Sanchez deflected in a shot from Kulusevski to give them the lead and Kane wrapped it up having earlier missed an open goal. They should have scored four or five and Brighton are really treading water now. Not so long ago you’d view them as a tricky opponent, but right now they’re one of the first teams you’d want to play if you needed points because they aren’t scoring and they’re letting in a couple every week now. Onto Thursday. Wow, what a mad night at Goodison. The game itself was dramatic enough with Everton stinking the place out, barely offering any attacking threat, going down to ten men and hanging on desperately to try to salvage a point. And then out of nowhere they put together one good move and Iwobi won the game for them. Iwobi, who has done absolutely fuck all for them since signing for £40m. The most unlikely or heroes. That might be the goal that ultimately keeps them up but I still think they’re in huge trouble because - result aside - they were absolutely dreadful against Newcastle. It’s all well and good saying the points are all that matter at this stage of the season, and that’s true to a large extent, but they were so so bad that I don’t think there’s really anything they can take from it as a building block. Nine times out of ten they lose that game and if they continue to play like that they won’t pick up another point all season. A few days later they went to Selhurst in the cup and got battered. Lampard blamed the players again. Bad fucking tory him. Still, I am enjoying his ‘managed decline’ of the Blues. Of course the events of the game itself were secondary to the real drama of the night. The only thing anyone was talking about afterwards was that young activist who tied himself to the post and caused the game to be delayed for eight minutes. I was watching it live on Amazon Prime and it was great. How refreshing to see a broadcaster actually show us what’s happening instead of cutting away and having the commentator scornfully talk about “some idiot disrupting the game”. Not only did Amazon not cut away from it, they zoomed in and showed us the whole brilliant event unfold. It was glorious. You’ve got a lad who looked like a grown up Harry Potter, fastening himself to the goalpost with a zip tie around his neck, surrounded by stewards who don’t have a clue how to cut the zip tie. I mean, its just a bit of plastic. A stanley knife would have cut that in a second, but they had scissors, massive cutters and even a knife handed to them by a fan behind the goal. No, that actually happened. A fan pulled out a knife and tried to walk on to the field with it. The steward stopped him, took the knife and tried to use it to cut the zip tie, and when it didn’t work he only went and fucking handed the knife back to the fan! And no-one even really spoke about that because that wasn’t even the maddest part of it. The bit no-one could over was the loony steward who brought a massive set of bolt cutters to cut a little bit of bendy plastic. Now I’m not an expert, but a device that is built for brute force in cutting through metal is probably not going to be able to cut a bendy bit of thin plastic. If someone says “we need to cut through this cable tie, have you got a tool for the job?” I’m probably bringing a sharp knife or something with a serrated edge that can cut through it. Not a three foot long set of bolt cutters. But Everton will be Everton. The biggest laughing stock club in the land never disappoints. As I always say, their reality is way funnier than anything I can come up with as a punchline and this was yet more evidence of that. The image of the steward, with his teeth sticking out, giving it the beans with those bolt cutters and getting absolutely fucking nowhere is something that will stay with me for a long time. I can’t get over it. It’s so fucking funny. Eight minutes it took them before they cut through that little bit of plastic. And all the while their fans were getting more and more rabid. The lad put out a video of the whole thing afterwards and all you can hear are fuming Blues yelling “cut his fucking head off” and “fuckin’ get him gone” etc As he’s being carried off around the pitch they’re all screaming abuse at him and flicking him the V’s and making wanker signs. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in ages. It’s just a shame they went on to win the game in the time that was added on because of what he did. If they’ve have lost it in that time it would have been right up there with the infamous “Lonsdale Pitch Invasion” at Bournemouth. I can’t get over the hostility shown to that poor nerd though. They should be grateful to him as he put Everton back on the football map. I’m serious. This is the first time in about 30 years that the footballing world has taken any notice of something that happened at Goodison. He should have his own statue. Along with buck tooth bolt cutter guy. That win put real pressure on Leeds again, and it wasn’t looking good for them when they went 2-0 down at Wolves. To make matters worse, my boy Bamford re-aggravated the hamstring injury that has plagued him all season and had to go off. He was in tears on the bench, the poor lad. He had one of his team-mates putting a consoling arm around him and I like to think he was singing Bon Jovi songs softly into his ear. “I’ll be there for you” or “In these arms”. Something soothing and uplifting. I’m just fucking gutted for him, my boy just can’t catch a break. Life hasn’t exactly been a Bed of Roses for him this year has it. He’s feeling like a Monday but someday he’ll be Saturday night again. Keep the Faith, lad. Wolves went ahead when Johnny converted a Trincao cut back from 12 yards out in a central position. I guess you could call him….. Johnny on the spot. BOOM! Trincao added a second right at the end of the half and things looked bleak for Leeds. Then Jimenez was sent off for a second yellow card and the game turned on its head. That decision was an absolute joke but it helped Leeds win so I don’t care. The problem is that it was a second yellow card so VAR couldn’t get involved. There’s no way the ref could tell who fouled who in that situation. In reality, there was no foul, it was just a collision. VAR could have cleared that up but because of that daft protocol they have about not overturning yellow cards we ended up with a game changing decision that could have massive ramifications at the bottom. Hopefully. Harrison fired Leeds back into it and almost immediately Rodrigo equalised. He was booked for diving into the crowd but you’d take that yellow all day to enjoy a moment like that. Leeds pressed for an equaliser but the ball didn’t seem to want to go in. Chance after chance went begging but then in stoppage time up popped Ayling to win it. He waved away all his team-mates as he had a special celebration planned. And then he did it, and it was so fucking shit it was actually brilliant. He tried the Robbie Keane cartwheel and finger guns but made the biggest possible mess of it. A complete lack of co-ordination and athletic ability. It was boss though, a really great moment for Leeds fans who have gone from being as low as can be to now having two dramatic wins like this in the space of a week. What a game this was though. It had everything. So much drama. There was even a big kick off between the two benches. Leeds are probably the most entertaining team in the entire league, whether it’s good or bad it’s never dull. Saturday saw Arsenal win 1-0 at Villa to tighten their grip on 4th spot. They weren’t great but didn’t need to be as Villa were shit. You can see already that Villa basically go as far as Coutinho takes them. When he sparkles they look good. When he’s quiet they’re fucking shite. Getting sick of all this Arsenal love from everyone though. Fuck Arsenal and their “exciting young team”. People talking about them like they’re O’Leary’s Leeds. Just who are all of these boss young players? Saka, Martinelli and Smith Rowe. So three then. And you know what, there’s as much chance they’ll end up like Theo Walcott than go on to become big stars. And if they do become big stars Arsenal will sell them like they have every bog star they’ve had for the best part of 20 years. Probably to Manchester clubs too, the many enabling turds. Saka got the only goal at Villa Park but it was a scruffy effort that the keeper should have saved. Villa were really poor and Stevie got tetchy afterwards with Des Kelly, mocking him for his stupid questions. He was right to be fair, the line of questioning was shite. `”You just said there’s a gap between us and Liverpool, Man City and Chelsea. Well done Des, you must have put a lot of research into that” hahaha fucking hell. It was uncomfortable to watch but justified I’d say. As you may have guessed by now, I’m not buying any of the Arsenal hype. Not for one second. Smug wankers. Celebrating like they’d won a trophy, the bellends. I’ve gone from being utterly disgusted by their shitness to just being irritated as fuck by their unjustified sense of self importance. I’ll shit a lung laughing if Spurs pip them to fourth. Sunday now, and Leicester saw off Brentford but only just. Castagne was back from injury and he broke the deadlock with a thunderbolt into the top corner. Maddison made it 2-0 with a similarly brilliant strike from distance. That was direct from a free-kick that he won himself by basically just flinging himself into a Brentford player and hitting the deck. The ref shouldn’t be falling for that as it was blatant. Those two wins Brentford had have given them much needed breathing space because they probably won’t win too many more points. That said, they dominated the second half and should have scored a couple before Wissa eventually found the net with five minutes left. I think that says more about Leicester than anything else though, they’re really not the side that they were. Mind you, their European exploits will be taking a toll on the legs so performances like this are not surprising. Spurs beat West Ham to stay within touching distance of Arsenal and restore the balance of power in the Premier League. What do I mean by that? Look at the table. For the first time in ages the top six are the ‘big six’. No gatecrashers like West Ham or Leicester, it’s the six you’d expect to be up there. A Zouma own goal and a good finish by Son had Spurs in total command but Benrahma pulled one back just before the break. Antonio should have made it 2-2 and Kane should have made it 3-1, but, Son apart, the finishing in this game was generally terrible. He made it 3-1 when two Hammers players went for the same ball and Kane beat them both to it to flick into the path of his strike partner. I see Son showed his true colours again. A West Ham player kicked the ball towards him when he wasn’t looking. It hit him on the back of the leg and he threw himself to the ground. Horrible little fucking shit. Pathetic that, he should be suspended for it. Not that anyone in the media will make anything of it. They’re all too busy with the “Look at Sonny, look how he’s always smiling, isn’t he great??” spiel we get from all of them. No, he’s a little fucking cunt and him smiling all the time doesn’t change that. Fuck that guy.