Joke!

[Seanleonardart]

Just put Chilli Powder on my backside - on the whole it was a bad idea !!

 

Lost 323 calories today...seagull nicked my mars bar

 

My talking dog just told me he found a stick 50miles away...i thought it sounded abit far-fetched

[Gym Beglin]

Why can't Madelaine McCann play XBOX?

 

Because I've got a PS3.

[brucespanner]

Paddy says 'Mick I'm thinking about buying a Labrador''

 

'Fuck that' says Mick 'Have you seen how many of their owners go blind'

[Lucky Pierre]

My talking dog just told me he found a stick 50miles away...i thought it sounded abit far-fetched

What's abit?

[halewood pete]

Just packing for our holidays,and the wife says" have you seen my flip flops"?

 

"yes"i say,"now put your t shirt back on"

[Seanleonardart]

What's abit?

 

abit is another word for A Bit....the difference is there's no space between the A & the B...

 

if you look closely you may even see it...abit !!

[Guest Jon Snow]

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to America, so the other one could drive.

[Guest Jon Snow]

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

 

What a gem of a joke love it.

 

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

[llego]

Heres one

 

Whats blue and white and would kill you if it fell out of a tree.

 

A Refridgerator wearing a denom jacket.;)

 

I thought it was David Dunn

[Lucky Pierre]

abit is another word for A Bit....the difference is there's no space between the A & the B...

 

if you look closely you may even see it...abit !!

A made up word then...

[AL66GOLF]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,

Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

 

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

 

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only

have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn

agreed and again they made love.

 

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now

had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder

and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She

agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

 

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and

he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

 

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

 

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm

not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you

don't.'

[AL66GOLF]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

 

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

 

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.

 

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

 

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.

 

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife

As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

[AL66GOLF]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

 

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

 

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

 

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

 

Yes, I do' she replies.The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

 

‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

 

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

 

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

 

 

'I would have been released today.'

[Duncan Clench]

You're breaking the thread. Stop it.

[razor]

That Barry/Carolyn joke's good, WO.

[Captain Turdseye]

My wife phoned me at work and said, "I'm not wearing any knickers"

 

I said, "I'll tell the boss I'm feeling sick"

 

She said, "So you can come home early and fuck me?"

 

I said, "No, because I'm feeling sick"

[sybian]

What do they call a amimal with four legs and one arm? A Norwegian polar bear.

[halewood pete]

I was eight years old when it happened,

Uncle John came into my room.The sun was shining

and i was looking forward to another nice day,but,

young as i was.i knew what his intentions were straight away.

I was small for my age,but still i fought as hard as i could.

He was just so big,so strong.He forced me to do that terrible

thing and i was powerless to stop him.

The shame,hurt,pain and confusion ruined my childhood and to this day

i still wake up crying about it,but i was luckier than some.

That was the one and only time i had to wear an everton shirt !

[kidney]

I was eight years old when it happened,

Uncle John came into my room.The sun was shining

and i was looking forward to another nice day,but,

young as i was.i knew what his intentions were straight away.

I was small for my age,but still i fought as hard as i could.

He was just so big,so strong.He forced me to do that terrible

thing and i was powerless to stop him.

The shame,hurt,pain and confusion ruined my childhood and to this day

i still wake up crying about it,but i was luckier than some.

That was the one and only time i had to wear an everton shirt !

 

Right up there with your best ;-(

[Melchett]

I've been shagging a girl on and off for the last few weeks.

And by on and off, I'm referring to her life-support machine.

[halewood pete]

that fella who get ate by a shark didn't suffer too much,

he was only married for ten days !

[Pony Princess]

Whats got four legs and an arm?

 

A pitbull in a kiddies playground

 

How many Libyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

One to change it, eight to dance around the old one screaming and hitting it with their sandals.

[Cliff T. Beast]

I saw Michael J. Fox before in a garden centre. I knew it was him as he had his back to the fuchias

[Captain Turdseye]

I've just heard the terrible news about Simon Cowell's cancer.

 

He hasn't got it.

[Acid]

A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.

 

So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.

 

Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference.

 

So she does.

 

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow.

It says -:

“My darling Harriet.

To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up.

The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children.

 

When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms,2

 

Your loving husband, Harry.

 

PS. Your cunt is in the sink."