I'm best man on Sunday

[Spy Bee]

Do I go with "The Bride & Groom" or "name & name" for the toast?

 

I prefer the former, but my missus reckons I should go with the latter.

 

I'll post my speech up here on Monday. It's pretty good, but I don't know what the delivery wll be like!

[Indian Red]

Go for the bride unless yer gay

[Funkasy]

later, makes it more personal.

 

Edit: or you could say both

[Spy Bee]

"The bride and groom" sounds more traditional though. It sounds less common.

 

I could do, both. Hmm not sure.

[WaltonRed]

Good Luck.

 

I was bricking it but it went down well and then i got rotten so it was laughing.

[Guest The Big Green Bastard]

Iwould save the speech till after the stag do.

[RJ Fan club]

I've got one in October. I'm going for either the Bride and Groom or the new Mr & Mrs *******

 

It will probably be the Bride and Groom.

[Spy Bee]

I've got one in October. I'm going for either the Bride and Groom or the new Mr & Mrs *******

 

It will probably be the Bride and Groom.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, raise you glasses and toast... Mr & Mrs XYZ

 

Might go for that - cheers!

[Mel Wood]

Ladies and Gentlemen, raise you glasses and toast... Mr & Mrs XYZ

 

Might go for that - cheers!

 

 

Bloody hell, unusual. What nationality are they and how's it pronounced?

[Hermes]

Ladies and Gentlemen, raise you glasses and toast... Mr & Mrs XYZ

 

Might go for that - cheers!

 

"And salute the best man, Mr Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." :tease:

[Spy Bee]

Nice one Hermes. *unsure*

 

Okay. I thought I'd get a laugh and relax, but I was shitting myself all the way through it. The good news is that it went really well.

 

Here it is anyways

 

Best Man Speech

 

For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Adam, and I’m Scott’s best man. I’ve known Scott for twenty years. We’ve been mates for two whole decades, for two thirds of our lives. Some people will tell you that blood is thicker than water, but I can tell you that Scott -- is thicker than both!

Before I really begin the character assassination… Can I firstly say thank you to everybody who has contributed to make today the success it is. I’d also like to echo the comments of the previous speakers in just how fantastic the bridesmaids look.

 

And Helen, I hope Scott won’t mind when I say how wonderful you look today. Scott must really feel like the luckiest man alive! – But he won’t by the time I've finished with him!

 

When Scott asked me to be his best man I was really happy! But it didn't take long for that feeling to change into one of trepidation and fear, as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people. On that occasion I was found guilty and put on the sex offenders register.

 

Only joking, I’m only joking. That was Scott.

 

I’ve got a lot of very good friends and I don’t like to pick a ‘best mate’, instead, I like to think of Scott as a brother; an older, balder, less charismatic brother… Scott is my best mate, and he’s also my best man next year when I marry Sarah. So common sense says I should take it easy on him with this speech today… Unfortunately for Scott, I've never had much common sense.

 

I think it’s coincidental that Scott and Helen are getting married so soon after the general election. People will look at the groom in the same way that they’ve looked at the Prime Minister; thinking “How the hell did he get chosen?”

 

Scott was born on February 17th 1979. He was about the size of a small baby. He was very nearly named Tuesday. Because when the doctor first passed Scott to his dad, his dad took one look at him and said to his mum “I think we’d better call it a day!”

 

Unlike his beautiful daughter Lily, Scott wasn’t the prettiest baby. In fact, his mum didn’t get morning sickness until after he was born.

 

Me and Scott do have our similarities. In personality, I’ve always thought we were much the same, but he has recently been described to me as lazy, selfish, arrogant and insensitive…..and, let’s face his sisters should know.

 

The truth is Scott is a good man. He’s hard working, sincere, honest, and trustworthy. He’s a good laugh and a good lad. Me and Scott have been through a lot together. We’ve been the very best of friends.

 

First and foremost we’ve been good drinking buddies. From when we first started drinking -- in school -- right up to the present day!

 

When I asked a few people for advice on what the ingredients of a best man’s speech should be, they all agreed that there should be at least one anecdote about the groom’s drunken escapades. I certainly wasn't short of material!

 

In an effort to be concise I have decided to present my anecdote in the form of a poem.

The poem is entitled;

 

Why Tramps Are Smelly!

 

One night the boys went out on the town,

Scott drank too many and was acting the clown.

His inappropriate behaviour we’d come to expect

But nothing could prepare us for what came next

 

As we left The Black Lion and off up the street

Scott was stumbling upon his own feet

He stood by a bench and leaned on a poll

I could tell from his face, that he needed a bowl

 

The inevitable came, with a barf and a hew

Scott was evactuating gallons of spew

But it was not the bench that Scott’s vomit stained

For there lay a tramp and down on him it rained

 

But the poor tramps reaction was not within keeping

Cos this homeless fella was still bloody sleeping

So when a tramp passes by and you think he smells vile

It’s probably not his fault, it’s probably Scott’s bile!

 

 

I’ll leave you alone now Scott!

 

So to the wedding… Everyone has their own view of marriage. Oscar Wilde, said “Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many.* Marriage is the same.”*

 

Zsa Zsa Gabor said that “A man is incomplete until he’s married. And then, he’s finished”

 

A less cynical view on marriage was offered by Barbara De Angelis, who said “The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It’s a choice you make – not just on your wedding day, but over and over again – and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.

 

Before I do explain my view on marriage I’d just like to wish Scott and Helen a great week away. Scott likes to be a bit flash at times, so I must say, I was surprised to hear that he was holidaying in North Wales, but when I asked about the honeymoon he insisted he was going to Bangor for a week.

 

So to my view on marriage -- One thing that not many people know about me and Scott is that we share an interest in Quantum Physics. And in Quantum Physics there is something called Quantum Entanglement.

 

I’m sure everybody already knows this, but; Quantum Entanglement is a possible property of a quantum mechanical state of a system of two objects, in which the quantum states of the constituting objects are linked together so that one object can no longer be adequately described without full mention of its counterpart.

 

What this really means is that once entangled, the two objects are together forever. Even when they are physically apart they are as one. I think marriages are a lot like Quantum Entanglement. So Scott and Helen are now entangled. They’ve made a commitment to one another that lasts as long as they do. They are forever entwined.

 

And I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we are all proud to be here today, to share this special day with them.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding,

 

Raise your glasses and toast…The Bride and Groom!

[JohnnyH]

Very good. I hope her parents were open minded as the "Bangor for a week" gag must have tested the nerves....

 

I was best man last year, and while nervous beforehand, once it was up and running I really enjoyed it. This was my opening line....

 

Ladies and gentlemen. For those that don’t know me, My name’s Johnny and I’m the Best Man. Any of the gentlemen here who have done best man before will know how truly nerve wracking it is. However, I’m pleased to say that last night I slept like a baby – In that I woke up every two hours crying my eyes out and wet the bed twice. In fact this is the 7th time today that I’ve stood from a warm seat with paper in my hand.

 

It got a loud groan and really good laugh!

[The Golden Eel]

I used the names when I did it and, like Johnny, I was nervous before, but when I got started it was really enjoyable...

 

I started off with:

 

"What can you say about a man who is . Well, that's enough about me, I'm here to talk about XXXX"

 

Some eejit kind of ruined it though by shouting "Who are you talking about?"

[Remmie]

If you thought Spiby's jokes were risqué, I toasted rohypnol that I'd laced everyone's glasses with and the Groom's first post speech words were "You made it sound like I paid for sex!".

 

I also quoted power rangers.

[Spy Bee]

I was in front of a table full of olds. One of them had moaned about my mate having a child out of wedlock earlier on, so when it came to Bangor and the sex offenders register I didn't look in their direction.

 

I think it was the right side of the line. My mate was deffo expecting worse.

[Guest Numero Veinticinco]

The best man? You're bigging yourself up a bit there, pal. I mean you're good, but the best? I'm not so sure. Certainly not for an entire day.

 

Jesus. 'Best' man. Save a slap on the back for me, Spy.

[The Special One]

Worst line I ever heard was at my cousin's wedding. Mind you we're Pakistani so it was a bit stupid for these two lads to go to the groom 'Get ready for the worst 5 minutes of the night' and then turn to the bride and say 'Your worst 5 won't come till later'. Pretty much 90% of the room didn't get the joke and the couple were not amused at all. You should have seen the bride's face.

 

Similar note though was at this other wedding where everyone was a bit more chilled. The friend stepped up and said 'Ladies and Gentlemen, they say the best man's speech should last as long as the groom can make love to his bride. Thank you and goodnight!'

[Remmie]

Worst line I ever heard was at my cousin's wedding. Mind you we're Pakistani so it was a bit stupid for these two lads to go to the groom 'Get ready for the worst 5 minutes of the night' and then turn to the bride and say 'Your worst 5 won't come till later'. Pretty much 90% of the room didn't get the joke and the couple were not amused at all. You should have seen the bride's face.

 

Similar note though was at this other wedding where everyone was a bit more chilled. The friend stepped up and said 'Ladies and Gentlemen, they say the best man's speech should last as long as the groom can make love to his bride. Thank you and goodnight!'

Joke number 4 in the top ten most common groom speech jokes.

[The Special One]

First time I'd heard it. Made me giggle.

[Liverpool lad]

Not something I have to worry about, nobody likes me enough to make me their best man

[TE-23]

My mate was at a wedding where the best man told a story about the groom knocking one off on a plane back from Ibiza. Neither bride or groom have spoken to him since. Brilliant.

[sh#t waffle]

If you thought Spiby's jokes were risqué, I toasted rohypnol that I'd laced everyone's glasses with and the Groom's first post speech words were "You made it sound like I paid for sex!".

 

I also quoted power rangers.

 

With one gag I managed to mock both the groom (my brother)'s history of depression and insinuated that his wife was easy. My finest hour I feel.

[Spy Bee]

And the gag was?

[Carvalho Diablo]

Just back from Scotland where I was Best Man at my mates wedding...and my mate is an absolute, utter cunt.

 

Tried the opener : "Now, I was advised to prepared a few lines in advance, and I'm so glad I did...cos I snorted them 5 minutes ago and now I feel fuckin' great !"

 

Seemed to down well.

 

"...and I'm sure you'll agree that the bridesmaids all look beautiful today...scrub up surprisingly well don't they...especially that one !" ;)

 

Uh oh...in the dog house !

 

And the toast ?

 

"To love and laughter, and a happy ever after...Steve and Alison"

 

Ripped off but a knockout, nevertheless.

 

BTW - the bride and grooms wedding dance / smooch was a medley of Norah Jones into Smack Your Bitch Up into Kung Fu Fighting into Blow My Whistle Bitch and others...funny as fuck.

 

I'll try and find a link.