Joke!

[Jennings]

This is old but made me chuckle...

 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

 

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

 

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

 

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

 

The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

 

"Your badge!! Show him your BADGE........ ! !"

[silverlining]

This is old but made me chuckle...

 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

 

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

 

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

 

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

 

The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

 

"Your badge!! Show him your BADGE........ ! !"

 

Not so much a joke as a short, unamusing story

[halewood pete]

An american fighter plane was flying over Libya when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane with a machine gunner on board each of them.

Sensing danger,he shot both of them down.

Back at base he got an almighty bollocking from his commanding officer.

 

Apparently they were Allied carpets.

 

(sorry !)

[SlugTrail]

An american fighter plane was flying over Libya when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane with a machine gunner on board each of them.

Sensing danger,he shot both of them down.

Back at base he got an almighty bollocking from his commanding officer.

 

Apparently they were Allied carpets.

 

(sorry !)

 

look 4 posts back!!!!!

[halewood pete]

look 4 posts back!!!!!

 

Bugger!!

[halewood pete]

Asked my girlfriend for some hand relief last night,so she starting rubbing me with her car keys

Got the impression she was trying to fob me off.

[Da Bitch]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...

but she did.

 

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

 

 

 

 

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

 

 

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.

Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,

takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,

sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says,

" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "

Dave replies,

" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

 

 

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."

"f*ck that" says Mick

"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 

 

 

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

 

 

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the

biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

 

 

 

 

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

 

 

 

 

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?

You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

 

 

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?

she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too

 

 

 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine

until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

[halewood pete]

My wife reckons she can tell how good a film is by the number of tissues she goes through when watching it,

and funnily enough,i have a similar system!

[TheBitch]

My daughter asked me for a spider for her birthday, I went to our local pet shop and they were £70.

 

I thought, fuck that, I can get one cheaper off the web.

[TheBitch]

I was cleaning my house today with Mr Sheen.

 

Well actually, I did all the work, he just sat in the corner sniffing cocaine.

[stringvest]

My daughter asked me for a spider for her birthday, I went to our local pet shop and they were £70.

 

I thought, fuck that, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

Funny you should say that, my lad asked for a pet bluebottle. I went to the pet shop and the owner said "we don't sell bluebottles mate". I said "but you've got one in the window".

[Da Bitch]

What's a WAGS's idea of natural birth? No make up whatsoever!

 

 

What did the Jewish mother cash dispenser say to her customers?

You never write , you never call & you only visit me when you need money!

 

 

When I die I want to be buried under the local pub, that way at least I know my husband would visit me 7 days a week!

 

 

What kind Of cigerettes do Jewish mothers smoke?

Gefiltered

 

 

What is the most common disease transmitted by Catholic (Jewish) mothers?

Guilt!

 

 

Beckie,Sadie & Hannah are bragging about their sons.

Beckie says," My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London."

Sadie Says," My son has done even better than that, He is the best doctor in London."

Hannah says" My son has not done that well, He doesn't have a very good job & he's gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London & the other is the best doctor in London."

 

 

 

Four old school friends are having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman, says ' My son is now a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him " Father".'

 

The Second Catholic woman then says ' My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks in to a room , people call him " Your Grace".'

 

The Third catholic woman says 'My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called " Your Eminence".'

 

The fourth woman, a Jewish lady, just sat there & sipped her coffee in silence. So the first three women give her this subtle 'Well-?'

 

So she replies, ' My son is 6ft 6ins, has plenty of money, broad square shoulders,terribly handsome, dresses well, has a tight muscular body, tight hard bum & a very nice bulge. ' Whenever he walks in to a room . women gasp, " Oh my God." '

[halewood pete]

Just seen a dyslexic yorkshire man wearing a cat flap.

[halewood pete]

Bloke comes home from work and sees his son sitting on the couch with a big grin on his face.

"why are you looking so happy?" he asks

"i've just fucked the girl next door"he says.

"i hope you wore something"says the dad

"A balaclava "replies the son

[MOGLET]

I was on a bus the other day, and this lass said, "I'll give you a blow job for a fiver" so I thought why not?

 

When she finished, she cleaned me off, wiped her lips, and lit up a ciggy.

 

That got me thinking, what sort of arsehole sells ciggies to a 12 year old?

 

 

 

One for SL to think about.

[halewood pete]

Its round about this time every ten years I really miss John Denver,

He filled up my census !

[stringvest]

Some bloke on a tractor just drove past me, shouting that the world is going to end tomorrow. I think it was Farmer Geddon.

[silverlining]

Some bloke on a tractor just drove past me, shouting that the world is going to end tomorrow. I think it was Farmer Geddon.

 

*snigger*

[Seanleonardart]

My girlfriends convinced she is being stalked...........well she's not actually my girlfriend yet

[Trumo]

(It helps if you understand the Indian languages for this one.)

 

A newlywed Indian couple are banging each other 24/7. They become so weak and exhausted but can't stop, so they decide to consult their doctor. The doc says to only have sex on days with an "R" in them, so Thursday, Friday or Saturday. The couple agrees. On Monday the husband asks the wife, "Honey, what day is it?" She looks at him with a naughty smile and says, "Somvaar".

[Deepz]

Haha class

[Captain Turdseye]

An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.

 

The hitman says, "I'll shoot her just below her left tit."

 

The husband replies, "I want her dead not fucking kneecapped!"

[Captain Turdseye]

A dodgy looking fellow came up to me and said, "You see all this cocaine? It can all be yours for a special price."

 

"Forget it," I replied, "There's no way I'm kidnapping Jordan's son."

[TheBitch]

Jeremy Beadle would of loved the iPad. On the other hand, he would have preferred an iPhone.

[TheBitch]

Following the death of the human cannonball at The Kent Show a spokesman said, " We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre!"