One night stands

[Ted]

"ARAF!"

 

Awkward silence.

 

"What?"

 

"Araf... you know, that word you have on your roads. Slow, is it?"

 

"Oh... errrrmmm... yeah."

 

Mate, I'm in fucking tears at that. Brilliant stuff.

 

 

 

Also, I'm devo'd I didn't bring any stories like this back from Vegas. Next time, though. Next time.

[chrisbonnie]

 

True though, the last time you had a boss intended one night stand, did it end at just one night or did you call her in the hopes of it being more then just one night. And i don't mean in affectionate terms, just animalistic mind blowing sex?

 

Last time i had an intended one night stand (intended to do it to get the man out of my system) it was still going on over a year later. I assume like a drug, knowing you're about to get an ace hit is too hard to resist. If it's going on like that you can hardly call it a one night stand, no?

 

Has that ever happened though?

 

One night stands are always shit

 

I liken them to greyhound racing. The chase is the be all and end all, yet when you get the catch, its just a fake rabbit

 

As wise as Yoda I am :-p

[Skidfingers McGonical]

Meh, cheers for reminding me I've not lived. I'm 35 in December, I think i've a total of two one night stands.

 

One was average the other was utter, utter shite.

 

If only you'd met me melons.

 

It would have been two averages one night stands in one night.

[melons]

Fuck, that's embarrassing. I knew I posted something in here last night but didn't think i'd cringe as much as I just have.

 

Sorry Melons!

 

Recovered yet?

 

 

 

Has that ever happened though?

 

One night stands are always shit

 

I liken them to greyhound racing. The chase is the be all and end all, yet when you get the catch, its just a fake rabbit

 

As wise as Yoda I am :-p

 

That's the point though, if the sex was really good you make the effort to see the person again, if anything to find out if that night was a just one off. (i'm such a romantic chick, me.) If the sex was shit the second time, then you draw a line and make a run for it, if it's good then well you either end up in a relationship or continue testing the one off theory as long as you can get away with.

 

 

 

If only you'd met me melons.

 

It would have been two averages one night stands in one night.

 

And been made all the better if those 'chips' sunglasses stayed on. Phwoar!

[lifetime fan]

Recovered yet?

 

 

 

 

 

That's the point though, if the sex was really good you make the effort to see the person again, if anything to find out if that night was a just one off. (i'm such a romantic chick, me.) If the sex was shit the second time, then you draw a line and make a run for it, if it's good then well you either end up in a relationship or continue testing the one off theory as long as you can get away with.

 

 

 

 

 

And been made all the better if those 'chips' sunglasses stayed on. Phwoar!

 

 

Addictive personality much?

[melons]

Addictive personality much?

 

Yeah, galaxy chocolate has ruined my life as a result.

[lifetime fan]

Yeah, galaxy chocolate has ruined my life as a result.

 

Typical fucking woman. (Offence meant)

 

Why can't you leave a good thing alone? Just enjoy the good times and that's it, move on.

[Skidfingers McGonical]

 

And been made all the better if those 'chips' sunglasses stayed on. Phwoar!

 

Ooh your a kinky one.*

 

 

*I'll be honest, there is a picture if me in a pair of similar glasses, have you seen it? I'm also confused.

[melons]

Haha, yeah there is and it's been permanently imprinted in my memory.

[Skidfingers McGonical]

Haha, yeah there is and it's been permanently imprinted in my memory.

 

Where?

 

Not the imprint of course, that's yours to keep.

[melons]

On one of the threads on here, I'm going to be spending the next week looking for it now aren't I?

[Skidfingers McGonical]

On one of the threads on here, I'm going to be spending the next week looking for it now aren't I?

 

If you'd be ever so kind.

 

X

[Harry Squatter]

banged some rough slapper with big tits on the beach outside some bar in tenerife. I think i talked to her for about 3 minutes and i said 'fancy going outside?' I think about ten people stepped over me while i was in mid action. Walked her back to her apartment and had another go there. Turned up at my apartment at 6am covered in sand and white dust from walking across a building site cos i had no fucking idea where i was, must have walked past my hotel and carried on walking for ages. When i sobered up i managed to get my bearings. Got some weird looks off my mates who wondered where i'd gone the night before.

[Adebisi]

Ended up having my first in a while the other night. Was at the club with a few mates when one of them mentioned how some girl kept looking at me. I turn to look at her and she waves at me, pretty much knew it was a cert from there, but she wasn't really doing anything for me, I had my eye on prettier girls. A few doubles later and she's still looking at me, my mates tell me she's hot, so I go over and ask her name, then her number, then we go outside for a fag where she practically rapes my mouth with hers.

 

I ask her if she wants to go back to mine, like a 5 minutes walk at most, she says no, we'll get a taxi. I said "Well you're paying" and she did. £3. We get back at mine and if I recall correctly we just kissed some more, then one of us suggested we fuck. I had no protection, which she wasn't happy about for all of 2 minutes. I suggested just exchanged oral sex, but she nixxed that idea and undid my jeans.

 

First I was on top but it wasn't working for me, I'm very tall and get cramp on top, so I told her to get on all fours. She obliged for a couple minutes then complained her knees hurt. Back on top for me, pumped away for a bit and then shot my beans up her muff. I rolled off and decided it was my bedtime. She had other ideas and gave me a great blowjob for a bit, nibbled on my sack and sucked my balls was awesome, then she climbed on top and we went again for a bit. I dunno if she got bored but she climbed off after about 5 minutes and went to sleep. Until 1 in the after-fucking-noon. Snoring and everything.

 

In the end I woke her up and asked for a blowjob about 10 times, she refused. I tried to play with her a bit and she refused again. I asked for a handjob and she seemed less offended by the idea, but ended up just asking for a cup of tea and then she phoned a taxi, gave me a kiss, told me I was a pest and fucked off. Before she left I asked her for a rating. 6 and a half apparently. Her reasoning "You didn't really do much did you?"

 

Regret it now like. I keep having thoughts she's gonna turn up at my door in a few months packing a baby. Ugh.

[Section_31]

First I was on top but it wasn't working for me, I'm very tall and get cramp on top, so I told her to get on all fours. She obliged for a couple minutes then complained her knees hurt. Back on top for me, pumped away for a bit and then shot my beans up her muff. I rolled off and decided it was my bedtime. She had other ideas and gave me a great blowjob for a bit, nibbled on my sack and sucked my balls was awesome, then she climbed on top and we went again for a bit. I dunno if she got bored but she climbed off after about 5 minutes and went to sleep. Until 1 in the after-fucking-noon. Snoring and everything.

 

[Red Banjo]

Sure i'd be concerned about the possibility of some bird turning up at the door with a baby.

 

But I'd be petrified at the thought of those little white spots all over my cock and the various permutations of the ever increasing amount of STD's out there in casual sexville.

 

If she lets you blow your load inside her, chances are she's not overly fickle with everyone else she fucks. And judging by your story - there will be plenty.

 

Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

 

And not for contraception purposes, to stop it falling off man.

[Adebisi]

Indeed mate. I've actually just spent the last half hour reading about STDs. My mate gave me a call and asked if I was out later, I said I was feeling very cold and tired today and would be giving it a miss. The moment the phone call ended I was paralysed with fear for a few minutes.

 

Even though I'm 99% sure I've just caught what my housemate and a few friends have, I've gone from feeling very pleased with myself to shitting my pants in the space of an hour. Think it's probably a good time to get a check up.

 

Fucking hell, I'm a mong. Should have learned from the last time I had some girl accusing me of giving her something.

[Section_31]

Indeed mate. I've actually just spent the last half hour reading about STDs. My mate gave me a call and asked if I was out later, I said I was feeling very cold and tired today and would be giving it a miss. The moment the phone call ended I was paralysed with fear for a few minutes.

 

Even though I'm 99% sure I've just caught what my housemate and a few friends have, I've gone from feeling very pleased with myself to shitting my pants in the space of an hour. Think it's probably a good time to get a check up.

 

Fucking hell, I'm a mong. Should have learned from the last time I had some girl accusing me of giving her something.

 

A mate in work said his friend recently bummed - yes bummed - a Thai prozie without a nodder. Fucking Mark Fowler facepalm.

[Unrighteous]

Vaginal intercourse without a condom is actually low risk activity. You're most likely 'gots' are gonorrhea, or chlamydia.

 

 

A mate in work said his friend recently bummed - yes bummed - a Thai prozie without a nodder. Fucking Mark Fowler facepalm.

 

Hahahahahahahha!!!! Ok, that's high risk activity.

[Sugar Ape]

A mate in work said he bummed - yes bummed - a Thai prozie without a nodder. Fucking Mark Fowler facepalm.

 

Fuck me. He might as well have just injected aids straight into his arm.

 

I was in Magaluf a few years ago and one of my mates pulled this filthy Swedish bird and banged her twice bareback. He'd just got out of a long relationship and this was the first bird he'd done since then.

 

He was dead down and depressed the next day, just sitting there quiet sipping his beer and getting ripped by everyone. He said he was really worried he'd caught something, so I spend half an hour saying stuff along the lines of 'don't worry, I've shagged about 5 birds in the last year without a johhny on, if anyone has caught something it's me.'

 

I ended up even more scared than him, couldn't wait to get home and get checked out.

[Carvalho Diablo]

Indeed mate. I've actually just spent the last half hour reading about STDs. My mate gave me a call and asked if I was out later, I said I was feeling very cold and tired today and would be giving it a miss. The moment the phone call ended I was paralysed with fear for a few minutes.

 

Even though I'm 99% sure I've just caught what my housemate and a few friends have, I've gone from feeling very pleased with myself to shitting my pants in the space of an hour. Think it's probably a good time to get a check up.

 

Fucking hell, I'm a mong. Should have learned from the last time I had some girl accusing me of giving her something.

 

Absolutely nowt to worry about mate.

 

[Sugar Ape]

We've all been there Adebisi. See the sexual diseases thread. Nothing to worry about.

 

Of course, that's easy for me to say since I've got the all clear.

[Trumo]

We've all been there Adebisi. See the sexual diseases thread. Nothing to worry about.

 

Of course, that's easy for me to say since I've got the all clear.

 

Unfortunate choice of phrase.

[Carvalho Diablo]

Not really about a 1 night stand, but just got off the phone with my dad and I've got to tell you this, cos it's a beaut.

 

My adopted step-brother, our Chris has been seeing this fucking fat hewwer for just over a year, anyway, about 10 months ago he'd had enough of the slovenly cunt and decided to give her the boot.

 

Good choice, but a few days later the slags all over that fucking Facebook shite telling any cunt who gives a fuck that she's up the duff and our Chris's the dad !

 

Fucking idiot only slotted her without a johnny. But our Chris is a decent lad, albeit a right thick cunt, so he gets back with her, they get a place and they're all loved up.

 

I saw the two of them at my owld fellas birthday party last month, and he's buzzing about shortly being a dad, but that fat cunt seemed a bit disinterested. She even came outside later on while I was talking to my step sister, and she was chugging away on a Stella and sucking away on a tab. I told her it wasn't doing the baby any good but she just blanked me.

 

So, the baby was due on the 27th October, but they went to the hozzy today to have her induced cos she still hasn't had the bairn.

 

They get there and she chases our Chris off to work and tells him she'll give him a buzz when she starts on with her contractions.

 

Dinner time and our Chris drops into my dad's and step-mam's and phones the hospital to see if she's any further on.

 

The hospital haven't even heard of her !

 

He's head is spinning and he's a bit dim at the best of times, so my step mother phones the hospital back, surely some mistake ? Nope. The hospital haven't even heard of her, no trace, nowt...and she certainly wasn't booked in for an inducement or delivery. The fat lying cunt was never even pregnant in the first place !

 

After a few hours of trying, my step sister managed to get hold of her via her moby; the fat cunt says the baby has "died" inside of her, and she fled from the hospital, she's currently "hiding in some bushes" and considering topping herself ! Jermey Kyle, are you watching ?

 

The heartless scrubber has fled to her poor dads house, and that poor sod is doing what all mourning parents do - pouring his spasticated soul out to complete strangers on fucking Facebook ! She's told him the same pack of lies and he's been taken in...for now at least.

 

However, my step sister has gone round and had a barney with the fat cunts own sister, but she also made her phone the hospital herself to find out the truth. So now her family is in the know too.

 

Our Chris is apparently heartbroken (as you might imagine), and he's gone on a wrecking spree in their house. The poor kid has spent a small fortune on baby gear and done the spare room up etc.

 

Told my owld fella that in a couple of days time, our Chris will be counting his lucky stars that that fat cunt is out of his life.

 

Bullet = dodged.

 

Lower than a fucking snakes belly.

[melons]

That totally tops anything i may ever read in any trashy mag in any doctors waiting room.

 

 

Fucking hell.