Premier League Round Up (Dec 26-28 2016)

[tlw content]

Bloody hell, how shitty was Boxing Day? I wake up to the news that George Michael is no longer with us, and then the footy starts and every result goes against us. Just one long, miserable day that was.
 
24 hours later and Princess Leia’s death rounds off a terrible 2016 for boss celebrities. At least I hope it does, there’s still a few more days left yet and given the way this year has gone would anyone be shocked if it didn’t have one more kick in the nuts for us? 

 

The only crumb of comfort was we managed to get a win, because it would have been the worst Christmas ever otherwise. It won’t bring George back though, or Carrie Fisher. Both of those hit me hard. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I broke down in tears or anything and I certainly didn’t have the urge to go and camp outside their houses holding a candle the way some did (never understood why people do that). I just felt really sad. Still do actually. 

 

Star Wars and Wham. Two of the biggest things from my childhood. Most people jumped on the George Michael bandwagon when he became a solo artist and suddenly it was acceptable to say you liked his music without being mocked. Fuck that, I was an unashamed Wham fan and still am. Aside from my mate Terry (you may know him as ‘Ted’ on the forum), I might be the only person I know who prefers the Wham “Freedom” to the "Freedom 90" he did on his own.  

 

Loony right wing, talentless leeches like Trump and Farage have thrived this year while all manner of talented, generous, warm hearted people who brought joy to billions have been taken from us. 2016 - The Year of the Twat. If 2016 was a person it’d be Adolf Hitler. 

 

The only decent person who thrived this year was Claudio Ranieri, but with 48 hours left until we see the back of this absolute thundercunt of a year, I’d hope that he’s under constant medical supervision, just in case there’s one last sting in the tail. 

 

Anyway, onto the footy I guess. Since last week's round up Pardew has been sacked and Fat Sam has taken his place. I called that one last week but I didn’t think it would have happened quite so quickly. Just confirms beyond any doubt what I wrote last week about how the fat slug’s representatives will have been in the ear of the Palace board for weeks, as these things don’t happen that quickly without some collusion beforehand. 

 

I’ll miss Pards and hope he’s back in the Premier League soon, as like him or loathe him (and why would you possibly like him?) you can’t deny that the fella is funny as fuck with the shit he pulls on the touchline. Put it this way, who would you rather watch on MOTD on a Saturday night; Nice Guy Eddie Howe or Slimeball Pards? 

 

I’ve frequently made the Ric Flair comparison with Pardew, and I’ll make it again. Everyone can’t be a “babyface”, you need “heels” to make it interesting. You might not root for him, but you enjoy rooting against him. Say what you like about Pardew but the Premier League became a less entertaining place the day he was sacked. 

 

If Palace were going to hire anyone to replace Slimer then I’m glad it was Fat Sam though, as he too makes the league a more interesting place because he’s fun to root against. He’s just as much of a twat as Pardew, but in a totally different way, mainly because he’s not funny and he’s not a showman, he's just a big old horrible bastard. If Pards is Ric Flair, then Allardyce is Earthquake. 

 

His first game in charge was away at Watford and it ended in controversy when there was an incident after the game involving Zaha and…. Harry the Hornet, the Watford mascot. In one of the more bizarre stories of the season, Zaha - who had been booked for diving late in the game - was applauding the travelling Palace fans at full time when the mascot took the piss by doing a dive right in front of him. 

 

Allardyce didn’t see the funny side and wants the mascot charged by the FA. Fat humourless twat. Don’t get me wrong, if Zaha had beaten the shit out of Harry the Hornet I’d have had no problem with it at all as I’m all for mascots b ling beaten out of footy all, but calling for the FA to charge him is just lame. 

 

Pards would never have done that. He’d have gone out and banged Harriet the Hornet just to teach him a lesson. 

 

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[buster69]

Gotta love Harry the Hornet. Sam only wants them to clamp down on Harry because they clamped down so hard on him. And quite rightly too.

 

I do like a bit of Wham Dave but I have to go for I'm Your Man as my favourite. How fitting for him to die on Christmas Day though? Amazing.

 

Continuing on the Stars wars theme, we may have lost Princess Leia but we still have Jabba the Hut

 

Gotta love Harry the Hornet. Sam only wants them to clamp down on Harry because they clamped down so hard on him. And quite rightly too.

 

I do like a bit of Wham Dave but I have to go for I'm Your Man as my favourite. How fitting for him to die on Christmas Day though? Amazing.

 

Continuing on the Stars wars theme, we may have lost Princess Leia but we still have Jabba the Hut

[sir roger]

Spot on re penalties, Dave. I have been boring all my mates for ages about how goalkeepers and their coaches are shite at stopping them.

 

If a taker runs up directly to the ball he can only hit it with the top of his foot and has very little control , so just wait to see where it goes.

( Deeney, Baines etc )

 

If a taker is a cocky bastard of a player generally he will usually try to make you look a tit, so wait him out.

( Hazard / Benteke / Lukaku etc )

 

If the taker is right footed and comes at the ball from the left more will go to your right as it is easier to strike it that way. ( Reverse for left footers ) ( Stevie / Noble etc )

 

Luckily at present we have a taker who seems to be able to put them wherever he wants with great accuracy.

[KMD7]

Then Giroud went and spoiled it all, the big bearded, fresh from the salon looking prick.

 

 

Ha Ha!

[grazywalker]

I think Pardew would have just banged Harry The Hornets missus .

[Guest]

Gotta love Harry the Hornet. Sam only wants them to clamp down on Harry because they clamped down so hard on him. And quite rightly too.

 

I do like a bit of Wham Dave but I have to go for I'm Your Man as my favourite. How fitting for him to die on Christmas Day though? Amazing.

 

Continuing on the Stars wars theme, we may have lost Princess Leia but we still have Jabba the Hut

 

Gotta love Harry the Hornet. Sam only wants them to clamp down on Harry because they clamped down so hard on him. And quite rightly too.

 

I do like a bit of Wham Dave but I have to go for I'm Your Man as my favourite. How fitting for him to die on Christmas Day though? Amazing.

 

Continuing on the Stars wars theme, we may have lost Princess Leia but we still have Jabba the Hut

 

 

Could also be Rugor Nass managing Crystal Palace...

 

[Ipplfc]

Great report that,I thought we heard the quote of the year a few weeks ago with Michael heseltines "yes,I strangled my mums dog to death" but fat sams wins hands down "the mascot is out of order there isn't he,the f.a.need to do something there"haha,fucking hell

[AngryOfTuebrook]

The Mancs ruined Moyesy’s Old Trafford homecoming. I didn’t watch it as they’ve started winning again so I’m steering clear of the cunts as much as possible. I have seen Mkhitaryan’s goal on twitter though. Cream yourselves all you like, the little gobshite is offside and it shouldn’t have counted. Fuck him and fuck the Mancs. Sweet Smelling Fabio scored the best goal in that game.

 

The weird thing about that Mkhitarian goal is that he wouldn't have had to twat about the way he did if he'd stayed onside.  The ball in was perfectly placed for him to tap it in with the normal part of his foot, but he went early, so the ball was behind him.  I'd have ruled it out, just to see their fucking ugly heads explode.  The MOTD wankfest was beyond cringey, though.  Maybe we should have tried something like that with that Suarez volley against Arsenal that twatted against the post: the rules of the game say it's not a goal, but it was so good, it should count as one anyway.

[dave u]

I think Pardew would have just banged Harry The Hornets missus .

 

That's what I said, were you not paying attention?

 

"Pards would never have done that. He’d have gone out and banged Harriet the Hornet just to teach him a lesson."

 

I probably didn't word that particularly well on reflection.

[dylstar]

That's what I said, were you not paying attention?

 

"Pards would never have done that. He’d have gone out and banged Harriet the Hornet just to teach him a lesson."

 

I probably didn't word that particularly well on reflection.

Can you make it absolutely clear though

Do you mean he would of banged her with his dick or with his expensive Range Rover Dave?

 

Shit just realised you were talking about Pardew and not Arry Redknapp please ignore the comment Dave. Ta.

[dave u]

You've had a Jon Walters there mate.

[buster69]

Do you think Jon Walters keep scoring against us as Karma for your reports Dave?

[Vincent Vega]

Seeing as no one else has mentioned it, I liked your Bob Bradley sacked gag, made me chortle.