Random Crazy Shit

[lifetime fan]

[Bjornebye]

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Many years ago, 1986 to e precise, I was shagging this lass called Jane from Hitchin down sarf. Now at this particular time I was working as a Regimental Policeman in my Army unit and laid my hands on some real handcuffs, none of your soft shite things covered in fur, real ones. So whilst on leave I handcuffed Jane to the bedstead and proceeded to get her all wet and hot, then fucked off down the Angels Reply pub for a few beers. About 5 hours later I turned up shit faced and her wrists were bleeding and her fingers were turning blue due to the silly cow struggling like hell to release herself, obviously real handcuffs just tighten up further. To say she wasn't happy was an understatement, so there I was at 1am in the morning with my suitcases and nowhere to fucking go sitting on her garden wall. Anyway, her neighbour gave me a bed for the night but despite my charms wouldn't drop her knickers. Went back to Germany the next day but never did get my handcuffs back. 

[stringvest]

no wonder she was itching down south.

[Dr Nowt]

A mate who came on holiday to Thailand with us many years ago has been on a severe downward spiral for a good 20 years, and just constantly serves up new additions to the tragi-comic copybook.

 

During the trip he:

 

* Stood on a piece of wood and a nail in it went through his foot.

* Got bitten by a monkey.

* Had a striplight fall off the wall above him and smash on his head.

* Wanted to stay on one of the islands working for a local guy me and my other mate were friends with, who agreed to give him a chance after we had a chat with him.  Jake went for a "business meeting" with him all chuffed as fuck and full of a new lease of life.  Many, many hours later, well after dark, we saw the guy driving down the track to where we were staying, and he had a bundle of rags on the back of his bike.  As he got closer we realised what it was; he just dropped an absolutely stupefied Jake off without a single word to any of us and drove away again.

* Got hung over a 2nd floor balcony by me at the end of my tether with his drunken, abusive behaviour towards us.

* Got thrown into a cactus for the same reason, when he kept verbally abusing a group of Swedish girls we were drinking with.

* Took Yabba night and day until he had a meltdown, foaming at the mouth with bumps all over his arms, face and torso.

* Tried to bring Yabba back through Bangkok customs, to the point I told him he couldn't travel with us, then we saw him bowl into the airport and just march straight to the front of the several hundred people check-in queue, all but with a flashing light above his head saying "I AM ON DRUGS", and was allowed to check in ahead of them and then leave, in one of the most notorious airports in the world!  We were fully expecting to never see him again, having been absolutely unable to talk any sense into him no matter what over days, and the cunt just tottered off the plane at the other end smiling, happy as a pig in shit.

 

Other notable incidents are getting into a fight with his Mum where she stabbed him and he broke her hip pushing her off, when trying to climb out of a first floor window with some stereo speakers he was taking without permission from my mate, he fell out of it knocking the shit out of himself on the ground, before the speakers toppled out and landed on his head, and being beaten black and blue by one of the more frightening people I've ever met, after putting a song on the jukebox in a packed snooker hall, sidling up to him at the bar and loud enough for everyone to hear saying along the lines of "Do you fancy a dance, you big, fat, ugly, stupid Irish prick?"

 

We went to V Festival one year and were stood with him when a band called 'Less Than Jake" came on.  It still makes me chuckle now when I think about how perfect that is.  We don't see one another nowadays.

[lifetime fan]

A mate who came on holiday to Thailand with us many years ago has been on a severe downward spiral for a good 20 years, and just constantly serves up new additions to the tragi-comic copybook.

 

During the trip he:

 

* Stood on a piece of wood and a nail in it went through his foot.

* Got bitten by a monkey.

* Had a striplight fall off the wall above him and smash on his head.

* Wanted to stay on one of the islands working for a local guy me and my other mate were friends with, who agreed to give him a chance after we had a chat with him.  Jake went for a "business meeting" with him all chuffed as fuck and full of a new lease of life.  Many, many hours later, well after dark, we saw the guy driving down the track to where we were staying, and he had a bundle of rags on the back of his bike.  As he got closer we realised what it was; he just dropped an absolutely stupefied Jake off without a single word to any of us and drove away again.

* Got hung over a 2nd floor balcony by me at the end of my tether with his drunken, abusive behaviour towards us.

* Got thrown into a cactus for the same reason, when he kept verbally abusing a group of Swedish girls we were drinking with.

* Took Yabba night and day until he had a meltdown, foaming at the mouth with bumps all over his arms, face and torso.

* Tried to bring Yabba back through Bangkok customs, to the point I told him he couldn't travel with us, then we saw him bowl into the airport and just march straight to the front of the several hundred people check-in queue, all but with a flashing light above his head saying "I AM ON DRUGS", and was allowed to check in ahead of them and then leave, in one of the most notorious airports in the world!  We were fully expecting to never see him again, having been absolutely unable to talk any sense into him no matter what over days, and the cunt just tottered off the plane at the other end smiling, happy as a pig in shit.

 

Other notable incidents are getting into a fight with his Mum where she stabbed him and he broke her hip pushing her off, when trying to climb out of a first floor window with some stereo speakers he was taking without permission from my mate, he fell out of it knocking the shit out of himself on the ground, before the speakers toppled out and landed on his head, and being beaten black and blue by one of the more frightening people I've ever met, after putting a song on the jukebox in a packed snooker hall, sidling up to him at the bar and loud enough for everyone to hear saying along the lines of "Do you fancy a dance, you big, fat, ugly, stupid Irish prick?"

 

We went to V Festival one year and were stood with him when a band called 'Less Than Jake" came on.  It still makes me chuckle now when I think about how perfect that is.  We don't see one another nowadays.

 

Brilliant.

[Dr Nowt]

Brilliant.

 

Seriously, the guy in question was a really nasty piece of work as well.  Used to beat people up for certain people for a living, proper cunt.

 

Makes me laugh even now Jake doing that. The putting a song on first as a feedline and prop to his abuse is sublime.

[lifetime fan]

I'm going to steal that chat up line.

[lifetime fan]

I remember when my brother was working on the buildings, he was fucking his bosses 2 daughters without either of them knowing about the other.

 

One of them became suspicious and he managed to bluff his way out of it by convincing her he had an identical twin. Apparently he never mentioned him before as they didn't get on.

 

That actually worked for a month or so until he got caught by one mid act and she went apeshit throwing his clothes out the window and all sorts. He had to run down stairs in his bosses house, retrieve his clothes from the rose bushes and then go back and try and talk them both into not telling their dad. 

[AL66GOLF]

Funniest thread for ages - All out of rep

[Dr Nowt]

Can't believe I've left out Jake's finest hour.

 

As will be apparent to anyone who could be arsed to read the original post, he has deep-seated substance abuse issues and a major problem with human beings.  He tends to take petrol and a blowtorch to any of the few remaining bridges in his life.  As an example of a typical interaction, he was once in our flat when this rather large, gruff chap, a bit like "I wonder if he fucks arses" in Withnail arrived in a 3/4 length leather jacket to drop off certain items.  "You look like the shit pilot of a private plane which is about to fucking crash", he was immediately told, before lifting Jake off the floor by his neck.

 

At his lowest ebb, he'd been ejected yet again from his place of residence for being a cunt to his landlord, and had no family or friends willing to tolerate him at that stage.  He and a friend of mine were out drinking when they bumped into someone he used to lodge with, and his relatively new wife.  Jake asked if their spare room was still vacant, only for the guy to immediately tell him they had students and give his wife the nod.  She pipes up, laughing, "We've got a garden, if you want to pitch a tent".  Before the guy could properly intervene, Jake told her he would be grateful for the use, shook on it, and was off to Argos where he purchased a tent and back in no time.  He was living in their garden for a couple of weeks.  I like to imagine they gave him a shower with a watering can out of the top floor windows.

 

Anyway, his previous landlord was so incensed with whatever he'd done to get ejected, he tracked him down and stole his tent to get back at him.  The fella and his wife didn't let him move into their shed, last I heard.

[littletedwest]

The best thing about all these stories is they are true. No one could make half this shit up.

 

Mate of mines mum and dads house backed onto a main road and being near a rough pub had had a couple of fence panels kicked in. Guy comes round offers to fix it for 200 quid. Mates dad says yeah thanks.

 

They replace it, he pays. Two hours later their neighbour comes round, someone has nicked there fence and apparently moved it down the street.

 

Think the guys who replaced the fence were friends of Simon if you know what I mean.

[Boss]

Another story related to the bird that got bummed. She came from a devotedly religious Jewish family and took the "no sex before marriage" mantra literally, she ascribed this mantra only for vaginal sex though, she used to circumnavigate this by giving out blow jobs and partaking in occasional anal sex instead. One of my mate's ended up seeing her behind her parent's back for about 3 months, they had to keep it a secret because her family didn't like her even hanging around with gentiles, never mind dating them. 

 

He said she'd offer him anal sex but he just wasn't into that kind of stuff plus he remarked that her arse hole "wasn't in a fit state" which had me in fits of laughter at the time. She ended up getting an arranged marriage to some Jewish guy that no-one knew but it had been preordained. I can imagine that guy on the wedding night after doing the deed thinking "everything's in order here", lest he know the true extent of the damage.

[Dr Nowt]

Happy the combination lock at the front of his safe has never been cracked, when someone's removed the unit's entire back end.

[lifetime fan]

Years ago the girlfriend at the time was away for the weekend so I'd been out playing golf with my brother and we'd then headed out to my local for a session and he was going to kip at mine.

 

We're nicely on the way when we get chatting to a couple of young sorts, very attractive but I really wasn't that interested to be honest. I was more interested in having a laugh and a good drinking session. Any way this little blonde piece is determined she's going to pull me, I'm sure it was me not being interested that made her determined to but she said she'd seen me around and that I wasn't leaving that night without her.

 

Any way we have a laugh all night and these 2 young girls are good fun. We all go back to mine and I leave Joe downstairs with his and I take mine upstairs to the spare room. We spend all night fucking with a few rest periods to go downstairs for more drink until they both fuck off about 9ish as they said they had work.

 

About a week later I'm in tescos doing the shopping with the girlfriend and as I'm emptying the trolley onto the belt, well you can guess who is working on the till...I try and act as relaxed and normal as possible and start holding hands with the bird making it blatantly obvious we're a couple and to say fuck all.

 

Fair play to the young lass she says nothing but just gives me a knowing look and a cheeky smile. She's almost finished scanning everything when she then puts through the beer and wine but presses her buzzer. Another member of staff comes over and checkout girl asks if she can sell us alcohol as she isn't 18!

[Hand Shandy]

Rolf? Is that you?

[lifetime fan]

Rolf? Is that you?

 

Don't.

 

About 18 months earlier when pissed I thought it funny to text my brothers bird a photo of him snogging another girl, so whilst having to wait a while his revenge was sweet.

 

He kept texting my missus 'Mums go to Iceland, perverts go to Tesco's'.

 

The cunt.

[stringvest]

Another story related to the bird that got bummed. She came from a devotedly religious Jewish family and took the "no sex before marriage" mantra literally, she ascribed this mantra only for vaginal sex though, she used to circumnavigate this by giving out blow jobs and partaking in occasional anal sex instead. One of my mate's ended up seeing her behind her parent's back for about 3 months, they had to keep it a secret because her family didn't like her even hanging around with gentiles, never mind dating them. 

 

He said she'd offer him anal sex but he just wasn't into that kind of stuff plus he remarked that her arse hole "wasn't in a fit state" which had me in fits of laughter at the time. She ended up getting an arranged marriage to some Jewish guy that no-one knew but it had been preordained. I can imagine that guy on the wedding night after doing the deed thinking "everything's in order here", lest he know the true extent of the damage.

 

that made me laugh out loud

[stringvest]

Happy the combination lock at the front of his safe has never been cracked, when someone's removed the unit's entire back end.

 

perennial problem that

[Nasty Lizard]

My mate Mervin lived with his folks, and during the early 90's was bad on the clubbing 'gear' 

One weekend we go out on Friday - Shelley's in Stoke I think - His mum says don't forget your Aunt & Uncle are over from Australia and will be coming for Sunday Lunch. We go out on Friday, go back to a mates house and carry on through Saturday. He's fucking wasted. Properly. Eventually early Sunday morning he goes back home, wired out of his head, tripping and whizzing. -Paranoid as fuck, but manages to creep in the house and sneak up to his room without his folks hearing him and spends the next couple of hours trying unsuccessfully to sleep.

He lives in a house with only a downstairs bog, and he's dying for a piss. He's just about to go downstairs when there's a knock on the door and he hears voices - his relatives who last saw him 10 years ago, and which he had completely forgotten where coming round..

Certain that he cannot now, in his paranoid state, face a houseful of people he gets more and more desperate for a piss, but only has a wire-mesh wastepaper bin that obviously won't suffice. As a last resort, he has a masterstroke - He climbs out of his bedroom window, deciding that a complete no-show would go down better than what would otherwise be in store for him. Underneath his bedroom window is the front door over which is a concrete roof supported by two metal pillars. He lowers himself down, hanging onto the lip of the concrete with his feet 12 inches off the floor -eyes still out on stalks, and he's just about to let go when the front door opens, four faces look out, and his mum says " Oh, here's our Mervin, now..."

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Another threesome Steve Clancy my mate and I had went as follows. 

 

We were down the city getting pisssed as usual when we bumped into this lass who was up for it with me, I persuaded her to have a threesome and to our delight she agreed, she was as pissed as us btw. It was strictly against Army regs to have women in the block so we hid her in one of the lads cars boots to smuggle her into camp. Once we got her in Steve's room (I was fucked if i was gonna make a mess in my room) she did a strip for us and lay on the bed giving herself a good fingering, she was gagging for it. Anyway, Steve for some reason got a bottle of shampoo out of his locker and started cleaning her minge, he said just to be on then safe side, I thought, well if she does have the clap this isn't going to fucking help, she was just loving it thinking it was some sex game, there was fucking shampoo everywhere! I thought it would be safer just to take the top end, so there i was with my jeans around my ankles and my cock in her gob, Steve for some reason undressed apart from keeping his shirt and socks on and stood on the windowsill like a man possessed, he said I'm gonna jump from here to the bed like a super sex hero and land me knob in her pussy. All of a sudden the door burst open and in walked the Guard commander and two of the lads who were on duty, they were fucking pissing themselves at the sight which greeted them, especially Steve wanking himself furiously on the windowsill to get a hard on for his intended flight of fantasy.  Apparently we had been making a racket and some cunt bubbled us to the guardroom, so they told this lass to get dressed and gave her a taxi home, Steve and myself were stuck in the guardroom nick for the night and charged the next day, both demoted back down to L/cpl for that escapade. 

[stringvest]

Get Some In

[lifetime fan]

Brilliant.

[Bjornebye]

 Home on leave from the Navy. My Dad had a pub in Prescot at the time so I went in on the Sunday for a quick pint to say bye before I got on the train to Portsmouth. Beers going down well (It’s about 1 in the afternoon) so I quickly went down Prescot station and asked what time the last train to get me to Portsmouth will be. He told me 3:45 so I ran back up the pub and carried on drinking. Anyway, I end up a bit pissed and get back to the station 5 minutes before the time he said and asked him what the route was ie; times from Liverpool, where I change etc. He goes:

 

“You can’t get to Portsmouth from here”

 

“You told me earlier that the last train I can get to get to Portsmouth is 3:45”

 

“yes but you can’t get to Portsmouth from this station”

 

“Of course I fuckiing can I just need to change a few times so I’m asking you where I need to change!”

 

“If you swear at me I’m going to close the shutter”

 

“What are you being a cunt for I’m only asking you to tell me how to get back to Portsmouth!”

 

“You are being abusive now, ive told you that you can’t go from this station”

 

“You fat cunt of course I fuck…”

 

Shutter goes down so I carry on shouting and banging on the glass. It’s a Sunday so its only me and him in the station. 2 Minutes later I’m on the platform and 2 bizzies run over the bridge and arrest me. Next thing I’m on my way to belle vale police station in handcuffs for being abusive too him despite me trying to explain what’s happened and my frustration. Anyway, stripped, thrown in the cell, get my head down. Next morning up, in a van taken to Huyton magistrates, walk out into the court room and my dad is sat there. I’d last seen him less than 20 hours previous wishing him goodbye as I left his boozer. They start reading the statements including me calling him a fat cunt. I notice my dad laughing his head off out the corner of his eye so I start laughing. End up with a shitty fine and that was it.

 

Got back to the navy later that night and got 2 weeks punishment routines and a fucking 300 quid fine.

 

Fat train cunt. 

[stringvest]

Brilliant.