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The top four positions are virtually decided now, but what a sorry, half arsed, pathetic excuse for a ‘fight’ we saw from Spurs, Arsenal, the Mancs and (to a lesser extent) Chelsea to secure third and fourth spots. Chelsea haven’t been good, but at least they managed to hold it together and didn't completely shit down their own legs like the other three. Over the last few weeks the North London clubs and United have been losing more games than the relegated sides. Just an absolute shambles. Three of the four have European finals to look forward to though. Meanwhile, United are busy trying to decide which ex player they should make Director of Football. I've seen Rio Ferdinand and Darren Fletcher both mentioned. Maybe they should give it to Federico Macheda or Mark Robins? After all, they gave the manager's job to one supersub, so why not double down on it? They're shite. They couldn’t even beat Huddersfield this weekend. They scored first which makes it even worse. Mbenza equalised when a long ball from the keeper eluded Fat Luke Shaw and sent him clear. Shaw was an embarrassment. A big, fat, waddling around the field, mess. £30m he cost. Mourinho took a lot of shit for how he handled Shaw (I ripped him in these round ups too) but he was clearly right. That porky little waster isn't fit enough to play at this level. No wonder Mourinho was so complimentary of Robbo after the game at Anfield. That must have been like going to watch a Beyonce concert and then having to go home to Jo Brand. As shit as they were, United still should have won because Huddersfield are bottom for a reason. Pogba hit the bar twice and some might call that unlucky, but it's Mr Style Over Substance himself we're talking about. He probably did it deliberately because hitting the crossbar ‘looks cool’. I’m going to tell you something now that might surprise you. I quite like Solskjaer, and not just because he’s in over his head. He actually seems a decent enough fella and my disdain for him has waned a lot since his playing days. I want to hate him but he’s making it difficult by being so damn decent. I'm sure the mask will slip eventually though. So anyway, that was United's top four hopes down the shitter, and Arsenal’s are just about still hanging around at the bottom of the bowl, waiting for one final flush send them round the u-bend. Their recent league form has been abysmal, and that continued with a draw at home to Brighton that means they need a miracle to sneak into the top four. They have to win and not only hope that Spurs lose, but that there’s also an eight goal swing. Aubamayeng put them ahead from the spot after Monreal had made the most of minimal contact following a good challenge in which he lad won the ball. Glenn Murray equalised, also from the spot, after Solly March had been clipped by the Swiss Charlie Adam. Brighton were alright. The pressure was finally off them and they played with a bit of freedom and had one or two decent counter attacks. I’m not expecting them to do anything against City as this was the best they’ve played in months and they still should have lost by four. The reason they didn’t was that Matt Ryan was good and Arsenal’s finishing was not. Gross missed an absolute sitter though. Hopefully he’s saving his goal for this weekend as he’s gone public about how we deserve to win the league and he’ll be going all out to help us. It’s nice to hear, but James Maddison (and Jamie Vardy’s wife!) said similar last week. Ultimately it means nothing unless they deliver. Arsenal though. They had to do a lap of honour in front of an empty stadium and the players just looked utterly abject. The same fans who fucked off and refused to acknowledge their team will be lapping it up if they beat Chelsea in the Europa Final though. Hopefully they won’t beat Chelsea. Ordinarily Arsenal would be the lesser of two evils but this time I’d prefer Chelsea to win because being in the Champions League isn’t going to help them attract any big signings because they can’t buy anyone. Arsenal can make signings, so let them stay in the Europa, where they belong. All those years they taunted us with “Thursday night, channel five” and now look at them. The worm has well and truly turned. Now they’re reduced to supporting us in the Champions League Final because they’re terrified in case Spurs win it. That’s assuming they aren’t going to go all Man United on us and pledge their support to their neighbours While Arsenal's and United’s bids to make the top four were ending with all the force of a wet fart, Chelsea were moving above Spurs into third with a comfortable enough win over Watford at the Bridge. Loftus-Cheek had been left on the bench despite his good recent form, but an injury for Kante meant he came on early and he was the one to break the deadlock with a close range header from a Hazard cross. Luis headed in from a corner two minutes later and Higuian added a third with a delicious linked finish. This is his level. An end of season stroll against the likes of Watford. Bet he does absolutely fuck all in the Europa Final. Gary Cahill has had a lot to say about Sarri of late, and not much of it has been complimentary. The Italian still showed some class by sending him on for the final minutes for his last Chelsea appearance. Hazard may have played his last game at Stamford Bridge too, and if so then he signed out in style by slotting the winning pen to send them to the Europa Final. It’s an interesting dilemma for them. They’ve got a transfer ban so even if they get a huge fee they can’t spend it. Maybe they see Pulisic as his replacement, but it must be tempting for them to just say “fuck it” and make him stay. There’s two ways to look at it. One is that Hazard is a huge asset who they would command a fee of £100m+ even though he only has a year left on his deal. The other view is that they only paid £30m for him and they’ve had ten times that amount back from him in terms of his contribution to the club. So make him stay one more year and let him leave for free, by which time they can buy players again. The risk with that is he might just down tools like he did when he wanted Mourinho out. Basically there’s no good outcome here for Chelsea, they need to just work out what’s the least shitty scenario. If they sell him and have to stick with what they currently have, they’ll be vulnerable next year and the likes of Wolves and Leicester will fancy their chances of overhauling them. If they keep him and he becomes a free agent, they have no control over where he ends up. Hell, we might even make him an offer. Imagine that. It wasn’t so long ago that I couldn’t stand Hazard. I didn’t like his face, I didn’t like his diving and I hated how he was always class against us. When you see him interviewed though it’s hard not to warm to him, and he really won me over the other week when I saw how he was acting in the tunnel before we played them at Anfield. It was on that ‘Inside Anfield’ thing the club release, with the behind the scenes footage. There were two young Liverpool mascots in the tunnel and Hazard made his way over there to chat with them and share a joke. He didn’t have to do that and it just made me think “what a sound fella”. So yeah, if Chelsea force him to stay then in 12 months time we should throw the kitchen sink at him. Problem is, he seems like the sort of lad who wouldn’t do it out of respect for Chelsea. But if they make him stay against his will then who knows? Staying with the top four scrap, what a crazy game that was at Bournemouth. Spurs had two players sent off but hung on to a 0-0 with nine men until finally conceding to Nathan Ake in stoppage time to suffer their 13th defeat in the league. Mark Travers, a 19 year old Irish keeper, was given a start for Bournemouth. Boruc was dropped to the bench and presumably Begovic was out shopping with his missus or something, as Nice Guy Eddie has clearly had his fill of him and rightly so. Moura nearly scored from inside his own half but his shot was a yard wide with the teenage keeper nowhere. Alli was then denied by the keeper, who then pulled off another save to keep out Moura and then another to stop Alli once again. Dier was skating on thin ice though. He was booked early on and the home fans were screaming for a red card when he lunged in on King. He never got the ball but it looked in real time like he did so it was a tough one for the ref. You have to wonder what the fuck he was thinking making a tackle like that when already on a yellow. He then got away with another ridiculous one when he booted Wilson in the box but Craig Pawson gave nothing. Unbelievable. You won’t see a more obvious penalty than that. Dier’s either got some compromising pics of Pawson or he's got nine lives. Son wasn’t so lucky. Pawson was definitely within his rights to send him off but I don’t like seeing players go for things like that. Lermer has a go at him first, and Son really didn’t do much at all. Lermer throws himself to the floor and Pawson bought it, even though he was stood only two yards away. Son belatedly threw himself to the floor too, which was just an embarrassing act of desperation. Foyth then came on at half time and was then sent off within seconds for a wild lunge. Mental that. The funniest bit is that he was brought on for Alderweireld because Pochettino was worried that the Belgian might get a second yellow. Foyth comes on and the first thing he does is THAT? How do you deal with that though? Whenever something like that happened to me on footy manager I’d usually transfer list the player immediately, and when you get the option of what to say to the press, I’d always go public and hammer the thick twat. Usually it would result in a dressing room revolt, and I’d have to transfer list all the dissenters too. Still, they always knew who was boss. From the top end of the table to the bottom now, where Cardiff will be kicking themselves after losing at home to Wilfried Palace. That’s it for them now, they’re down, which will be frustrating as fuck as their final game was against United, so they’d have fancied their chances of winning that. Zaha broke the deadlock with a low shot but Martin Kelly put through his own net to get Cardiff back in it. Batshuayi restored the Palace lead and would have doubled it but for a brilliant save by Etheridge. He’s been great this season, he’s better than probably 75% of the other keepers in the league. Cardiff battled and had a couple of chances but they got done by trademark Andros Townsend goal, as he carried the ball from his own half on a counter attack, before cutting in from the right and smashing a shot in off the post. Cardiff hit the post and the Palace keeper made a couple of great saves before Bobby Reid eventually pulled one back late on. The defeat sends them down and most would say they won’t be missed, but for me the league is a little bit duller without the antics of Warnock. I also like their captain, Sean Morrison. Comes across as a top lad every time I’ve seen him interviewed and he’s a proper old school pro. Warnock said this was one of his best seasons in management and I’d agree. Look at that squad. For them to have still been in with a shot of staying up so late in the season was an achievement in itself, especially given how many points they’ve had stolen from them by terrible officiating. I don’t think they’ll come straight back up though, and nor will Fulham now that they've given the job to good old Scotty Parker. They travelled to Molyneux to face Wolves. Both teams were promoted last season but have since gone in opposite directions. Fulham spent over £100m last summer only to get themselves relegated. Wolves didn’t spend much as they’ve chosen to go down the human trafficking route instead and it’s worked out great for them. The Wolves fans were all wearing masks because Raul Jiminez wore one to celebrate a goal last week. Cringey bastards. There’s a lot I’d like to say but we play them this week so my mouth is being kept firmly shut. Mitrovic missed a sitter and you have to say he’s been fucking shite in the second half of the season. He was boss early on but he’s missing good chances every week. Might have played himself out of a move to another Premier League club. Dendoncker volleyed the winner with 15 minutes left to ensure a 7th placed finish for Wolves no matter what happens this weekend. Down at the London Stadium, Marko Arnautovic made his first meaningful contribution in months when he scored twice against Southampton. Ryan Fredericks added the third to wrap up an easy win for the Hammers over a Saints side who looked like they were already on the beach. Wait, before I forget, Everton beat Burnley on Friday night. I won’t waste your time by elaborating further, other than to say it wasn’t enough to get them out of their customary last spot on MOTD. “Yeah but it was the Friday night game so that’ll be why”. Nope. We were on first after we played Huddersfield on a Friday. Monday night now. *deep breath* I didn’t watch it live as it’s too stressful watching City right now. Instead I was laying a laminate floor in the garage (which I’m converting into an office) so my plan was do that and completely avoid this game until full time. It’s hard though isn’t it? I couldn't help myself and kept checking my phone to see what the lads were saying about it on WhatsApp. You can't help but get your hopes up when it goes for so long without them scoring, but there was still something inevitable about it. I wish it had been their usual standard goal though, the low cross and back post tap in. That would have been easier to take than how they actually did it. All I’ve seen from this game is the Kompany goal and the Iheanacho miss. Both were a massive slap in the face. That bulb head Kompany has been playing since the fucking 1980s and has never hit a shot like that in his entire fucking life. At least when it happened there were still 20 minutes to go. I mean imagine if that was the last minute? It might have finished me off completely. Still, it’s pretty galling that he was even still on the pitch at that stage, given that everyone I’ve spoken to who watched it reckoned he should have been sent off. A fella I know is a Leicester fan and he was fuming about it all because he reckoned Silva should have gone as well. Instead, the most card happy cunt to ever blow a whistle, the biggest attention seeking “everyone look at me” twat to ever brandish a notebook and pencil, decided to keep his red card in his pocket for once. Thanks for nothing Mike Dean, you fucking bird faced baldy little non-scouse bastard. The thing that really got to me though was the Iheanacho miss, and specifically how no-one in the media seems to have called that for what it actually was. By that, I mean it was fucking deliberate. It's fucking sabotage, the cheating little shitbag. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. It couldn’t be any more obvious when you watch it. That’s someone who not only doesn’t want to score, but wants to miss the target by as much as possible just to be on the safe side. “Stop with the conspiracy theories, he’s just shit”. No, he’s not. Well yes he is, but only in relative terms. He’s still a Premier League footballer. I’m shit and I don’t think I ever missed the target by that much from that position unless I completely miscued it. He didn’t miscue. It was a sweet strike, good connection, and it went exactly where the manc cunt was aiming. Six yards wide of the goal. It was like that Diana Ross penalty in the World Cup opening ceremony. I really hope his team-mates let him fucking have it after that game. They’re out there giving everything they have, and that twat comes off the bench and does THAT? It’s not even questionable, it’s as clear as day. He might think Guardiola is a knob but he obviously wants his mates to win the title, and he screwed over his current team-mates to help out his old ones. If City win the title they should give him a medal, as he’s done more to earn one than the likes of fucking Mahrez, Danilo and Mendy have. Hopefully none of the cunts get medals though. Come on, Brighton, it's all on you now lads.