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A fireman requested a satellite dish to be installed on the roof of his workplace. His boss refused, saying "You are getting ideas above your station".

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One for Mook and jnp...

 

 

A wagon train of settlers are deep into Indian territory. 

 

As they're coming to the top of a hill, one of the settlers says  "I don't like the sound of those drums"

 

An Indian shouts back  "He's not our regular drummer"

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Guest Pistonbroke

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

 

11403062_877313789028995_779693791981424

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The Top Ten

 

1.    "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

2.    "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3.    "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4.    "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

5.    "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

6.    "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

7.    "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

8.    "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

8.   "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery (tied with joke above) 

10.  "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

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Guest Super Sub

Just head a belter on the guardians football podcast.

 

Wayne Rooney goal drought is over, he is like London busses, big and red and will pick up your granny.

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Just head a belter on the guardians football podcast.

 

Wayne Rooney goal drought is over, he is like London busses, big and red and will pick up your granny.

Ha. James Richardson?

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St Peter is stood at the pearly gates. Four nuns appear. St Peter says, "Before I can let you into Heaven, you need to each confess your sins."

The first nun says, "I once saw a penis." St Peter says, "Ok, go wash your eyes in the holy water and I will let you in to Heaven."

The second nun says, "I once touched a penis." St Peter says, "Ok, go and wash your hands in the holy water and I will let you into Heaven."

The third nun starts pushing the fourth nun out of the way. St Peter says, "Oh oh oh what's going on here?"

The third nun replies, " I want to wash me gob in the holy water before she puts her arse in it."

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I once saw a woman with 12 nipples.  Sounds weird, dozen tit.

 

I once saw a woman with 4 nipples.  Impressive, but compared to the woman you saw, she lacked eight.

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A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled."

 

 

The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

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