One night stands

[GJM]

Paris, 1987. 4 of us sharing a room in a shithouse hotel, 17yrs old and pretending like we have enough money to go on holiday properly. 2am, leaning out of hotel window with wine bottle, shout out something utterly banal to two birds below (something witty and perceptive like 'hey, you, what are you doing?'). Turn out to be english. We invite them up to the room, not believing for one second that they would. They turn up, having drunk more than we had (they were from York, I remember that much, and have since always associated the city with drunk and slightly overweight women). Neither is what you would call an oil painting, but one is a bit cross eyed so we call her 'Clarence' (as in 'Clarence the Cross Eyed Lion' - slightly obscure and not very good movie). The other one is a tad heavy, but get's better with every glass. It turns out to be very much a case of last man standing. Luckily, or so I thought at the time, I was last man. Clarence has fucked off to bed, mates are passing out, so we go back to her room. Suffice to say it's hardly the karma sutra, but I'm happy enough until, midway through, the room is illuminated in a blinding glare and there, sat bolt upright next to me in the bed is Clarence, bellowing 'Of fooookin'ell Rowena, did you fookin' 'ave to?!'. I had no idea she was there in the bed with us. Gave me a proper fright.

 

A mate of mine got pulled by a real hog one night when he was near comatosed in some sleazy nightclub. He claims that she 'practically raped me'. He woke up in the morning and was so disgusted at what had happened that he took retribution by pissing on her kitchen floor before leaving. Is that ever acceptable? I don't think it is but he begged to differ.

 

I have no idea why I am sharing this with strangers.

[Unrighteous]

I have no idea why I am sharing this with strangers.

 

:yes: Because it's fucking quality.

[Unrighteous]

My mate cracks me up with some of the shit he gets up to. He had a scrap with a copper in Southport and it went through the courts, he ended up having to wear a tag but tried to keep it a secret from everyone in work. We went to Leeds working and he pulled the posh bird out of the office. Think Tinhead from Brookie pulling Liz Hurley or some member of teh Royal family. Next day in work we ask him how he got on after leavin the pub with teh posh bird. He just gets his mobile out and says "look at this" - you then see her on all 4's on the bed and him smashing the back out of her shouting "Who's the man in Leeds, who's the fuckin man in Leeds?" She then pipes up - "Why have you got your phone out?" - he says "I'm just texting my mate", somehow in the height of all this passion he manages to keep his socks on so the bird can't see the tag on his ankle.

 

Hahaha... Ace.

[Randy Marsh]

Been out all day on the piss watchin all the futy like, then come home, got showered, and been out all night watching dirty sanchez. I was on a promise from a flat mate. Come back to hers, whacked the jonny on, too bladderd to perform, left her room and said id bang her on thursday when im off work. So thats a "nearly" for the one night stand list. never mind

[WaltonRed]

Been out all day on the piss watchin all the futy like, then come home, got showered, and been out all night watching dirty sanchez. I was on a promise from a flat mate. Come back to hers, whacked the jonny on, too bladderd to perform, left her room and said id bang her on thursday when im off work. So thats a "nearly" for the one night stand list. never mind

 

I feel your pain, I feel your shame, but your not to blame!

[Owen]

Ha, that was a gloriously pathetic hissy-fit. Nice one.

[Remmie]

Gotta love the opposite of a cock-blocker and taking one for the team. I fucked a Scottish chick called Yvonne, the only thing of note was that she wanted my shirt as she loved it so I agreed to give it to her if I could have her knickers. Thing is, her mate was absolute Horendi and we called her Oliver Khan- the resemblance was uncanny. My mate Andy took one for the team and shagged this monstrosity while I was getting mine. It was about 6am and Yvonne wanted to go home so I saved Andy from any more and made out that Yvonne needed to go immediately so he wouldn't be stuck with Oli Khan. I still cringe every time I think of Oli.

 

Yvonne weren't too shabby though.

[Randy Marsh]

I feel your pain, I feel your shame, but your not to blame!

 

Those words of support mean a lot to me in this dark time:(

[Faustus]

Nothing ever humourous has happened to me with regards to a one night stand. I seem to have a penchant for pulling fat birds when I've had a few.

 

This happened to a mate however:

 

When we were in Sixth Form, a load of us went out for a few beers after lessons on Friday. We all ended up in the Jac pretty pissed but my mate was absolutely hammered. We saw these girls from our Sixth Form and we ended up talking to them. None of us had the intention of shagging them because they were pretty sound mates so we were all just having a laugh and that. My mate who was bladdered was in deep conversation with this girl from our Sixth Form, who despite being pretty sound, is an absolute dog.

 

Anyway, a few of us got off but my mate stayed out with the munter and her mates for a few more.

 

Monday morning came and my mate walked into the common room with a face like the Scouser from Harry Enfield after he's been bummed in London. For a laugh and not meaning anything by it, we say "we heard you goosed *** **** on Friday." My mate then goes green and tells us to shut the fuck up.

 

We were all rolling round laughing as we genuinely didn't know that he'd shagged this monstrosity and had unwittingly given the game away.

 

Apparently, she kept buying him shorts in the Jac and got him back to hers in a taxi after he fell asleep. He said the last thing he remembered was sitting on her couch with a glass of red wine and being told a taxi was on the way before waking up in her bed the next morning with the two of them completely bollocko.

[Harry Squatter]

We need some top quality stories from Rashid, Emlyn Noos and WATB now (and Ted).

[Redder Lurtz]

Summer of 1992, I'm sharing a house with a mate in Grimsby. I went out to Cleethorpes with a few mates, ended up in 'Pier 39' nightclub. I ended up pulling this kangorillapig called Sarah. A munter but I was leathered, you know how it is. We left the club at 2 and in the queue for the taxi she was sick all over herself. I'm thinking 'classy.' Eventually got in a cab and back to mine where she stripped off and put her clothes in the washing machine. Just in her underwear she shot upstairs (She was shitfaced and a bit of a mentalist I think) and woke my housemate up by sitting on the end of his bed. Cutting a lengthy story short we spitroasted her in the living room. Cracking good fun, all in all. Then I went to bed but fuck me, if she didn't wake me up about half an hour later demanding more knobbing. I relented and afterwards she got up and went back to my mate's room. She kept this bed hopping up until at 7am I'd had enough and drove her home. Never saw her again.

[Section_31]

Me and my mate were on holiday in Brazil and we went on a day trip to some tropical islands called Buzios. On the boat I spot some little fitty who I start to chat up - she was Mexican, looked like Salma Hayek and spoke perfect English as she lived in Canada, anyway her mate was a fucking minger who looked like the cleaner out of the Goonies. I managed to get the fit one to meet me that night in a club in Rio but was dead worried that her mate was going to fuck everything up. I told my mate that we were going out that night to meet 2 Mexican birds and his "bird" couldnt speak English. We both copped off but my bird turns out to be a staunch Catholic who didnt believe in sex before marriage whereas his let him bang the arse off her. He shook his head after we left their hotel and said "I know I'd shag a barbers floor most times but I feel fucking dirty after that, and it's all your fault you cunt for thinking you could shag Salma Hayek, don't ever do that to me again". All the fucking groundwork for nothing!.

 

She still e-mails him now with horrific photos of her obese frame in a swimsuit on speedboats in Cancun and Acapulco, he asked me to e-mail her once to say he'd been killed in a car crash.

 

:D

 

Ace! Gotta love some international relations. Some foreign birds are mentalists though, some dutch bird kept following me around in Puerto Rico last year, she'd tap me on the shoulder and say "Also I like you very much also, but also my boyfriend he is being very jealous also." Then she'd point behind her and sure enough, there was some angry looking Dutch blert stood there.

Strange shit.

 

 

Gotta love the opposite of a cock-blocker and taking one for the team. I fucked a Scottish chick called Yvonne, the only thing of note was that she wanted my shirt as she loved it so I agreed to give it to her if I could have her knickers. Thing is, her mate was absolute Horendi and we called her Oliver Khan- the resemblance was uncanny. My mate Andy took one for the team and shagged this monstrosity while I was getting mine. It was about 6am and Yvonne wanted to go home so I saved Andy from any more and made out that Yvonne needed to go immediately so he wouldn't be stuck with Oli Khan. I still cringe every time I think of Oli.

 

Yvonne weren't too shabby though.

 

Man that's not friendship, that's brotherhood.

 

Some bird around ours with a fat face and has fancied the arse off me for years, I call her Easter Island Head but she also looks a bit like the President masks from Point Break.

I nearly, nearly gave into her one night through a JD/Testosterone induced hayze but my mate literally abducted me - arm around the throat, and shoved me in a taxi.

As he often points out, if it wasn't for him there could be little easter island heads running around as we speak.

[Brownie]

Best one I ever has was at Uni, when the pulling of some random bird at the Union Bar, ended up in a four-hour threesome romp with her mate involved.

 

I'd go into detail but the missus is sat on the couch and I don't want her reading this!

 

(Quickest post ever!)

[Randy Marsh]

On a slightly different topic,.....

 

things you shouldnt say during sex

 

I had a bird back about a year ago. I was seeing her for a bit and this one night she came around to mine. We're upstairs going at it, and at the risk of me getting a reputation as a 5pump squirter, i eased off from the start so id last a while. Anyways. 15-20mins in, she says she's come twice and she'd obviously presumed id already shot my load. I then pull out, and we are lying there on the bed bollocko, absolutetly knackerd. I then say to her "arent you gonna finish me off?", whilst pointing downwards towards me cock. She got a huge strop on, gets dressed and leaves pretty much straight away. Never shagged her since funnily enough. Touchy bint.

[Harry Squatter]

:D

 

Ace! Gotta love some international relations. Some foreign birds are mentalists though, some dutch bird kept following me around in Puerto Rico last year, she'd tap me on the shoulder and say "Also I like you very much also, but also my boyfriend he is being very jealous also." Then she'd point behind her and sure enough, there was some angry looking Dutch blert stood there.

Strange shit.

 

 

I once had a strange Polish bird who looked like a parrot stalk me whilst I was on Camp America, she kept asking me what my travel plans were after the camp finished, I said I was meeting my mate, my mate lets me down at the last minute and she followed me all round New York State until I deliberatley got on the wrong train somewhere to get rid of her.

[WaltonRed]

:D

 

Ace! Gotta love some international relations. Some foreign birds are mentalists though, some dutch bird kept following me around in Puerto Rico last year, she'd tap me on the shoulder and say "Also I like you very much also, but also my boyfriend he is being very jealous also." Then she'd point behind her and sure enough, there was some angry looking Dutch blert stood there.

Strange shit.

 

 

I once had a strange Polish bird who looked like a parrot stalk me whilst I was on Camp America, she kept asking me what my travel plans were after the camp finished, I said I was meeting my mate, my mate lets me down at the last minute and she followed me all round New York State until I deliberatley got on the wrong train somewhere to get rid of her.

 

 

why do you have that blue nose as your avater?

[Harry Squatter]

 

 

why do you have that blue nose as your avater?

 

He can't be a blue nose - he's not from county road or prestatyn.

[Harry Squatter]

Anyway I've changed it now - just for you

[Elmyn Noos]

Long time ago before I was married me & a mate copped off with 2 girls from Widnes & ended up getting a cab back to one of their houses ( after a discussion about the gains involved versus the cab fare involved ). Once settled , my mate went upstairs with his girl & I got involved on the downstairs couch with mine.

 

About 2 hours later I was awoken from a doze ( after a massively impressive performance obviously ) by my mate looking a bit shaken & saying we needed to get off.

 

As we cleared off he let me know the problem. He said they laid down on the bed & everything had being going fine & then the girl had then stood up by the side of the bed & started a striptease. He sat back for the performance as the shoes came off , the blouse came off , the bra came off , the trousers came off , a bit of fumbling and then her right leg came off.

 

He hadn't a clue what to do & she hadn't mentioned having a prosthetic limb. She gets back on the bed as if it was the most usual thing in the world. He'd lost the urge but not wanting her to think he was a bastard , he did the dirty deed & then again before she had finally fallen asleep.

 

We got a cab & he sat almost catatonic in the back , his only utterance being

' I thought she was a shit dancer '.

 

To add insult to injury our pooled money only got us to town & we had to walk to Walton & Croxteth respectively.

 

That made me laugh out loud.

[Elmyn Noos]

You're wrong. Utterly wrong. There are hundreds of new members who have brought untold benefits to this forum, have been really funny, and have ended up becoming close friends of mine in a short space of time. It's just you. Just you. I'm not the only one who thinks this way, far from it.

 

And really, could you be any more obvious with your attempted internet dating there?

 

*coughs* ahem?

[Unrighteous]

One night I was in the bar at the Opus Hotel in Vancouver and I was having a few when this bird that I had a threesome with two weeks earlier was sat by the bar. I say hello and give her a smooch then excuse myself to get a drink.

 

Whilst I'm getting my usual bevvy, this fit asian bird gives me a big smile and I return the smile. I say a few hellos to my mates behind the bar and glance at the asian bird again, and this time she smiles and waves me over!

 

So, I head over there and shes standing right by the (first mentioned) bird. I take my coat off and tap the first bird on the shoulder and say, "Mind if I put my coat on your chair?" she was ok with it so I did and then she turned to me but I already turned and was chatting up the asian bird!

 

The asian bird goes to leave shortly afterwards so I walk her to the taxi, we snog and she gives me her number and says to call her and she'll pop by one tuesday to mine. So I am like... SOUND.

 

Anyway, I go back in the bar and say hello to the first bird again and she was like, "If you talk to her for ten minutes more, I think I'd take someone else home."

 

Being Captain fucking Obvious at this point... I give her proper attention and shag her senseless that evening.

 

(Interesting side script, she was seeing someone and at one point woke me up for another go and then enquired about what time it was... It was 8am, and she was all, "I AM IN SO MUCH TROUBLE" and makes like she is going to go but I drag her back to bed for a bit more rub and tickle and we fall back asleep. We have another go before she leaves at noon and is like, "I am SO in trouble"...

 

Yeah, she was living with her fiance... Classy)

[Harry Squatter]

My mate told me today about another bird he's shagged in work, he was still living at home with his mar and sharing a room with his brother, he brings her back to his about 3am and runs upstairs to tell his brother to "keep a low profile" while he is banging this bird in the bed next to him, she was too pissed and it was too dark for her to see his brother when they got down to business, she was also too pissed to hear his brother peeking out from the covers saying "Fuckin hell lar, her tits are massive"

[Harry Squatter]

My mate rang me last niight at 3am and asked me to go round to his house because he'd pulled some little dirt who wanted a threesome, as I live 15 miles away from him and I was in bed with my bird at the time I pretended he was a knob who'd rang the wrong number by accident. My bird woke up and asked me who i was on the phone to then fell back asleep. My mate texted me this afternoon saying me what "My fucking problem was" last night and that I'd missed out on a great shag.

[RedKnight]

Are you annoyed you missed out and would you have gone round if your missus hadn't been there? Crucial questions for your moral fibre.

[Harry Squatter]

Are you annoyed you missed out and would you have gone round if your missus hadn't been there? Crucial questions for your moral fibre.

 

 

I was annoyed that he rang me at 3 am and that my missus might have answered the phone thinking that I would have been prepared to go round even though I wouldn't, I would have spent 3 hours trying to convince her. Knowing my mates' very low standards I know I haven't missed out on anything.