Date thread

[VladimirIlyich]

What a prude he was Melons.

 

It might have been Sugar Ape?

 

*nervously awaits neg*

[dennis tooth]

Right so am in need of some help here I went for the ex prisoner one and sacked that other off, another popped up in the meantime wanted me to train her dog but the training involved me walking the dog with here an plying me with vodka and taking me back to her place before goin down south but not letting me do tha deed, I got off at three in the mornin and am not goin back. Since then this long time chatter has stepped up her game but shes some law degree and criminology degree studying muthafucka with all kinds of qualifications out the arse and an ambition to move to aussieland, fit tho but seems a bit well, well oiled machine that I wurry I would have to have a team of experts advising my every move. Shes sound tho and propa get on with her, just coudlnt see it workin out long term no matter how keen she is. We get on too well for me to just get her into bed but like I say, I know I'd get tied up with her only for her ambitions and my rawness and she's too middle class so it couldnt work and I cant be doing with more bother like the last middle class aspiring biatch shit I had to deal with. Will keep chatting to her tho, left it open to her to make any moves tho.

So like I said I went for the ex con and the drama option.

So Ive been getting to know this bird propa for a few weeks now, chatting constantly on FB. Its mad how things came about but I dont wanna get bogged down in the mentalness of all that.

Thing is since this has been going on liverpool have won three hard games, then we had a tiny bit of a slight minor crack appear and in all this time we werent messagin for this one day when every day before we had been constant in touch every other hour apart from sleepyhed times of course. Anyway at that point we drew with spurs and I told her as she also a red, this news. We had been married on FB so I sed I wanted a divorce and got one, only I decided not to divorce but to be widowed as that was cooler.

Since then I've realised I didnt even bag this bitch plus Liverpool has a big game coming up at the weekend so what should I do? So I got mareed again on FB with her she agreed and things have gone swell since then. My worry is tho should liverpool not win at the weekend at some point the charm or complete coincidence whichever way you look at it is going to come to a halt and the effects on the relationship could be devastating. Anyway she got her hed mashed in by her ex or some such bother recently had a big operation on her skull or something, dunno what that was about but am I compelled to continue to make it work knowing that I am somehow helping LFC acheive results on the pitch or do I pull back before it sours things in our relationship as I cant see LFC going undefeated for the rest of the season and the draw was bad enough?

I just knew we wouldnt beat spurs because I wasnt feeling good cos we hadnt spoke much at all that day and I thought she'd gone cold on me. Or maybe I had her. Anyway couldnt even watch the spurs match, just couldnt put myself through it, the manc game coming up is gonna be hard.

Wat do people think? Any suggestions? I'd value your input GF lords and ladies.

[Guest davelfc]

I'd start taking the medication again if I was you.

[gingerhulk]

I got to 'long time chatter' and gave in. Someone give me a synopsis please?

[Section_31]

Right so am in need of some help here I went for the ex prisoner one and sacked that other off, another popped up in the meantime wanted me to train her dog but the training involved me walking the dog with here an plying me with vodka and taking me back to her place before goin down south but not letting me do tha deed, I got off at three in the mornin and am not goin back. Since then this long time chatter has stepped up her game but shes some law degree and criminology degree studying muthafucka with all kinds of qualifications out the arse and an ambition to move to aussieland, fit tho but seems a bit well, well oiled machine that I wurry I would have to have a team of experts advising my every move. Shes sound tho and propa get on with her, just coudlnt see it workin out long term no matter how keen she is. We get on too well for me to just get her into bed but like I say, I know I'd get tied up with her only for her ambitions and my rawness and she's too middle class so it couldnt work and I cant be doing with more bother like the last middle class aspiring biatch shit I had to deal with. Will keep chatting to her tho, left it open to her to make any moves tho.

So like I said I went for the ex con and the drama option.

So Ive been getting to know this bird propa for a few weeks now, chatting constantly on FB. Its mad how things came about but I dont wanna get bogged down in the mentalness of all that.

Thing is since this has been going on liverpool have won three hard games, then we had a tiny bit of a slight minor crack appear and in all this time we werent messagin for this one day when every day before we had been constant in touch every other hour apart from sleepyhed times of course. Anyway at that point we drew with spurs and I told her as she also a red, this news. We had been married on FB so I sed I wanted a divorce and got one, only I decided not to divorce but to be widowed as that was cooler.

Since then I've realised I didnt even bag this bitch plus Liverpool has a big game coming up at the weekend so what should I do? So I got mareed again on FB with her she agreed and things have gone swell since then. My worry is tho should liverpool not win at the weekend at some point the charm or complete coincidence whichever way you look at it is going to come to a halt and the effects on the relationship could be devastating. Anyway she got her hed mashed in by her ex or some such bother recently had a big operation on her skull or something, dunno what that was about but am I compelled to continue to make it work knowing that I am somehow helping LFC acheive results on the pitch or do I pull back before it sours things in our relationship as I cant see LFC going undefeated for the rest of the season and the draw was bad enough?

I just knew we wouldnt beat spurs because I wasnt feeling good cos we hadnt spoke much at all that day and I thought she'd gone cold on me. Or maybe I had her. Anyway couldnt even watch the spurs match, just couldnt put myself through it, the manc game coming up is gonna be hard.

Wat do people think? Any suggestions? I'd value your input GF lords and ladies.

 

[Paul]

Some genius level shit on this thread from The Tooth.

[Remmie]

Please don't encourage him Paul!

[Anubis]

...fit tho but seems a bit well, well oiled machine that I wurry I would have to have a team of experts advising my every move...

 

 

Luckily you have the GF at your disposal Dennis. You need to get yourself a Facebook divorce from the ex-con who's had her skull drilled, and get yourself some smooth, middle-class ass. With our help, of course.

 

I envisage it like the scene in Roxanne, where Steve Martin hides in the bushes and whispers lines to Rick Rossovich so that he can woo Daryl Hannah on the balcony above.

[dennis tooth]

Snobs!

I need a hardcore bitch who will take a bullet for me. Not some namby pamby cuddly animal lover who wont get her hands dirty. I mean what kind of idiot buys a bird and keeps it caged and calls themselves an animal lover. The other one hates animals so at least consistent. Bit illiterate tho but that only means she was probly thinking about sex when the lessons where being taught, which could be a bonus.

[Remmie]

These things always seem to happen in twos. Got set up on a blind date on Friday, I trust the matchmaker not to set me up with a munter but it's still doomed - I fuck off to America for 3 weeks next Tuesday and she is moving to France for 3-6 months to become an Au Pair, it's not even going to be a one nighter as it's for lunch plus the girl is not the type apparently anyway (which I like).

 

Ugandan woman has been pestering to meet up again as well, not sure what she wants but will find out Saturday. Haha my dating life really is awful! I don't like the idea of dating more than 1 woman at a time, maybe I'll cancel on the Ugandan girl.

Edited February 28, 2012 by Remmie

[Jhinge Machha]

Ugandan woman has been pestering to meet up again as well, not sure what she wants but will find out Saturday. Haha my dating life really is awful! I don't like the idea of dating more than 1 woman at a time, maybe I'll cancel on the Ugandan girl.

 

you should..her parents might not be so tolerant of your dark secrets

:whistle:

 

[YOUTUBE]euXQbZDwV0w[/YOUTUBE]

[Remmie]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[VladimirIlyich]

I'd be careful if the Ugandan girl is keen to get married after your first date Remmie.

[Paulie Dangerously]

 

Ugandan woman has been pestering to meet up again as well, not sure what she wants but will find out Saturday. Haha my dating life really is awful! I don't like the idea of dating more than 1 woman at a time, maybe I'll cancel on the Ugandan girl.

 

A loan for ten days to cover banking costs to release $20,000,000 of her families riches. You will be entitled to 20% of that fee for your generosity.

 

Alternatively she might let you EAT DA POO POO

[dennis tooth]

Right gang, Im chattin to this bird online anyway need someone vacuous to help a bro out.

Normally the silver tongued cavalier Ive hit a wall and flew through the windscreen. Apparently they call them Vectras now.

Anyway, slight ratio divide as is the way wen in the lead up to bummin younger sphincters.

Ive only gone an asked her wat her fav film an tv prog is. Stupid muthafucka, I know.

Anyway film was inbetweeners, can anyone give me quick rundown of it?

Also tv prog was Idz or Ldz? Any clues on that shit?

Hurry up tho, these youngens have short attn spans from all the adverts an radio jingles.

[dennis tooth]

Gf you hav failed me. I have walked shop and eaten a full packet of chilli mccoys and wence I return I expect it to have been dealt with. As of the two birds above, things is rollin on nicely but I need this third fanny installment more for geopolitical reasons cos shit got real. So come on someone mus knw a film calld inbetweiners? Or idl?

[dennis tooth]

Dear oh dear, seems it stands for all the soaps sumhow. Geordie shore, deperate danwives, a drama called whitechapel, 90210 and Freinds.

Im reacting to this shit like a girl who jus spotted a spider in the bath.

 

Ive stepped in some doo doo here of the female tv variety and no mistake. Must be a way to make this beast bareable? Otherwise Im afraid I might have to bounce on this ugly betty wannabe. Shame she looks gud enuff to bum in them bbc news presenter spectacles but this is surely a case of the bounds of human taste and decency.

Suppose I could see how long things hold out until I vomit half digested pasta all over the lady.

[Ginny]

Ended up gettin some bird off POF. I got one of her tits out in some bar we were in and was suckin it.

[dennis tooth]

Good work son. Ive got 5 hoes in diffrent area codes rite now but am still jealous of that, bar, beer, bird, breast bonza!

[dennis tooth]

So this bird is in court tomoz lookin at 6 months on some aggrivated racial charges against a or some gypsies, worth waitin or should I start again?

Dentooth is aware of ironic elements in this situation but Ive long given up tryin to find an idealistic politically aware lady to be my partner in revolution, there are no revolutionary women these days, well Im sure theres some old ones about but essentially they are extinct in this cuntry.

So Im dealing with whats left and not that fussed on the morals all I ask is that shes violent and a bit disturbed. Middle class fanny is jus wrong as far as Im concerned, bland uterus wont disarm my weapon and wit.

[dennis tooth]

Sayin that am got two middle class birds simmerin away, now in total av got 7 birds on some level, dnt get me wrong, its important to have a big squad, they are all in different locals tho as Im geounstationary times but me main one mite b in the echo if they decide to give topical coverage to a racism case I really shud have my own blog to keep everyone posted but mostly so I can keep track myself. Fuckin nightmare

[Remmie]

I say you fuck the gypsy hating nutter before she does time, then attend a truth telling convention two towns back.

[bigbak]

Thought I'd show the other side of the sea of pussy divide.

 

My attempts have been a complete disaster. I contacted one with a username of spottless a couple of times with no reply. I've given up on her now. I really liked the look and sound of her. She looks like the girl I'm trying to get over. It does knock my confidence.

 

My mate has told me to contact 20 and chat to the few that reply. I prefer to concentrate on one at a time rather than handle 19 rejections.

 

Other than that I've had the cast from 101 Dalmations contact me. I'm not a big head and am ok looking. Do women not have a reality filter? It's hard thinking of a reason I'm not interested while leaving them feeling good about themselves.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Thought I'd show the other side of the sea of pussy divide.

 

My attempts have been a complete disaster. I contacted one with a username of spottless a couple of times with no reply. I've given up on her now. I really liked the look and sound of her. She looks like the girl I'm trying to get over. It does knock my confidence.

 

My mate has told me to contact 20 and chat to the few that reply. I prefer to concentrate on one at a time rather than handle 19 rejections.

 

Other than that I've had the cast from 101 Dalmations contact me. I'm not a big head and am ok looking. Do women not have a reality filter? It's hard thinking of a reason I'm not interested while leaving them feeling good about themselves.

 

Bigbak, I have quoted my guide for using dating websites effectively. Worked for me.

 

 

 

Ok Virgins I'm going to break it down for you. I have been a user of dating websites for a number of years and have had everything from 1 night flings to decent relationships from them (am currently 6 months into a sound thing with a teacher I met on Plentyoffish) so I'm going to give you a guide that worked for me.

 

How to get women to date you on online dating

 

1. Your profile. For the love of god try and make it unique. Don't be a douche. Don't claim you "go the gym 4 or 5 times a week" because even if you do it makes you sound like a prick. Be honest. Put pictures up. The best ones you have of you, preferably in social situations with other humans and not ones you've taken yourself in your bedsit with a self timer.

 

Don't make it too long, put in some things you enjoy, elabourate more than "i like socialising and films" try and stand out but don't come across like Colin the Office Wanker from Fast Show. Try and be funny, crack a self disparaging joke if you like.

 

2. Get searching. The criteria on most of the sites is the same, age range, ethnicity/religion, kids or not, smoker none smoker etc. Obviously just pick the things that you feel strongly about but try and be flexible. You're not going to find a supermodel on there with a super personality but what you will find is a mix of rightuns an wronguns. Find someone you like the look of. READ THEIR PROFILE this is key to the messaging stage. Don't focus on one person, get a mix, don't "favourite" them as it notifies them you're stalking them in a fashion, but take a note of the username for future reference.

 

3. Messaging. Remember I said to read the profile? This is key, why? Because women get dozens of messages a day with shit like "hey babi" "hi" "howz it goin??///" as the subject header and you need her to actually read the thing and not just dismiss it as another fella trying to get into her knickers with a line. You need her to read it, view your profile and find it suitably interesting to reply. In the subject header you need to reference something she wrote in her profile. If she says she likes Steig Larrson books then google the books and pick a reasonably popular quote, not the first result, the next down for example instead of saying "girl with dragon tattoo lol" put something like "Are you Salander?" the name of a character. Then follow this up with the first line of your message continuing the reference before you go into "hi I'm *virgin name* and I like blah blah"

 

If she doesn't message back MOVE ON. Do not (EVER) bombard the woman with messages. If you didn't grab her the first time you have failed the task and move onto the next one in your list and continue until you get a reply. If you don't ever get one then lower your standards, you're not as handsome/interesting as you think you are.

 

4. Continued messaging. Don't blurt out everything interesting about you in the same message as what are you going to talk about? Never send more than 2 messages a day, you want her to think you don't spend 8 hours a day on the internet remember. You'll find out pretty soon if you have enough rapport to hold a continued correspondence. If you don't, move on and repeat stage 3. Ideally you'll be talking to 3+ at the same time.

 

After a period of messaging, say a week to 10 days of daily messages or 2 weeks of less regular it's time to ask for a date. That seem a little soon? It isn't, she's on the site to be asked out and if you don't do it someone else will. Just suggest a bevvie or a coffee or something else you've chatted about (bowling etc) it doesn't really matter where it is as long as you ask her in a open ended but direct manner "so do you fancy maybe a coffee/drink/day out this weekend?" be sure to name a reasonably recent timescale as "wanna go out some time?" will lead to more indecision. You are a decisive alpha male. You ask woman out.

 

If she says no? Go back to stage 3 and try again. She's supposed to be on their for dates, if she says no she either thinks you're not date material or she's a time waster.

 

5. The date. I can't advise on this one gentle GFers as we are all different but if you get to this point then you must be fairly sure she has some level of interest. Meet her, if it goes well then bonza, if not, return to stages 3.

 

Good luck fellas. If just one of you gets a wet dick because of this then It'll be worth the 20odd mins I've spent writing it.

[Remmie]

Thought I'd show the other side of the sea of pussy divide.

 

My attempts have been a complete disaster. I contacted one with a username of spottless a couple of times with no reply. I've given up on her now. I really liked the look and sound of her. She looks like the girl I'm trying to get over. It does knock my confidence.

 

My mate has told me to contact 20 and chat to the few that reply. I prefer to concentrate on one at a time rather than handle 19 rejections.

 

Other than that I've had the cast from 101 Dalmations contact me. I'm not a big head and am ok looking. Do women not have a reality filter? It's hard thinking of a reason I'm not interested while leaving them feeling good about themselves.

It's my understanding from internet dating that it is weighted heavily in the ladies favour as there are more men on it who are more desperate. This equates to anything remotely good looking getting 5-10 new messages a day, even then some of these girls just use it as a self-esteem tool when they are in a relationship or date the odd johnny sixpack once in a blue moon. Internet dating can be a bit shit, you need to play by it's rules and do like your friend suggest - it's a numbers game. Someone on here had some good suggestions earlier on in this thread about how to make your message different from every other cunt messaging yo bottom bitch.