One night stands

[Malarkey]

These birds had just been fighting and were all drunk and emotional. Me and some lad I met from the hotel I was staying at over there see them 'licking their emotional wounds' and go over and offer a shoulder to cry on. These broads where from London and where so startled to see that I was flaunting a Scouse accent. They also liked yours truly more because my accent was stronger than my friends' as he was from Skelmersdale.

 

Anyway, I take one of the three birds away back to the resort I'm staying in and we get talking by the pool on a sun lounger. I throw the lips on her and it gets touchy feely and that. Cut a long story short my fingers where in her snatch. She was tight as fuck. She takes a deep breath in and moves back a bit looking like she was feeling a bit of discomfort. I take my fingers out and realise that I have blood dripping off them, all over my had, blood on my cecks, blood all over the white sun lounger. I was fucking guttered as I am uneasy at the sight of blood. I wash the blood off in the pool and walk away from the bird. Saying fuck all - I was bladdered, god knws what she must have thought. I get back to my room with blood on my pants and take them off. 10-15 minutes later I realise that I've just left a spotty, acne infested, horny wrongin by the pool wet - with blood.

 

I get down there after deliberating wether to change my blood wridden cecks to find Guardia (the Spanish plod) and the Hotel Manager by the pool investigating the blood. The bird is nowhere to be seen. Blood still on my cecks and shielding it from the Spanish Bizzies and the Hotel Manager I try to find the bird so I can get my nuts. Can't find her so I just go bck to my room and have a shuffle. Then go to bed and wonder were my holiday romance had fled to with her blood dripping vagina.

 

The End.

[Karl_b]

Niiiiiice.

[She Knows It]

Hang on. Was she bleeding because you'd "broken her in", or because she'd come on? Why would you want to go back and shag her if she was bleeding everywhere, you dirty little bastard!

[odris]

These birds had just been fighting and were all drunk and emotional. Me and some lad I met from the hotel I was staying at over there see them 'licking their emotional wounds' and go over and offer a shoulder to cry on. These broads where from London and where so startled to see that I was flaunting a Scouse accent. They also liked yours truly more because my accent was stronger than my friends' as he was from Skelmersdale.

 

Anyway, I take one of the three birds away back to the resort I'm staying in and we get talking by the pool on a sun lounger. I throw the lips on her and it gets touchy feely and that. Cut a long story short my fingers where in her snatch. She was tight as fuck. She takes a deep breath in and moves back a bit looking like she was feeling a bit of discomfort. I take my fingers out and realise that I have blood dripping off them, all over my had, blood on my cecks, blood all over the white sun lounger. I was fucking guttered as I am uneasy at the sight of blood. I wash the blood off in the pool and walk away from the bird. Saying fuck all - I was bladdered, god knws what she must have thought. I get back to my room with blood on my pants and take them off. 10-15 minutes later I realise that I've just left a spotty, acne infested, horny wrongin by the pool wet - with blood.

 

I get down there after deliberating wether to change my blood wridden cecks to find Guardia (the Spanish plod) and the Hotel Manager by the pool investigating the blood. The bird is nowhere to be seen. Blood still on my cecks and shielding it from the Spanish Bizzies and the Hotel Manager I try to find the bird so I can get my nuts. Can't find her so I just go bck to my room and have a shuffle. Then go to bed and wonder were my holiday romance had fled to with her blood dripping vagina.

 

The End.

 

Ahem

[Malarkey]

Hang on. Was she bleeding because you'd "broken her in", or because she'd come on? Why would you want to go back and shag her if she was bleeding everywhere, you dirty little bastard!

 

What can I say. I'm one of a kind.

[She Knows It]

What can I say. I'm one of a kind.

 

*Shakes head*

 

Robbief. I mean, Malarkey.

[Malarkey]

*Shakes head*

 

Robbief. I mean, Malarkey.

 

She had a perfectly good mouth anyway, SKI. Well not perfect, she was a spotty bastard.

[jacco maccaco]

Friends Caravan in Pately Bridge, I was 18, mate 17.

 

Spent an evening in a pub local to the caravan site, Waterside I think it was called.

Anyway 3 lasses also in there, kept looking over, One drink led to another and we are all

walking back to the site.

 

Mates Caravan was next to the girls, and we started off in theirs, it was the First Live aid, a Historic

day and night, Millions Watching and Millions to be raised for a noble cause, Queen had just performed

their now legendary set and………Actually they had a telly, we didn't.

 

Got talking to one of them, hailing from Leeds and just started working at the Uni.

She was flirting between the 2 of us, to the disgust of one of her friends, the other seemed to be

weighing up the situation.

 

About 11ish and I'd had enough of her and her perverted games, stood up and told my mate she's all his

 

Stomp back to the caravan and just about to get settled in when there's a knock at the door,

Open it and it’s the other one who was watching proceedings so intently earlier.

 

Come on in I beckon. Then with a Maturity way beyond my 18 years I say

"I'm going to bed, would you like to join me"

 

She did

 

We did

 

12.30 pm, dressed and back in the girls caravan, mate and the flirtress still playing games,

the Haughty one had retired to her bunk.

 

Lights off and we are all cosy again, I'm, at the front of the van, mate in the middle, I'd been listening

to my mates ever more desperate whispering, as he tried to win her over, It went quiet for a bit, then

a gentle rocking started.

 

At last I thought, anyway the rocking started to intensify and a low moaning began to emanate from

his direction, It started to get louder…and louder, she started too

 

Then at the point of his now all too obvious climax came the words I will never forget and nor will he

 

" mmm nnn ah ah ah ahhh ...BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULLLLLLLLL …...mmmmnmnmmnnnnnn aaaaaaaaah"

 

That night was my only One night stand…its was memorable.

[odris]

Friends Caravan in Pately Bridge, I was 18, mate 17.

 

Spent an evening in a pub local to the caravan site, Waterside I think it was called.

Anyway 3 lasses also in there, kept looking over, One drink led to another and we are all

walking back to the site.

 

Mates Caravan was next to the girls, and we started off in theirs, it was the First Live aid, a Historic

day and night, Millions Watching and Millions to be raised for a noble cause, Queen had just performed

their now legendary set and………Actually they had a telly, we didn't.

 

Got talking to one of them, hailing from Leeds and just started working at the Uni.

She was flirting between the 2 of us, to the disgust of one of her friends, the other seemed to be

weighing up the situation.

 

About 11ish and I'd had enough of her and her perverted games, stood up and told my mate she's all his

 

Stomp back to the caravan and just about to get settled in when there's a knock at the door,

Open it and it’s the other one who was watching proceedings so intently earlier.

 

Come on in I beckon. Then with a Maturity way beyond my 18 years I say

"I'm going to bed, would you like to join me"

 

She did

 

We did

 

12.30 pm, dressed and back in the girls caravan, mate and the flirtress still playing games,

the Haughty one had retired to her bunk.

 

Lights off and we are all cosy again, I'm, at the front of the van, mate in the middle, I'd been listening

to my mates ever more desperate whispering, as he tried to win her over, It went quiet for a bit, then

a gentle rocking started.

 

At last I thought, anyway the rocking started to intensify and a low moaning began to emanate from

his direction, It started to get louder…and louder, she started too

 

Then at the point of his now all too obvious climax came the words I will never forget and nor will he

 

" mmm nnn ah ah ah ahhh ...BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULLLLLLLLL …...mmmmnmnmmnnnnnn aaaaaaaaah"

 

That night was my only One night stand…its was memorable.

 

Is this your mate?

 

[She Knows It]

That's ace. It's a common topic of discussion with us girls - the fucking hysterical/offputting things men say when they come.

[madstock]

That's ace. It's a common topic of discussion with us girls - the fucking hysterical/offputting things men say when they come.

 

"You awake, love?"

[She Knows It]

"You awake, love?"

 

Touché, Mongy. I am laughing.

[madstock]

Touché, Mongy. I am laughing.

 

I didn't actually mean it like that, I was being self-deprecating as I am such a crap shag :whistle:

[She Knows It]

I didn't actually mean it like that, I was being self-deprecating as I am such a crap shag :whistle:

 

Sorry, thought you were talking about something else :)

[Section_31]

Woah there keep that shit indoors! I caught my parents shagging once and it nearly made me phsyically sick!

 

 

Malarkey needs to sort himself out and start tapping some of that Warrington action, the nicest and 'firendliest' birds ever.

[madstock]

Sorry, thought you were talking about something else :)

 

Aye, monginess as a cure for insomnia. May be another winner for the a2g enterprise? We could whore out my arse, a job that I would reluctantly have to accept.

[She Knows It]

Woah there keep that shit indoors! I caught my parents shagging once and it nearly made me phsyically sick!

 

Oi, you cheeky young beggar, we're not that old! Anyway, it wasn't like that. I was talking about one time Duncan came up here, and we came home to mine and had something to eat, and I fell asleep on him at 9 o'clock. He didn't let me live it down for ages, as he was only up here for one night. He could have woken me up though, it wasn't my fault!

[madstock]

Oi, you cheeky young beggar, we're not that old! Anyway, it wasn't like that. I was talking about one time Duncan came up here, and we came home to mine and had something to eat, and I fell asleep on him at 9 o'clock. He didn't let me live it down for ages, as he was only up here for one night. He could have woken me up though, it wasn't my fault!

 

1. I quite agree - I'm still 30, and don't look a day over 45

2. I only mentioned it about 3 dozen times.

3. I do seem to remember that I *did* wake you up at least half a dozen times that night, the last occasion by shouting "Tiiiiimmmbbbeerr"*. Obviously you don't remember :whoops:

 

 

*figuratively

[She Knows It]

Sums me up. You won't be guaranteed any action, but I'll make sure you're fed.

[madstock]

Sums me up. You won't be guaranteed any action, but I'll make sure you're fed.

 

You are indeed a purveyor of the finest of breakfasts; the next morning was the first time I experienced Muff's, iirc.

[Harry Squatter]

My mate cracks me up with some of the shit he gets up to. He had a scrap with a copper in Southport and it went through the courts, he ended up having to wear a tag but tried to keep it a secret from everyone in work. We went to Leeds working and he pulled the posh bird out of the office. Think Tinhead from Brookie pulling Liz Hurley or some member of teh Royal family. Next day in work we ask him how he got on after leavin the pub with teh posh bird. He just gets his mobile out and says "look at this" - you then see her on all 4's on the bed and him smashing the back out of her shouting "Who's the man in Leeds, who's the fuckin man in Leeds?" She then pipes up - "Why have you got your phone out?" - he says "I'm just texting my mate", somehow in the height of all this passion he manages to keep his socks on so the bird can't see the tag on his ankle.

[Anny Road]

I'm now too old for this shit. I'd rather have a big crusty piece of toast with blackcurrant jam on it.

 

Or a strange fanny.

[Harry Squatter]

The near-miss from tonight...

 

 

Chris and I went to KRAZHOUSE tonight with two of Chris' female mates(equiv of gay friends as they fuck less than nuns) for a few bevvies and a bit of fun. Anywho, Chris is great at the contact sport part of pulling.. and me being a world class finisher makes this interesting.

 

Now, I'm going to fast forward quite a bit. I see Chris sitting with two birds after I get out of the bog. Fair enough, I walked over and the the bird he isn't talking too is quite cute so I am like, "Sound."

 

Hell, the mate he would have stuck me with on his earlier bird would have cost him a hefty bar tab(she was a fatty).

 

SO, I start to chat up this bird like, "My friend is talking to your friend... How silly" and she is eating it up.

 

(I later found out that these two birds were 17 and I realised at that point that I could have told her I was a race car driver or something instead of the truth and she'd believe me... which is more fun because of the chance of being caught in the lie... obviously)

 

 

Anyway, I see Chris snogging his bird. She's fit, so well in mate... I am still talking to my bird like she's just going to be a mate and she is still eating it up like it's the fucking cure to her wounds.

 

Next thing you know? Chris has invited the two back to mine for refreshments and guitar hero(Code: To fuck our brains out) and they seem quite keen.

 

I'm still acting like the neutered friend untill I strike! I'm now snogging my bird. Chris is snogging his bird.

 

(Fast forward a bit) and I've got my hands in her tights and two fingers up her moist and snuggly.

 

Her twat mate(the third girl) comes over and is still crying(unrelated bullshit) and manages to distract out birds.

 

....

 

...

 

They go off with her but pledge to come back.

 

...

 

...

 

 

Chris' bird comes back.

 

...

...

 

My bird is still a no show... I look for her. Nothing. I look some more, nothing.

 

She had a boyfriend!(or has... whatever) This girl, was from what I understand, all crying about how she was messing around with me whilst she was in a relationship and her blonde mate was crying about how she lost her phone/purse.

 

Way to cockblock, third friend. Both wanted to fuck untill your little interruption.

 

Something similar happened to me in Las Vegas, met some bird from Portland in the Studio 54 nightclub. She was decent but her mate was a pig and dead uptight, I kept trying to get my mate to cop off with her but he wasn't interested so he fucked off to the bar all night and got gassed. I danced with this bird and she says "You know, I'd love to fuck an English guy, I love your accent, do you want to come back to my hotel room?, I leave for LA in the morning but I want to remember my last night in Vegas".

 

 

Yes, I'm well in here, I get back to her room in the Excalibur and start to take her clothes off but her pig ugly mate turns up at the door banging on it crying her eyes out because no one fancies her ad that she'll never meet anyone etc because my mate bonfired her. She made such a scene in the hallway the security guards turn up and in the end she came in, her mate said "Look, we'd better call it a night, my mate is in a state and we leave for LA in the morning" Real scenario - her mate is a selfish bitch who hates seeing her other mate get some British cock and wants to spoil it. I went back to my hotel thinking about what might have been.

[Harry Squatter]

Amen, the amount of times I've bagged off with top totty and she's been literally dragged away by her butch mate you wouldn't believe.

It's partly mates' faults though for not taking one from the team.

 

In warrington a while back I had this tasty little number totally ripe, had my hands all over her pulling her against my groin and all sorts, she'd given me her unconditional surrender.

But her mate - who wasn't that bad to be fair - kept trying to talk to my mate, and everytimes she did he'd just go to her face "YOU TRIPPIN FOR REAL!!!!"

She'd try again and he'd go "WHY YOU TRIPPIN N*GGER?!?!"

 

She'd ask me what was wrong and I'd just say 'he's a teacher and has had a stressful week' It all went tits up though and my poon was dragged off for a taxi giving me puppy eyes.

In hindsight I should have manned up and thrown her over my shoulder.

 

Me and my mate were on holiday in Brazil and we went on a day trip to some tropical islands called Buzios. On the boat I spot some little fitty who I start to chat up - she was Mexican, looked like Salma Hayek and spoke perfect English as she lived in Canada, anyway her mate was a fucking minger who looked like the cleaner out of the Goonies. I managed to get the fit one to meet me that night in a club in Rio but was dead worried that her mate was going to fuck everything up. I told my mate that we were going out that night to meet 2 Mexican birds and his "bird" couldnt speak English. We both copped off but my bird turns out to be a staunch Catholic who didnt believe in sex before marriage whereas his let him bang the arse off her. He shook his head after we left their hotel and said "I know I'd shag a barbers floor most times but I feel fucking dirty after that, and it's all your fault you cunt for thinking you could shag Salma Hayek, don't ever do that to me again". All the fucking groundwork for nothing!.

 

She still e-mails him now with horrific photos of her obese frame in a swimsuit on speedboats in Cancun and Acapulco, he asked me to e-mail her once to say he'd been killed in a car crash.

[odris]

Are pictures needed here?