Moaning council tennants

[Sweeney287]

These are genuine excerpts from British Council flat tenants, complaining to their Councils about problems with their flats;

 

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

 

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

 

6. My neighbor’s 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

 

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

 

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

 

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

 

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

 

13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

 

14. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 

15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

 

17. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

 

18. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

[Ged B]

Haha, some of them are quality.

Number 14 is a belter.

[Sweeney287]

Yeah, 14 was my favourite as well.

[bigredruss]

some complain about everything

[RoboRiise]

I first read these in 1984. My dad was given a paper copy of it by his mate when they both worked in a furniture store. He also received a sheet of crudely sexually explicit jokes and another one full of racist material that Jim Davidson would have been proud of.

 

I know this because I lifted them from his coat pocket one night, after I'd seen him reading them and laughing but he wouldn't show me what he was laughing at. Looking back, I was a right nosey little cunt.

 

Bottom line is that just like the "funny car insurance claims" one, this is as old as the hills. Some amusing wordplay though.

[Stu Monty]

12. Partial damage to rear bumper due to slight scraping on the wall as I was trying to park it.

 

You do forget how funny some of those were.

[RoboRiise]

"He was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I finally hit him."

 

"I saw a sad-faced, slow moving old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

 

Etc. They're moderately amusing.