Viz Letters

[AVEEZ]

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

 

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

 

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colin Hill

 

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

 

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

 

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

 

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '

 

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

 

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

 

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

 

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road Alan J., London

 

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

 

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. Les, Barnsley

 

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

 

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

 

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail

 

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, e-mail

 

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

 

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

 

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

 

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan

 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that

[Mav]

I laughed the first time this was posted too ;)

[Karl_b]

Its still on the first sodding page. Slack, shitty thread starting of teh FF creeps into the GF. Something needs to be done

 

*sharpens poking stick in anticipation*

[AVEEZ]

Its still on the first sodding page. Slack, shitty thread starting of teh FF creeps into the GF. Something needs to be done

 

*sharpens poking stick in anticipation*

 

[

 

Oi you twat.. just coz I wasnt awake enough to notice.. Think you'll find that whilst I may not be the most prolific - no life poster - on here I have been a member longer than you.. so fuck off and mind you're own business

 

Oh and the is spelt like this THE not teh you moron! FUCK OFF

[Elmyn Noos]

[

 

Oi you twat.. just coz I wasnt awake enough to notice.. Think you'll find that whilst I may not be the most prolific - no life poster - on here I have been a member longer than you.. so fuck off and mind you're own business

 

Oh and the is spelt like this THE not teh you moron! FUCK OFF

What a blindingly scathing retort. Hats off. Almost makes up for the idiocy of repeating the thread.

[Karl_b]

Well if you have been here so long then you would have the courtesy to think about what your posting, it really isnt difficult.

 

And the is spelt the not THE, no capital letters.

 

Im going to need a bigger stick.

[AVEEZ]

Well if you have been here so long then you would have the courtesy to think about what your posting, it really isnt difficult.

 

And the is spelt the not THE, no capital letters.

 

Im going to need a bigger stick.

 

And with the length of time you have been on here, you should have checked before making such a cuntish statement...

 

THE in capitals is still better than teh..wanker

 

A bigger stick - hope its a white one!

[Elmyn Noos]

play nicely now children.

[Karl_b]

Ok, but in your first reply surely you meant 'your' and not 'you're'. Also there's no such word as coz, and sentences end in full stops.

 

Also, can I just check with everyone that it's ok for me to post a cuntish reply before I just go ahead and do it?

[AVEEZ]

Ok, but in your first reply surely you meant 'your' and not 'you're'. Also there's no such word as coz, and sentences end in full stops.

 

Also, can I just check with everyone that it's ok for me to post a cuntish reply before I just go ahead and do it?

 

Well done Fuckwit did your mum check that for you?

[RedinSweden]

play nicely now children.

 

no. don't. fighting is cool. and by cool, i mean totally sweet.

[Karl_b]

Well done Fuckwit did your mum check that for you?

 

No, she's at work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dad did it.

[AVEEZ]

On TLW I believe the and teh are one and the same. Or is it one and teh same? Ask Tom. THE is just plain wrong.

 

Looking at your date of joining you have been a member for less time than me therefore I have the right to tell you to fuck off and not tell me... a long standing member of this forum.. what is and what is not acceptable on the TLW.. HA

[AVEEZ]

No, she's at work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dad did it.

 

Wow somebody in your family with a job.. you must be so proud!

[Karl_b]

I say job, its more community service.

[AVEEZ]

I say job, its more community service.

 

hahaha nice recovery .. hats off.. ;)

[Elmyn Noos]

Everyone has the right to tell everyone to fuck off on here. As long as it's grammatically correct when it's written. So off you fuck.

Off you fuck. Splendid phrase. Will steal that and claim it as mine own, if that's OK with you.

[RedinSweden]

Everyone has the right to tell everyone to fuck off on here. As long as it's grammatically correct when it's written. So off you fuck.

 

:no :no

 

so, off you fuck

[Mav]

Have nothing to contribute to this (or any other) thread other than to say it made me laugh.

 

Some good healthy peppered anglo saxon banter, served and returned in good homour. Excellent. What the GF is all about people.

[Elmyn Noos]

Have nothing to contribute to this (or any other) thread other than to say it made me laugh.

 

Some good healthy peppered anglo saxon banter, served and returned in good homour. Excellent. What the GF is all about people.

and continuing in the same spirit..

 

no-one asked for your approval, so off you fuck, mate*

 

 

 

 

* my first official use of this particular phrase and boy, do it feel good. I made it up you know.

[Karl_b]

Noos founder of excellent phrases and arse slapping challenges :whistle:

[Mav]

, so off you fuck, mate.

 

It's a Friday night so I'm saying there's a fair to middling chance you'd be right Noos ;)

[Kopite]

FUCKOFF ;)

[Karl_b]

FUCK OFF ;)

 

Ive taken the liberty to put a space between your words, no need to thank me.

;)

[Kopite]

Ive taken the liberty to put a space between your words, no need to thank me.

;)

 

CUNT ;)