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Premier League Round Up (Oct 5-6 2019)

“Everything's coming up Millhouse” was the phrase that kept coming to me as this weekend unfolded. We got a stoppage time penalty winner to go eight points clear, City lost at home to Wolves to keep us eight points clear, and then United lost at Newcastle to put Everton into the relegation zone. An absolute Bon Jovi of a weekend.

 

It kicked off with Spurs plumbing new depths by getting spanked by Brighton. It doesn’t impact us as Spurs are no threat anymore, but it’s still fucking funny like. It’s one thing being torn apart by Gnabri, Coutinho and Lewandowski, but who in the blue hell is Aaron Connolly?? Never heard of him before this weekend.

 

In fact, the first I heard of him was when I saw his name in a group chat on WhatsApp. “Aaron Connolly is lovely” declared John G. 

 

What the fuck??? Well this is a new development. I mean I’m good with it, live and let live, but I can’t say I’m not a little shocked. Then I see underneath he’s corrected himself by saying “lively!!”. Right, ok that makes sense. Except who the fuck is Aaron Connolly? 

 

Having watched MOTD I can reveal that Aaron Connolly is a teenage Irish striker who looks like a 12 year old with a fake beard glued to his face. 

 

He scored twice to add to Neil Maupay’s early opener as Brighton slapped Spurs around the Amex to collect their first win since they beat Watford by the same score on opening day. I’m tempted to say that maybe Brighton aren’t as bad as people think, but it’s probably just a case of Spurs being worse than anyone could have possibly imagined.

 

Lloris gifted Brighton the opener with a trademark blunder. He’s good for half a dozen of these a season. That number will probably be less this time as he busted his elbow in the process of dropping this clanger and will now miss three months. 

 

It might be for the best really. The back up might not make as many special saves as arl Hugo, but he sure as hell won’t make the same kind of spectacular fuck ups either.

 

Spurs were rancid though. It’s hard to believe just how bad they’ve been this season. The rot started last season even if most of us didn’t realise it at the time. At one stage they almost got themselves into the title race but then they just started losing games all over the fucking shop and ended up fourth. Reaching the CL Final and that fluke win over Ajax maybe masked the problems they were having, but there’s no hiding place now. They’re a mess.

 

Credit to Brighton as they played well and fully deserved the win. Connolly was indeed lovely, I mean lively, and his second goal was a cracker.

 

That result was surprising, shocking even. But the result that really made me do a double take on Saturday was at Carrow Road. Norwich have turned into a pumpkin since they beat Man City. It’s mad; you beat City and then a few weeks later you’re losing 5-1 to Aston fucking Villa. It could have been worse too as Villa missed a pen. Wesley was the culprit, although he had already scored two by that point so no real harm done.

 

Grealish then scored a nice goal to make it 3-0. He’s probably a very good player but I struggle to see it as I’m so blinded with disdain for how he looks. I bet when he’s not wearing a footy kit he dresses like a Peaky Blinder. Twat.

 

Some cat called Hourihane (never heard of him before) lashed in number four and Douglas Luiz curled in a beauty to make it five. Great goal that. Think he scored one like that earlier in the season too? He’s got rid of the ridiculous hairstyle now though, an example his captain should probably follow.

 

Norwich did manage a late consolation goal and the lad who scored it went and picked the ball up out of the net and ran back to the centre circle with it. It was stoppage time and they were 5-1 down, but 10/10 for optimism.

 

Credit where it’s due, Villa were good (they’ve been decent all season in fairness, even if the results haven’t always shown that) but the real story here is Norwich. I know they’ve got players out injured and some of those who are playing aren’t fit, but 5-1 at home to Villa tells me that I’ve completely over-rated them and my initial fear that they might be this year’s Fulham now sadly seem justified.

 

They’re second from bottom and it’s not a false position, despite what they did to City. I don’t want them to go down because I like how they play, but if I’m being completely honest it’s mostly because it will make me look bad after I was bigging them up. I’d like to think they will win enough home games to stay up (especially after they beat City) but if you’re losing at home to Villa then the writing is surely on the wall. 

 

Prince William was there with the family. He’s a big Villa fan of course and Dean Smith joked afterwards that he’d happily get them tickets for all their games if this is the result. Yeah, that’d be about right, someone else paying for them to live the highlife. Freeloading fucks. Ok, so watching Villa doesn’t exactly qualify as living the highlife, but the point stands.

 

While Norwich and Villa were going at it, the other newly promoted side continue to pick up points steadily and unspectacularly. They’ve got the same points as Manchester United and at this rate might end the season as the highest placed United. They drew away at Watford this weekend which is a decent point for them and a bad one for the hapless Hornets, who remain rock bottom.

 

Watford should have won but Dawson missed a free header, Gray fluffed an open goal from five yards and Danny Welcrap went clean through and shot straight at the keeper. It would have been more of a shock if he’d scored to be honest. Fucking rubbish him. Marcus Rashford, that’s a glimpse into your future that, lad.

 

Wait, hold on, I forgot about another United. West Ham. They are clearly the best United in the league currently. They’ve been getting some good press lately and there’s even been some talk they might be a threat to break into the top six. I wouldn’t rule it out purely on the basis that the Mancs certainly won’t be in it and Spurs are in freefall, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that West Ham are not very good either.

 

They lost at home to Palace in a gut wrenching manner as Ayew’s last minute winner was initially ruled out for offside before it was overturned by VAR. Haller had prodded West Ham in front but Declan Rice handled in the box allowing Van Aanholt to equalise from the spot. Palace then won it in the last minute to pick up another win in which they never looked anything other than mediocre.

 

I keep saying Palace are shite because I’m yet to see anything to convince me otherwise. Well, there’s the league table, obviously, which apparently never lies, but if it’s not lying then it’s defo playing a practical joke on us with Palace. They’re joint fourth and only two points behind City.

 

Other than us and City, no-one has more away points in 2019 than Palace and I think they might have the fourth highest points total, which is fucking mental, because they are shit. By shit, I mean a bottom six side. Or are they better than that? Tell me if I’m wrong here.

 

They can’t keep this up and it will catch up with them eventually, but hopefully not too soon as they’ve got City at Selhurst Park next. Imagine if they won and leapfrogged them in the table! If that happens then even I will give them credit and admit I might be wrong.

 

One thing I know for absolute certain is that Everton are shite. They lost again on Saturday. No surprise there as they were away from home and they always lose away from home. I honestly didn’t give them an ice cube’s chance in hell of getting anything at Burnley and so it proved, as Coleman was sent off and Hendrick volleyed the winner for the Clarets.

 

Once again, I’m looking at Pickford on that goal but I seem to be the only one, other than Alan Shearer who said ‘he should do better’ but his opinion is worthless as he didn’t think Mané should have had a pen. Still, it could be worse, he could be Danny Murphy who put Choudhury’s foul on Mo down to tiredness, even though the fucker had only come on the field five minutes earlier. 

 

Everton though. They’re in such a bad way aren’t they? I was talking to a Blue I know the other day and he just had nothing to say. Didn’t want to discuss them at all, he’s just utterly given up. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. 

 

Onto Sunday now, and what a great day that was. Unless you follow a Manchester team of course.

 

United losing at St James’ Park should have come as a surprise to no-one. They don’t look like they can beat anyone at the moment. They’re hilariously shit, I actually think they might be worse than we’ve been at any point over the last 30 years. 

 

Maybe we were slightly worse in the dying throws of the Souness era, or at any time during the Hodgson one, but I’m not sure we ever had a run of results as bad as Solksjaer’s currently on. 

 

Of course even when we were at our lowest ebb we were usually able to raise our game when we played United and some of our worst teams managed to get results against some of their best, so when we go to Old Trafford next week I expect a completely different United to the one we’ve been watching lately. 

 

It shouldn’t matter though, even if they raised their game by 80% they’d still be nowhere near our level, unless we dropped ours by the same amount in which case in might end up 0-0.

 

My feelings towards Newcastle fans are well documented but I like Steve Bruce and you’d need to have a heart of stone not to be pleased for the Longstaff brothers. That was just a really great story. How can you watch that and not smile. 

 

Two brothers who’ve been fans of the club their whole lives, getting to play together in centre midfield against Manchester United, and the younger one scored the winner on his debut. It’s just brilliant feel-good story unless you’re a Man United fan.

 

I’m really happy for the pair of them as it’s such a genuinely great story. It won’t be once they’ve played a few games and the novelty wears off, but right now this is boss.

 

You know what the best part of this was though? Martin Keown comparing Matty Longstaff with Paul Scholes, presumably just because he’s ginger and plays in midfield. Hilarious, not least because of the fume it will have generated in all the Scholes fanboys. HOW DARE HE!! They’d take offence if you compared Pirlo with Scholes, let alone some Geordie teenager who’s only played one fucking game. 

 

Keown also compared Sean Longstaff with Carrick, which again will have caused ructions within football hipster circles. Good work, Martin, I like it. Your best bit of Manc baiting since the Van Nistelrooy incident (still cracks me up even now any time I see the footage of that).

 

While United were being embarrassed up on Tyneside, Chelsea were re-enforcing their top four credentials with a routine win down on the south coast at Southampton. Kevin Abraham’s clever improvised finish set them on their way. That’s six goals in three away games for him and nine in total. 

 

Mount made it 2-0 with a well taken finish for his fourth of the season, Ings pulled one back but Kante restored Chelsea’s two goal advantage with a deflected shot before substitute Batshuayi wrapped it up.

 

Abraham and Mount have been one of the biggest stories of the Premier League season so far. Chelsea look like the third best team at the moment and those two young lads have been the main reason for that as they’ve been terrific.

 

Both did well in the Championship but I don’t think anyone (not even Lampard) really anticipated them making this kind of impact. It does make me wonder how Harry Wilson would do for us if given the chance. Harry was just as good as those two at Championship level and he’s started well at Bournemouth, but he doesn’t have the benefit of playing with genuinely top class players (all due respect to my boy Ryan Fraser). 

 

The big difference between Wilson and those two is opportunity. Chelsea’s forward line wasn’t great and Lampard had a free swing at it. They got their chance through default / necessity, whereas Wilson was trying to break into the best front three in world football. If he was a Chelsea player he’d probably be tearing it up right now.

 

Harry did ok on Sunday but he couldn’t prevent Bournemouth going down to a solitary goal by David Luiz in the opening ten minutes. 

 

The Gunners aren’t impressing at all and could easily have dropped points in this one. They’re a lot like Man United only they have a better manager and better forwards. And some genuinely good kids coming through. So not really much like Man United at all really. Sorry Arsenal, that was harsh.

 

Dom Solanke is starting every week for Bournemouth now but he never scores does he? It’s just not happening for him. They should probably play Josh King up front and get my boy Fraser on the left wing, but I hope Solanke can turn it around. Not for any particular reason other than I kept saying I thought he was going to be good and he’s making me look a dickhead by being about as much of a goal threat as that worm with eyebrows Almiron up at Newcastle.

 

Like a stopped clock, I do get it right sometimes. And I absolutely nailed the City game. Sort of. I was in the car with Adrianna on Sunday morning and she asked who City were playing and whether they’d win. I said they’d probably win comfortably because they’re at home and Wolves have been crap this season. 

 

However, I then went into great detail about how there is a faint glimmer of hope because City’s biggest weakness is the left side of their defence (with Otamendi and whichever slapdick left back happens to be playing) and that Wolves have this player who is the fastest in the league and who has finally started to add some quality to his pace. 

 

God’s honest truth here, I spent about five minutes telling her how Adama Traore has matured and that he could expose City if they don’t score early and then roll all over Wolves. I told her about how City leave their centre backs exposed and that Otamendi is a one man disaster zone, and that if Wolves can isolate him and use Traore’s speed they could do us a big favour. 

 

I went into such specifics that I even managed to convince myself it might happen. The key to the game was if Wolves could hold out long enough to be able to mount some counter attacks. I gave it maybe a 5% chance though because in all likelihood City would score early and run away with it. 

 

I then forgot about all about it and didn’t even give it a second thought until Adrianna asked me what the score was later on. It was half time and when I checked it was still 0-0, but apparently Wolves had missed two or three great opportunities on the break. Having since watched the highlights, they missed two sitters and should have had a penalty when Jimenez was clearly fouled from behind.

 

So having read about how well Wolves had done, I was defo watching the second half because it was going exactly according to plan. If City don’t blow you away early then you have a chance, and clearly Wolves had brought their ‘A game’ for this one. When they’re at it they’re horrible to play against because they’re so resolute and they carry a big threat on the break.

 

So I watched the second half and I saw City toiling away while never really looking like doing anything. Silva hit the bar from a free-kick but the usual onslaught you’d expect just never came.Wolves carried the bigger threat all afternoon, at least they did on the rare occasions they were able to break out without being fouled. City were doing the old ‘tactical foul’ thing, except this time the ref was having none of it. I think they had six players booked.

 

I mean shit, at one point they had two players booked for fouls in the same counter attack! Well done Craig Pawson, hopefully this is something that refs have finally cottoned on to, because if City have to cut down on the tactical fouls that stop the opposition getting at their clown show of a defence, they’re fucked.

 

Phil Taylor might be the greatest darts player that has ever lived, but how good would he be if he wasn’t allowed to hit treble twenty? Tactical fouls are Man City’s treble twenty. It’s the key to everything they do and without them they’d be exposed every week.

 

Wolves kept them at bay with an ease I don’t think I’ve seen from anyone in the last two seasons. It was weird, because usually I’m watching City games with a sense of foreboding that at any second they are going to score. This time I didn’t have that. They looked toothless and Wolves were dealing with them easily.

 

Defensively they were sensational but what won the game for them was the tactical change made by Nuno Holy Spirit, when he sent on Doherty to play right wing back, freeing up Traore to go up top.

 

Traore had actually done a great job defensively on Sterling, but now he was able to do what I had been hoping to see him do. Exploit the space and run at that shitty City defence. And boy did he do that.

 

City were becoming increasingly ragged in their attempts to break Wolves down, and when Cancelo gave it away cheaply Jiminez found himself with acres of grass to run into and only the hapless Otamendi in front of him. The result was what you’d expect.

 

It’s one of the biggest mysteries in football how this fucking train wreck of a player has had the career he has. Hell, some cunts even voted him on the Team of the Season a couple of years back. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that, it was mind blowing.

 

Here’s the thing. We often describe opposing players as shite when really they aren’t. I do it all the time, but it’s all relative and they’re obviously not shite. A good example is Jon Walters, who I mocked unmercifully for years. I’ll admit it now he’s retired; Jon Walters wasn’t shite. There, I said it. I feel dirty now, but it’s true.

 

Otamendi genuinely IS shite though. He’s a massive liability. He’s always getting booked for hauling players down after they’ve skinned him and it’s not even like he compensates for his shite defending by being good with the ball at his feet (like David Luiz for example). He’s shite at everything. No redeeming qualities at all. 

 

I don’t know how the hell he’s ended up at City and playing so many games because he looks to me like the worst defender in the league. The only mitigating factor in his defence is that maybe if he played for a Burnley or a Palace, with lots of protection from full backs and his midfield, he might not look as bad as he does. Maybe. 

 

In City’s system though, where he is often left one v one against opposition forwards, he’s as bad as any player in the country. I’ve said it before, but Otamendi is Lovren on one of those mad days he has, only he’s like that every week.

 

Jimenez just left him flat on his arse, but when you watch it you see that he didn’t even really do anything. The commentator described it as “an incredible bit of skill by Jimenez”. Since when has running in a straight line with the ball been an “incredible bit of skill”? Because that is literally all Jimenez did. There was no trick, no stepover, he just ran with the ball and Otamendi ended up on the seat of his pants.

 

Jimenez found Traore in space and he did the rest. I shouted to Adrianna to come and see. She comes in and I tell her “Wolves are winning, and look who scored”. She couldn’t believe it, not just that City were losing at home to Wolves, but that the player I’d told her could do the damage had just scored. 

 

Poor kid genuinely thinks I know what I’m talking about now. She’ll realise eventually I’m full of shit and I make these kind of predictions every week and they never come off, but for now I’ll bask in the adulation that Traore has provided. 

 

I put something similar in the WhatsApp chat too with the lads. Credit was given but the adulation I got from Adrianna wasn’t forthcoming from them, probably because they know the sun even shines on a dog’s arse somedays.

 

Anyway, at 1-0 I felt great because even if City somehow came up with an equaliser (which never looked likely), a draw was still great for us. City huffed and puffed and had a couple of half chances, but Wolves stood firm and then in stoppage time my boy Adama (he’s my boy now, how could he not be after this?) went clear again and finished them off.

 

City are now eight behind us which is not that big a deal considering they play us twice. That being said, they’d need to win those games and given the way they’re defending they can’t be feeling good about their chances. If they play like this against us, they’ll be on the receiving end of a worse beating than the one they gave Watford.

 

I’m not being complacent because I don’t expect they will play like that against us. I’m just saying, if they did we’d fucking kill them. I’d never write them off in the title race either because we’ve seen how they can just reel off 16 wins on the bounce. 

 

Yet it does feel different this season. They just don’t look the same, because they aren’t the same. Kompany has gone and they’ve lost Sane and Laporte to long term injuries. De Bruyne was missing too, and Bernardo is looking down the barrel of a lengthy ban. I expect they will get back to what they were, but how many more points will they drop before they find their mojo again? Hopefully plenty.

 

They are so wide open at the back and the cavalry isn’t coming any time soon. Stones coming back will help, not least because Fernandinho will be able to go back into midfield, but that won’t solve everything, especially while my boy Otamendi (he’s my boy now, how could he not be after this?) is still in there.

 

What a fucking weekend!


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In my first ever organised football game for All Saints Under-10's , our manager's first advice to the defenders was never go to ground. What kind of fucking teachers are they producing in Argentina.

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Ohhhhhhhhhh riiiiiight. How come I got this from you on WhatsApp and I quote:

"Rog. Defo wulvz goin2 get fukd dis wknd dat otimedny iz gr8 defendur an iz gunna fukn scor a hatty U wotch" 

Go on. Explain that away. 

 

In other news "Nuno Holy Spirit". Good marks for that. Although it could of course be another off your old man. Own up. Tell. 

 

 

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An aging Fernandinho going back into midfield combined with the refs' apparent clampdown on City's tactical fouling will hopefully yield predictable results. 

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Anyone else think there's a certain irony in the Chelsea situation?........ Having to play their youngsters because of a transfer ban. Their decent start is largely down to the performances of their youngsters, Abraham (Kevin?!, didn't know that!), Mount, Tomori. What was their transfer ban for - 29 infringements regarding the recruitment and registration of.... young footballers.

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Good report Dave but what's with all the shitting on the Irish players? Hourihane is one of our better players. Connolly is the next bright hope. The only thing you said in our favour was that Jonathan Walters was not as shit as you previously mentioned. And I'm sure that was through gritted teeth. 

 

Also Kevin Abraham? Was that a misprint or is it a joke that I'm missing out on in some way?

 

Other than that though, highly entertaining as always. 

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25 minutes ago, buster69 said:

Good report Dave but what's with all the shitting on the Irish players? Hourihane is one of our better players. Connolly is the next bright hope. The only thing you said in our favour was that Jonathan Walters was not as shit as you previously mentioned. And I'm sure that was through gritted teeth. 

 

Also Kevin Abraham? Was that a misprint or is it a joke that I'm missing out on in some way?

 

Other than that though, highly entertaining as always. 

Real name is Kevin, he uses Tammy as Kevin is such a girly name.

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3 hours ago, buster69 said:

Good report Dave but what's with all the shitting on the Irish players? Hourihane is one of our better players. Connolly is the next bright hope. The only thing you said in our favour was that Jonathan Walters was not as shit as you previously mentioned. And I'm sure that was through gritted teeth. 

 

Also Kevin Abraham? Was that a misprint or is it a joke that I'm missing out on in some way?

 

Other than that though, highly entertaining as always. 

 

Never heard of him and didn't know he was Irish. I didn't shit on him or Connolly though, other than to say until this weekend I didn't know who either of them were. In fact, I said Connolly was lovely... I mean lively.

 

And in fairness, being one of Ireland's better players these days is like being one of the fastest snails.

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Terrific weekend that was indeed, and you forgot to mention Brest won and you did great business with me.

 

Can we have the entire list of the Dave U’s boys plizz ?

And can you get your daughter to testify you’re not lying ? 

 

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I particularly liked your image of Conolly. It was indeed a football fans purist dream of a weekend, if you support Liverpool of course, not so much for the dregs of society  who await our first slip up so they can dip their toes into the fountain of success. I guess they'll have to wait a while longer. 

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15 hours ago, Arnaud said:

Terrific weekend that was indeed, and you forgot to mention Brest won and you did great business with me.

 

Can we have the entire list of the Dave U’s boys plizz ?

And can you get your daughter to testify you’re not lying ? 

 

 

No chance I can do a list as it's impossible for me to keep track. I've had more boys than a Catholic priest.

 

 

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On 11/10/2019 at 19:44, dave u said:

 

Never heard of him and didn't know he was Irish. I didn't shit on him or Connolly though, other than to say until this weekend I didn't know who either of them were. In fact, I said Connolly was lovely... I mean lively.

 

And in fairness, being one of Ireland's better players these days is like being one of the fastest snails.

I'm delighted there's another lovely Connolly in the world to take some of the pressure off me. 

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Onto Sunday now, and what a great day that was. Unless you follow a Manchester team of course.

 

I work in an office in Stockport and I don't think that I heard any talk about football until Wednesday - and then it was some guy trying to get rid of 2 tickets for Utd v LFC (I kid you not).  Whilst me and a couple of Reds I know were walking around permanently smiling. 

I knew that Wolves would do okay - I even kept Coady in my Fantasy Team.

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Still, it could be worse, he could be Danny Murphy who put Choudhury’s foul on Mo down to tiredness, even though the fucker had only come on the field five minutes earlier. 

I think that you missed the point that Danny was making there, Dave.  He meant that Mo must have been getting tired for Choudhury to even get close enough to clatter him.

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