Geoff Woade

-I have very right ring views when it comes to law and order and agree with the death penalty. I also wouldn’t limit it to murder, for example I would happily see those people that threw acid on that toddler strung up. Without wanting to go full daily mail it seems the country is becoming a lawless shithole and something needs to be done. Failing a death penalty we should build prisons that are carbon copies of Black Dolphin in Russia. -I cannot be doing with babies. I have my own kids and they are sound now they are older but I hated the baby stage. Everything about it is a complete horror show. The broken sleep, the feeding, crying, just everything about it is awful. I don’t get how anyone could get any enjoyment out of it. When any of our friends tell us they are having a baby and are made up I have an overwhelming urge to burst their bubble and tell them how shit it is, I’ll then avoid them as much as possible for the next few years because I’m worried they’ll invite us out and they’ll bring the baby so the event will be ruined by them feeding it, changing it, letting it scream in public etc. - I think it is fair enough when a burglar has been maimed or killed. I have zero sympathy.

Car companies advertising their wares for low monthly payments that sound affordable but then reveal the massive deposit thus rendering it again unaffordable. It’s complete bollocks and pointless. I could advertise a Rolls Royce for 50 quid a month and then reveal the deposit to be 199 grand. Crap, fuck off.

Karius to producer ‘I need something to help people forget about the final’ Producer to Karius ‘I guarantee that the final will never again be spoken of as the low point of your life’ Karius to producer ‘wunderbar, here are many thousands of your American dollars’ Producer to Karius (under breath) ‘fucking thick cunt’

I’m similar with feelings of doom. Went for a crap at work the other morning saw back down in the pan and the water was completely red. In 7 seconds I’d self diagnosed terminal cancer, wondering will the life insurance will pay out for the kids and picking funeral songs. Then I realised I’d been first in the bog that morning so the water was still red from the bleach. In short - you’ll be fine, it’s a cyst and your stomach is probably off because of anxiety over the cyst.

No doubt from me, I’d have loved a Agger / Virgil centre back partnership. Incredible talent, sound guy done in by bad injuries. Brilliant modern centre back that knew how to finish as well. Stunk of quality.

I could be quite positive if it was for a ‘weekend getaways’ publication. In all seriousness, it’s brilliant and I loved the experience overall, the people were lovely as well but the norms there do come as a bit of a shock and would be difficult to cope with long term.

After living there for a couple of years my brother is a complete goldmine for quality stories. The Vietnam ‘you weren’t there, man’ look on his face when he tells us about one of the times he ended up in hospital there with some sort of food poisoning. Normal ward but instead of the usual toilet facilities you’d expect to find, there was the classic hole in the ground squatter just in the corner of the ward, that his bed was right next to, with no curtain or privacy wall. He said he’d taught himself to cope but then a doctor came in, noisily used the ‘bog’ and then started to examine my brother without washing his hands.

My brother married a girl from China so I went over for the wedding and stayed a while. It manages to be the best and shittest country at the same time. I was in constant awe of the flagrant way people there disregard rules, they’ll happily just stop in the fast lane of the motorway, get out and have a walk around, their alcohol consumption is off the chart and the food was incredible for unbelievably cheap prices. It seemed like heaven to me, I stayed in a massive hotel room in a luxury hotel for about 13 quid a night and basically struggled to spend any money of note. After a few days though, the cracks appear, people gobbing up massive tennis balls of lung butter loudly and firing them 3 inches from where you’re standing, rats running lose in food shops, the absolute lack of any organisation whatsoever. This all pales in comparison though to the horror that occurs after 4 or 5 days, constant yellow diarrohea that gives you about 4 seconds warning before having a serious trouser accident. I still had it 2 weeks after getting back and they thought I had malaria. In short - I can absolutely see why the players willingly go to play in China based on a quick visit but I can also see why they all try and cancel the contracts after a couple of months. It’s all well and good earning 900,000 a week but you can’t spend it if you have to be permanently welded to the bog.

Prison generally does sound ok apart from the other people in there. Probably like being in a 2 star all inclusive in Greece that’s overrun with Russians.

Forest Bank, but from what I understood it wasn’t there that purps had got hold of him.

My brother in law whom I despise was sent to prison a while back for stabbing someone. It was a glorious day when I found out, made even sweeter that he had not turned up to his sentencing so the police had been and ‘extracted’ him from his house and smashed his tele in the process. We got tasked with having to visit the first time because we’re the only ones who can drive and had to give the mother in law a lift. I went there absolutely beside myself with excitement at the prospect of hearing how bad it was, tales of violence, horrible conditions and generally revelling in his misery. Genuinely one of the most deflating experiences of my life. It was more like a college in appearance, own clothes (I had been praying he’d be in a bronson style patchwork boilersuit) and sounded a like a holiday. ‘Pad’ to himself, tv, console, decent meals. He was even ordering clothes out of a catalogue. He was genuinely not arsed about getting out. He did say there was a dwarf in there called shotgun who’d been bummed by purple aki but I think he was just trying to cheer me up because I was so gutted he wasn’t suffering enough for my liking.

Mark Corrigan’s disabled brother?

I could be in for some punishment here but I always thought Daley Blind was a decent player and wouldn’t have minded him. Always seemed like a decent player and I always assumed that when he was dropped by Mourinho it was because he wasn’t enough of a cunt for his liking. Surprised he’s going on a free.

Would this be a good time to drop in my first ever ‘this thread is hard to wank to’ post? Some scenes in here, can we just admit that every colour, creed, race, religion or whatever has mostly good people but also some utter cunts who spoil it for everyone. And the extremists of whatever group are normally the barrel scrapings.

It’s in his DNA........evidence

Someone said to me yesterday something that sums him up perfectly. He’d happily unplug someone’s life support machine so he could charge his phone’

Fucking snidey haircut on the prick as well. He looks like the sort of weirdo that tries to suck himself off in the bath.

Mrs is away for the weekend so I'm holding the baby and therefore unable to go out to watch. Good news for me because all she does is fucking moan when I let off smoke bombs and flares in the living room.

Basic list of countries / places to be avoided given to the wife when she’s researching the annual week of misery that is to be endured with 2 kids under 5. Anywhere the name of the country ends in ‘istan’ Anywhere you can’t flush the toilet paper down the bog Anywhere the kids will probably die if they have ice in their drinks Anywhere we would be getting persued by people through market places demanding we buy rugs or leather jackets from them. Greece. Unfortunately the last time we went it was full of Russians and they lived down to everything I’d heard. Russia. Egypt Turkey India Anywhere Nordic - I’m not tight but the prices there are so horrific I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself and would constantly be on edge.

I don’t think it’s a high status isssue. People in general will keep doing things they get away with. If anything you’d think they’d worry they’ve always got a camera pointed at them they’d think they could do less.

Probably not just modern shitness but any time a club is trying to sign a decent player only to be slagged by fans of other clubs ‘what would he want to go there for / why are they even bothering trying signing him etc. Maybe it’s because the club is trying to actually improve the team and showing a bit of ambition. Absolutely grinds my gears, mocked if shite and buying shite players, mocked if trying to sign someone good. As bad is the press trying to sell your top players, see the manufacturing of the papers about Salah going. Then when they do go the same pricks moan about top players being taken away. Gang of strapons

Best CB in the league for me. Complete package. Forget the 75 million, it doesn’t matter. Absolutely stinks of quality. You can tell by the confidence/arrogance. All of a sudden gone from a top attacking team with a shite defence to a solid unit. He’s brilliant. Raised the game in defence the same way Suarez did for the attack. Karius looking decent, Robertson quality and what an education for Gomez and TAA. Lovren looking assured and Matip maybe realising he needs to be at optimum if he’s going to play. Really positive stuff. Well done to him, picked who he wanted to play for and is giving it all. I admit to putting him in the shitness of modern football thread when he was being a dick to Southampton but he’s been a credit.

If anyone wants to spend their time developing a new intense hatred of someone, look up Will Smith’s kids. Jayden and Willow. To put it politely they are ‘mildly cretinous’ https://media.gq.com/photos/5a217cc36da9f549453cadcf/master/w_800/GettyImages-883390488.jpg

Brooklyn Beckham. Talentless coat-tail riding no mark. Wanted to be a footballer - turns up at Arsenal academy. Then a model - straight in at some major brand even though he’s a gormless looking bellend. On to photography and straight away manages to get in at another top brand. Never seemed to have to go to school like other kids. How many normal kids have missed out on something they’ve worked hard for so he can be shoe horned in because of who his parents are. He is the worst example of nepotism and being handed everything on a plate ever. Greg Rutherford - Wants so desperately to be a celebrity, genuinely believes he should be a rich megastar because he can jump a long way. Probably only considered good because there’s about 83 people in the whole world who’ve ever bothered having a go at the long jump. Who honestly cares about the long jump, someone should tell him it’s just the warm up act between heats in the sprints. Any celebrity who goes on a reality show and then when they get booted off starts wittering on about ‘the incredible journey’ they’ve had. Mostly they haven’t been on any journey, they’ve baked a few things or spent two weeks getting hammered in the big brother house. Also when they say they are doing a show so people can ‘see the real them’, nobody cares about the real them, they just want to watch them eat a kangaroos dick. Special mentions for the ones who turn up in every possible reality show because nothing could be worse than actually having a normal job. For example Joe ‘no tv job too small’ Swash.

Genuine question purely because I have been surprised by the figure, and I don't mean because it's benefits. I would be surprised if you told me less than 1% of people committed fraud on their taxes. The less than 1% fraud. Is this based on The number of people convicted for fraud per 100 claimants? Or Is it based on the amount of overpaid benefit classed as fraud following a fraud investigation (does it include all benefits including unemployment / disability / tax credits / pension credit / housing benefit etc)? Or Is that an estimate that doesn't include actual prosecutions.