The weekend kicked off on Friday night, with Everton having the chance to knock us off top spot. All they had to do was beat winless, newly promoted Aston Villa. An easy task for the big spending Blues, the team tipped by many to be the biggest threat to the big six this year. Well, at least that’s what you’d think if you believed the hype about them.
They’re about as much of a threat to the top six as I am to Rafa Nadal’s hopes of winning another French Open. The Blues are what they are. A mid-table side that will never be good enough to be anything more, and probably won’t ever be bad enough to be anything less.
They deserved to lose at Villa. They were second best and offered very little. Villa played well and they’ve actually started the season looking very competitive. Unfortunately for them they won’t get to play Everton every week and it’s going to be a slog for them.
Everton though. Every year it’s the same. Every year we hear about how good they’re going to be and every year they’re bang average. They’ll win enough home games to keep them in the middle of the table and con their fans into thinking they’re on the right track, but away from home they’ll continue to stink it up.
Said it before but it’s worth repeating. Andre Gomes is a massive fraud. I was first alerted to this when everyone seemed to be creaming themselves about him after the Anfield derby. All he did was play a couple of half decent passes while striding around looking handsome. Newsflash, he’s not very good. That’s why he’s at Everton. When you’re that good looking and you’ve got Barcelona on your CV, it’s easy to fool people into thinking you’re better than you are.
How the fuck is Richarlison doing it though? He’s never played for Barca and he’s damn sure not handsome. It’s one of life’s great mysteries how he ended up in Brazil’s Copa America squad. I’ve long suspected that they have some equal opportunities scheme whereby shite players are given the same rights as the great ones.
Think about it, Brazil’s squads have always been the same. World Class Superstars with a smattering of “how the fuck did he get in there” turds. It’s been like that as long as I can remember. The 1982 squad had Zico, Eder, Falcao, Socrates, Junior…. and some cart horse up front called Serginho. Kleberson actually won a World Cup. And don’t get me started on Fred, Andre Santos, Jo, Afonso Alves, Roque Junior or that fat lad with the cornrows who warmed United’s bench for a few years.
Richarlison is a decent Premier League forward. I’m not telling you he’s completely useless and he’s certainly no Dominic Calvert-Lewin, but he’s a 10 goal a season forward who spends so much time lying on the floor he may as well be a fucking rug. Those cheeky bastards are forever complaining on social media about Salah’s diving, when they’ve got this cunt hurling himself around on a weekly basis.
I do look at him sometimes though and think he might look good if he had better players around him, but then if he was as good as some seem to think then he should be standing out anyway, surely? Currently the only thing he stands out for is his constant cheating and his annoying face. I took a dislike to him the first time I saw him (opening day against us, two years ago) and my first impressions are usually pretty reliable.
So anyway, the Blues had their chance to go above us but their arses went, as usual. They’ve spent so long in our shadow that any time there’s a chance to emerge from it and have a little frolic in the sunshine, they react like an albino and retreat back into the shade.
That result was funny but it was topped a day later when United lost at home to Palace. The winning goal came in stoppage time after United had equalised in the last minute. To top it off, after all the discussion that went on after Pogba’s miss last week, Rashford only went and missed a pen! Just absolutely hilarious. There’s so much to this one that I don’t know where to start.
Ok, I think I’ll start with Daniel James. What a little prick he’s turning out to be. It was quite a nice story when he got a move from Swansea, but he’s a cocky little prick and he hits the floor quicker than Richarlison. He had more dives than Tom Daley last week at Wolves and that was perhaps in Paul Tierney’s mind when he booked him in this game. Replays showed that he had actually been caught this time, but it’s the boy who cried wolf isn’t it? He’s only been in the league two minutes and his card is marked already.
He scored a nice goal to equalise in the 89th minute after United had trailed for most of the game. Now ordinarily, when it’s a game you’re expected to win and you score in the last minute to equalise, you pick the ball up and run back to the centre circle. That’s what United’s other forwards did, only they then had to run back over and drag James away as he was posing with his arms folded in front of the Stratford End.
What a tit. You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. Even Lingard wouldn’t have pulled that shit, and when it comes to posing there is virtually nothing that is off limits to that ballbag.
So United were now thinking they might go on and win it, only they got caught in hilarious fashion. Pogba was striding forward with the ball but wasn’t paying attention and was robbed by Benteke. The ball was worked to Zaha who drove into the box, and although he had it nicked off his toe, Van Aanholt had made up huge amounts of ground to seize on the loose ball and fire a shot through De Gea at the near post. Incredibly funny.
I like Van Aanholt. I don’t think he’s a particularly good full back as he can’t defend and doesn’t really seem like he wants to, but I like the adventurous streak he has that sees him spending more time in the opposition box than Benteke.
As for United. They are who we thought they were. This is why I said in the ‘Week that Was’ when they beat Chelsea 4-0 that it was a good thing, because it would give them delusions of grandeur and make them think they’re better than they are.
These were my exact words - United spanking Chelsea 4-0 was great. Why? Because they’re shite but this will make people think they aren’t. Let them get their hopes up. Let them think Maguire is going to be their Van Dijk and that this is the season when Pogba lives up to all of his hype. It’s going to make it all the more enjoyable when it all goes to shit and they lose 3-0 at home to Villa or Bournemouth.
Ok so it wasn’t 3-0 and it was Palace, but the point stands. And they still might lose 3-0 at home to Villa or Bournemouth.
Chelsea got their first win of the season after edging a five goal thriller at Carrow Road. It was deserved, although Norwich put up a good showing and it was a cracking game. Norwich won’t be involved in too many dull ones.
Tammy Abraham scored twice while Mason Mount got the other. Just what Lampard needed really, as he’s putting his faith in some of these young players (partly through necessity, but in fairness Giroud, Batshuayi and Willian were on the bench so it’s not like he had no other choice) and his future at the club will hinge on whether they become top level players or not.
The jury is obviously still out on Abraham but he definitely has something about him. He looks like he SHOULD be a really good player, but we’ll see. He already looks better than a lot of the high profile, big money flops Chelsea have signed at the position. Kezman, Shevchenko, Torres, Batshuayi, Higuain etc
Mount has started the season brilliantly but it’s getting on my tits how commentators feel they have to give him his full name every time they mention him. It’s because both his first name and surname start with the same letter. You automatically feel like you have to say both because they roll off the tongue. There’s loads of examples, and it’s hard not to do it to be fair. It’s just instinctive. Bobby Ball. Charlie Chaplin. Nina Nana. Dion Dublin. Peter Piper. Frankie Fredericks. Gary Glitter. Yeah I’ll stop there.
Norwich were good again though, especially going forward. Defensively they can be a bit open but that Godfrey kid looks like a big prospect.
My boy Pukki (that’s right, I’ve made it official now) had a goal and an assist. After last week’s Round Up I received a whatsapp message from a Danish mate of mine (who will remain nameless to spare his blushes later in the season when Pukki bags goal number 20) saying “Pukki is shite. Wasn’t even anything special in Denmark and flopped at Schalke and Celtic”
So anyway, Pukki scored again and also set one up, and now he’s officially ‘my boy’. So in your face DT! Oooops, sorry Pete!
Watford’s dreadful form continued as they lost 3-1 at home to West Ham. When you’re losing at home to West Ham you know you’ve got problems. They got off to a brutal start when the Hammers were handed an iffy pen inside the first minute. Mark Noble slotted it on his 6000th appearance for the club. It might not be that many, but you’d think it was given how much attention it was given by TV and radio.
Watford equalised through Andre Gray and then Will Hughes missed from a yard out. Worst miss we’ll see all season that one I think. It proved costly as West Ham’s new centre forward Sebastien Haller tapped in to get off the mark for the season. He added a second not long after to put the game beyond Watford. £45m he cost, which feels like a lot for a player most of us have never heard of, but I constantly have to check myself these days as £45m isn’t really much anymore for English clubs.
Javi Gracia is on thin ice as that Watford board don’t fuck about when they’re on a bad run. Hopefully he comes through it as I like him, he seems like a decent bloke.
Meanwhile, up in Sheffield, James Maddison’s beautiful pass with the outside of the foot set Vardy clear and he leathered the ball in with his left foot to give Leicester the lead against Sheff Utd. I loved that. As the ball hit the net you heard him shout “YES!!!” and then immediately cup his ears in front of the home end.
Vardy was a Sheff Wed fan as a kid so naturally he milked this one, especially as the home fans had booed his every touch prior to that. He was even taunting them on Twitter later, wishing Wednesday fans a good Bank Holiday weekend and posting a pic of his celebration and an Owl emoji.
It wasn’t the winner though, as Olly McBurnie headed the Blades level minutes after coming off the bench. I remember the first time I saw him. He was playing at Anfield for Swansea and I looked at him and said to my Dad “what the fuck is that?”. I still think that when I look at him now. He just doesn’t look like a footballer at all. They paid £20m for him, which again backs up my earlier point about how you don’t get much bang for your buck these days.
Another sub, Leicester’s Harvey Barnes, got the decisive goal with a stunning half volley from 16 yards. Great finish that, and Leicester have started well. I said at the end of last year they’d be top six this season and I’ve seen nothing to change my mind, either from them or from the Mancs, whose place they’ll be taking.
Chris Wilder wasn’t happy with his players afterwards. I liked what he had to say though. He didn’t want to patronised about how his side worked hard as he said “that should be a given, they don’t get praise for that”. The fans had clapped them off for giving it a go but Wilder wants more than just effort.
On Match of the Day Lineker referenced him giving the players the hairdryer treatment and then sarcastically asked Danny Murphy and Ian Wright if they’d ever had that. I really enjoy MOTD you know. You’re not getting the in depth tactical analysis you get from Carra and Neville on MNF, but it’s light and breezy and fun.
Some of the regulars are a bit dull (looking at you here, Jermaine Jenas), and Wrighty is probably my favourite of their regular rotation. Murphy is hit and miss but I’ll always have a soft spot for ‘SuperDan’ even when he’s talking absolute Zlatan. He was great talking about VAR last week I thought.
The opening 30 seconds of the show this week was superb. Last week Lineker had made a bald joke about Shearer and Murphy and there were actually some complaints made about it. Not sure whether these people were genuinely offended, or just wanted to be dicks about it. Not sure which would be worse actually.
Anyway, the show starts this week and once again Lineker is joined by a couple of baldies (Murphy and Wright) and he just reels off about 10 hair related puns in 30 seconds, all the while Murphy is chuckling and Wright is in absolute hysterics. Brilliant stuff and a massive ‘fuck you’ to the whoppers who complained. Bet it was fucking Guardiola, the weirdo.
There was another great moment later when Lineker says “Which legendary Palace striker scored twice the last time they won at Old Trafford?” Wright is sat there with a massive grin on his face as Lineker throws us the curveball and says “Yes, it was Mark Bright”. Wright should be on every week, he just makes it more fun.
There was a south coast derby at the Amex, where Florian Andone was sent off early on as Brighton lost at home to Southampton. Terrible tackle and Brighton’s manager apologised for it afterwards.
There was a clip from before the game where one of Andone’s team-mates bizarrely booted him on the ankle as they were walking out onto the pitch for a look around shortly after arriving at the stadium. He wasn’t happy and maybe he carried that irritation onto the field because it was a cunt of a challenge.
Djenepo curled in from 20 yards to break the deadlock. Lovely finish following a swift break led by Ings. Lokadia hit the post as Brighton pushed for an equaliser, but they were caught on the counter again in stoppage time as Redmond tapped in at the back post. Not really impressed with Southampton though.
Sunday was interesting, as Spurs were beaten at home by Newcastle and Bournemouth briefly threatened to give Man City a scare.
I don’t think anyone saw that Spurs defeat coming. Not because Spurs are playing well (they’ve been awful so far), but because Newcastle have been written off by everyone, particularly their own fans. Not that anyone can blame them.
Joelinton got the only goal of the game in the first half with a simple finish. The Spurs defenders just left him on his own. Terrible defending. Vertonghen has been on the bench up to now and you have to wonder just what Pochettino sees in that Davinson Sanchez lad, as I’m just not having him at all.
When Newcastle signed Joelinton I initially thought they’d bought some lad called Joe Linton and assumed he was a cut price deal from the lower leagues. It was only later I realised he was Brazilian and cost £40m. I really hope he’s shit just so that Ashley can use it as an excuse to never spend another penny. Not that he needs an excuse mind.
They defended well and battled hard for their win, but they rode their luck at times. Spurs missed some great chances and were denied a clear penalty when Lascielles fell over and brought down Kane late on. I can understand Mike Dean not being sure on first viewing, but how is that not being overturned by VAR? I’m not complaining as I’m happy Spurs lost, but that looked a ‘clear and obvious’ pen.
I’m pleased for Steve Bruce. I like him. I can’t help it, he’s just always come across as a decent fella. I still want them relegated, but it’s nothing personal against him.
Wolves haven’t started as well as many of us expected they would. Perhaps the Europa League is going to impact on their domestic form? Their opponents on Sunday know all about that. Burnley were dismal in the opening months of last season but they recovered in the second half of the campaign and they’ve started well this time.
I’m boring myself now telling you all how good Ashley Barnes is. He opened the scoring in this one with a brilliant strike from just outside the box, and he was inches away from slotting another just after the break. Hopefully we keep him quiet this weekend, as he’s the biggest threat to us for sure.
Wolves were seriously devoid of any real creativity but Jimenez went close to a stoppage time equaliser when his scuffed shot struck the post. Burnley must have thought they’d survived but then with only seconds to go Wolves were awarded a really soft penalty when Jimenez went down. He calmly slotted the pen to give them a third straight draw. They got out of jail in this one though as they were second best for much of it.
Finally, City beat Bournemouth, as expected. The only thing I have to say about this is that Harry Wilson scored a fucking screamer of a free-kick after coming on as a sub, which was nice.
Actually I have one more observation on this. Regular readers will know that I struggle to look at the TV when Ederson’s face is on there. He’s just really brutal to look at. Well anyway, he’s now got a skinhead which has made him even more gruesome. He looks like an inmate you’d see being interviewed on “Brazil’s toughest prisons”.
Wait, one more thing. Aguero did an interview afterwards in English. Fair play, it’s only taken him seven years to learn the basics. I thought I was lazy, but this guy really takes the piss. Kinell.
Right, so I said I’d make my predictions after three games and I will. It’s probably not really long enough to get a proper feel for it, especially with the newly promoted clubs who are still playing on adrenaline as it’s all new to them, but here goes anyway.
The title is between us and City, and obviously I’m going with us because how can I not?
The rest of the top four will be like a bunch of drunks scrapping outside a boozer at 2am. Arsenal might just be the soberest of them and could nick third spot. Fourth will be between Spurs and Chelsea, and I’ll go with Spurs to just edge it even though I don’t feel strongly about it and would not be surprised if Chelsea pipped them.
Leicester will get 6th spot ahead of United.
At the bottom, Sheffield United will go I think. The other spots will be between Villa, Newcastle, Watford, Palace, Brighton and Southampton. It could be any of them but I’ll say Villa and Watford, but reserve the right to change my mind and flip flop throughout the season as I usually do. I actually have a sneaky feeling it might be Southampton but I'm not willing to commit to that yet.
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