So that's it then. Another season in the books. It seems to go faster every year, like life in general really. Since I turned forty it's as though someone hit the fast forward button on life, much like me when the Mancs are on MOTD. I don't think I watched them even once this season except when they dropped points.
I might have to adopt the same policy for Spurs next season. Not because they're dull like United, but because I can't stand the fuckers.
Thanks for nothing Leicester. They scored four goals at Wembley and still managed to lose, the fucking gobshites. Puel is supposed to be a dour, defensive minded manager who plays dull football. The fact that Leicester are involved in a game like this shows just how little notice they're paying to what he's telling them.
Vardy headed them in front after four minutes but Danny Simpson’s clanger put Kane clean through to score. The keeper’s attempt at keeping it out was pathetic too. No idea where Schmeichel was but this loser who replaced him was fucking terrible.
Mahrez rifled Leicester ahead again and Gray should have made it 3-1 but was denied by Lloris. Spurs were all over the place and Iheanacho’s screamer put Leicester in the driving seat at 3-1. At this point we were looking good for third but they fucking bottled it. Lamela’s first league goal since the opening day of LAST SEASON got Spurs back in it, although it shouldn’t have counted as he was offside, the shit pretty boy twat.
Spurs levelled with one of the spawniest goals of the season that ended up flying in off Fuchs after a couple of other ricochets. It got worse for Leicester when Gray’s fuck up ended up with another tap in for Lamela but they came roaring back with a classic 'Mahrez to Vardy' goal to make it 4-4. That goal came about because Kane spurned the chance to square the ball and instead tried to go himself and lost the ball. He was so desperate to catch Mo he wasn't passing to anybody, the selfish cunt.
He did get another goal eventually (good one it was too) to finally kill off Leicester and secure third spot for Spurs. Their fans have been giving it the big ‘un on social media about how many times they’ve finished above us in the last ten years. Yeah congratulations of winning the ‘finishing above Liverpool cup’, when’s the parade? Fucking getting as bad as the blueshite these knobheads.
So in the end Spurs and United both finished above us, but the only people out there who think either of them are better than us are the most deluded of their fans. I always say goal difference is the real barometer of who the best teams are and the fact we were second in that backs it up. It sounds daft, but points can be a little misleading sometimes.
I mean, Spurs got two more points than us but it was a direct result of Fat Jon Moss and his busy cunt assistant. Other crucial decisions went against us too, which can account for anything between two and ten points depending how deep you want to delve. So yeah, points don't always tell the whole story but goal difference often does.
Hopefully next year we are able to deal with the extra workload better than we have this time and we can put both United and Spurs back in their boxes. It would be nice to mount a challenge to City too, but for that to happen they are going to need to come back to the pack a fair bit, as if they get 100 points again then fuggedaboudit. It won’t matter what we do then as there’s no way we’re going from 75 points to 100. We could get to 90, and if we do that and it’s still not enough then what can you do?
No-one had ever reached 100 points before, so let’s just hope this season was an outlier and we don’t see it happen again. At least not for a while. It’s funny really, if they’d finished on 98 points it would still have been a record but it wouldn’t have been as big a deal. They so nearly did too, as Southampton played really well and looked like they’d hang on for a point until Jesus popped up to win it deep, deep into stoppage time.
Hell of an achievement and although it’s lessened somewhat by the financial doping aspect of it, what they’ve done (and the way they’ve done it) this year has been historic. It’s an interesting debate as to whether 100 points is more of an achievement than Arsenal’s unbeaten season. The ‘Invincibles’ had 12 draws and finished with 10 points less than City, so I tend to lean towards the higher points total being the bigger deal, but I can see both sides of it.
Regardless, statistically at least City are the most dominant league champions of all time. No-one else has reached 100 points, or even got that close to it. Granted, I doubt anyone else has had so many opponents cower in the corner begging not to be hit, but that says more about the shithousery of those teams than it does anything negative about City, as it’s hardly their fault. Hopefully more teams will grow some balls for next season though or the same thing will happen again.
Huddersfield stood up to them last week and Southampton gave it a good go too. The pressure was off them as they just needed to avoid getting their pants pulled down by City to ensure their safety, although as Swansea failed to beat Stoke it wouldn’t have mattered if they’d conceded twenty.
Swansea losing at home to Stoke confirmed that they were well worthy of the drop. They went ahead early through Andy King but Stoke did them with a great counter attack when Shaqiri picked out Ndiaye and he lobbed Fabianski. Crouchy then stooped to head them in front and that’s how it finished. Shaqiri had a penalty saved by Fabianski, who shouldn’t have any trouble finding a new club as he’s been one of the four or five best keepers in the league this year I reckon.
Carvalhal is still just about hanging onto his job but could be sacked any moment. He blamed his predecessors for Swansea’s relegation, even though he took just three points from the last nine games. Lambert more or less said the same about Stoke, pointing out if they had more quality up front they’d have been ok, conveniently ignoring the league leading 68 they shipped at the other end. Football managers eh? Basically politicians in tracksuits.
The three worst teams definitely went down this year and none of them can say they were unlucky. Well, West Brom fans can feel a bit hard done by I suppose, as if they’d have given the job to Darren Moore instead of hiring ‘Slimer’ they would have at least had a fighting chance.
Ultimately, the bottom three were all shite and deserved to go. Truth is though, half the teams in the league would have been worthy of relegation this season. Every team outside the bottom six had a negative goal difference. That’s incredible, and a damning inditement of them all. Should be ashamed of themselves.
Burnley finished 7th having only scored 36 goals all season. They deserve credit for squeezing every last drop out of their season, but most of the others have been a joke this year. Everton were 8th with a goal difference of -14. If a team as bad as Everton are finishing 8th, the rest of the league must be fucking terrible.
Speaking of fucking terrible, Motson won an award at the Bafta’s last week. What a fucking joke. I hate the fawning over him just because he's somehow become regarded as 'national treasure'. David Attenborough is a national treasure. John Motson is whiny hysterical nerd in a sheepskin coat. Most boring man alive, and one of the most irritating. Fuck him, the shit bastard.
I’d like to celebrate the fact he won’t be polluting our airwaves again, but we all know he’ll resurface again at some point next season. He’ll be commentating on Watford v Burnley for Five Live or some shit, and we’ll have to go through the whole rigmarole of another form of 'retirement'.
Everton fans were fighting amongst themselves at West Ham. Losing to Moyes will do that.
Lanzini’s pea roller beat Pickford for the opener and Arnautovic hit a fucking belter to make it 2-0. Pickford’s attempt at keeping it out was embarrassing though. Not having him at all. Don’t care how many good saves he makes, he lets in a load of shit goals. Hope he plays in the World Cup and lets in ten.
Niasse showed good reactions in the box to pull a goal back but Lanzini curled one past Pickford (who got a weak hand to it) to wrap it up.
Has to be as bad a time to be a Blue as any. Their team stinks and we’re in a Champions League final. Imagine how they must be feeling. At least they don’t have to live with the fact Sam Allardyce is their manager anymore.
He actually took them from 16th to 8th but they hated him. The Blues have done the right thing fucking him off, but from his point of view he will say he’s been hard done by. Technically he’s got a point, but it’s all just a front as he wanted to get the sack anyway. He’s been trying to get the bullet ever since he secured they safety and this was the perfect outcome for him as he never wanted to stay there beyond this season. Why would he? What would be the point?
His whole career is stuck in a loop now. Take over a club with good players that are underachieving. Save them from relegation, get sacked with a big pay off, sit on the beach for a bit, go and do some BeinTV work with his boys Keyes and Gray and wait by the phone until some other desperate bastard panics in December and hires him.
Who will it be next season? It’s difficult because he’s running out of options now, as he's managed half the league and no-one ever wants to hire him a second time. So who are the likely candidates for his next rescue act? We can rule out West Ham, Palace, Everton and Newcastle right away, so that leaves Watford and Southampton as possibilities, but the most obvious one for has to be Leicester. Whether they keep Puel or appoint someone else, if they get off to a bad start next season Allardyce will be circling above them like a big fat vulture.
Moyes went too, despite West Ham finishing 13th and just two points off a top ten place. He didn’t do the terrible job I expected him to. I’d hesitate to say he did well, but he was kind of ok I suppose. He’ll get another job now as he’s restored his reputation a little after the disastrous job he did at Sunderland.
Rafa is being linked with the West Ham job now. Not sure what the benefit would be there. For one thing, he’d be swapping one cunt owner for two cunt owners. Also, West Ham fans are never happy with their manager no matter what they do. They want football played ‘the West Ham way’ and they want to be pushing for Europe.
Rafa isn’t going to do either of that and besides, he’s onto a good thing in the North East as the fans love him. If the team is struggling it’s because of skinflint Ashley, if they do alright it’s because Rafa is a genius. Why would he give that up? He’s got it made up there.
He ended his season a high as Newcastle comfortably beat Chelsea at St James’. Chelsea have been thinking about the cup final for weeks. Conte defo has anyway, just look at his team selections. He even gave Ross Rodwell a start in this one. I get it though. He knows they're getting rid of him, so why would he give a fuck about top four? He’ll want to win a cup as his swan song and hopefully he does.
Newcastle just wanted it a lot more than Chelsea did and that loser Ayoze Perez continued his end of season hot streak with two more goals. Dwight Gayle got the other one. After his hairband crimes he's now sporting a silly top knot. He’s such a weird looking fucker anyway, but at the moment he looks like an extra from Prisoner Cell Block H.
Palace ended with a win as my boy Wilf and Van Aanholt grabbed the goals to sink West Brom. Palace played nine games without Zaha and lost every one of them. Given that he’s almost certainly off next season, it could be bye bye Palace this time next year.
Burnley lost at home to Bournemouth despite taking the lead through Wood. King equalised and then Wilson won it in stoppage time. Bournemouth and their late goals, fucking hell.
Arsenal won in Wenger’s last game. Edging out a hungover Huddersfield side 1-0 thanks to a solitary strike by Aubamayeng. The Huddersfield fans ripped the piss out of the travelling Goon squad, singing “you two faced bastards, you wanted him out”. Arsenal hit back with a good one though. “He left coz you’re shit, Herbert Chapman, he left coz you’re shit”.
Tell you what, if Villa fans ever came up with anything that original and sharp they’d jizz all over themselves and explode from self satisfaction.
Huddersfield fans had a minutes applause for Wenger on 22 minutes, which was a nice touch. I think most fans around the country quite like old Arsene. I do too, I’ll miss him. It’s going to be weird seeing Arsenal with another manager. 22 years. Fucking hell. We probably won’t ever see that again.
Finally, the Mancs beat Watford 1-0 at Old Trafford in yet another snooze fest. Goes without saying I fast forwarded through the MOTD ‘highlights’ of it, and also skipped the tributes to Michael Carrick, who is retiring. I’ve got no particular beef with Carrick himself (he’s always seemed like a decent lad who conducts himself well), but he’s one of those players that knobheads buzz off to show they know more about footy than the average Joe. You know the type, the same fucking pretentious gobshites who’ll tell you that Busquets is more important to Barca than Messi. So fuck Michael Carrick and his footy hipster following, good riddance to him.
And that's almost it for the 2017/18 season, just the annual awards to get to and then we're done. So here goes...
Player of the Season
Obviously Mo. If it has to be a non-LFC player then it’s De Bruyne. Great player, sound lad.
Young Player of the Season
Leroy Sane.
Goal of the Season
Mo against Spurs, Mo against the Blueshite or any one of our boss counter attacking goals. Non-LFC I’ll go with Charlie Daniels against Man City, with honourable mentions to Southampton’s Boufal against West Brom, Vardy’s volley and Rooney’s goal from inside his own half.
Best Shit Player:
Ashley Barnes holds off a strong late challenge from Ryan Fraser.
Cunt of the Season:
Mourinho, but for once it wasn’t completely cut and dried. Credit to Harry Kane for giving me a decision to make.
Cunt of the Season not named Mourinho:
Harry Kane takes the crown from last year’s winner Under Herrera.
Biggest Overachievers:
Difficult to separate Huddersfield and Brighton. I’ll go with Huddersfield but it’s a coin flip really. Honourable mention to Burnley. If they hadn’t completely capitulated at Arsenal in the second to last game I might have even gone with them.
Biggest Underachievers:
Southampton should never have gone as close as they did to relegation.
The ‘My Boy’ of the Season Award:
Wilf Zaha
The ‘Still My Boy but must do better’ Award
Jason Puncheon holds off the strong challenges of Manolo Gabbiadini and Charlie Austin
Twats of the Season XI
Ederson: Shit tattooed, Mané shafting twat.
Hector Bellerin: Arsenal Fan TV disrespecting twat.
Ahmed Hegazi: Rib punching, behemoth twat.
Nicolas Otamendi: Team of the Year gatecrashing, over rated twat.
Ashley Young: Not quite as loathsome as he used to be, bird shit eating twat.
Ander Herrera: King Twat.
James McCarthy: Dirty, bitter, blag James McArthur twat
Erik Lamela: Diving, boy band looking twat.
Jesse Lingard: Ugly, shit celebrations twat
Dominic Calvert-Lewin: Diving, weird eyebrows twat.
Harry Kane: Lying, greedy, fame gone to his head, self absorbed, overly sensitive, ugly, big chinned slobbering twat.
Subs:
Fraser Forster: Bench warming twat.
Phil Jones: Gurning Warrington faced twat
Richarlison: Diving stupid faced twat
Marouane Fellaini: Elbowing twat.
Alexis Sanchez: Money grabbing twat.
Javier Hernandez: Still calling himself ‘Chicarito’ twat.
Paul Pogba: Style over substance twat.
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