Geoff Woade

1st world problems tonight but sums it up. She was cooking lamb and roast spuds for dinner tonight and decided to do the spuds in the actifry. So after a while she checks on the spuds and the arm that spins round has obliterated the spuds rather than caress them round while they golden as she swore they would do, against advice. There is much sulking followed by sending me to the shop for some oven chips. (Sulking includes cries of 'it's over,what's the fucking point of trying' and then taking to her bed) I'm not particularly bothered as I need to pick some beer but by the time everything is sorted there is about an hour and a half delay on original dinner time. I've not uttered one word of discontent by this point because it's Friday. While I'm at the shop I also pick up some Ben and Jerrys and a chocolate cake for after. So we eat dinner and she's goes 'oh, do us some cake and ice cream' Again, not a problem as I was going to do some anyway but when I go to dish it out the ice cream it's frozen solid so I leave it on the side for a few minutes while I wash up. About 5 minutes later she shouts 'do you need help with that ice cream or what' I pop my head round the door and say I'm just finishing clearing up and I'll do you a bowl. Fucking face screws up and she goes 'just fucking forget it, it's took too long now, I don't want any' (followed by slamming doors and what can only be described as aggressive facebooking / texting on her phone) Totally mental, I can just imagine if I'd moaned about her ruining the spuds. Won't be long before I'm challenging her to a cage match.

Is this the right place to moan that we got held up for about 20 minutes getting off a flight in the summer because they were letting Lampard and his Mrs off first as they didn't want the 'general public' bothering them. It still ranks in the top 10 highlights of my life that as the stewardess had her arm across holding us back from getting off I shouted 'NOBODY CARES' and I fucking know they heard it.

Joe Allen quite likes football but sometimes wonders whether he should have become a professional cricket player. Whenever he has self doubt issues he consoles himself by agreeing in the mirror that his rebellious beard would have been frowned upon by the founding members of the local cricket club. He then feels better and quickly rides his Segway sideways across the halls all the way to the west wing of his mansion to reassure his girlfriend that he isn't having any doubts about his chosen career and they can continue to live in opulent splendour.

Always interested how a team can spend millions on a player who is meant to be a striker because they are useless at anything else but they are also shite at finishing. It's not really Origi I'm just having a go at here. It's players like Borini and similar around the league. You are shocked when they score after being one on one with the keeper. It's like N'gog against the mancs in the last minute that time. I was stunned when he scored. people talked about the 'false 9' like its e new tactic but the truth probably was that the player they played up front probably carried more of a goal threat than whatever specialist striker was available.

London is shit. It's ghastly and the people there think the north is some undiscovered land that their taxes pour in to. The rent on a three bed bed semi is about 3 grand a month with the irony being I wouldn't live there if you paid me that. Alan Partridge called it exactly right "you'll either be disappointed or stabbed". Whenever I've had the misfortune of having to go there my first thought is always 'you cheeky bastards slagging off the north, this looks like some sort of end of world virus hit on my way down.

Somewhere, someone is currently taking JP's belt and shoelaces off him

Bad times last week. Woke up feeling ok but it hit me an hour later. Threw up so hard I followed through a little bit. And then had to put up with the moaning because I nicked the bath she'd just run for herself. Selfish.

He should be on gardening leave with the coaches in charge until someone else comes in. It's clear he's on his way, the waiting round is helping nobody and the players aren't going to play for a lame duck. It can't be good for him either knowing the club will be actively looking for his replacements while he's supposedly still in charge. I'm always shocked at the brass neck of managers like him and Hodgson. It's clear the vast, vast majority of fans want you out but still you come out with shitty soundbites about how there's no more pressure now and think the fans are still behind you. Either they are the most myopic people going or they just have it drummed into them by their agent that the pay off is all that matters so no matter what, don't deviate from the party line.

Cock Piss Rodgers.

It's not a slight dip in form though is it, or where we've just been unlucky? It's steaming piles of shite served up week after week and at great expense. For a long, long time. Let's be honest, over the last 3 and a bit seasons it's been more shite than good. And even when it was good we didn't win anything. If it looked like there was anything to grasp onto fair enough but it just gets worse and worse.

We are well middle class these days. 10am daughter's in baby ballet, then it's her birthday party complete with gluten and wheat free cake for the nippers with sensitive tummies (I hadn't even heard of gluten until I was in my 30's but apparently an intolerance to it is all the rage these days). Then in the afternoon its puddle ducks swimming lessons. There's nothing for it, we'll have to get a conservatory next. And if you think that's bad, spare a thought for my mate who sorrowfully told me the other day that one of his daughters now had a 'stage name' because his mrs has decided that said daughter is gifted at acting and destined to be a star. He used to be a right laugh but has given up on life.

Some people are missing the point and going 'oooooohhhhh, some cunts wants us to lose so Rodgers get sacked, what cunt fans they must be'. The fucking point is that most people now expect us to get beaten, at home, to Aston Villa. That's the problem, that's why most want him sacked.

Swings and fucking roundabouts........ And slides

You want to see the pictures of this cunt. He looks like he was bullied. I hope he was. A lot.

Could that report be any more depressing? 'You're stuck with him because 2 incompetent bellends say so, and even if he does go you aren't getting the man who's perfect for the job and would excite the fans because some other bellend doesn't like him'. I think some brown envelopes have been getting passed out yesterday as there are some real sop pieces in the papers today praising Rodgers and trying to remind us all about 13/14.

Got a few more to throw in here. Start with Jenson Botton, Jessica Ennis and Rory Mcilroy. For being in that fucking Santander advert. Mcilroy 'with my 123 account I get 1% back on my mobile phone bill'. Oh, fucking awesome Rory, my cup runneth over. One day now I'll be as rich as you if I keep saving that 30p a month, I'm sure it makes all the difference to your life. If I was having my house repossessed by Santander for being behind on my mortgage I would agree it was a good thing because they definitely need to keep paying these millionaires even more to appear in their wanky adverts. Bruce Forsyth - ghastly, although hopefully soon to be jetting off to a non extradition country never to be seen again. The way the audiences used to clap on the telly when he did one of his awful shuffles followed by his dreadful 'jokes' would have me recoiling in horror. Kanye West - I prefer Fred West.

Greg Rutherford - jumps in a sandpit for a living. Always seems to be on the radio moaning about how he isn't rich 'despite winning a gold medal at the 2012 Olympics'. Doesn't stop to consider that he's probably only good because only about 56 people in the world actually compete past having to do it at sports day in school and even less would pay to watch someone do it. It's a fucking filler that they use as a side show between the heats in running. As far as I'm concerned he's lucky to get a free tracksuit, never mind be 'set for life'

Yeah, well, you'd better wise up because he eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast!