Switzerland are the dullest national side in the world. They're not good, not bad, just middle of the road and painfully beige. They’re what Aston Vanilla were for years before Randy Lerner got his claws into them and turned them into the Cleveland Browns.
They reach every major tournament but can you remember anything at all they've ever done in any of them? You know they were there but what did they do? Can you recall just one moment that stands out? I can't. Not until now anyway. Shaqiri's overhead kick was stunning and it's the goal of the tournament for me. We’ll probably remember that for a few years so, in my world at least, Shaqiri is now officially the third most relevant thing to come out of Switzerland behind Martina Hingis and Toblerones.
All that said, they didn’t deserve to go out on Saturday as they were better than Poland. It wasn’t a great game and extra time was particularly garbage; two teams scared to lose and prepared to take their chances on pens. That happens far too often really. Extra time is invariably shite, but it's still the best available option.
The pens were all good except for one. Granit Xhaka hasn't even kicked a ball for Arsenal yet but already he's wilting under pressure and his penalty was woeful. He'll fit right in with the Gunners.
Poland have been alright so far but this is surely as far as they’re going. You can’t be even duller than Switzerland and progress past the last eight, although Greece will beg to differ I suppose.
Poland's defence has done well (the baldy lad is an imposing figure), the captain is a good player and the Dortmund fella on the right wing whose name I won’t even attempt to spell - let’s just call him “the Polish Milner” - has been very good. Lewandowski has been absolute Zlatan though. Zlatan Lewandowski.
Next up was the Battle of Britain. Wales wanted out of Europe and Northern Ireland wanted to stay in, so neither side got the result they wanted. The Green and White army gave it everything they had but it wasn’t quite enough. In terms of performance they have more to be pleased with than Wales, who didn’t do themselves justice at all.
It was an horrendous game totally devoid of any quality other than one wicked cross from Bale that saw the unfortunate McAuley put through his own net. In fairness to the old warhorse there was virtually nothing he could do, he was at full stretch and didn’t have the option of leaving it as Robson-Kanu would have had a tap in. Bale's cross was the only difference between the teams and as long as they have him Wales have a chance against anyone.
The game ended with Ashley Williams arguing with his own medical staff about whether he should come off or not. He flattened poor little Johnny Williams but landed awkwardly and did his own shoulder in. He should have gone off really but he was screaming “IT’S OK!!!” over and over and Coleman bottled out of subbing him, so Williams spent the last five minutes running around with one arm hanging limply by his side, like Pele in Escape to Victory. I'm sure that's not the first time Pele and ‘hanging limply’ have been used in the same sentence.
As the final game of the day started the first thing I thought was “What the fuck? Jose Fonte is Portuguese???” Surely I'm not the only one who was totally oblivious to that? I don’t even know what I thought he was, French maybe, but hearing he was starting for Portugal against Croatia was almost as big a shock as hearing God Save the Queen before Northern Ireland's first game.
That was actually the most interesting thing that happened all night. This game was even worse than Wales / N Ireland. You can understand the Irish toiling away and not being able to create much as they just don’t have the players. Portugal, however, have the self professed world’s best player in their side as well as a load of other highly rated stars.
Croatia have even more talent, yet neither side did anything whatsoever until fucking Quaresma popped up with a winner right at the end to rob us all of a penalty shoot out. Typical that, you sit through two hours of complete dogshit, consoling yourself with the prospect of penalties to at least prove some entertainment, and some nomark robs you of even that small crumb of comfort.
I can’t decide which one of these two teams I’m more pissed off with. Portugal’s approach to the game was disgraceful, they seemed to be playing for pens right from the start. Croatia showed more intent but not much more, and it didn’t translate into anything other than some wild, overly ambitious volleys from my boy Perisic. I'm not having that Mandzukic at all. Pure Zlatan him. Zlatan Mandzukic.
Perisic had the Croatian flag shaved into his head, complete with red dye. Usually I'd frown on that sort of thing but he's my boy so I need to give him a little leeway, even if he did look like a prize bellend. There's definitely double standards on this kind of thing in terms of race though. When a black lad, say Djibs or Balotelli, gets a mad haircut they look cool and interesting and no-one says shot about it. When a white fella does something similar he just looks like a complete arsecandle and we all take the piss. Its not necessarily fair but it's a fact of life. There are just some things you can’t pull off if you’re white. See Anthony Le Tallec and his blonde cornrows as exhibit A.
One thing I noticed during this one was that Croatia's other winger, Brosovic, is like a Diet Coke Perisic. Similar build, same running style, wears '14' instead of '4'. He defo wants to be Perisic him. He's the Kyle Naughton to Perisic's Kyle Walker.
The Spanish press actually linked us with Perisic this week. The problem we have is that Klopp had him at Dortmund but fell out with him and then sold him. Of course we could just solve that by getting rid of Klopp. Oh relax, I'm kidding.
Or am I?
Yeah I am.
Mostly.
Sunday now, and the Republic joined the North in bowing out of the tournament. They gave it a hell of a good go against France but predictably it ended in heroic failure. As usual though, the fans enjoyed themselves and made everybody they came into contact with extremely happy. They shouldn't have to qualify for tournaments, they should just be invited to them all really. They put smiles on peoples faces, so in future just let them take the Russians' place, or England's.
Brady put them ahead from the spot after Long had been fouled and they had other chances too before France turned it around in the 2nd half as the Irish began to tire. They’d only had three days rest since their last game and it showed. Maybe with another couple of days rest they could have held out, but we’ll never know.
Griezemann became the joint top scorer in the competition with a brace, while any hope of an Irish comeback ended when Shane Duffy was sent off. The margin of victory should have been much greater but thankfully it wasn’t, as that would have been cruel on the Irish who did themselves proud.
A minor gripe on this. France are wearing blue shorts and it’s pissing me off. Blue shirt, white shorts, red socks. THAT’S the France kit. Knock this shit off as it’s almost as irritating as some of the players wearing it.
Germany looked good in beating Slovakia. Bringing in Gomez for Gotze has removed that one glaring weakness they had as now they’ve got a penalty box striker to get on the end of the great approach play they produce. Gomez now has two goals in two starts, and should have been playing since the first game really. Five years ago I reckon I’d have been able to play in this German team, but I’m probably too old now unfortunately. I’m also technically English, which feels even more unfortunate.
Seriously though, any decent striker would fill his boots in this team, you only have to look at Klose’s success for years to see that. Yogi Low is really trying to clean up his act, bless him. It’s too much to ask him to go completely cold turkey and he’s still doing the arl ‘scratch and sniff’ routine, but to his credit he’s staying away from sack and crack and is just doing it with his armpit now. Baby steps.
Skrtel reverted back to type following his surprisingly great display against England. He wasn’t too bad overall but gave away a needless penalty which fortunately for him was missed by Ozil. Classic Skrtel and classic Arsenal.
On Sunday night Belgium ran out comfortable winners over Hungary in the end, but the game was in the balance for a long time until they ran away with it late on. That kid from Marseille got the nod ahead of Origi and Benteke to come on for Lukaku and scored within about 30 seconds to add to Alderweireld's early header. We might not see Divock again now this tournament, as this lad looks lively. Hazard and Carasco wrapped it up in the last few minutes with goals on the break.
Sick of people buzzing off Hazard though. So he had a great game, big fucking deal. He’s done fuck all in the previous three games, and I can’t be doing with so called ‘great’ players who only do it when they feel like. He’s the Belgian Coutinho and will probably disappear up his own arse against Wales at the weekend.
Belgium fans were singing that shitty ‘Don’t take me home” song that England and Wales have polluted the tournament with. I don’t know who’s responsible for it but it’s almost as annoying as the Will Grigg song. It’s so bad it even cancels out the awesomeness of their away kit.
I quite like that Adam Najog for Hungary. He’s young and hardly anybody has heard of him so no doubt he’s already on our transfer hit list.
Performance of the tournament so far came from the Italians on Monday as they dumped Spain out on their fancy dan little arses. Italy were fucking brilliant, they just did a proper number on Spain and but for De Gea’s heroics they’d have won by a couple more at least.
Chiellini has been player of the tournament so far but won’t get it because he’s a defender, while Pelle is great at what he does and has been the player that Ibrahimovic, Mandzukic and Lewandowski were billed as but couldn't live up to. Based on the rate of Southampton player inflation, if we enquired about him now his price would be pushing £100m, and I can’t wait to read about how the transfer committee wanted him two years ago but big bad Brendan back heeled it because he wanted to sign Lambert and Balotelli. How stupid do they think we are?
This is the best Italy side I think I’ve seen. They don’t have the best players but they’ve got a great balance about them. Defensively they’re as good as they always are, but they’ve looked dangerous on the counter attack too and if they score first they’ll take some stopping against anyone. I could see them getting found out if they conceded first and had to chase a game though.
Made up Spain are out though. They’ve got some right snidey bastards in that team but any shithousery they tried was met in kind by Italy. Unless you’re South American, you won’t out-shithouse Italy as they know every trick in the book themselves. Have to laugh at the irony of Spain’s best chance of the game coming from a long free kick by the keeper that was flicked on by one centre half to the other one, only for Buffon to keep it out.
The Golden Era for Spain is over now and they can go back to being the under-achieving bastards they always used to be.
Speaking of which…. England are out of Europe. Some people should be careful what they wish for. The Hodge did a Cameron and fell on his sword, although losing to Iceland is surely not as embarrassing as being beaten by Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage.
It all started so well for them too with an early penalty. The keeper defo fouled Sterling but he might have gotten away with it if he’d waved his arms about and then furiously accused Sterling of diving. Instead he just kind of gave himself up, which made the ref's mind up for him. Great pen by Rooney, which was the only thing he did right all night. The celebrations didn’t last long though as Iceland won a throw in from the kick off and then scored from it when Walker fell asleep and didn’t track his man. Probably should have picked Clyne, man of the match in your last game, eh Roy? And what's with dropping Lallana for Sterling?
I’ve been neutral as far as England go up to now, but I was probably 52% leaning towards Iceland for this one. When they equalised virtually straight from the kick off, I didn’t cheer or celebrate, I just giggled solidly for about a minute. When they took the lead I sniggered again, mostly at Joe Hart and his crisp bag hands, but I certainly didn’t go full on “Welsh player” and jump up and cheer (imagine the reaction had that been England players celebrating a goal against Wales - they’d be fucking hammered for it).
At that point I fully expected England to come back and win it and the players looked like they felt the same way for a while, as they kept playing football and didn’t panic. Then they got in at half time and whatever the Hodge said to them caused them to shit the bed big time in the second half. That and the absurd introduction of teacher's pet Wilshere. That was an utterly hopeless 45 minutes from England, the worst second half I've seen since the Reds in the Europa final. Iceland didn’t even have to do much to hold on for the win, it was easy for them in the end as England offered nothing at all.
We know these are all good players but this isn’t a well coached team and as a result when the pressure is on they can’t just relax and trust the system. Instead, you could visibly see the panic set in as the fear of a humiliating defeat took over. They knew this would be a loss they’d never live down and they looked fucking terrified. When the final whistle went I actually felt a bit sorry for them. Some of them anyway.
In contrast, Iceland are a well coached team and they’re playing with no fear. It’s easy for them to do that as there’s no pressure on them, whereas England’s players had all the pressure in the world on them.
What Iceland are doing is great though and I’m really enjoying it. I’d love to see them knock France off in the quarters, and I defo wouldn’t rule it out. I don’t feel like they’re getting the respect they deserve just because of how tiny their population is. Has anyone pointed out they have a smaller population than Leicester yet? What’s that you say? They have, thousands of times? Fuck me, if I had a quid for every time I’ve heard that comparison I’d have… a lot less value than I’d have had a week ago.
Clive Tyldesley was trying to compare Iceland with fucking San Marino! They qualified for the tournament by topping a group that had Holland and Turkey in it and they qualified for the knock out stages by finishing above Portugal and Austria. Have San Marino ever done that? No, so shut up you moron. Yes it’s an upset, yes it’s embarrassing for English football, but keep some perspective.
It’s not been a great few weeks for the Vardy lookalike, as he was blocked by Vardy on twitter and then warned by the agent to stop going around pretending he’s the Leicester striker. Looks like he had the last laugh though by kidnapping Vardy and going on the pitch in his place for the last half an hour. Actually maybe Rooney has got a lookalike too? He was fucking woeful, almost as bad as Harry Kane in fact. Kane definitely doesn’t have a lookalike, not unless someone invents a time machine to put Bruce Forsyth in.
Hodgson ‘resigned’ afterwards to give the illusion of doing the decent thing. Would he have done that if he still had two years left on his lucrative contract? Would he fuck. He was gone anyway and he knew it. So much so that he even had a resignation speech penned and ready to go straight after the game. When did he find the time to write that? Half time I reckon. It would certainly explain a lot. He probably asked the players for some help with it too.
So what now for England? Only one thing is certain; the players will have to listen to West Ham fans informing them next season that “you let your country down”. The likes of Stoke, Watford and other jabroni teams with no players involved will jump right on that bandwagon too, but it will be West Ham and their “we wan the fackin’ world cup” brigade who’ll be driving it.
For once Villa won’t be able to join in though, as you don’t get to taunt England players when you’re in the Championship, you fucking bums.
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