Babb'sBurstNad

Same here. For some reason we were regularly forced to watch that and Geordie Racer. Oh, and those bloody safety films about kids in flares climbing pylons and crossing railway lines.

No. I've watched Minder many times, and I reckon a male child would be no match for Terry McCann.

I heard he ate some dodgy undercooked meat, and now has parasites living in his stomach. They're going to cut into his abdomen and perform exploratory surgery. They're opening up a Can of worms. Apologies.

Al? He's never an Al.

I'm kinda feeling the same way. Having stuck in a good few hours on BF1, I'm now too acclimatised to the weight of the weapons and the grander scale. I know CoD's always been quicker, but this feels way too arcadey in comparison to the setting. I'm just not feeling the epic scale of the supposed battles.

I hope he's got one of those wooden bead seat covers in his car for his bad back.

I missed the hat auction too.

If it's anything like last year, there'll be a shitload of articles put out in December to tell everyone how happy Klopp is with the squad and not to expect anything.

Good man. Yep, down in Bridport, Dorset. Just a small market town affair, dogs in hats, people wearing oddities on their heads and general good humoured hattery. I came home with a new baker boy in Donegal tweed.

Up early to head off to the hat festival. Feels like Christmas morning!

Do I have to get rid of my half and half scarf now then?

Gauged against some recent windows, yes. Keita is a huge deal, will easily be our best midfielder and is just a smart piece of business all round. We've got an actual LB, and Salah means we'll be less reliant on Mané for pace. However, when measured against the pre-window renew your season tickets now PR offensive, and the final hurrah of "There's £175m there to be spent", no. It was the polar opposite of under promise and over deliver, compounded only by the holier than thou attitude of those who state that FSG themselves never promised anything, like they were disconnected to those hyped reports. We continue to have a problem at CB, and like last year when it was patently obvious what would happen when Mané went to the ACN, Klopp appears to underestimate just how quickly our season can fall to tatters with one key absentee. I like that Gomez is going to be given a chance, but ideally he'd be doing so alongside our best CB; the reality is he's more likely to feature when Matip is injured and we stick him next to either Lovren or Klavan. A potential recipe for disaster. Overall it feels a bit like a Rodgers window, where the manager goes for forwards / AMs, won't accept a plan B and begins the long arduous road to denying any problems with the defence whatsoever. Cue stats about clean sheets.

"Fucking hell lads, we're going to have to score loads to win today, Bertie's back in the defence"

If The Specials want another hit on their hands, they know what to do.

Meh, he turned down Chelsea so he can't be all bad. I'll give him until half time on his debut to score a hat trick before calling him a waste of money.

I doubt VvD will be waiting for us in January. He's all but sacrificed kittens to get his move and we've fucked it all up in every conceivable way.

But the toggles are the best part.

I'm still not sure about that duffle coat without toggles.

We've had three months since the end of the season to work on a transfer. Given the January window is open for only four weeks, I doubt we'll have finished sharpening our pencils by the 31st.

Pretty sure we can't register new players from Spain now, we can only sell to Spanish sides.

No, but our probity is off the charts.

Ah well, same time next year for the annual warchest spending that never materialises then fellas?

*clears throat* Cunts

The best part of this whole saga will be when he's finally available, either in January or next summer, and the club briefs journos to say we've moved on to other targets.

This is the way the window ends, not with a bang but a whimper.