razor

Inject him with cortisone / glue / heroin. With or without consent.

Good stuff, Dave. For me, Gakpo has really stepped up. His speciality is picking up the ball on the edge of the attacking third, turning and bursting forward through tight spaces. We need to use that better with the movement ahead of him. He can then install himself as the Bobby replacement, linking the last phase of attack. On your excellent point (made on the pod, too) about the "moment" the ball is played during a VAR check, this is absolutely crucial. If my memory is correct, there are 24 frames per second in digital video. If you filmed a foot kicking a ball, the "contact" will cover virtually all 24 frames - and sometimes more, depending on the type of strike. Now, when two people are running (sometimes in opposite directions, so, unscientifically "twice" the speed!) the offside line shifts massively in a split second. So, the moment the "pause" button is pressed is VITAL. Yet, pundits and journalists never seem to talk about it! There is an arbitrary "press pause there" mumbled by the VAR, and then the lines are the only thing that is analysed! But if a few frames are rewound of moved forward - the boot will still be in contact with the ball ("the moment the ball is played") yet the lines will be in completely different places. VAR is a shambles and it has had a detrimental effect on the sport. Lastly, I just wanted to mention that Alisson corner. My mate used to referee in a Christian league. He loved it. Yes it was physical and competitive, but when it came down to contentious decisions, it was so easy because nobody cheated - if you touched the ball last you admitted it. Sometimes they'd be so honest that there's be a disagreement: "Mate, I did touch it, it's a corner." / "No, you didn't, I did, it's a goal kick..." I couldn't help but think of that league when I saw Alisson touch that ball over. Everything about him wanted the ref to give a corner. So, I think almost subconsciously, he took the goal kick he never wanted to a daft place when our players weren't even in the right positions. I'm not saying he wanted it to result in a goal, but he was defo uncomfortable with gaining an unfair advantage and was prepared to conceded possession. His heart belongs to Jesus, and there's nothin we can do about it!

For real. Sorry. (Miss Jackson)

What next for Everton, "Barmy Army [clap, clap]"? Generic artificiality has finally come to Merseyside. Embarrassing, and a little bit saddening.

Prescience - I called this on Wednesday...

I'm not a massive fan, but I love this moment - Syd Barrett and (The?) Pink Floyd.

He wears bloomers. Hardly a term of affection / respect, that, mate!

Did you not run?

Without reading any of the post past the first line - I mean, I just can't.... - the answer is that our players take too long to get shots away, and also just hit it with little hope of the ball hitting the net. I believe Americans call it a Hail Mary? I don't need stats, I can see it every week. It's like someone has crunched a load of numbers and said, "For every 10 shots you take, one goes in" so they just tot up a total and hope for the best. A quite divisive forward of ours does this perpetually. In fact, two of them do.

Great podcast. I listened to it in two halves on different days, and the arc pretty much matched my own processing. That said, I thought I was low when I started it, but bloody hell, I wanted to take Paul out for a pint and a packet of crisps during that first 20 minutes! The anger and the acceptance were also in there, so in reply to the question, do people really want to listen to these unpacking-of-the-misery podcasts, honestly, yes we do. Personally, I find it cathartic, mate. As a final point, I was also duped by the romance of Barcelona: in a world of cynicism and commercialism, in 2008-12 or something like that, they seemed to be a glimmer of hope. I now hate Barca more than I hate Madrid, and that is saying something. It stems from the duplicitous outward-facing masquerade. "More than a club" - yeah, alright. Més que un club = masquerade.

We should get one of those text to speech voices to read this thread out. It should be set to "Morgan Freeman documentary" mode, and be read over the background music of "Ebony and Ivory" by Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney.

When he hit a purple patch recently we thought we'd got a player. He's gone off the boil at the worst possible time. People saying the assist wasn't good, though, are just cynical. He won an aerial ball in the box and put it into a dangerous area. Maybe he needs a rocket up him again - spend a bit of time as an impact sub. Also, I am still irritated that he hasn't learned better English by now. He's consistently divisive, I'll give him that.

His little reversed/angled balls into space for the player running beyond him are as good as ever. He's brilliant at that. But that right footed slice in the six yard box in the second half is more typical of his current form. It was poor. It was better than Nunez's awful slice, though, so there's no point in selling him. If he was out injured, there'd be a 50 page thread on here begging for updates on his comeback to the side.

Arsenal will put 6 past that Man Utd team, mate. We're not clawing that difference back. The truth is, they beat Sheffield by about 7 or something, they beat us, and they'll bury the mancs. I've changed my mind about them, and they will probably deserve to win it. Edit: confession about Arsenal - uncomfortable as it is.

Honestly, I've been wondering this - the sheer size of Klopp is one of his assets. In western cultures, like it or not, big people always have an advantage over smallies. (I'm a smally and I'm telling myself this is the reason I've never got to the top. For me, it's certainly more pertinent than my caustic personality, sallow social presence, poor dress dress and questionable personal hygiene.)

$175m - not to be sniffed at.

Late new wave. The Long Ryders - "Looking for Lewis and Clark"

You probably know it already, but there's a podcast dedicated to debunking Alex Jones' every utterance. To be fair, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. They just play a short clip of his latest syndicated radio show, then mock / abuse / disprove what he says in that clip before moving on to the next clip. It's called Knowledge Fight. Don't bother with the weekly episodes if you don't have time, but if you do have time to listen to one (maybe two!), episode 703 (and 704!) is brilliant. They uncovered the audio from Alex Jones' show on the day of 9/11. It's incredible. He gets his friend on who is a financial advisor who was in an adjacent building. He basically builds him up as an expert "structural engineer" as, probably as part of one of those mixed programme arts degrees, he'd done a course. I won't spoil it all, but when a "special guest" comes on it changes gear again. Spoiler alert: he blames 9/11 on the US Government. Then on Iraq. Then on Iran. Then on Osama Bin Laden. Then back on the US Government. Then on the EU.

That's not a smile, it's a grimace. He looks like he's permanently on the verge of bursting into tears. That's the inevitable outcome of the combination of an unfortunately framed face and a joyless existence. Part of me hopes he gets therapy, the other half hopes he repeatedly stands on an upturned plug.

Stones was missing, too to be fair. Repped for the cool traditional Norwegian dress. And Alfie Haaland looking like he's been asked to stand with a group of people he doesn't know and feels awkward around.

Everyone knows glasses make you cleverer. She's just signed up for an online doctoral degree. And a week in the garage.

My new dog has eaten both of our glasses this week. When we get new ones, I'll look forward to this, thanks.

The press conferences are going to be excruciating if they can't add a laughter track.

It's this type of bad news that's likely to set off the dormant BBBF thread on the MF.