Manny

Setanta are hopeless, but that is quite good. I don't mind that the impressions aren't quite spot on, somehow that makes it funnier.

It's the hope that kills you, and why they're just the anti-Christ of football clubs. You expect them to win, they're held for pretty much the whole match and at the end they sneak up and hit you with a sucker punch. I'm really not in the mood for the "they make their own luck" arguments. Can't we just all say "I hate the spawny cunts" in turn and be done with it?

This calls for a victory tune! Family Guy - Shipoopi - Video

If City signed Gerrard and/or Torres for over £100m, then we couldn't buy anyone. This is altering the market. Why would, say, Valencia sell us Villa for £35m when they know they could hold out for double that if City were interested? They'd know we'd have cash and ask us to double it. If we were expecting to rebuild some of the first team with top quality with the money we'd have to think again - City are inflating the top end of the market so the tiers below will follow suit.

What worries me is the statement it makes, as people have referenced above. City are now a pile of cash in a bloated game that is getting into a position where it needs more and more money when there is less of it about. They're not just breaking the world record transfer fee, they're more than doubling it. This sends out a "cash! Get it here! We've got more of it than sense!" message to any owner wanting to balance their books. I think this is what Burlusconi is doing anyway - he can rebuild his aging squad with this money - and I'm terrified George and/or Tom will be straight on the blower saying "take your pick." It's worrying. At the same time it's bloody mental. Who'd have thought the man who destroyed us before half time in Istanbul would be playing at Eastlands? I do feel a bit for some City fans (although not the gloating fuckers who appeared outside the stadium dancing around with teatowels on their heads the day the takeover was announced). Their club is moving to hyper-Chelsea standards where the sensationalism and the greed overshadows the football and the club.

He's a brilliant player and he scored 40-odd goals last season, just about single handedly winning them the title and the European Cup (apparently, I thought there was no final last year). The fact that he's less than half the man of the other two is irrelevant. It's not a personality contest. I'd like football to be a combination of the two but I don't see many people thesedays agreeing such is the obsession with instantaneous success, but I'm still glad we've got one of the best in the business who does combines talent with class. It gives me that extra bit of pride.

My dad used to say to me when I complained something wasn't fair when I was a teenager: "Life isn't fair son. If it was, God wouldn't have given you that face." I think he was joking, though it always was difficult to tell.

If Everton set themselves up for a draw, then we're in for a difficult couple of ties. If they think they've a good chance of beating us and open up a little, we'll win. Rafa doesn't care about ending their season or not, but I feel that a couple of good wins in such quick succession could be a massive confidence injection. I doubt we'll see the same team both times (though I suspect that's a given), but it'll be a strong one for both occasions I think to help us get that feel-good factor.

How it happened. "Clayton Blackmore's agent." "Hi there, Sky Sports News here. He's a bit strapped for cash at the moment isn't he?" "And then some." "In that case, we've got some work for him." "Careful now. He's not the brightest." "It's ok. We just need him to toe the party line. We're doing our old trick again, you know, the one where we get lots of folk to repeat the same old shite ad nauseum until the Great British Public accept it as fact." "Oh yeah, like telling everyone that football didn't exist before the Premiership." "Yes, that's a favourite of mine. Just tell him to slag Rafa Benitez off and explain that Sir Alex *swoons* is a psychologically gifted genius. He'll be fine."

We're doomed.

Lesson learned this weekend: if you ever say anything about Ferguson in public, you've lost it and you're turning into Keegan. He's not a master at mind games at all. He's just got an army of sycophants in the media telling everyone he is, and destroying anyone who attacks him. Rafa is right. The sooner the malignant cunt is out of football the better.

Anfield will rise as one and shout "Camarero". We'll then dance in the streets to La Cucaracha. I have a dream.

IF they sign Arshavin for 20m, it'll prove that Wenger does have good money to spend, so his youngun' signing spree was out of pigheadedness, not necessity. It also proves that he's steadily going bonkers, as the world and it's dog can see what Arsenal need, and it isn't Arshavin.

The concious, self respecting, honest citizen part of my brain is glad he's ok, which is what I tell people to sound respectable. The subconcious, cynical, angry and dark side of my brain wishes he'd broke his legs, because it'd assist our title challenge. The Ronaldo-hating part of my brain wishes he'd gone through the windscreen, because he's a big big cunt.

If he'd said "that drunken old bastard" instead of "Mr Ferguson" it would have been the perfect press conference. As it is, I'll award it 9.5/10.

Good work Rafa. I don't know whether this will "help" us and our referee against Stoke, but it'll certainly be on the mind of whoever is refereeing mancs v chelsea. Also, any contentious issues in that match refereeing-wise, this gives the media a frame of reference if he goes off on one. The media are probably too spineless to actually say "Are you providing us with an example of what Rafa Benitez was talking about on Friday?" but we can but hope!

Michael Johnson arrives at Upton Park for his medical.

Ah, I see. Derby were very good. they pressed them all over the pitch, generally made them look a bit flat and created many of the better openings. Some of this might be a motivation thing, Derby wanting it more, mancs expecting a stroll in the park etc, but Derby certainly impressed me. As someone's said above, Rob Hulse missed a sitter and I suspect 1-0 won't be enough to see Derby through. But hopefully managers and players will take note: if you press them and make them work hard you've got a chance. If you do all this and they don't take you seriously, you've got an even better one. The mancs get one more game for their first team in their heavy fixture schedule and hopefully Derby will get stuck in (come on Nige, let's see some non-League blood and thunder tackling in the second leg!)

Que?

I suspect, as cocky Demento said in his post match interview, that they'll beat them at the Toilet. But they're spared the luxury of playing a reserve team, which adds to their fixture clog. I also hope this will serve as an inspiration to the lesser teams of this league: United are well beatable if you show a bit of industry and some ambition.

Micah Richards has never been an amazing defender. He's pretty raw, but he has such phenomenal physical attributes he could dig himself out of trouble with a lung bursting sprint chase if he fucked up. He's definitely looked a yard off the pace this season - but then again he's been injured quite frequently which could have made a difference. He's ridiculously highly rated though, so his price tag is going to be obscene. I've heard a few of the Michael "George Best" Johnson rumours doing the rounds in Manchester. According to some more reliable sources, there's definitely some truth in there although again, injuries have definitely not helped. If the price was right, I'd take him in a shot. He's a very different central midfielder to what we have at the moment and I could see him blossoming into a Gerrard-esque attacking midfielder: a guy who's game combines the physical with the technical. I'd agree with RoboRiise though - I think he struggles being a self and media appointed big fish in a small pond. Maybe a move upwards would help him.

The whole Defoe return is a joke really - there's a truckload of revisionism going on. Spunking money on a player you deemed surplus to requirements several months ago, for a loss of 7m? And Defoe - frozen out at Tottenham last time round and deemed not good enough by their fans (IIRC) but he'll follow 'Appy 'Arry to the ends of the earth, such are his chirpy geezer man management abilities. Fucking Spurts - more money than fucking sense. Levy dips once again into his pot of unending gold.

Spurs doing the only thing they know how. Problems? Throw money at it. The whole Downing thing stinks, as does Redknapp's constant open speculation about who he's after. But, according to Levy, it's the nasty old big 4 who are the problem.

It just felt right to be honest. Robbie don't belong in any other shirt. He banged in a few goals, and gave everyone a bit of a lift. It was great.

That's it: endorsed by Old Toilet. We're putting in a title challenge.