Up until the Arsenal / Chelsea game on Wednesday night, the lack of quality in the games over Christmas had been glaring. That game was the exception but then both of those teams were playing on a bit more rest than those of us who had to play on New Years day, just 48 hours after also playing on Saturday.
Most of the games the week were truly terrible, especially our one at Burnley, but then most of Burnley’s games are like that even when they’ve had a week to prepare. I’m not advocating a winter break but we could probably do without one of the fixtures played in this period, or at least spread them out a little bit as two games in three days is clearly too much.
The same thing happened last year when we followed up a stunning performance against City by serving up a shit sandwich at the worst team in the league two days later.
The biggest shit sandwich over the festive period was definitely served up by Stoke at Stamford Bridge though, as Mark Hughes fielded a second string side and saw them thumped 5-0. His intentions were clear when he started Berahino, who hasn’t scored in about three years. Remember when he was hot property? He’s had a spectacular fall from grace, probably as spectacular as any I can remember. Oh wait, Franny Jeffers.
In fairness to Hughes, some of the changes were enforced and as he pointed out to anyone who would listen, loads of other managers made six or seven changes too. He figured that they’d probably lose at Chelsea no matter what, so he opted to keep his best players fresh for their home game with Newcastle two days later. That’s fine if you win the second game, but they didn’t and ol’ Sparky has had his tin hat on ever since.
Some would say that Hughes picking that team was not showing due respect to the teams competing for the top four with Chelsea, but I’ve got no problem with that at all as Stoke are shite and the only difference it made was they lost 5-0 instead of 2-0. He was perfectly entitled to do what he did because his only concern should be what’s best for Stoke as he doesn’t owe the rest of the league anything. Anyone who disagrees is obviously Neil Warnock.
Stoke were 2-0 down inside nine minutes as a Rudiger header and a beauty from Drinkwater put the Londoners in command. Pedro added a third after showing quick feet to make space for a shot that went right in the corner. Diouf had a goal wrongly disallowed and then Chelsea were awarded a dubious penalty to make it 4-0. Neither made any difference but Kevin Friend was clearly just making sure. He loves Chelsea that cunt. Zapacosta added a fifth in the last minute.
Can I just say at this point that this suggestion we should sign Jack Butland needs sacking right off? He’s ok, but no better than what we have. He’s nestled in the range between Forster and Pickford. Elsewhere, Brighton and Newcastle played out a goalless draw, but Swansea pulled off a surprise win at free falling Watford.
I hate Swansea’s new manager already. I don’t like his smug looking, Robert DeNiro in ‘Analyse This’ face, but mostly it’s because of his association with that Mendes parasite. I’d still prefer they got out out of the bottom three though because at least they play football, so I’m happy they won this one.
You know I said in the last round up how every week Watford send out some random fucker we’ve never seen before? Yeah they did it again. Some Peruvian lad this time. He scored too, to put them 1-0 up. They thought they’d added a second through some other fucker I’d never seen before, but that was disallowed for a phantom foul.
It was one of those classic ‘make up calls’, because seconds earlier the ref awarded a corner when there had been a clear foul by Okaka. Atkinson knew he’d blown that one so as soon as the corner was taken he blew his whistle. They say two wrongs don’t make a right, but in this case it did and you know what, I’d much rather a ref do this than be a stubborn fuck and not admit he was wrong.
Andre Gray missed a great chance late on, and Swansea equalised almost immediately when ‘Hot Shot Hamish’ headed down for Ayew to score from close range. I laugh every time I look at that McBurnie kid, as you’d swear he’s only out there because he won some sort of fan contest. Even when he went to join in the celebrations he just fell over flat on his face, bless him. Let's face it, he’s got future “my boy” written all over him.
Watford were devastated by that goal and the loss of two points. So much so that they allowed their heads to go completely and Narsingh scored a dramatic and hilarious winner in stoppage time.
Speaking of dramatic, hilarious late winners, how about Everton eh? How funny was that. Ryan Fraser - remember him? - had already scored once to put Bournemouth ahead, but Everton equalised through Gueye who had latched onto a surprisingly brilliant lay off by Niasse. Both sides had chances to win but then with seconds to go, Fraser cut inside and saw his shot take a wicked deflection and fly past Pickford. This time last year Fraser was the toast of Goodison after what he did against us, so there was something poetic about this.
I was on my way home from Anfield and had the Radio Merseyside phone in on the radio. The Blues weren’t happy at all and Fat Sam is already pissing them off. It was dead funny, not least one call that went like this:
Caller: “Hello? Crap that was!”
Host: “Ok, we understand emotions are running high but can you just mind your language for us?”
Caller: “Fucking disgrace!”
I could barely breathe, it was fucking hilarious. Tell you something else, Michael Keane has a really dopey, old fashioned face. If he wasn’t a professional footballer he could definitely be a dopey looking Shelby cousin in Peaky Blinders.
Meanwhile, Eddie Howe had his say on us signing Van Dijk, claiming we paid too much money for him. Not saying he’s wrong, but if I’d spent £50m on Nathan Ake, Jordon Ibe and Brad Smith I’d probably be keeping a low profile on any ‘value for money’ discussions. Just sayin’ like.
Another manager concerned by our spending saw his team held at home by Southampton. “Who will Mourinho blame for this?” was the question on everyone’s lips as full time approached. We didn’t have to wait long, his post match interview was a classic.
He’d clearly decided he was blaming the ref and he wasn’t going to wait to be asked about the specific decision that had angered him. No, he’d shoehorn it in regardless of what the first question was about:
Interviewer: “Jose, you must be disappointed about that result”
Mourinho: “Yes, but Craig (Pawson) should be disappointed too”
It was the same on the BBC:
Interviewer: “Jose, that must have been a frustrating 90 minutes for you?”
Mourinho: “Yes, especially ze minute when ze referee did not give ze penalty”
Fair play, that’s some impressive shoehorning, but as ever he’s showing selective judgement. Yes, they could have had a penalty (although it could have gone either way) but he failed to mention Ashley Young getting away with elbowing Tadic in the ribs and then forearm smashing Long in the jaw within the space of two seconds.
Young was banned for three games following the use of video evidence, so rather than complain about the 50-50 call he didn’t get, the whiny little cunt should be grateful that neither referee or linesman spotted the shithousery of his little pet, Ashley. Can’t decide who reeks of Mourinho more; Young, or that rat Herrera.
Some United fans booed Mourinho as he walked off the field. It’s starting to turn on him a year earlier than usual. Amusingly though, he gave his board the dreaded vote of confidence by describing reports that he would be sacked as ‘garbage’. His arrogance is matched only by his cuntery.
Burnley and Huddersfield ended 0-0, which will have surprised nobody. Burnley should have had a penalty though when Hendricks was caught by the keeper. The ref, one of those work experience clowns I’ve referenced before (Paul Tierney, apparently) clearly kept saying “no contact” yet he didn’t yellow card Hendricks.
Sean Dyche was fuming, probably more so at the inference that one of his players dived than the fact he didn’t get a penalty. “Diving?? DIVING??? We don’t have none of that foreign nonsense here at Brexit… I mean Burnley.”
Good result for Huddersfield though as its another point towards safety. Doesn’t really make much difference to Burnley as they’re not getting in the top six and they’ve got a bit of a cushion between them and 8th spot.
Gini’s half brother, Van La Parra, was involved in everything Huddersfield did. You couldn’t fail to notice him. He must get that from his mum’s side of the family.
Onto Sunday’s games now, and Man City’s unbeaten run looked to have come to an end when Palace were awarded a stoppage time penalty to win it, but Milivojevic shat himself and his weak penalty was saved by Ederson.
You might be surprised to know that I didn’t want Palace to score that penalty. Firstly, I want us to be the ones to beat City. And secondly, I didn’t want that run to come to an end like that, on an absolutely diabolical refereeing decision by Fat Jon Moss. I’ve got no time for City but that just didn’t feel right. My boy Zaha conned the ref for that penalty and justice was done when it was missed.
No wonder Benteke took one off that chump in stoppage time the other week. He obviously knew he was a bottler. Maybe Hodgson owes him an apology.
The closing stages of that game were fucking wild though. Not only was there the penalty miss but there were other chances for both teams and there was also the challenge from my boy J-Punch on De Bruyne that resulted in both players leaving the field on stretchers. Call me heartless, but my first thought was “great, no De Bruyne at Anfield next week”.
As it turns out there was fuck all wrong with the cunt. Poor old Puncheon though is done for the year apparently, which some will say is karma. To those people I would say…
Oh yeah, Jesus left the field in tears. Jesus wept. The baby Jesus. I’m here all week. Palace were really good though to be fair. It wasn’t a case of sitting back and parking the bus; they pressed high and got in City’s faces, and that’s what you need to do. Very few will attempt it because they’re so scared, but if you sit back you’re going to lose anyway so may as well go down swinging.
Speaking of which, West Brom are giving themselves a fighting chance now they’ve appointed my main man Pards. They had nothing about them at all under Pulis and were just drifting along aimlessly towards relegation. They may still go down, but they look different now - even if results aren’t showing it yet - and are at least having a go.
They got a decent point at home to Arsenal on Sunday despite falling behind to a deflected free-kick. Their equaliser came from the penalty spot and caused absolute murder, because frankly it was an appalling decision by Mike Dean, who has history with Arsenal. He’s their Howard Webb, if you like.
Wenger steamed into Dean's dressing room and told him to 'fuck off' apparently. It's weird, I just can't imagine him saying those words. I'd love to hear him say it as I reckon it'd sound hilarious. He also questioned Dean's impartiality and said that the official "sees what he wants to see". We've all been there, Arsene.
Jay Rodriguez just about buried the penalty, although he was incredibly lucky as it was just as shit as the one the Palace lad missed. They caught a massive break with that decision but don’t forget that West Brom were denied a blatant penalty in the previous meeting between these two teams, so what goes around comes around.
Wenger did his nut though and he hasn’t stopped going on about referees ever since. I agree with everything he says, but because he’s such a cryarse no-one really cares what he has to say. Wah wah wah oh shut up you moaning old woman. The decisions that go against ‘Nice Guy Eddie’ at Bournemouth and he never opens his mouth, but this fella has one go against him and drones on for a whole week about it.
Great result for us that though as it’s helped us to open up a little gap over them, particularly with them drawing against Chelsea too (I’ll get to that in a bit though).
It’s been a disjointed few days with games scattered around all over the place. There were a few on Monday, some on Tuesday, one on Wednesday and one on Thursday too. Not really sure how they worked out Tottenham and West Ham’s fixtures. They didn’t play at the weekend, they didn’t play on New Years’s day, but they had games on Tuesday and Thursday. Bizarre.
Let’s get Monday out of the way next. United had been on a really iffy run with four consecutive draws. Enter Everton, like a dose of Imodium to a fella with the shits, and just like that the winless run is over. I didn’t watch any of it but I’m told the Blues had a mosaic. Not sure what was on it, probably some sort of tribute to the number of titles United have won, knowing those sad, manc loving cunts. I have nothing more to say about this, such is my disgust.
Stoke failed to benefit from all their fresh legs as they were beaten at home by Newcastle, and to complete their embarrassment it was that Ayoze Perez loser who got the only goal of the game. Could have been worse, it could have been Joselu, the worst striker in the Premier League and a man who used to play for Stoke.
Stoke were actually the better side and should have won, but they didn’t win and the crowd are gunning for old ‘Useless’ now. Some of them even had little bits of A4 that they had hastily scribbled ‘Hughes Out’ on. He’s having none of it though. “Who else is going to do it? Who is better equipped than me?” he asked when quizzed if he could get them out of this mess.
This is great, he’s getting more and more agitated every week and I love it. Growing up he was one of the players I hated the most and that never really leaves you. Fuck you, Mark Hughes.
Vardy was missing but Leicester had a comfortable 3-0 win over Huddersfield anyway. Mahrez put them ahead with a superb volley. He then turned provider for Slimani to make it 2-0 with a deft finish. If we sell Coutinho then Mahrez would be high on my shopping list, but then he’d be high on my shopping list even if we didn’t sell Coutinho, because he’s fucking boss.
Albrighton made it 3-0 after good work by Slimani, who runs around like a drunken bull in a china shop but is actually a much better player than he looks.
Brighton v Bournemouth was surprisingly entertaining. Knockaert opened the scoring early doors but Steve Cook equalised against his former club and of course didn’t celebrate. Fucking loser.
Murray restored Brighton’s lead with a goal against his former side, and he did celebrate, which is no surprise as he’s a bad cunt. Not for celebrating, just in general. I can’t even remember why, I just know he is. I think it might be related to something he did against us when he was playing for Palace. I’m great at bearing grudges but terrible at remembering the cause of them. I must have my reasons though.
Bournemouth equalised with the kind of goal that needs to be watched with the Benny Hill theme tune playing full blast. I’m not even going to try and do it justice, it needs to be seen to be believed. Proper Keystone Cops stuff and a right kick in the balls for Brighton. In fairness Bournemouth deserved something from the game though.
Onto Tuesday, and City won again. *yawn* Watford managed to keep them out for a whole forty seconds before allowing Sterling the freedom of the six yard box for the kind of tap in he usually misses. 18 goals this season now. Kabasele then put through his own net and Watford were in danger of losing 6-0 to City for the second time this season. It never happened because like everybody else, City's players were fucked.
Lazarus De Bruyne made a miraculous recovery from being stretchered off with his leg in a splint two days earlier. What an absolute fanny he is, no wonder his bird left him for Courtois. He hit the bar with a free-kick but then Watford almost got back into it when Andre Gray went through one v one with the keeper only to hit it straight at him.
Aguero made it 3-0 despite being one of four City players clearly offside when the cross came in. Gray eventually tapped in a consolation for Watford, who should have had a penalty in stoppage time too, only for Lee Mason from Manchester to wave away the appeals.
The refs and linesmen struggled with their performances as much as the players did over this busy period, although some of them, like these losers, are just shit.
West Brom took it to Pardew’s old team West Ham and led through a deflected goal from James McLean, his first goal in 16 months. For the record, he’s a winger. Who hadn’t scored for 16 months. They ran out of steam though and West Ham started to get on top of them.
Big Andy Carroll headed in the most Big Andy Carroll goal ever to equalise and then won it in stoppage time with an outstanding finish on the run from a tight angle. Moyes’ smiling face afterwards is one of the most haunting images of the season so far. There are few things worse than seeing that creepy bastard enjoying himself. Some people don’t suit being happy, they look much more natural when they’re miserable. That’s Moyes that is. He should always look miserable.
Jake Livermore got into it with a fan afterwards and tried to get into the stands before being restrained by stewards. Not a good look for him, but then we found out the fan had taunted him about the death of his infant son. What an absolute cunt. Some people just don’t deserve to breath the same air as the rest of us. I mean what the fuck possesses someone to make a comment like that? West Ham have identified him so hopefully he’ll be banned for life and someone will give him a good shoeing.
It was a week for breaking droughts (not for Berahino though) as Shane Long finally scored his first goal in 11 months. Fuck me, that’s Ireland’s two best players who had gone 16 and 11 months respectively since scoring. How shit must they be? The Irish FA might want to start looking around the league again to see if anyone has Irish grandparents, because their homegrown talent couldn’t score in the Grafton. Robbie Keane must be doing cartwheels in his grave.
Long’s rare goal wasn’t enough to earn Southampton anything from the game though, as Palace came roaring back to win 2-1 with goals from McArthur and Milivojevic, who is better from 25 yards than he is from 12. The Long Pork Sausage is in trouble I think, but the Hodge has pretty much saved Palace already. Whisper it, but he’s done alright there.
Spurs won at Swansea as Llorente scored on his return to the Liberty. He started to celebrate too and then remembered where he was and stopped. He was offside too, so chalk another assist up to the officials who’ve been mostly fucking garbage this week. The same linesman who missed that missed an even more blatant one soon after but Llorente put this one over the bar.
Bobby Madley then got in on the act when he failed to give Davinson Sanchez a second yellow card after a clumsy foul. Worst ref in the league he is, which is some achievement. Like being the tallest giant or the fattest guy in the Everton dugout. Swansea really had a go and came close a few times before Alli finished them off late on.
Wednesday night saw an absolute cracker at the Emirates as Arsenal and Chelsea went at each other like Rocky and Apollo, just trading haymakers. It was a hell of a game and some were even saying it’s the best of the season so far. These same people were no doubt saying that after the Arsenal / United game, and then after the Arsenal / Liverpool game. That’s because those people are idiots and are too prone to living in the moment.
It was good though, really entertaining stuff. Arsenal are the only team that can rival us when it comes to box office. They’re rarely dull because like us, they never go out there thinking about not losing. They play to win so they’re exciting to watch. Plus their defence is shite, like ours.
They took the lead through Jack Wilshere, whose goal drought prior to this probably matched the combined total of the two Irish lads. Chelsea hit back with a dubious penalty won and converted by Hazard, and then Alonso’s neat finish gave them the lead before Bellerin levelled with a nice finish in stoppage time.
The drama wasn’t over though as Morata went clean through but fluffed his lines, and Zapacosta smacked the rebound against the bar. Morata missed loads of chances and had a real Jon Walters of an evening. Arsenal allowing that chance just seconds after they’d equalised though was the kind of mad shit that I thought only we did. Thoroughly unprofessional shit, but it makes for a hell of a show.
Finally, West Ham did us a favour by holding Spurs to a draw at Wembley. Obiang hit a screamer to give the Hammers the lead against the run of play, and although Son equalised with an equally brilliant strike, prompting thousands of wannabe lad bible style comedians to flood twitter with ‘what a hit Son’ gags, West Ham held out for a result that sees us end the festive fixtures with a three point lead over Spurs, who we face at Anfield in a few weeks.
Beat City and then Spurs and we're halfway towards securing that top four spot. Easier said than done like, especially when one of our best players is on strike for the second time in six months. Football eh?
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