Saturday was one of those nothing days when all the irrelevant sides faced off against each other. This is what happens when you’re in a title race and are no longer one of those bums with nothing worthwhile to fight for, Saturday night’s MOTD is pretty pointless. Saturday’s games all involved no hopers at the bottom fighting to stay up or those also rans fighting it out for the spots between 4th and 8th. I almost feel sorry for them, the poor insignificant bastards. Almost. I mean no-one felt sorry for us, did they?
Managerless Norwich absolutely pummelled Fulham at Craven Cottage yet somehow lost 1-0 as Rodallega got the only goal of the game. Fulham have been the worst team in the league by a mile this season but they might somehow stay up and are now just two points behind Norwich.
As a footnote to this, Wolf Van Winkel hasn’t scored since opening day, which means he’s nailed on to get one against us next Sunday. No-one comes to the rescue of strikers in need quite like we’ve done over the years.
West Brom had two big fuck off mascots lined up with their players during the minute’s silence for the 96 at the Hawthorns. That’s just wrong that is, I know there’s no harm meant but it just looks terrible. It’s meant to be a sombre, respectful moment and the players are all stood there, heads bowed, arm in arm, and you’ve got two dopes stood either end of the line in giant bird costumes. Come on West Brom, fucks sake.
Still, at least they kept quiet and paid their respects, unlike some Spurs fans who chanted ‘Always the victim’. Cant get my head around that, since when did Spurs have that kind of beef towards us? Obviously it was a tiny minority and you can’t judge a fan base on the antics of a handful of dickheads, but it still shocked me. I expected it from Chelsea, but Spurs? No, I didn’t expect that at all.
I didn’t expect them to come from 3-0 down to get a draw either. The Baggies are experts at throwing away leads late on, but this one has to really sting. A win here would have gone a long way to ensuring safety and they couldn’t have made a better start. Vydra put them ahead inside 30 seconds, Brunt volleyed them 2-0 up a couple of minutes later and it got even better when Adebayor then missed a pen.
Sherwood could have been forgiven for giving his striker a different kind of ‘hand salute’ than the one from a week ago, but he’s a bigger facking man than that. You know what he did? He laughed casually, pointed to his watch and shouted in the direction of the West Brom bench “still time, still time”. He’s the ultimate “irrational confidence guy” isn’t he? If Tim was as good as he thinks he is, we’d all be in trouble.
Even when Sessegnon made it 3-0 after half an hour I bet Tim still thought they’d win. As it was, he had to settle for a draw. Olsson put through his own net to give Spurs a glimmer of hope, Harry Kane headed them within one and then Eriksen grabbed a last gasp equaliser to break Albion hearts.
You know what Sherwood said afterwards? “This comeback was like Liverpool’s comeback in Istanbul. Fantastic.” No, I’m not winding you up, he really said that, word for word. He really believes it too I bet. I’ll ask again, how can anyone not like Tim Sherwood???
He also said “We thought Chiriches was pulled back for their third goal, but I’m trying to think of as many excuses as I can for our defending which was HORRENDOUS” Hahaha he’s fucking boss, if Spurs sack him I’m gonna be devastated. There’s been a Steve Kean sized hole in my affections that I haven’t been able to fill. Until now that is. I love Tim Sherwood, he’s ace.
As for West Brom, Pepe Mel is one of the most uninspiring fellas in the Premier League, he’s like a Spanish Roy Hodgson. Having said that, they were a bit unlucky against Spurs as they caught Aaron Lennon on the one good day he has every season and you can’t really game plan for that.
Moving on, and Sunderland’s woes continued with a home loss to Everton. They played really well according to my Mackem brother in law (who told me afterwards if they keep playing like this they’ll win us the title by taking points off City and Chelsea), but it wasn’t enough as ‘Captain Fuckup’ himself Wes Brown put through his own net for the only goal of the game. If he’s not getting sent off he’s scoring own goals, the shit baked bean looking loser. If, nay, when, Sunderland go down I’m blaming him and that other manc bum O’Shea.
Poor old Fabio has been like a thoroughbred racehorse this season, so good that the Premier League had to handicap him by having the likes of Brown, O’Shea and Altidore shoved in his saddlebags to slow him down.
Sunderland’s situation got a whole lot worse with Cardiff surprisingly winning at St Mary’s. Southampton dominated the game but couldn’t make the breakthrough and Cardiff won it with a great 2nd half strike from Juan Cala. Little known factoid, ‘Jaun Cala’ is actually Spanish for how scousers describe Ole Gunner Solskjaer. “Wanker, la”.
The Saints piled on the pressure but Marshall had another great game in goal and Cardiff held on. Fonte did his best to give away another daft pen but unlike Dzeko last week, Zaha opted to stay on his feet and try to score. He failed, obviously. How much did Ferguson pay for him? About the same as we ‘gambled’ on Sturridge I believe.
The worst thing about Cardiff winning a game is undoubtedly having to look at Solskjaer’s stupid smiling face. Hate listening to him talking about ‘de fansss and de ladsss’ too. Little fucking orc.
Arsenal and Hull didn’t have a league game at the weekend as they were involved in the FA Cup semi finals. Hull won a thriller against plucky League One Sheffield United, whilst Arsenal needed a late equaliser and then penalties to see off Championship side Wigan.
There was much piss taking at Arsenal’s expense over their celebrations afterwards, but a lot of it was over the top for me. Ok, they got through by the skin of their teeth against a side a division below them, but the bottom line is they reached a cup final, they’re entitled to celebrate. Should we not have celebrated when we needed pens to beat Birmingham in 2001 or Cardiff in 2012? What about when we needed a last gasp equaliser and penalties to beat Pompey in the FA Cup semis in 1992?
So no, I’m not going to take the piss out of Arsenal fans, or indeed the players, for being happy about beating Wigan and reaching the FA Cup semi final. I am, however, going to mock the shit out of them for the way they did it. All those years of listening to the smug, arrogant, ‘our shit don’t stink’ “Hooooooofffff” chants any time one of our defenders played any kind of pass that went more than six inches off the floor, and what did they do when they were trailing at Wembley to a fucking Championship side??? They went full on alehouse, that’s what they did.
Mertesacker camped out in the Wigan box and they launched cross after cross at him until eventually the big fucking lummox got on the end of one and equalised. Where’s your pretty football now Arsenal, eh? Eh? Hooooooooooooffffff!!!
Then of course you had the on pitch celebrations from the players. Be happy by all means, but at least act natural. In the NFL there’s an expression used for whenever a wide receiver makes an arse of himself after getting in the end zone. “act like you’ve been there before”. Wenger should have that phrase pinned up on the dressing room wall to stop his players making themselves look like wankers any time they win the kind of game that Arsenal are expected to win. Taking fucking selfies on the pitch again? Really? Still, I guess that is ‘natural’ behaviour when you’re a complete wanker, as most of the Arsenal squad seem to be.
Look, don’t get me wrong here, I don’t think there’s any malice in those Arsenal lads, I mean look at Giroud’s touching gesture to the families of the 96 after he scored against West Ham on Tuesday night, or Podolski putting out a tweet the other day about ‘remembering Hillsborough’ (he got caned by several Arsenal fans for that too, sadly). They aren’t complete twats like, say, most of the Chelsea squad. They are wankers though, but I mean that in the nicest possible way.
There’s a huge distinction between a twat and a wanker. A twat is someone like Mourinho or Terry for example, who when you look at them you can feel your anger rising and can’t help but spew out the words “look at that fucking twat there”. A wanker is someone like Scziezny or Podolski, who you look at, shake your head and say with a wry smile “look at that wanker!”.
In addition to twats and wankers, you also have cunts of course. One man who unquestionably comes into that category is Howard Webb, and he was involved in another contentious ‘non penalty’ decision as Palace entertained Villa at Selhurst. Bolasie had his heel clipped in the act of shooting and was sent sprawling right in front of the egghead official, who did what he always does and waved it away.
John Motson - a rare hybrid of twat and wanker, let’s call him a twanker - bizarrely stated in commentary: “did he stumble over his own foot? I don’t think it was a Villa contact that really made him go down” Fucking hell beeb, you’re still using our licence fee to keep this clueless old goat in sheepskin coats? Kill him. Kill him with fire!!
Webb would later give a penalty and then reverse his decision. Palace were furious but this time he was right for once, he only gave it because he thought the linesman had signalled for handball, but it turned out the liner was pointing to his chest and when he told Webb it wasn’t a pen he needed no second invitation to change his mind. Bet he was even more relieved than the Villa players.
Palace could have been forgiven for feeling sorry for themselves and allowing their heads to drop, but when you’ve got Jason Puncheon in your side though it’s like having an extra man, he’s just so fucking ace. My boy came up trumps once again with the only goal of the game. How many winning goals is that he’s scored for Pulis now? There’s a lot of talk of Pulis winning ‘manager of the year’. If that happened I’d hope he’d have the good grace to thank J-Punch in his acceptance piece, as he’s won at least five or six games single handedly, the fucking superstar. Only the post denied him a second goal in this one too.
He’s probably the only non-LFC player worthy of making the shortlist for Player of the Year. He;s the single b ingest threat remaining to our title hopes, I just hope he goes easy on us when we play them.
Paul Ince was on MOTD and was asked about what the secret of Palace’s good results has been, as his lad is there now of course (not getting much playing time though). He said “It’s the togetherness, the spirit, there’s no stars there”. YOU WHAT??? Well it’s easy to see why he’s been such a failure in management. ‘No stars’ he says!! Three words Incey: Jason. Fucking. Puncheon. What makes his oversight even worse is that he managed ‘the Knockout Punch’ when he was at MK Dons so should know as well as anyone that the guy is a phenom. If Ince hadn’t sold him then he might still be there managing MK Dons, in the Premier League. ‘No stars’, he says. Kinell.
Finally on Saturday, Newcastle’s piss poor run continued as they lost at Stoke. The only shock there is that it was just a one goal defeat. The goal was a complete fluke too; an overhit cross by Pieters. At least he had the self awareness to not really celebrate it, I can only imagine what an Arsenal player would have done in the same situation. Probably had an oil painting commissioned to commemorate the occasion.
Pieters just look a bit sheepish, although it could have just been that he’s forgotten what to do as he hadn’t found the net since 2008. That’s even longer than Shola Ameobi’s goal drought. At least I think it is, I could be wrong.
Newcastle’s fans unveiled a ‘Pardew Out’ banner. Yeah, good luck with that boys, that fifteen year contract he signed has bought him a fair bit of job security I reckon. That and the incriminating photos he has of Mike Ashley.
Hang on, did the Mancs play? I don't think they did, but with no-one even being arsed about them anymore it's possible they slipped under the radar. I assume they must have been due to play Hull.
Onto Sunday now, and it was certainly a case of the cart full of horse shit rolling up after the Lord Mayor’s Show, as Chelsea bored their way to a 1-0 win over ten man Swansea following our pulsating clash with City in the early game. They really are boring, negative, shit bastards aren’t they? It’s almost unforgivable that a team with all their attacking talent plays the way they do, Mourinho should be getting hammered for it but instead he’s lauded as some fucking genius.
Swansea were all over them until Chico Flores got two bookings in a minute. In that situation the ref has to show a bit more common sense, the second one especially was just a foul, it didn’t need a yellow. Mongo was in Dowd’s ear and Dowd told him “I’m thinking about it John” before pulling out his card.
"I just said 'that's a second yellow'. Fair play to Phil. It was a big decision to make and he made the right one” said the huge fodded goon. "I'm speaking as a Chelsea player, but I think everyone would say it was a second yellow." Well I’m speaking as a football fan, and I think everyone would say you’re a massive fucking cunt.
Leaving aside the fact that Chico is a bad snide and probably deserved a red card, if only for putting highlights in his newly cropped hair (which along with his facial hair makes him look like a member of a ‘Village People’ tribute act), it was just incredibly harsh from Dowd and made Swansea’s task almost impossible.
Yet even with ten men Swansea still created as many chances as Chelsea. In the end, Demba Ba was the hero for the second time in a week as his shot squirmed through Vorm to give Chelsea the points. Not bad for a Joe Average eh? I’ve said it before, but this narrative about Chelsea’s strikers that has been spoon fed to people by that turd Mourinho is just complete bollocks.
80% of the league would love to have any of Eto’o, Torres or Ba to call upon, hell even Matic said “People who say Chelsea don’t have any good strikers know nothing about football”. I wouldn’t go that far, Mourinho obviously knows a lot about football. Matic probably should have said, “People who say Chelsea don’t have any good strikers are looking to blame others for their own shortcomings”.
That Portuguese shit kicker refused to do any interviews afterwards and also fucked off down the tunnel without shaking the hand of Steve the Pirate. You stay classy, you scruffy prick.
Pellegrini had said prior to those games on Sunday that “it would be terrible for football if those bus parking cockney cunts won the title ahead of City or the Mighty Reds”. Ok, I’m paraphrasing there, but only a little (he may have said ‘awful’ rather than ‘terrible’). He’s right though, I don’t think I could cope if Chelsea somehow ended up winning the title you know. If City won it I’d obviously be gutted because it would mean we had thrown it away, but if Chelsea did it I honestly don’t know how I’d be able to live with that.
Remember a few months back when I said that it gravely offended me how Spurs were within three points of us because they’re not fit to breathe the same air as our team? Well I feel the same way about Chelsea, we’re fucking miles better than them but it’s all going to come down to that one game at Anfield. The idea that a referee’s decision may be the difference between us winning it and Mourinho spawning his way to another title is just too much to even contemplate. We need to win this thing, not just for ourselves but also for football. Fuck Chelsea, the lowlife twats.
Moving on to the midweek games, and as I mentioned earlier, Giroud scored as Arsenal came from behind to beat West Ham. I really don’t care what happens with 4th place, I’ll be more than happy to see either Arsenal or Everton miss out, I just hope it goes to the last day as that means the Blues may have taken points off City and helped us out. If they get fourth, good for them. I’m not rooting for it though, fuck that. What will be will be.
They’ve made it harder for themselves by losing at home to Palace. Prior to that shock loss the Blues had won seven on the bounce, but they hadn’t come up against my boy J-Punch in any of those games. He made Everton his bitch, scoring one and making one as Palace won 3-2. We should buy him, imagine the carnage he’d wreak if he had Suarez, Sturridge, Sterling and Coutinho up there with him instead of Bolasie and Jerome.
Some Blues didn’t handle their first loss in months particularly well and decided to vent their anger at Sylvain Distin on twitter. He wasn’t having it though and fired back some barbs of his own, including this classic:
Random Angry Blue: fuken leg it distin u give your all mate but your not good enough
Distin: maybe not mate but you can't afford better at the minute so stop moaning kid
Hahahaha I like this new Distin far better than the fucking doormat who walked around Wembley with his “my bad” hands in the air apology. You tell em big fella!
Meanwhile, over at the Etihad!!! *deep breath* Woooooooooo! *Ric Flair strut*
How great was that? It would have been even better had Big Vito not thrown one in to allow City to equalise of course, but a draw was still a seriously unexpected bonus for us wasn’t it? It wasn’t a fluke either, they had so many chances they deserved at least a point. Poyet said afterwards “I am sure Luis Suarez is happy tonight. One less team”. Haha he loves Luis doesn’t he, his team talk was probably “come on lads, let’s do Luis and his mates a favour tonight and take something from these feckers”. Hendo was there in the crowd cheering them on too.
Big Vito though, bloody hell that looked suspicious didn’t it? Wonder if his bosses were running a book on the game? Made him an offer he couldn't refuse and that. If they did, I bet Vito got a nice little taste after that, y’know, wet his beak a little. He best not pull that shit at the Bridge this weekend or I’ll make sure he sleeps with the fishes.
I mentioned earlier that when we beat City at the weekend my mackem brother-in-law text me and said: “It’s the Sunderland connection - Mig, Hendo and Pascoe. We’ll take points off City and beat Chelsea for you next week and you’ll be Champions”. I won’t even tell you what I replied, but if I could take it back I would. Sorry about that Sunderland. Haway the lads!!!
Now go and beat those plastic flag waving, minutes silence ruining, helmet worshipping chav bell ends for us.
Imagine if Borini got the winner. Kinell.
Dave
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