So I said last week that Everton would get something against City. Most of you thought I was mad but the truth is they almost did. At 1-1 they were giving as good as they got and Mina missed a couple of really good chances with free headers from corners. Then what happened? I’ll tell you what happened. Jordan fucking Pickford happened.
One of the biggest mysteries in football is that no-one ever seems to talk about how shit this fella is. I feel like I’m on an island all by myself here. Every week I see the goals Everton are conceding, and every week I’m saying “Pickford was shite there”. Yet somehow he’s still got a good reputation and isn’t viewed as the absolute calamity that he is.
Why is that? I can only assume it’s because in between the fuck ups he does make some brilliant saves and he’s got a sledgehammer left foot. He's like an Aldi version of Ederson only without the vomit inducing face and neck tattoos. The main reason he escapes scrutiny is because he plays for a team that literally nobody other their own fans gives a shit about. You can make mistake after mistake when playing for a non-entity like Everton, as it barely gets noticed, probably because they’re usually on last on MOTD when most people have gone to bed.
He’s shit though, and City won this game because he let in a soft free-kick from Mahrez. If Everton had a half decent keeper then we’d have extended our lead at the top, but more importantly I’d have been able to lord it over all of you this week. Thanks ‘neighbours’. Thanks for nothing.
Walcott started the game but went off after a few minutes when the ball hit him on the head and he went off on a stretcher. Bit a fanny isn’t he? Big Virg took one full in the face the other week and barely flinched, but Walcott gets one on the head from Sterling (who isn’t exactly known for power) and he ends up in fucking hospital. Most pointless player in the world.
The Blues fell behind when they gave De Bruyne the freedom of Goodison to pick a cross. That only ever ends up in one outcome. Have they never seen hm play before? When he crosses it there’s virtually nothing you can do, so it’s probably not a good idea to give him ten yards of space on the right hand side to whip it across. Some things you can see even without a UEFA coaching licence.
I almost switched off at that point as I thought Everton would collapse, but then Calvert-Lewin equalised when he stole a goal from Coleman. He headed it in from on the line and Coleman wasn’t amused. He was either pissed off at him nicking the goal, or (more likely) because he thought it was going to be ruled out by VAR. Calvert-Lewin did look offside initially and Coleman didn’t celebrate the goal because of that. Instead he said something to the young striker, probably along the lines of “if that gets disallowed coz of you being a greedy twat, I’ll fucking kill you”.
At 1-1 it could have gone either way but Pickford’s failure to deal with a routine free-kick proved decisive. Even at 1-2 the Blues had their chances but they couldn’t take any of them and Sterling finished them off late on (again, look at the state of Pickford on that though).
The two take aways i have from this are that Everton actually gave it a go against City and looked like they wanted to win. Even the crowd were up for it for once and I have no complaints on that front. I knew they’d have a go this time though, that’s why I tipped them to get something. They badly needed a result and on the balance of play they deserved one. They didn’t get it because their finishing wasn’t up to scratch and their keeper has arms like a toddler.
The second take away is that City gave up eight shots on target, which is the most anyone had against them in four years. They’re vulnerable right now and I just hope someone can take advantage of that before they rectify the issues they’re having and go on one of those mad winning runs in the second half of the season.
Sadly they’ve got Wolves this weekend, and they’ve been pure Zlatan so far this season so I’m not holding out any hope there. You never know though, I guess.
Next up, Spurs. Fucking hell. What’s going on there? They did win at the weekend but given the other results they’ve had of late I’d say that reflects really badly on Southampton. If you can’t beat Spurs at the moment, especially when they’re playing with ten men, then you need to have a long hard look at yourself.
Either side of this one Spurs lost to Colchester and were humiliated by Bayern. All things considered, this was a terrible result for Southampton.
Ndombele broke the deadlock and Aurier did a piss take ‘VAR check’ celebration. The smile was soon wiped off his face when he was sent off for two quick yellow cards. What a train wreck he is. Terrible full back. He’s on the wrong side so often he may as well be Boris Johnson. Spurs sold Trippier because they thought this clown could replace him. Madness.
Lloris then gifted Southampton an equaliser when he tried a Cruyff turn on his own goal-line and Ings caught him out. You know how I’m always going nuts about keepers who take more than touch when Vardy is within twenty yards of them, because to me it shows that they mustn’t ever pay attention to what opposition players are doing? Well it applies almost as much with Ings. He’s not as dangerous at closing people down as Vardy but he’s up there with anyone else and Lloris has to know he can't take liberties with him.
Lloris is prone to this kind of thing though. He makes half a dozen massive blunders every season. In between those he is a sensational keeper and he pulled off some great saves in this one to sort of redeem himself. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to fully redeem an error like that though.
To Spurs’ credit, or to Southampton’s shame, they retook the lead when Kane finished off a counter attack. The Saints pushed hard for an equaliser but Lloris kept them at bay and Spurs held on. There’s something not right there though, they seem to have lost whatever it was that made them so difficult to play against and half the team seem to want out. Still, they’ve won the “best stadium” title so at least they have that.
Elsewhere, Chelsea just about took care of Brighton at Stamford Bridge. They had to wait until five minutes into the second half to make the breakthrough when Mount nicked the ball off a dawdling defender and was brought down. Jorginho converted the pen and Willian added a second via a deflection.
Brighton had hit the bar when it was only 1-0 but overall they didn’t do much and Chelsea were well worth the win. Should have been four or five really, and you have to wonder why the fuck Brighton are trying to play out from the back when their defence is full of cart horses. Like trying to make an omelette when all you have are potatoes.
Bournemouth and West Ham was a good game. Yarmolenko’s impressive turn and shot put the Hammers ahead but King equalised in contentious circumstances when his goal was initially ruled out for offside but was then overturned by VAR. Morally he was offside as the only point he was ever onside is the split second before the ball was played to him, and even then he was only on by millimetres.
Callum Wilson fired the home side in front and Ake thought he’d made it 3-1 but Solanke was adjudged to have been offside and interfering with play. Probably was the right call but I’d be pissed off if I was a Bournemouth fan because we’ll definitely see goals like that given between now and May. Cresswell fired home to get West Ham a point and a draw was probably fair overall.
Final note from this one. Pellegrini looked like he’d borrowed his blue suit from Trigger off Only Fools and Horses. Fair play. I like to think he kept calling Mark Noble 'Dave' all day.
Villa thought they’d taken the lead when McGinn fired home but VAR had other ideas. They did score soon after when El Ghazi finished well from a right wing cross, but substitute Jay Rodriguez headed Burnley level.
McGinn then volleyed Villa ahead once more. I like him, tidy player, if he didn’t play for Villa he might even be in contention for a ‘my boy’ title, but he does play for Villa so that ain't happening.
Wood headed in from close range to deny Villa again. Don’t ever let those fuckers walk your dog, because they just can’t hold onto a lead. Every week they score first but they never win. Good.
Finally on this one, the absolute fucking state of Jack Grealish. With his sunbed tan, waxed legs and soft cunt’s haircut. I ahe him, but not as much as my mum does. She REALLY hates him, for mostly the same sort of reasons she hates Lallana.
Staying in the Midlands, and Wolves scored a lovely team goal to take the lead against hapless Watford. Doherty finished it off but it was great football and Wolves looked much more like last season’s team. It’s easy to look good playing Watford though. They might be the worst team in the league currently. They’re so bad they’re even resorting to picking Danny Welbeck. Talk about desperate.
Janmaat’s own goal finally ended Watford’s faint resistance and gave Wolves their first win of the season. The one plus for them so far this season has been Traore, who is finally starting to add a bit of quality to the pace he’s always had. He's a handful.
Norwich’s away day woes continued as they were beaten at Palace. They started the game with their second choice keeper and ended it with their their third. How spawny are Palace? If they aren’t playing against ten men they’re faced with a 30 something keeper who looks like he’s been dragged out of the local pub.
The opener came from a penalty (of course it did) and was converted by Milavojevic (of course it was) before Townsend wrapped it up in stoppage time after great work by Zaha. Can’t believe how many points Palace have got considering how shit they’ve been. It’ll catch up with them soon.
As for Norwich, they need to shape up away from home as they did virtually nothing in this one. They do have a shitload of players out at the moment though to be fair.
Sunday now, and Leicester won again to remain third in the table. Ricardo’s brilliant solo effort broke the deadlock and Newcastle’s already futile looking task was made even harder when Hayden was sent off. He won the ball but caught the man with his follow through. Great tackle back in the day, obvious red card under the current rules.
Vardy made it 2-0 with a trademark Vardy goal, running onto a ball in behind and lashing in a low shot. Keeper should have had it though. Dummett then deflected a cross past his own keeper to make it 3-0. Unfortunate, but fuck him. He was diving all over the place at Anfield the other week. He's one of those players I have a beef with and don't really know why.
Vardy headed in from close range to make it four and Ndidi made it five in stoppage time. Leicester were great, Newcastle were terrible. Steve Bruce accused his players of a lack of fight. They're in the bottom three and will be there or thereabouts all season by the looks of it.
Other than Man City, Leicester is the toughest game we could have at the moment so this Saturday will be a test. If it was away I’d be very concerned, but as it’s at Anfield I’m only mildly concerned. They’re good though, unlike the two fucking bums who were involved in a stinker of a game on Monday Night Football.
I was quite looking forward to that United / Arsenal game as neither of them are relevant to us at the moment so I could watch it without any stress and it didn’t matter who won. I actually turned it off at half time though because it was pretty much unwatchable. I was offended by how bad it was.
It was weird because them both being so bad should have made me want to watch just for the comedy value, yet for some reason I was getting angry and frustrated about the ineptness of it all. The standard of play was like League Two and it was doing my head in. Genuinely fucking dreadful and it was just mistake after mistake, shit pass after shit pass. Like two drunks having a scrap outside the Rubber Soul at 3am.
These two teams are fucking shite. Really shite. Arsenal were less shite, but they couldn’t make that count because they’re Arsenal. United could have fielded their u18 side and Arsenal still wouldn’t have won, because they’re Arsenal and they can't win away against any of the big six, even when they're as piss poor as United.
If we don't win at Old Trafford in a couple of weeks, we probably never will.
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