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Premier League Round Up (Sep 14-16 2019)

Chelsea looked really good at the weekend, but I wonder how much of that was down to Wolves being shite? Without taking anything away from Lampard’s side, they did lose at home to Valencia in midweek so that suggests that Saturday’s win says as much about Wolves as it does Chelsea.

 

That being said, Abraham was brilliant and Mount looked good again. Another youngster also got on the scoresheet too as Tomori opened the scoring with a brilliant 30 yarder. Three England u21 players scoring in the same game for a top six side? That’s a Henry Winter wet dream that is.

 

Lampard has claimed that Abraham would have been playing even if Chelsea hadn’t been banned from buying anybody. Bit presumptuous that. Since when have Chelsea managers had any say in transfers?

 

Mount and Abraham are getting their chance because Chelsea can’t buy anybody. Not only that, Lampard is getting his chance for the exact same reason, as no top manager would have taken the job under those circumstances. Long term though it might work to their advantage because there are other kids coming through there that we haven’t even seen yet. 

 

Chelsea raced into a 4-0 lead at Molyneux as Abraham utterly humiliated poor Conor Coady on his way to a hat-trick. Wolves pulled a couple back but Mount went through to score and give the scoreline a more accurate look.

 

Wolves are in full ‘Burnley last season’ mode now. They’ve gone from being solid and hard to beat to leaking goals all over the shop and they just don’t look like the same team. Unfortunately they’ll probably turn it around the way Burnley did, but the longer they stay near the bottom the better because their fans are the absolute worst “banter merchants” you’ll find. Ok, second worst. No-one is taking that crown from Villa any time soon.

 

Elsewhere on Saturday, Spurs battered Palace as our old mate ‘big Mama’ had himself an absolute fucking dog of an afternoon. He was so, so bad. Just so slow and shit. Can’t believe I used to think he was good you know. Just makes me cringe any time I think about it.

 

Spurs started like a runaway train and Palace just couldn’t cope. Son bagged two, Aurier had a shot deflected in off a defender and Lamela added a fourth from a glorious cross by Kane. Probably should have been more, but as so often happens when a team races into such an early lead they end up easing off and settling for what they have. 

 

You know what makes me sad? Seeing what Christian Benteke has become. He had a chance late on and his shot barely even reached the keeper. I just feel bad for the guy. I liked him when he was here. He wasn’t good enough but that wasn’t his fault and he seemed to be a likeable fella. Before he signed for us he was Belgium’s number one striker but now he’s scoring one goal a season and embarrassing himself on a weekly basis. Just shows you how important confidence is for a player. I hope he turns it around.

 

Palace are dreadful and I can’t get over how high they are in the form chart. Genuinely baffling as it feels as though they lose every week. I think it’s because even when they win it’s usually 1-0 thanks to a late goal against ten men or some shit. They’re a terrible team and they might get relegated. 

 

Speaking of terrible teams, there was an upset at Old Trafford were struggling United edged out Leicester thanks to a Marcus Rashford penalty. They seem to be getting pens every fucking week and it’s annoying. This one was soft as shite. They’ve actually had much clearer ones waved away this season.

 

Leicester had a couple of efforts well saved by De Gea but overall they didn’t play well. They should be looking at this as a big missed opportunity. United had several players out injured and Leicester have a better team anyway. They shit the bed though.

 

And maybe this is just me, but seeing Brendan writing in his stupid little notepad with his stubby little fingers really annoys me. I don’t even think he’s taking proper notes, he just thinks it looks cool. He probably seen Rinus Michels or Cesar Minotti doing it back in the day and thought “I’ll have a bit of that”. He’s the Derek Trotter of football managers. 

 

Interesting footnote on this. Soyuncu, the lad who has taken Maguire’s place at Leicester looks like someone I’d create on FIFA. Honestly, that’s exactly the look I go for when making custom players. The hair, the build, the white wristband on one wrist, the plain black boots… he ticks every box. No idea if he’s any good or not but I’m rooting for him to do well.

 

Southampton’s Djenepo scored a superb solo goal to win the game for the Saints at Bramall Lane. He’s shown some flashes in the first few weeks and might be worth keeping an eye on. This will probably win goal of the month.

 

Sheffield United should have had a penalty when Ward-Prowse handled in the box and they were even more aggrieved when Billy Sharp was sent off. 

 

Chris Wilder magnanimously said that was the right decision but fuck me, if that’s worthy of a sending off then what’s the point? He unintentionally kicked the lad. He wasn’t going over the ball with his studs, he kicked him on the shin with the end of his toe. Never a red card that. 

 

Maupay put Brighton ahead at home to Burnley but Hendrick equalised with a 20 yarder in stoppage time. Brighton look better than they did last year but they just aren’t getting the job done at home.

 

Apparently that Maupay cost them £20m from Brentford. I still can’t get used to those kind of numbers for players I’ve never heard of, but when you think about it that’s probably just the going rate for a good Championship standard player nowadays. Mad.

 

Not as mad as Norwich beating Man City though. That was genuinely one of the biggest upsets we’ve seen in recent years. Not just because it was a newly promoted side beating the Champions, but because they did it with eight players missing. They actually had two keepers on the bench because they had no-one else fit.

 

Nobody gave Norwich a hope, yet this wasn’t a fluke. They deserved it. They played with a swagger and weren’t scared. They were the same at Anfield. I know they got hammered in the end, but they weren’t frightened to play through our high press and they did the same to City.

 

Whereas Spurs got a draw with City that was daylight robbery, this was a fair result. That draw with Spurs was the time City had dropped points since January, so for Norwich to not only beat them, but to do it without it being a complete freak result is an incredible achievement for them.

 

I’ve been banging the Norwich drum since I saw them on Anfield on opening night, but for all their great attacking play they were looking ropey as fuck in defence. Not in this game though. They defended superbly and they had a gameplan that allowed them to take advantage of City’s biggest weakness - the centre of defence.

 

City’s defence is shite and will always crack under pressure, but hardly anybody puts that theory to the test because City are so good with the ball that’s it really hard to apply any sustained pressure to them. Even top sides find it difficult to pressure them, but maybe that’s going to change this season? Let’s fucking hope so.

 

It was interesting that Norwich took the lead from a corner. It was a similar goal to the one Lucas Moura bagged against City and set-pieces is definitely a weakness for them. Close to 60% of all the goals they’ve let in over the past year or so have been from set-pieces, which makes sense and they’ve got virtually no height in the side, especially now that Kompany has gone and Laporte is out.

 

At the time I didn’t know Norwich were leading because I’d already decided it was an easy City win and I wasn’t wasting any time following it. I got in the car and put the radio on to see how it was going, and almost immediately Norwich scored. I thought that must have been 1-0 and I didn’t get too excited for the same reason I didn’t panic when Newcastle scored first against us earlier in the day. I knew we’d come back and I expected City would too. 

 

Then I found out it was actually 2-0. Ok, that changes everything. Suddenly I’m thinking that even if Norwich can’t keep them out they might still hold on to take a couple of points off them, which is almost as good from our point of view as it would be two more points dropped. 

 

It was still early enough that I wouldn’t have been shocked if City had come back and won, but I dunno, I just think that them going behind by two goals hardly ever happens and I don’t think they’re as battle tested as we are. 1-0 is nothing, but at 2-0 I thought they were in trouble as they aren’t used to dealing with that.

 

We’ve dug ourselves out of plenty of holes over the past year or two but City usually have things so easy that when they are faced with adversity they aren’t as well equipped to deal with it. Plus, I was thinking that if they can concede two then they could easily concede another, and that would really take a lot of coming back from.

 

The way City conceded that second goal should give the rest of the league plenty of encouragement. Otamendi went wandering, Stones tried to play offside but Kyle Walker had dropped in to track a runner. The end result was my boy Pukki running clear and then playing a beautifully disguised ball across the box for Cantwell to tap in. Great goal.

 

Now, if Norwich could just get to half time with the two goal lead then…. ah fuck off. They conceded just before half time when they left Aguero all alone in the box. I stopped following it at that point and decided to just check back in at full time. 

 

I thought that goal right on half time would kill them and City would grind them into submission after the break. They might have if they didn’t have the Chuckle Brothers in the middle of the back four. 

 

Pukki had just missed a good chance after Otamendi and Stones got into a mess, but from the resulting goal-kick the Argentine dawdled on the ball and was robbed by Buendia (who looks every inch a Klopp type player). He squared for Pukki and just like that, 3-1. Oooooof!

 

There was still plenty of time left but Norwich coped fairly easily until Tim Krul (who had otherwise played well) let a Rodri shot from distance squirm past him with a couple of minutes left. City threw the kitchen sink at Norwich after that but they couldn’t find an equaliser.

 

The game might put a chink in the armour. Too many sides are beaten before they start but maybe now that Norwich have done this it will give others hope, especially when City’s defence is looking this vulnerable.

 

Otamendi is shite. Always has been. One of the biggest scandals in recent years was when this turd made the Premier League Team of the Year a couple of seasons back. I’ll never get over that, it offended my football intelligence as much as anything I can ever remember. I know Pogba got in it last year, but this was worse.

 

Every time I see Otamendi play he’s either giving away a goal or picking up stupid yellow and red cards. The best way to describe him is that he’s like Dejan Lovren on a bad day, only he’s like that all the fucking time.

 

They’ve lost Stones for a few weeks now too, which leaves them down to the bare bones with only Otamendi and Fernandinho to call on. If those two are playing when we face them in a few weeks then we have to take advantage of that opportunity.

 

Guardiola is clever though. He’ll have a plan to keep the opposition as far away from their defenders as possible. They might have 90% possession in their next couple of games against Watford and Everton. 

 

Speaking of Watford, they sacked Javi Gracia and brought back Quique Sanchez Flores. What’s next, sacking him and bringing back Marco Silva? Such a weird move. All their managers are the same aren’t they? They start off like a house on fire and then it fizzle out. And as soon as they hit a bad patch, it’s adios.

 

They started really well against Arsenal but somehow found themselves 2-0 down at half time, despite dominating the game. Arsenal were shite but they’ve got enough quality up top to put the lesser teams to the sword. That’s why I think they’ll make the top four despite their glaring flaws.

 

Aubameyeng’s opener was class, although it shouldn’t have stood as there was a foul on Hughes in the build up. VAR looked and VAR did what it’s done all season. It backed the referee. Waste of time. VAR is as pointless as Theo Walcott.

 

Aubameyang got his second when he tapped in after Ozil and Maitland-Niles had combined well and Arsenal were cruising. It would’ve been easy for Watford to let their heads down given the shitty run they’ve been on, but to their credit they absolutely pummelled Arsenal in the second half. 

 

What the fuck were Arsenal doing though? Constantly playing out from the back when they don’t have the players to do it. Watford were just sitting there waiting for them and then picking them off at will.

 

The first goal was just unforgivable really. They were fucking about in their own box and Socratis passed it straight to Deulefeu, allowing Cleverly to score. Comical. All these teams trying to play like Man City when they don’t have Man City calibre players. Teams like Arsenal and… errr, Man City.

 

Watford equalised from the spot when David Luiz had a David Luiz moment and left a leg out to bring down Pereyra just inside the box. Pereyra picked himself up to convert the pen and complete the comeback. 

 

Deulefeu was inches away from winning it and Doucoure missed a great chance with the last kick of the game. Fair play to Watford, hopefully this gives them confidence to have a go at City this weekend.

 

Everton’s away day blues continued as they crashed to a 3-1 loss at Bournemouth. Not a happy hunting ground for them that, but then where is? Before the game I was on Twitter and saw Moise Kean and Dominic Calvert-Lewin both trending. I clicked to see what it was all about, and it was just a load of angry blues kicking off that Kean wasn’t starting and that “DCL” was.

 

Fair enough, he is shite like. His England youth strike partner Dom Solanke started for Bournemouth, which is quite interesting when you think about where they both are now in their development. These lads were u19 world champions and among the best players on the planet in their age group, but look at them now. Just shows you how those youth tournaments mean fuck all really when it comes to predicting who will make it and who won’t.

 

Callum Wilson put Bournemouth ahead but Calvert-Lewin levelled with a goal that shouldn’t have stood as he was climbing all over the defender. VAR though. Enough said.

 

My boy Ryan Fraser came off the bench to replace our boy Harry Wilson and his free-kick was deflected into his own net by Delph. Callum Wilson then ran clear to bag his second of the game and that was that. Another away defeat for Everton.

 

Without doubt the best bit in this game was Delph losing his shit and yelling at his new team-mates “everyone is fucking shit”. Never has the phrase “you’re not in Kansas anymore Dorothy” been appropriate. Well, except when it was actually used to tell Dorothy that she wasn’t in Kansas anymore, but other than that.

 

 

 

Who the fuck does Delph think he is though? He was a token home grown player at City, otherwise they wouldn’t have looked twice at him. He was just an outfield Scott Carson. Everton is his level but he’s giving it the big ‘un because his new team-mates aren’t at the level of De Bruyne, Silva and Aguero. What a cunt. 

 

Last and very much least. West Ham drew 0-0 at Villa on Monday night. I didn’t watch it and I don’t really care about anything that happened so I got nothin’ else for you I’m afraid.

Edited by tlw content


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'Last and very much least. West Ham drew 0-0 at Villa on Monday night. I didn’t watch it and I don’t really care about anything that happened so I got nothin’ else for you I’m afraid.'

 

Mega lols. 

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11 hours ago, tlw content said:

Lampard has claimed that Abraham would have been playing even if Chelsea hadn’t been banned from buying anybody. Bit presumptuous that. Since when have Chelsea managers had any say in transfers?

Fat chance (pun intended). I recall Klopp saying that Trent would not have received the opportunities he did but for injuries. He's confident enough in his own methods to admit to being the beneficiary of luck when it happens. For Frank and his over-promoted ilk, all successes are part of the plan and only failures are down to luck, or the lack of it.

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Oh Davey, you played some blinders in this one.

 

Hotly-contested first prize for Dorothy and Kansas. Absolute quality strike. 

 

Honorable mentions for:

Man City trying to play like, erm, Man City. 

The Theo Walcott snipe.

Otamende and Dejan Lovren. 

 

There are probably other candidates for top ten quips in there but I can't be bothered looking. Or, for that matter, even finishing this sente

 

X

 

 

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By the by Tammy Abraham (real name Kevin) was always going to get some games this season.  He's the main reason Villa got into the Premiership (25 goals in 37 last season) so he was bound to be given a chance - and he's probably exceeded all expectations.

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5 hours ago, dave u said:

"Real name Kevin" hahahahaha I just looked that up and it's true. I had no idea.

 

From now on in these round ups, he's Kevin Abraham.

We Need to Talk About Kevin 

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On 23/09/2019 at 13:42, dave u said:

"Real name Kevin" hahahahaha I just looked that up and it's true. I had no idea.

 

From now on in these round ups, he's Kevin Abraham.

Why in the name of fuck would you choose Tammy over Kevin?

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