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Premier League Round Up (May 22 2022)

Given the situation we were in and the drama and emotion of it all, I didn’t even catch up on most of the other results until the day after. I wasn’t looking forward to Match of the Day because I knew I’d have to skip through our game and City’s game due to them doing that thing where they show both at the same time so you can see “how it unfolded” Fuck. That.

 

Other than what happened with us, it was a decent enough final day in which most results went the way I’d want them to. In fact, if Aston Villa weren’t so…. well, Aston Villa… this would have been the absolutely perfect day. No top four for Arsenal, Leeds saved themselves (I’m glad, most of you probably aren’t!), Everton got battered, United lost yet again. The only slight blemish was West Ham didn’t win and push the Mancs down into the Europa Conference where they deserve to be. How have they finished above West Ham? That European run really torpedoed the Hammers' league campaign didn’t it?

 

I’ll start at the bottom with Burnley and Leeds. I strongly fancied Burnley to stay up because they were at home to Newcastle while Leeds had to travel to Brentford. Newcastle had nothing to play for, whereas Brentford were looking for payback on Leeds because of a video that circulated after Leeds beat them in the playoffs a couple of years ago. 

 

The Leeds players were singing about Thomas Frank and Brentford had been waiting for their chance at payback. My boy Ivan Toney tweeted it out a few weeks ago so you know Brentford were relishing the chance to put Leeds back in the Championship. So yeah, advantage Burnley I thought.

 

Leeds had a kid making his debut in midfield and Gelhardt leading the line as my boy Bamford was still not ready to return. I didn’t like their chances of beating Brentford at all so fair play to them. It wouldn’t have mattered what Leeds did if Burnley had won though, but they shit the bed completely.

 

The first goal they gave away was unbelievable. Nathan Collins just punched the ball off the head of a Newcastle player. Not one of those, hand above the head inadvertent handballs either. He deliberately did it. It was like watching a kids game when the ball comes within range of the hand and they can’t help but instinctively reach out and touch it. Wilson buried the pen and Burnley never really recovered.

 

Burnley got relegated because Ben Mee got injured. It’s that simple I think. If he’d been available during the run in they’d have been fine. That Collins is terrible, I have no idea where they found him but they should send him back there. Unless it was the Championship, in which he’s headed back there anyway.

 

As this was happening, Leeds thought they’d taken the lead with a smart finish by Gelhardt. He had just strayed offside though. They did eventually go ahead when Raphinha won and converted a pen.

 

Things got worse for Burnley as Wilson added a second to make it 2-0 but Cornet pulled one back to give them hope and when Sergi Canos brilliantly headed Brentford level with 12 minutes to go it was game on. Especially as Canos was booked for taking his shirt off and then picked up another one minutes later for a foul. That’s why if I was a manager I’d fine any player who takes off their shirt unless it’s right at the end of the game. It's fucking stupid and serves no purpose.

 

The situation was on a knife edge now and Weghorst was inches away from scoring the goal that - at that moment at least - would have saved Burnley. Cork had an effort cleared off the line too as the Clarets threw the kitchen sink at Newcastle.

 

A goal then would have been enough, but then Harrison won it for Leeds with a deflected shot that found the bottom corner, sparking wild scenes of celebration in the away end. Bye bye Burnley then.

 

You know what always shocks me? Hearing Ashley Barnes talk in his southern accent. He’s got Burnley stamped through him like a stick of rock and I always expect a Lancashire accent when he speaks. Then he’s all “yeah up the apples and pairs, guv’nor”. Freaks me out. 

 

After Everton stayed up I didn’t really care who went down and had it been Leeds and not Burnley I wouldn’t have been arsed in the least. Yet when I heard they’d stayed up, and I then saw the video of Jesse Marsch huddling with his players in the dressing room afterwards, I have to admit I felt pleased for them. I feel no joy at Burnley going down though.

 

I know loads of people can’t stand Burnley and I get it. Yet I think there’s something endearing about a club like that managing to come up and hang around for as long as they have without spending any cash. I also feel bad for them because of the ownership situation. It’s staggering that kind of leveraged buy out shit is still happening. The Premier League are just complete fucking cunts aren’t they?

 

So I take no pleasure in Burnley’s demise but Leeds just bring more to the table. They’re fun to watch, even after Bielsa. I was critical of the decision to not let him see out the season and I didn’t think Marsch would be able to make any noticeable difference. He has though, I got that one badly wrong as they were clearly not getting out of it with Bielsa in charge.

 

Right from Marsch’s first game in charge Leeds just looked like a more solid, organised unit. They lost that game (at Leicester) but you could see they weren’t going to be conceding six or seven every other week under the new guy. And they haven’t. They’ve been much more competitive while still playing attacking football with great energy. 

 

Marsch is always going to get the Ted Lasso jibes and he won’t get the respect he deserves because, let’s face it, when Americans talk about footy it just doesn’t sound right and is a lot like when Brits talk about the NFL. Even if they really know their stuff it’s hard to take seriously because it sounds funny hearing an Englishman talking about “offense” and “de-fense” and “route trees”. It’s the same when an American is using footy terms. It shouldn’t be, but it just is. It sounds unnatural.

 

But Jesse Marsch knows his shit and he’s performed a mini miracle keeping them up, especially with all of the injuries Leeds have had to deal with. They’ll be fine next season I think. There’ll be no relegation battle for them. Can Everton say the same? Can they fuck.

 

The only thing that I took solace in last week when they secured their Premier League status is that I’m sure they’ll be even worse next year. They’ve gotten away with all of the financial doping but because Burnley are taking legal action that means the PL can no longer turn a blind eye to it and cover Everton’s tracks. Maybe there’ll be a points deduction but even if not you’d have to assume the PL are going to force them to get their accounts in order and to start balancing the books.

 

The only way they can do that is by selling players and lowering the wage bill. There’ll be no big spending spree this summer, which is a shame in a way as they usually throw massive sums at shite players. They’d actually get a better return on their cash if they had just set fire to it. How is that? Well a pile of burnt cash can't shame the club by getting caught noncing.

 

Everton are pathetic. Everything about them just screams out “LOSERS”. All season they booed and abused their players. Then when the situation got desperate they rallied around the team, gave them fucking rabid support and turned Goodison into a fucking war zone. It worked because they got the results they needed to stay up. Then they started patting themselves on the back for their great support. Where was that support all season then?

 

The irony is that it wasn’t until they started doing what they’ve always sneeringly referred to as “Kopite behaviour” (supporting the team and greeting the coach etc) that they managed to create any kind of atmosphere. And it worked for them.

 

They actually think Lampard is good, which is great news really because he’s shite and if he stays he’ll take them down next year. He won’t stay though. He’s already started laying the groundwork for his departure. Talking about how tough it’s been and how he can’t wait to go back down south now and spend time with his family because he’s hardly seen them. That’s his get out of jail free card.

 

He won’t want to stay there with the financial mess they’re in. His stock is currently as high as it’s going to get because he kept them up. He’s a Tory and self preservation is second nature to them. He’ll desert that sinking ship like the fucking rat that he is. Same with Richarlison, the biggest rat of them all. If anyone comes in for him this summer he’ll be gone like shit off a stick, and he’ll convince the fans he’s done it to help them because the club needs the money. They’ll lap it up too.

 

He’s played them like a fiddle, playing up to their rabid hordes with his stupid little jibes at us on social media. He thinks it winds us up but all it does is make me fucking cringe. He’s one sad, pathetic fucking loser with so self awareness whatsoever. Laughing at us for narrowly missing out on the title minutes after his team just lost 5-1 to finish 16th. I mean, it takes a special kind of fucking moron to not see what a terrible look that is. He even had a Newcastle fan in the replies rightly telling him “have some shame”. A Newcastle fan talking about a lack of shame!! That's when you know you're in the wrong.

 

The only thing I will give Richarlison credit for is that unlike most of his team-mates he clearly does care and always puts a shift in. I despise everything about him and have done since he was at Watford, but one thing I can’t level at him is that he doesn’t work for the team. Give me that over the complete disinterest from his tone deaf strike partner who sat around watching his team struggle and after humiliating defeats would then go on instagram posting pictures of himself dressed as a woman from the 1950s. But then he came back for the last few games, scored a couple of goals and that will be enough to make the Blues forget just how much he’s taken the piss out of them. Another one who will leave at the first opportunity.

 

If he really wants to make them think he cares, he should dress up in a Real Madrid kit and post it before kick off on Saturday. They’ll build him a statue then. I’m not even kidding. It doesn’t take much to get tributes from the Blues. Lest we forget that Dele Ali and Donny Van Der Week were put on a mural alongside Pickford, Coleman, Richarlison etc before they’d even kicked a ball. Alli still hasn’t kicked a ball for them has he? I know he's played, but has he touched the ball? Can anyone recall him doing ANYTHING for them? Still, at least he got a haircut and removed that red dreadlock eh?

 

They define themselves by what we do and that’s why they’ll always fail. Forget about us, concentrate on getting your own shit together. It’s fucking mental when you look at how giddy they’ve been the last couple of weeks. They’re acting like they’ve achieved something this season. They’ve been dogshit for virtually the entire season, they survived by the skin of their teeth yet they’re strutting around, dicks swinging, like they’ve got something to be pleased about. They're fucking mental.

 

Being a Blue is quite literally the most miserable existence of any fanbase in whole of football. There’s no joy in it whatsoever so they have to manufacture joy where there really isn’t any. Like invading the pitch and celebrating like Scots who’ve won at Wembley just because a team that spent more money than anyone outside of the two manc clubs just about survived relegation with one game to spare. They’re a different breed. It’s going to be great next season when they finish bottom.

 

Speaking of bottom, Norwich ended their season fitting style by getting fucking leathered 5-0 at home by Spurs. Son scored twice but thankfully Mo got one to ensure the Golden Boot was shared. I didn’t like their little bro fest on twitter congratulating eachother though. Whatever that contract offer is, knock ten grand a week off it just for that shit. Urgh.

 

Then you have Lineker furthering the tiresome “nice guy Son” narrative with “look at him smiling, you can tell he’s such a lovely guy and his team-mates love him”. Fuck that shit. He’s a little twat and I’ll die on that hill. 

 

Spurs fully deserved top four as even if they did their best at times to blow it, they’re miles better than anyone other than the top three and it should never have been as close as it ended up. Arsenal are exactly who I said they were though and they proved it by twatting Everton when it meant absolutely nothing. They were smelling themselves too, especially Arteta giving it loads on the touchline, the smug cunt. Pure unadulterated Arsenal that. 

 

Martinelli got the first from the spot, Nketiah quickly added another before Van Der Beek pulled one back. Cedric, Gabriel and Odegaard put Everton to the sword in the second half, but the travelling Blues didn’t care as they were too busy cheering Manchester City goals. City have well and truly overtaken United in their affections now. Sad cunts.

 

Arsenal fans are now trying to talk themselves into "5th is a success" because they’d have taken that at the beginning of the season. What a crock of shit that is. At the start of the season they wouldn’t have been expecting Chelsea, Spurs and United to have the problems they’d had. Arsenal had a top four spot virtually sewn up and they threw it away. To Spurs. Losers. 

 

Speaking of losers, United lost again. This the worst side they’ve had in living memory and they’re a million miles away from being good again. They may even be worse next season as their best player is going to jail and they basically need seven or eight really good signings to get anywhere near challenging. 

 

Zaha got the only goal of the game to cap off a satisfying season for him and Palace. 14 goals, probably half of them from the spot but I can’t be arsed checking. Meanwhile, this was United’s worst season since 90/91 but it was actually much worse than their points tally suggests. They finished 6th and that flattered them massively.

 

Palace finished 12th but I don’t think that reflects how they played either. They were better than that, and they were certainly a lot easier on the eye than they usually are. There’ll be no more Vieira disrespect from me after Palace's heroics against City and with him decking that little scrote who taunted him at Goodison. Shame Benteke didn’t do the same, the placid twat.

 

I didn't actually realise when I wrote last week's round up that the Everton pitch invasion wasn't just at full time. They did it when they scored the third goal and there were still five minutes left. It wasn't just a joyous thing with them celebrating either, they were intimidating and abusing the Palace players while there was still time left. The Benteke video is appalling.

 

Burnley should be putting in a complain about that too because there's no doubt that something like that will have had an influence on the Palace players. Palace had nothing of note to play for and they knew exactly what was happening when the full time whistle went. They will have just been wanting that game over and any motivation they had to try and get an equaliser will have gone as their personal safety will have been the priority. That's really not a level playing field is it? Action needs taking there. Some games behind closed doors next season is the least they should get. Same with City, who assaulted the Villa keeper after their game on Sunday. They should have been thanking the shit cunt.

 

Anyway, United’s loss opened the door for West Ham to grab 6th sport and when Antonio smashed them into the lead at Brighton with a left footed thunderbolt it was looking good. Brighton hit back through Veltman and won it with a lovely finish by Gross late on and a stoppage time header by Danny Welcrap.

 

Top ten finish for Brighton and well deserved too. Give them a good centre forward and they’d be pushing for top six. They lost only one of their final ten games, which was a stat that surprised me. That wretched run they had a couple of months back (seven losses in a row I think) really killed their chances of Europe but if they keep Graham Potter they might be able to climb a couple more places next season. 

 

Watford took on Chelsea at Stamford Bridge in what will hopefully be their last Premier League game for some time. We’ve seen enough of them and Norwich now. Please don’t come back any time soon lads.

 

That Kenedy fella was playing for Chelsea. Where the fuck has been? On loan presumably, but how come he was allowed to play in this game? He was really good too. He set up the opener for Havertz and created a few other chances too. 

 

Chelsea’s fans were having a great old time singing about Steven Gerrard as Villa handed City the title with that collapse, but just as the Chelsea fans were reaching full volume that Dan Gosling jabroni headed Watford level.

 

It’s a shame it didn’t stay that way as it would have been a fitting end to Chelsea’s season. They’ve been mostly shite since the turn of the year and Tuchel has work to do there this summer, especially with all of his defenders fucking off, Kante starting to look old and them having no reliable goalscorer. 

 

I mean fucking hell, they needed Ross Barkley to score the winner in this game. That’s not something you can count on, the breeze block headed cunt hadn’t scored all season. The sooner he goes back to Everton the sooner balance will be restored to the universe. They’re made for eachother.

 

Finally, Leicester thumped Southampton in a bad tempered game. Maddison put Leicester ahead in controversial circumstances. There was a drop ball and Southampton through they were getting the ball back. It was booted towards their keeper and everyone stopped. Except Vardy, who chased it and put pressed on Lyanco who fluffed his lines and let Vardy in. The keeper saved but Maddison pounced on the rebound. Southampton were fucking furious and rightly so.

 

Vardy then made it 2-0 with a lovely finish. Ward-Prowse pulled one back from the spot but that loser Ayoze Perez then converted a brilliant Maddison pass to give Leicester a cushion again. He then added another one to make it 4-1.

 

Leicester finished 8th, which on paper is probably not too far over par all things considered. They’ve had loads of injuries yet I still feel like they’ve had a really disappointing season. Maybe I’m judging them overly harshly because of the points they gifted to Everton and because the cunts somehow beat us, but I don’t think they’ve been good enough considering the squad they have. They should be 5th or 6th really.

 

Maddison has had a sneaky good season though. 18 goals he’s scored, which is really impressive for a midfielder. The fact that Leicester have been so disappointing means no-one is really talking about him though. I reckon he’s got Newcastle written all over him. The Saudis will be looking to make a big splash this summer and he seems like exactly the type of cunt who’d jump at it.

 

So there we go, another season in the books and they seem to go quicker every year. It starts in August, then you blink and suddenly it’s May. Overall it’s been amazing. It didn’t result in the title and I’m not going off on one again about the injustice of that.

 

The thing I want to say really is that too much emphasis seems to be being placed on the end result. The final outcome. All this talk now that we need to win the Champions League to ensure the season is a success. I’ve been thinking a lot about that these last few days and frankly it’s bollocks.

 

A season isn’t just about what happens at the end of it. It’s about the journey, the fun you have along the way. The joy of winning games and the anticipation of the next one. In fairness, maybe that's why Arsenal see their season as a success? I don't deny they have made progress, but still, they're such fucking bottle jobs aren't they?

 

For us though, this entire season has been un fucking real. We’ve reached every final and the league title was still a possibility right up until the final whistle went at the Etihad. 

 

Yet we have fans of other clubs trying to banter us about ‘not winning the league’ and saying if we don’t win a European Cup it isn’t a great season. None of those cunts, NONE of them, have ever done what we’ve done. This is something 99% of other clubs in this country have never even come close to and never will. 

 

Look at Everton, wildly celebrating because they’ve won a few home games to stay in the league. They’re acting like they’ve had a successful season when they’ve been thoroughly miserable for nine months of it. We’ve had great fun from August until May. The result of one game doesn’t take that away. A footy season is 10 months long and we’ve had 10 great months. Other than City, who else can say that? 

 

And judging by their half arsed title parade even they don’t seem to have enjoyed themselves that much. Fuck everyone who isn’t us. 

 

So as is tradition, here's some end of season awards

 

Player of the Season (excluding LFC or MCFC)

 

1) Son Heung Min (sorry mum)

2) Jarrod Bowen

3) Conor Gallagher

 

He could play for us

 

1) Harry Kane (sorry mum)

2) Kevin De Bruyne

3) Conor Gallagher

 

Manager of the Season (non LFC)

 

Graham Potter

 

Goal of the Season:

 

1) Salah v United (h) 

2) Salah v City (h)

3) Thiago v Porto (h)

 

Twat of the Season

 

1) Richarlison

2) Frank Lampard

3) Pep Guardiola

4) Anthony Gordon

5) Ben White

 

Flop of the Season

 

1) Everton

2) Romelu Lukaku

3) Bruno Fernandez

4) Marcelo Bielsa

5) Jack Grealish

 

Worst Fans

 

1) Man United

2) Everton

3) Newcastle (guaranteed number one next season, mark my words)

4) Leicester 

5) Wolves

 

Best Opposition Fans

 

Palace.

 

Best Opposing Player Performance Against Us

 

1) Kevin De Bruyne

2) Mateo Kovacic 

3) Conor Gallagher 

4) Gabriel Martinelli

5) Leandro Trossard

 

Worst Opposition Player Performance Against Us

 

1) Geronimo Rulli (twice)

2) Paul Pogba (twice)

3) Harry Maguire

4) Zach Steffen

5) Ben White

 

The Jason Puncheon ‘My Boy’ Award

 

In the absence of Bamford, I’ll go with Allan Saint-Maximin just over Ivan Toney and Marc Cucurella.

 

Premier League Team of the Season:

 

Alisson; Alexander-Arnold, Matip, Van Dijk, Robertson; Fabinho, Henderson, Thiago; Salah, Mané, Diaz:

 

Best of the Rest (exc LFC & MCFC):

 

Martinez; James, Thiago Silva, Rudiger, Cucurella; Rice, Gallagher, Maddison; Bowen, Kane, Son:

 

Massive Cunts XI:

 

Pickford, Azpilacueta, White, Mina, Walker; Holgate, Bernardo, Fernandez; Gordon, Richarlison (c), Greenwood:

 

Subs: Ramsdale, Mings, Maguire, Coleman, Coady, Son, Kane


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True enough re the enjoyment aspect, Dave.

 

There's a Guardian article on each of the seasons under Jurgen's reign here on their website at the moment which mentions in passing that for sheer joy some fans might choose as their favourite the season that ended in Kiev despite no trophies being won.

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For your more mature readers, this wouldn't be the worst United team in living memory. That would be the team that got relegated in the early 70s. I was studying in Manchester and went to Old Trafford a few times and they were awful, even getting beaten 4-1 by Spurs. Needless to say, when they played us they gave it everything, on and off the pitch and won 2-0. I was happy to get out of the ground in one piece. Happily, they did finally get relegated.

I reckon United now are like we were in the early 90s; awful but getting more points than they deserved because people are playing the shirt, rather than the rubbish that's wearing it.

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A funny and truthful end to the season with a nice mention for Mum, you only get one.

Shame about the cunts eleven as there's a few missing but most probably not considered as they're waiting on court appearances.

The shite? Everything written is so true. Horrible small time cunts with no purpose in life and even though they don't watch champions league I'm guessing by 8.15 tomorrow it will be switched over to Grand Designs.

I am only optimistic about this team. 

Bringing it home again. 

 

 

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17 hours ago, Frank Dacey said:

For your more mature readers, this wouldn't be the worst United team in living memory. That would be the team that got relegated in the early 70s. I was studying in Manchester and went to Old Trafford a few times and they were awful, even getting beaten 4-1 by Spurs. Needless to say, when they played us they gave it everything, on and off the pitch and won 2-0. I was happy to get out of the ground in one piece. Happily, they did finally get relegated.

I reckon United now are like we were in the early 90s; awful but getting more points than they deserved because people are playing the shirt, rather than the rubbish that's wearing it.

 

They'd beat this United team. Even now, with half of them dead or picking up their pension.

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Excellent Dave. You know what annoys me about Everton (well that would take all day so, one thing), they completely failed to try at Arsenal. If spurs had needed them to be honest, they had no intention of being so. Imagine their hate fuelled angry shitty scowling angry corruption letters if they’d needed another team to get a result and that team, say us (please one day) instead just fuck about. Absolute entitled twats. 

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If we write off last season as the anomaly it was, then for the last 3/4 years it’s just been an absolute fucking joy being a red. For most of my life we’d have the occasional cup, the even more occasional second placed finish, and the glory of Istanbul to remind me of how good football can be. Now I’m reminded every fucking week how good it can be, supporting this team is an absolute privilege and whether we twat Madrid in Paris or not, just about every week since August has delivered yet another ridiculous moment from this team to smile about. Personal highlight for me was watching Nat Phillips taking the piss in the San Siro. 

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22 minutes ago, bossy said:

Excellent Dave. You know what annoys me about Everton (well that would take all day so, one thing), they completely failed to try at Arsenal. If spurs had needed them to be honest, they had no intention of being so. Imagine their hate fuelled angry shitty scowling angry corruption letters if they’d needed another team to get a result and that team, say us (please one day) instead just fuck about. Absolute entitled twats. 

 

That's a good point. Lampard's interview afterwards was shameless too.

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3 hours ago, Manjo said:

If we write off last season as the anomaly it was, then for the last 3/4 years it’s just been an absolute fucking joy being a red. For most of my life we’d have the occasional cup, the even more occasional second placed finish, and the glory of Istanbul to remind me of how good football can be. Now I’m reminded every fucking week how good it can be, supporting this team is an absolute privilege and whether we twat Madrid in Paris or not, just about every week since August has delivered yet another ridiculous moment from this team to smile about. Personal highlight for me was watching Nat Phillips taking the piss in the San Siro. 

I know the whole covid/no fans in stadiums etc. was a bollox and 20/21 was artificial, it wasn't the whole season that was a nightmare results wise for this team. We were top after 14 games and won 26 points in the final 10 games. It was just the 14 games in the middle where we just picked up 12 points that was the anomaly, results wise for this team across the past 5 season, 4 in the league

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3 hours ago, dave u said:

If I've missed out any glaring contenders in the Twats of the Season XI feel free to nominate them.

I’ve checked and you’ve only mentioned Richarlison once, a twat like that needs at least three positions on the team all by himself.

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What a season we've had you're right Dave it's been a hell of a ride and as I write this we've still got tonight left .

Loved the little tribute to your Mum that was a really nice touch. 

In a season of brilliant round ups this one was superb and I'm going to miss them over the summer , anyway keep up the great work on the site hopefully we pick up No 7 tonight and next season is just as good .

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