This is a great time of year for footy because the hectic fixture list usually causes some unpredictability in a league that is otherwise fairly predictable. Unfortunately nothing too much out of the ordinary has happened so far.
Mourinho again managed to escape criticism following poor results by somehow turning it into a discussion about Man City’s spending. Harry Kane went goal crazy with consecutive hat-tricks, City picked up six points without breaking sweat, as did Chelsea, but Fat Sam’s Everton are keeping clean sheets but couldn’t even score in a brothel at the moment. Wayne Rooney’s return should help with that though. Scoring goals I mean, not the brothel thing as that would be a low blow and I’m better than that. What? Fuck off, I am.
Right, may as well dive straight into it then. City went ahead against Bournemouth through Aguero, but just what in the blue hell were Bournemouth doing passing it around in their own box like that? Begovic was the main culprit, instead of launching it he underhit a chipped a pass towards Ibe and it was intercepted. Five seconds later it was in the net. It’s hard enough against City without doing stupid shit like that.
Sterling slotted his 16th of the season to make it 2-0, Aguero headed in for the third and Danilo wrapped it up with the fourth. The cheers for each goal were so half arsed though. It sounded like a testimonial, there’s no passion at all from that crowd. They’re by far the worst fans of any of the top six clubs - Arsenal seem like River Plate in comparison - but the whole set up there is manufactured and lacking any kind of authenticity.
That increased their lead at the top as United dropped two points in hilarious fashion at ten man Leicester, giving an equaliser with literally the last kick of the game. Afterwards Mourinho called his players ‘childish’ in both penalty areas. He was actually right in everything he said, but saying it just makes him a twat. Klopp would never go after his own players like that, not would Wenger, Pochettino or Guardiola. Very few others would either. Moyes would, obviously. Hodgson probably would too. Other than that I’m struggling, because it’s a cunt’s trick.
That Maguire equaliser was one of the best moments of the season, it was even better than the open goal that ‘Jesseh’ missed earlier in the game. Don’t expect to see that replayed as endlessly as poor old Ronny Rosenthal though. It was a worse miss but it’s a United player so I doubt we’ll ever see it again.
Had Maguire not equalised I wouldn’t have seen it as it goes without saying I wouldn’t have watched the highlights otherwise. As soon as I heard about that last gasp goal I was counting down the minutes to MOTD, and it didn’t disappoint. Leicester’s first goal was fucking ace too though, as Mahrez and Vardy did what they do best. Outside of our lads there’s no finer sight in the Premier League than a Leicester counter attack.
Mata scored twice to turn the game around and I’ve got to say it pisses me off big time whenever he does anything, as I just feel like Mourinho doesn’t deserve anything from the likeable little Spaniard because he doesn’t appreciate him. He’s like the loudmouth dickhead you always see down the boozer with the fit bird who he treats like shite. Mata left him once but has somehow found himself back in this unhealthy relationship. You just know all his mates are telling him to leave and never look back but he won’t listen.
Elsewhere, Newcastle won at West Ham, or to put it another way Rafa had his way with Moyes just like old times. It was a decent game this one. West Ham went in front but Henri Saivet (whoever the hell he is) equalised. The Geordies then hit the woodwork twice through Gayle and Ritchie before Diame eventually put them ahead after great play by Atsu. Diame didn’t celebrate because he used to play for the Hammers. *yawn*
Ayew then missed a penalty for West Ham, which was justice really as the foul was outside the box. The Hammers couldn’t get out of their own way, quite literally, as Collins smashed a clearance straight at a team-mate and Newcastle ran the length of the field to score through the lively Atsu.
Ayew pulled one back but West Ham deserved nothing from the game and nothing was what they got. Good to see normal service being resumed after they threatened a mini revival. Desperately want them to go down, the freeloading fucks.
High flying Burnley embarked on a tough run of festive fixtures with a home game against Spurs. They were comfortably beaten in the end but had Michael Oliver not been so lenient with Deli Alli then it might have been different. Not sure what this little prick has to do to get a red card. He could bring a machete onto the field in his shorts and start hacking away at someone and we’d have to listen to cunts telling us was “not a red card, maybe more of an orange”
Just to rub Burnley’s noses in it, Alli then dived to win a penalty. Ok, dived is a little strong, but he made sure he went over the defender’s leg. Kane buried the penalty (Spurs’ first of the season in the league) and went on to complete a hat-trick. That was his seventh hat-trick of 2017 and his ninth in total for Spurs. Incredible that, he’s only 24 or something.
He’s averaging more than a goal a game in 2017, which is entering Messi and Ronaldo territory. Imagine the hype that would surround him if he was in any way handsome, instead of looking like Bruce Forsyth and Jimmy Hill’s illegitimate son. He’s brilliant, I can’t speak highly enough of him.
Moving on, and Wee Joe blasted in a cross from Crouchy to give Stoke the lead over West Brom. It feels like that’s the first thing he’s done all season. He started off at Stoke like a house on fire but he’s all but disappeared this year. Maybe he needed something to get him going, as soon after he created a goal for Choupa-Moting.
Rondon gave West Brom some hope with a tidy finish but they couldn’t find an equaliser and Stoke killed them off in stoppage time when Foster came up for a corner and they broke downfield and Ramadan scored.
West Brom are in a horrific run and look to be in real trouble, but I reckon they’ll get out of it as my man Pards is far too suave to get relegated. I like Rondon a lot too, I feel like he’d score more goals in a better team but he always works his bollocks off and I’ve got a lot of time for him.
Elsewhere, Swansea battled back to earn a point after falling behind against Palace. They were struggling for much of the game but Leon Britton made some changes and they could have won it in the end. A few days later they came to Anfield and he left out all three of the forwards that helped them get something out of the game. Nice one, Leon. No wonder his stint in charge was short-lived. He signed his own death warrant when he started that Archie McSporran or whatever the fuck that anaemic, socks rolled down bum was called.
After that Swansea immediately appointed some nobody who was sacked by Sheffield Wednesday. Why would they do that, you are probably wondering. Probably because of his agent - Jorge fucking Mendes. No doubt he’s promised to send a few of his players Swansea’s way, but obviously it’ll be the ones he doesn’t want at Wolves, the dodgy cunt. Modern football eh? Gets worse every year.
Pascal Gross got the only goal of the game as Brighton beat Watford. Gomes should have kept it out but he went down in installments, it was like watching Fraser Forster.
Everton did us a favour by holding Chelsea at the Pit. It was dire, they never had a single shot at goal but this is who they are now. They got battered and offered nothing in attack, and the clean sheet was more luck than anything else as Williams headed against his own bar, Jagielka cleared off the line twice and Pickford made about ten great saves.
Staying with the Blues, I see Allardyce was getting a lot of praise this past week over comments he made about food banks and the state of this country. Can’t say I was shocked at him and Sammy Lee getting upset about a shortage of food. What? Yeah I know, I’m being a cunt there. Sorry. *whispers* Not sorry.
My boy Charlie Austin scored to put Southampton ahead against Huddersfield but then he kicked the keeper in the face and split his nose wide open. It looked deliberate too. Not sure what got into him there as he’s not normally the sort to do that. The ref didn’t see it but the cameras did and he’s banned for three games, which is bit pointless as he did his hamstring later in the game and will be out for a lot longer than that now.
Southampton’s day got even worse when that big yard dog Depoitre headed an equaliser from close range as Huddersfield’s impressive season continues. Southampton have fallen off a cliff though, Pellegrino really has his work cut out there.
Onto Boxing Day now. Spurs destroyed Southampton as Kane became 2017s leading scorer with yet another hat-trick. The numbers he’s posting up are incredible and if he continues at this pace - and stays at Spurs - he’ll be the best goalscorer this country has ever produced. I don’t think that will happen though as to me it’s only a matter of time before he’s at Real Madrid, probably with his manager with any luck.
I hope Spurs get in the top four this year though, as long as it’s not at our expense. Arsenal and United missing out would be nice.
Southampton were fucking abysmal though, the goals they conceded were soft as shite and that Romeu looked like he was trying to get his manager the sack, the half arsed cunt. The players don’t look like they’re playing for the manager and the Long Pork Sausage could be in trouble soon.
Southampton did score a couple of consolation goals, but that was only because Loris is dodgy as fuck. That’s two more soft goals to add to his growing collection, but as of yet it doesn’t seem to have harmed his ‘world class’ reputation. World class? Pah! He’s the French Joe Hart.
United were 2-0 down at home to Burnley but came back to grab a point thanks to two goals from that little shitkicker Lingard. I skipped those highlights as I’m not watching that rat faced fuck doing whatever shitty choreographed celebration he’s come up with this week. Can’t tell you how much I hate him.
Mourinho somehow managed to turn another disappointing result into a massive media discussion about City’s spending. Impressive in its own way I guess, but it’s so disheartening how the media dance to his pathetic, predictable little tune any time they have a bad result.
One journo actually pointed out to him that he’d spent £300m, to which the response was basically “so what, it’s not enough”. I mean, he’s right in a way. What City are doing is fucking ridiculous and they’re showing no regard for FFP whatsoever. That said, it’s laughable when Mourinho is complaining about City “spending more on full backs than United spend on strikers”.
Which full back cost more than Lukaku then? And let’s conveniently overlook United full back Luke Shaw costing more than Gabriel Jesus. And which of City’s midfielders cost anything like what United paid for Pogshit? Here’s the thing, the rest of the league can complain about City, you can’t, you hypocritical blame deflecting little thundercunt.
How much have Burnley spent, by the way? You know, Burnley, the team that just held United at Old Trafford despite being without four first choice players? That should have been the follow up question by that journey, but in fairness he was probably too incredulous at the first reply to even know what to say next.
I’ll move on now otherwise I’ll end up writing another ten paragraphs on that fucking mongrel.
Leicester were surprisingly beaten at Watford despite taking the lead through Mahrez following another great counter. They’re a weird team. I probably rate them more highly than they deserve, but it’s because Mahrez and Vardy are so good. I love watching those two, and I have a soft spot for Japanese Dirk too, but Leicester have problems at the other end, especially when it comes to set-pieces. They’ve conceded 30 goals this season which would have them down with the bottom clubs if they hadn’t also scored the same amount.
We play them next so I’ll refrain from commenting further on them. I think we can all agree that’s probably for the best given my track record.
Watford needed that win though as they’ve been on a terrible run since they blocked Silva going to Everton. Their equaliser was scored by some lad I’d never seen before. Every week they seem to send out some random fucker that no-one knows. They must have a squad of about 90 players.
My boy Doucoure got the winner with a weird shot from the tightest of angles (is he my boy did I ever make that official? He is now anyway). I think it might have been a Schmeichel own goal really, but I like Doucoure so I’m giving it to him even if the dubious goals panel don’t.
Stoke picked up a decent point at Huddersfield to go with the three they picked up against West Brom. A productive holiday period for them so far and some of the pressure has been relieved on Hughes, who was quick to blow his own trumpet once again. No false modesty about old ‘Sparky’ is there? I hate that nickname by the way. Always have. Hated him enough even without that stupid name, but that just made it worse. The only positive thing I could ever say about Hughes when he was a player was that “at least he’s not that cunt Whiteside”.
Tom Ince scored his first Premier League goal in four years to put the Terriers ahead but Ramadan scored for the second game in a row to ensure it ended honours even. Huddersfield were denied a stonewall pen when Wee Joe fouled my boy Aaron Mooy, but Stoke were also robbed of one when Diouf was clipped by Schindler. Hughes complained about the one he didn’t get and said fuck all about the one he got away with. Textbook Hughes.
Want to hear a scary story? If that Blackpool owner wasn’t such a crank and hadn’t refused to answer calls from Liverpool, I had it on good authority that we’d have signed Ince and not Coutinho back in the day. True story, we only moved for Phil because Blackpool were being dicks about Ince.
Everton drew 0-0 again, this time at West Brom. Has there ever been a game more destined to end goalless than that one? West Brom can’t score and Everton have forgotten how to. I fast forwarded this game on MOTD because I figure I’m probably on the 12th green or 13th tee in the round of golf that is life, so time is precious and I’m not wasting any of it on this turgid shite.
Allardyce has Big Sam’d the absolute shit out of them already though hasn’t he? When the relief of escaping the relegation battle fades there is going to be some proper pissed off and fed up Evertonians I reckon.
The only entertainment at Goodison these days comes from their unrivalled capacity to make complete cunts of themselves. Their latest comedy escapade was selling t-shirts in their club shop with a picture of the crowd on them. Only problem being, the crowd was actually the Kop. Oooooff! I mean fucking hell, how does that happen?
I used to pride myself on my ability to take the piss out of Everton. I was fucking good at it, and all modesty aside I might have even been the best in my field. Now? They’ve taken it away from me by continually doing things that are funnier than any punchline I could ever come up with.
West Ham thought they’d secured three points at Bournemouth in a dramatic game, but a controversial ending robbed them of two points. And they were robbed, it was scandalous.
Collins headed them into the lead but that Dan Gosling jabroni equalised. Francis then laid out Kouyate with a Hulk Hogan style big boot, but before he could deliver the patented leg drop to finish him off he was surrounded by West Ham players and the ref. He was only given a yellow card, which again makes a mockery of Sadio’s dismissal at City. Fucking joke, but then Bobby Madley was the ref so anything goes really.
Ake made it 2-1 to Bournemouth but Begovic slipped over while attempting a routine clearance and presented Arnautovic with a tap in. Hard to blame the keeper for that though as it was absolutely pissing down and he just lost his footing. He was beaten again by Arnautovic in the last minute but the drama didn’t end there as Bournemouth were then awarded a ridiculous equaliser after it had initially been ruled out.
It really was a fucking farce. Wilson was offside and he put the ball in with his arm. The linesman flagged for offside but then both he and Bobby the Boob shit themselves after the Bournemouth players appealed. Wilson protested his innocence and was adamant he didn’t touch the ball (lying bastard) and the officials believed him.
Incredible really, but I’m actually ok with it because it’s usually Bournemouth getting screwed like that so I’m pleased for ‘Nice Guy Eddie’ that something went his way for once. Plus it’s always funny seeing Moyes pissed off.
Chelsea saw off Brighton at the Bridge. Nothing flashy or exciting about it, they just got the job done. They’re not as exciting as us or Spurs but they are almost machine like and it will take a good team to finish above them for second.
City won at Newcastle but it’s reached the point where surely no-one even cares now. I just hope we beat them in a few weeks, and aside from that I couldn’t give a fuck what they do or if they win every other game they play. It was only 1-0 and I didn’t watch it, but from what I’ve heard Rafa parked every bus he could find and Newcastle’s aim was purely about keeping the score down. This is going to happen more and more I think, and in a way this was kind of a win for Newcastle.
Look at it this way. Apart from Everton, who fluked a draw against ten men, every team that has played City this season has lost, and most of them by several goals. So Newcastle knew they’d lose, but by only losing 1-0 they’ve done better than most and their goal difference didn’t take a hammering. Rafa is the ultimate pragmatist and he’ll be fairly happy with with that.
Finally, Arsenal won at Palace but they have Julian fucking Speroni to thank for it. What a fucking useless turd he is. He’s the worst keeper I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Brad Jones. Mind you, the Hodge actually bought Brad Jones so you have to question his eye for the position. Speroni is fucking hopeless though, if I was Wayne Hennessey I’d probably just retire in shame right now at losing my place to that fucking abomination.
Palace would have won this game with a competent keeper. Or alternatively, a competent manager who knows what a competent keeper looks like. Here’s a clue, Roy. A competent keeper doesn’t look like his face has been put together with spare parts from other people and get beat on near post ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Fuck you Julian Speroni. Fuck you.
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