jonnybastard

He was good at what he did, maybe the best, though that's subjective, but he didn't do anything that hadn't been done before. It could be argued that his 'rival' of the time, Prince, was more innovative. What Oasis did, though neither original nor innovative, was re-aquaint people with proper guitar driven rock and roll music. They kept alive the idea that picking up and learning to play an instrument was a how you became a musician. If it hadn't been them, it might have been someone else, or it might be we'd have no alternative to x factor auditions. Now get back on topic for fuck's sake.

I used to own every single from the first two albums. I've still got half, the ex wife took the rest. Yet another reason why I'm glad she's dead.

Live forever The masterplan Digsy's diner (used to sing it to my kids when they were babies)

My neighbours are guilty of this. They've bought their teenage daughter one of them stupid little handbag dogs, and as soon as she leaves for school the mother shuts it in the bag yard. The little cunt yaps almost constantly to get back in, when it finally stops they look out of the window to make sure it's ok, thus setting the fat rat sized fucker off again.

The first time I did this I'd been using my phone while I sat and shat, I put the phone in the handy undercracker phone holder to wipe, then forgot it when I pulled my pants up. Seeing the impending arse crack the phone leapt to the relative safety of the toilet bowl. The second time I was wearing a hoody with one of those long pockets across the front, as I stood pissing the phone fell from the pocket, through the yellow waterfall, and into the toilet. The third time I walked to the toilet whilst checking out my new iphone, and for some inexplicable reason, let go of the phone to grab my zip, and dropped it straight down the pan. Surely I'm not alone in this phone - toilet phenomena?

I completely agree. The bitch and brats often ask me why I'm so anti-social, I tell them "apart from them (wife and kids) people fall into two catagories, those I don't like, and those I'm indifferent to". And I only exclude them out of politeness.

"give us a song". I hate singing in films, fucks it right up. And more than that, I fucking hate musicals, they're just fucked up full stop. Except Bugsy Malone, that's ace.

Stood outside the shop with the kids and dog, waiting for the wife to do whatever wifes do in shops, when a woman approaches giving it "what a beautiful dog, is he friendly?". "no" I reply, deadly serious, " she's very protective round the kids, best not get too close". By know the dog has put herself between the kids and the dog botherer. "aaww, that's sweet" she says, still approaching. "please don't" i tell her. The dog is now growling at her. Completely undeterred she closes in, puts her hand out and says "you can smell my doggy can't you?" Once within snapping distance that's exactly what she does, not a bite, but a definite final warning. The woman flips from dr dolittle to dr dangerous dogs act " it bit me" she's crying. "no, she's warning you, just like I warned you" " if it behaves like that it should be muzzled" she says. "if I did that how would she protect my kids from nutters like you?" For the record, pikey (the dog) is not some pit bull mastiff cross monster dog, but a rather small staff, who happens to be very protective round the children.

I met Nigel Benn, briefly, during his DJ phase. I was whizzing my tits off at the time. He's smaller than I thought he'd be, I remember thinking 'fucking hell, I reckon I could do him'. Don't know if I was thinking out loud, he read my mind, or he's just used to motorheads, but the look he gave me definitely said 'no you fucking couldn't pal'. As a schoolboy I boxed at the same show as Zammo from grange hill. He was a talented boxer and could have probably made a living as a pro, but once the smack gets hold of you... I've also met John Conteh and Charlie Magri (seperately), both very nice people.

Years ago I was introduced to Roy Chubby Brown, stood at the bar at a charity auction. For some reason he thought my name (jonny, see above), was hilarious, repeating it several times so his hangers on could laugh like it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard. A short time later I was stood talking with my bird when he walked past. My bird says "ooh look, it's chubby", he stopped and said "hey, it's Jonny". I said "fuck off chubs, can't you see I'm chatting with the bird". Couldn't resist.

I have met none other than 'the guvnor' himself. No, not that cunt, the actual guvnor, Lenny McLean. He wasn't well known at the time (late 80's early 90's ish), but I recognised him from some telly prog about Dave Courtney. The most remarkable thing about him was his sheer size, he was like a fucking bear. I couldn't imagine fighting the fucker, he looked like he could swipe your head clean off with a clip round the ear from one his massive paws......................................................................................... . Nice enough fella, though.

It will be in the last place you look.

My boss is an absolute fucking cunt. He's like a pre-menstrual woman, always looking for fault so he can whine like a bitch over the slightest thing. His wife and kids might not agree (though you never know), but my life would improve immeasurably if he'd fucking die. Glad to get that off my chest. I'm going to spill some petrol on him and light the bastard now.

Wagon wheels are the classic example, they used to be as big as yer head. They're no bigger than a big biscuit now.

"I've got a bad feeling about this". I'm sure it's said at least once in every star wars film.

There's a lot of people who deserve one, but will never get one. And there's a lot who have one that don't deserve it. They tend to be given in return for massive financial contributions to the ruling party, the govan hun got his for his public support of new labour, even appearing in their party election broadcast. The point is, whilst Kenny deserves recognition, I for one am glad that he would never stoop so low as to try to gain it.

My favourite Rolling Stones story, apologies if it's been told before. The band are on tour and in the wee small hours Mick Jagger is holding court in a hotel bar. Drunk and restless, he decides an impromptu gig is in order, "where's my drummer?" he asks no-one in particular. "he's in bed" no-one in particular replies. "well get him up and bring him down here, I want to sing and I want my drummer". Someone is despatched to wake Charlie, who appears a short time later, sleepy-eyed and dressed in a hotel bath robe. "where you been, you cant?" demands Jagger. Charlie Watts casually approaches Jagger, punches him to the ground and says "I'm not your fucking drummer, YOU are my singer" and goes back to bed.

Hell yeah!

How old are the rolling stones??? Ronnie Wood's gone the full zelda.

Mads Mikkelson is a cool as fuck name.

Ticket tout is Bobby Charlton, or Bobby Charlton is a ticket tout if you prefer. He was once caught selling his OT comps.

Good. Rather than join the likes of bacon chops, ticket tout, and Saville, he remains in the exhalted company of Bill, Bob, Tony Benn, and every other great man that refused to kiss establishment arse and suck prime ministerial cock. Besides, a king ranks far higher than a knight.

Happy birthday Cap'n

Didn't led zep call it quits when Bonham died? The Who should have when Moon died, it wasn't until ringo's boy zac came of age that they found a worthy replacement.

Mandela, despite the alleged crimes of his earlier years, was dedicated to a peaceful solution, went to extraordinary lengths to achieve his goal, and spent most of his life locked up for it. Surely Rudolph Hess would be a better comparison?