Harry Squatter

Bit of a long shot but can i have one for the man city game sitting next to linda pizzuti wearing a bikini, a mountain of charlie under the seat and 10 bottles of duvel as well as the original UEFA leather embossed match program of the 1977 European cup final?. PM me if you want. Cheers.

don't ever go to morrisons in st. Helens. Its like a cross between thriller and the audience from the Mrs Merton show

purple aki. Which woman would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?

burmo has his own fan page on facebook, his last confirmed sighting was march 2009. No reports since, his brother might have put him in a nursing home as he would always kick him out the house at 8am and wouldnt let him back in until 5pm.

I get a tent in my keks every time i see her

banged some rough slapper with big tits on the beach outside some bar in tenerife. I think i talked to her for about 3 minutes and i said 'fancy going outside?' I think about ten people stepped over me while i was in mid action. Walked her back to her apartment and had another go there. Turned up at my apartment at 6am covered in sand and white dust from walking across a building site cos i had no fucking idea where i was, must have walked past my hotel and carried on walking for ages. When i sobered up i managed to get my bearings. Got some weird looks off my mates who wondered where i'd gone the night before.

Tanner died in 2002, last time i saw him was in 1997 getting battered in mcdonalds in moor lane after arguing with some sted-head. He used to be a bus driver but was sacked due to constant drunkeness. Best way to describe him was: imagine jimmy saville being constantly bladdered, never having a shower, smoking 100 roll ups a day and trying to start fights with anyone who looked at him whilst wearing a bomber jacket. I have heard conflicting reports about burmo, some people say he died 5 years ago, some say he's still rooting through bins on college road.

when i was about 14 me and my mate came out of crosby youth club and into the chippy next door, we ordered our chips and in walked the local scruffy twat/pisshead called Tanner, true to form he called us a pair of twats as we'd had run ins with him before. We walked out and he'd parked his van without closing the rear doors, my mate gets in the van shaking it and i got in telling him to get out. Tanner just got in the front and started driving, he must have been pissed. The van had no divider so we just shit ourselves and hid right behind his seat. I was trying to hold back the laughter and my mate just leant forward tapped him on the shoulder saying 'where we going tanner lad?'. He went mad and shat himself swearing non stop then slammed on by Carnegie library, we stormed out the back, he chased us but we vaulted over the fence into Alexandra park. We hid there for what seemed like hours. He kept circling the park in his van shouting 'im gonna kill you two twats'. Me and my mate couldnt stop laughing for about 2 hours

used to do it ages ago. A scally lad moved to the top of the road and within 6 weeks he had turned me and my brother into donald sutherland's pyromaniac character from backdraft. He hated our next door neighbour so shat in a kwik save bag, threw it on her doorstep and set it alight with lighter fluid. The woman came out stamping on it and shite went everywhere. There was an entry by a row of shops which had a bus stop, this lad cut a piece of plastic pipe off his back gutter and used it to fire rockets at the l3 bus. One hit the top deck at rush hour and a few people chased him down to the beach. I got collared the night after setting fire to a load of cardboard boxes in the same entry, my dad twatted me when i got in and i didnt do it ever again.

nat west in castle street are useless. They only have 2 people on every lunch hr, so their brainwave to solve a massive queue was to put in a ticket system. Ther are no extra advisors, just a new argos style wait your turn system. Needed to discuss a mortgage but they 'double booked' me with another client twice, the second time they had no other advisors. When i finally got to see an advisor they just phoned the mortgage call centre and did the entire application via speakerphone. There was no need whatsoever for me to make an appointment because i could have phoned them myself. This is a bank who have won awards for customer service too.

i am going the england vs spain game in 2 weeks, i might pay the flying scotsman a visit. If i do i'll post a full report on here.

al, have you informed her mate that amanda is more famous on here than in real life?

I know he's a Manc but you can't beat this goal against Spain for sheer technique, right in the top corner as well. Everyone seems to forget Markus Babbel's goal against Everton in the Derby in 2001 because of Gary Mcallister's free kick. A quick counter attack and he must have ran the entire length of the field to get on the end of it. I nearly got punched by some Evertonian in the Bullens End jumping up and celebrating it! Everton 2-3 Liverpool 16 April 2001 - YouTube

Did the Liverpool-Southport pub crawl last Friday, it was hilarious, although the best time to do it is in the summer as a lot of the pubs between Southport and Crosby have nice, big beer gardens. Sat in 2 but the weather was a bit chilly. Hillside and Hall Road have no pubs nearby whatsoever so me and my mates bought a load of Oranjeboom from the Beer Shop on Lord Street in Southport, we even got a free bottle opener. Had a pint at each stop and swug Oranjeboom in the waiting rooms at the stops. Make sure you start in Southport and end up in town or you'll end up like me when I did it 5 years ago walking all the way back from Southport to Crosby because I couldn't get a taxi for love nor money. Felt like David Banner at the end of the Hulk TV series walking down the Formby bypass. My mate cleared a busy carriage out about 7pm between Waterloo and Seaforth by pretending to spew up in my carrier bag full of beer, a load of goths and emos nearby got up in disgust and sat at the end of the carriage. Had a fight with a vending machine at Bootle Strand Station because my packet of McCoys got stuck on the dispenser ring, some random fella came up and bought another pack and mine fell down which made me feel quite silly. After Crosby you notice the pubs get gradually rougher. The Railway at Seaforth was full of smackheads, schoolkids and people selling socks and razorblades, this was at 6 o clock, couldn't get near the pool table as there were about 10 BMX's parked up next to it. Wasn't expecting it to be this rough as I went a few years ago and the only problem they had there were people robbing stools from there so they could sit off on them outside their house. The Mayflower (back of Bootle Strand) looks like a pub out of the Sweeney because it hasn't been touched since 1977, was expecting John Thaw and Dennis Waterman to be grabbing a grass by his kipper tie by the jukebox and threatening him. It had a life-size dummy of Uncle Fester behind the bar and the first thing the barman "are you on a pub crawl?", the sinister and fat regulars stared at us non stop, especially when we nicked a photo of Rod Stewart off the wall toput up in the next pub. The Wyndham hotel is opposite Bank Hall Station and is populated by tracky wearers, we were there about 10pm on a Friday and no one had made an effort to even wear any going out attire, we got kicked out of one room as they were playing some pub from Norris Green at darts so probably there would have been a scrap at some point. Pitch & Pine was rough and just seems to be the living room for everyone who lives in the 3 roads adjoining it, however the locals were quite friendly and it has a good supply of pork scratchings though. The Bank Hall Hotel would have been ideal but it is derelict and has no roof. Tried to find the Banjo but sacked it off as we had to walk to the bottom of some rough road full of pit bulls and north faced up scalls. Anyway, here's a list of stations and pubs if anyone ever fancies doing it, most have pubs nearby, by the time I got to Sandhills we were all too gassed and couldn't be bothered looking round the Dock Road for a pub, we managed to get some ale from the pub at Bank Hall. Southport - Latin Lounge (2 minutes walk) Birkdale - Park Hotel (1 minute walk) Hillside - a rather nice waiting room with chilled music Ainsdale - The Railway (5 minutes walk) Freshfield - Freshfield Hotel (5 minutes walk) Formby - The Railway (1 minute walk) Hightown - Hightown Hotel (1 minute walk) Hall Road - No pubs near it, waiting room again Blundellsands & Crosby - The Birkey (5/6 minutes walk) Waterloo - The Alex (1 minute walk) Seaforth - The Railway (1 minute walk) Bootle Strand - (The Mayflower, 5 minutes walk) Bootle Oriel Road - The Wyndham Hotel (1 minute walk) Bank Hall - The Pitch and Pine (5 minutes) Sandhills - Waiting room Moorfields - The Vernon Arms (Dale Street, 2 minutes walk) Central - The Globe Managed to stay on my feet and went home at 12 due to tiredness, nearly fell asleep in Flares in Mathew Street. My mate challenged us to carry on until Hunts Cross, but who wants to end up gassed in Hunts Cross?. Went to Mathew Street and had 2 pints, got a taxi home but ended up sounding like Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot when telling the taxi driver where I lived. Even survived the cab ride without spewing up. I totalled up what I ate to try and keep myself sober and it was: 1 Carrot and Coriander Soup (dinner) 1 Gammon Steak & Chips (dinner) 10 spicy chicken wings from wingbox in Crosby (tea) 13 packets of crisps 3 packets of pork scratchings 2 packets of Scampi fries (consumed over several stops) 1 Burger King Bacon Double Cheeseburger meal (pre taxi meal) I'd love to know the calorie count on that lot. Weightwatchers eat your heart out. Going to do the Chester to Liverpool one next year, might miss out Birkenhead though!

bump. See she's on that shite desperate scousewives program that is getting filmed. Seen a photo of her in her hair rollers by the isla gladstone glasshouse in the paper. Not that i'm obsessed with her or anything....

Camp lakota in upstate new york, it was full of rich jewish kids from new york city. Luckily i worked in thd kitchens so never had to look after the twats. We were off camp in a small run down house, shared it with 2 british lads and 2 czechs. We got gassed virtually every night!

i love this thread

redshadows posts remind me of the scene in police academy where commandant lassard is doing a presentation. He emphasises random words to his audience loudly because some whore is sucking him off in the pulpit.

The Johnathon Ross show - gets paid shitloads to have the same guests on every six weeks like Alan Carr & Gordon Ramsey. They pay a shitload of money to get someone like Denzel Washington on and he asks them loads of shit questions and hardly has a clue about any of the films he's been in despite being a film critic.

Any sofa advert where the sale has gone on forever, forgetting to mention that the other parts of the 3 piece suite are never reduced - plus any band that sells the rights to shit adverts should die of bad AIDS

People who get into comepetitions about how far they can run/personal best times or how many weights they can lift, then challenge each other to a run or to come down to their gym.

Anyone who who goes out of their way to talk really loudly on their mobile on public transport so every person on the bus or train can hear them. Anyone on Facebook who posts something like "I've had enough of this/people are really pissing me off late" - so they get about 100 replies "arr hun/mate what's up?" then act all dead coy when people ask them what they are going on about and say they don't want to go into any detail.

Booze Britain, basically a camera following a bunch of bell ends who get gassed out of their minds, spew up in the street and have fights with random strangers in a kebab shop. Police stop action/camera action - just a collection of random clips of people parking their cars on motorways and having it twatted by a massive truck behind them when they phone the AA. Also involves police following random scallies round who can't drive and who end up smashing into walls or lamposts and then get caught after a pathetic attempt to leg it.

Then we'd win 10-0, Lionel Messi wouldnt get a sniff due to the rain, the intimidating atmosphere and the constant carpet bomb style throw ins would mess with his head.

Change your name to Calvin Aldi or Donald Zeke Phipps.