Harry Squatter

Women are tits on Facebook, one on my mrs friend list gives constant updates of her 3 kids, at least one is always ill and she posts about 5 uPdates a day about it. Woman in work never shuts up about her kid, every status up until last month was about him. Now she's getting married she hasn't stopped going on about it, every possible thought that enters her head about the wedding gets committed to type.

I'm sure I've seen someone put on Facebook "does anyone know the number for Alder Hey A&E?"

Not a go at Rico as no one will go "ooooh in London eh?" or "I'm soooo jealous". By the way Ricoif you want a laugh and a see some tits get the tube to Kings Cross and go the Flying Scotsman pub. Make sure you have lots of spare pound coins for the pint glass that comes around.

Yeah some bird put one on the other day "are there any decent jewellers in Southport?" cue a load of hysterical bitches replying asking why and was she getting engaged

Ha ha. I knew some bird who thought she was gorgeous and made a big deal about going to ladies day every year at Aintree, she had a fit body but big teeth. She told me that some cheeky cunt came up to her at the bar and asked what races she was betting on, she asked why and said it was none of his business, he then said "I'm only asking because you can't bet on yourself so whatever race you aren't betting on I'll put a bet on you each way"

People who put stupid shite on Facebook like "what time does the match start?" or "does anyone know of any kids activity centres in Sefton?". Why not just google it yourself you thick cunt instead of putting it on Facebook and waiting round to see if anyone responds to your question?. By the time you wait for someone to reply you could have found out yourself.

I love the way foghorn women can't handle it when men stand up to them or give as good as they get in an argument. Some woman where I used to work was always making snide comments about all the men in the office. She always used to exaggerate every fellas age and always make snide comments about any fellas dress sense. This woman was really a glass house person who threw a lot of stones as she would come to work dressed like a whore and cram into a size 12 dress when she was a 16. She had a go at some lad who always ignored her but one day he just turned on her. She made a snide comment about his age and the suit he was wearing. He just turned around and said "better than being 50 stone and dressing like you're going to work on Upper Parliament Street". She ran to the bogs crying and later put in a bullying complaint about him! Another one was a big brassy blonde who modelled herself on Pamela Anderson, properly thought she was gorgeous and would always criticise the "lack of male talent" in our office. Me and my mates saw her out a few weeks ago and my mate tried chatting her up but she told him he was fat and ugly. He said "you remind me of some film star" she then perked up and said "oh yeah, who?". My mate said "stiflers ma in American Pie". She was on the verge of tears at the bar

I ate a load of cakes last night, by the way I'm fat, you know I'm fat right?

Pick teams then we are sorted to start on time

I want to submit my application for South American correspondent please.

Anyone else playing?

1. Mark 2. Rob

Everton haven't played good football since 1985, it will be too much of a shock for them and they won't be able to handle it. They've been brought up on a diet of dogs of war, utter shite under Walter Smith and then Moyes' eleven years of eye aids. They will be like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes.

Or having a bite to eat in San Carlo

My mum used to drive my Dad mental doing things like this, one time she went to town to buy some curtains, when she got to the shop she found that the curtains were half price, she then decides to buy a table lamp with the money she saved even though she didn't really need one. Then she saw a table which was half price in the same shop so ends up buying that and getting my dad to drive to town to pick it up. So instead of paying 40 quid for a pair of curtains she gets them for 20, then buys a table lamp with the 20 she saved which she never needed. Then decided to buy a table for 70 quid but it was justified because it was 140 originally.

Saw stubby today again, lurking round Williamson Square pestering people for change. The fella who lurks outside William Hill was sitting there at 7.30 yesterday morning and was still there when I went home at 4.30. He was there bright and early at 7.30 this morning. You cannot fault these guys for persistence.

Why do women treat money like its a ticking bomb or a grenade that has had the pin pulled out of it? Two fellas in work told their wives that we are getting a pay increase in October. Within 2 days both have had arguments with them because their wives have already allocated that money to spend on something. It's like they hate the idea of spare money lying around or voices in their head tell them to spend it under any circumstances.

Loads like them in my work, two birds in their early 30's live at home with their parents, always moaning that they are skint. Both have cars on finance and pays 225 quid a month, pays 80 a month in car parking fees despite both living near train stations. Always buying new clothes all the time yet one of them was moaning the other week saying she'll never be able to afford to move out.

They are outstanding, I used to run amok on them before I was married

They were probably from Rhyl

Expertly set up by me as well....

One dinnertime I was dying to go the toilet but the dinnerladies had locked the doors to get back in, I decided to sneak in the staff entrance and use the teacher’s bogs. If I had been caught I probably would have got suspended for about 2 weeks. As soon as I was in there I heard the PE teacher walk in with another teacher, the other teacher washed his hands and got off. Anyway, the PE teacher decides to go for a dump in the cubicle next to me and starts making loads of angry noises whilst having a dump like ARRRGGGHHHH and GRRRRR, even hitting the sides of the cubicles like he was giving birth to a monster baby. Unable to contain myself I burst out laughing, he then shouts out “Who’s that laughing?”. I put on my most unconvincing and deepest voice “err its Roy” (the Art & Design teacher). He said “Listen Roy, it probably sounds funny this but believe me its not, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone in the staff room about this ok?”. I was like “err yes Steve, no problem”, even though Roy was a top woolyback and I had a scouse accent. He then went back to his “ARRRRRRGGH” routine then proceeded to pull the entire bog roll off in one go, it sounded like some whirlwind when all the bog paper was coming off the wall. I just got up and legged it faster than I’d ever moved before, luckily avoiding a load of teachers on the way. Would loved to have seen him go up to Roy in the staff room and say “no one must ever hear of this” without Roy having any idea what he was going on about. The lads bogs in our school had very steep walls about 8/9 foot but you could climb up to the top and get over into the next one if you were agile enough . One of the locks on one of the cubicle doors went so every time the door got shut you would be stuck in there and they would have to get the caretaker to come out. If you had to wait ages for the caretaker you could try climbing up the walls but it was difficult with them being 8/9ft and nothing really to climb on so you would have to use both arms and legs at the same time to climb up pushing against the walls, a few people tried it but fell down and injured themselves. They fixed it twice but the handle always seemed to get snapped off. Anyway, some dirty bastard in the year above us smeared all his shit over the walls of this bog and the caretaker quite rightly refused to clean it off. We all got called to assembly and the Deputy Head demanded that someone own up, she was a very posh woman and said “someone has smeared huuuuuuman Excreeemmeent” over the walls of the toilet but everyone just burst out laughing she was like “It’s an OUUTTRAGGEE!!!” no one owned up. With the caretaker still refusing to clean it, the shit stayed on the walls and dried up. This lad who always used to grass people up for everything walked into the bogs and two of the school hard knocks grabbed him and shoved him in the cubicle and slammed the door shut, he was shouting saying “get the caretaker, I can’t get out” but everyone laughed and left him. I went to a Maths class that this lad was supposed to attend and the teacher was calling the register, she said “how come he is off, I saw him less than an hour ago”, a few people in the class started laughing as they knew what had happened to him. About 40 minutes into the lesson this lad opens the door of the classroom and stands there looking around like he’s making a grand entrance. He tells the teacher he got stuck in the toilet and climbed up the wall and out. He then comes to sit near me and another girl, I tell her that he’s probably covered in germs and is a bio-hazard, she scream and gets up and goes to the back of the class and shouts out “he’s covered in shit”. Everyone else gets up and moves away from him. The teacher goes over to him and says “Ugh, You stink, get out my class now”. He was then ordered to go home and have a shower and presumably burn his uniform. When I watched the Dark Knight Rises the prison that everyone tries to escape from reminded me of the bogs in my old school. Some lad who me and my mates didn’t like always used to go to the woodwork/metalwork shop at lunchtime. We always used to say that he was bumming the woodwork teacher and his assistant called Dave. He would go to avoid everyone and be a bad suck up to the teacher. We always used to wind him up and he used to go off his head. We got our parents reports to take home but this lad left his in his desk then stayed off sick for two days. Me and my mates managed to get hold of a few blank report sheets so wrote a blag one out and put it in with the rest of his reports and put it back in the envelope in his desk, so when he took it home he would be completely oblivious to anyone tampering with them. We wrote one out from the woodwork teacher saying “David is very good at making me relax at lunchtimes and lets me touch him when we are alone”. Then wrote on from the assistant Dave which said: “David gets into good positions on the woodwork table and dresses up in dungarees for me”. His Mum went ballistic and phoned the school up asking why the reports were perverted and didn’t focus on what he was learning. His Mum was a big drama queen so made a massive deal about how it was a Catholic school and they should not behave in such a way. It took about 60 phonecalls for them to be convinced that they were blag reports. We never owned up to it either. If that happened now there would be some huge Stuart Hall/Jimmy Saville outrage and it would be in the Daily Mail. All the books in our school used to get vandalised, with cocks and speech bubbles in the pictures. We had to read a book called the Silver Sword about someone who escapes from a Nazi Concentration camp, there is a picture of him clinging onto the underside of a train after escaping, but someone drew a picture of a cock on his head being dragged along the ground with red biro for blood spurting out. All the religious books got vandalised, there was one where Jesus is recruiting his disciples and a speech bubble says “Come with me and I will make you bummers of men”. The picture where Jesus is arrested and taken to Pontius Pilate says “I only arrested you because I fancy men with long beards, I hope you like men in uniforms”. Virtually every picture in the book had a cock drawn on it, even the crucifixion picture. My mate borrowed a book from the library which had loads of photos of dogs in it, he vandalised it and put it back, I looked at it during one lesson and there was a picture of two black Labradors, he had written in speech bubbles “Woof Woof, I am Purple Aki’s dog, Woof Woof I have AIDS”, again every other picture in the book had a cock drawn on it, two Alsatians even had cocks growing out of their mouths. One teacher was on a mission to hunt down the phantom cock drawer but didn't get far enough to examine people's cock drawing skills. We watched the 1981 film Excalibur in one of our lessons (god knows why). There is a sex scene in it where Arthurs father rips off his mothers clothes and bangs her senseless on a table while still having his knight outfit on. The teacher fast forwarded that part and everyone went “Sir, why cant we watch that?”. He then got called out about ten minutes later we rewound it back and watched it about 10 times. The headmaster came looking for the teacher who had left us to it and walked in on us rewinding the sex scene. I think the teacher got into shit about it, again if it happened today there would be a Daily Mail headline “teacher pollutes pupils minds by allowing them to watch porn”

Frankie Warren: Parents of missing office worker, 26, say she may have gone because she was upset at a recent haircut | Mail Online

Good game again last night, some decent football played by both teams. Was it just me or was it hot last night? I was sweating more than Leslie Grantham in PC World.

Judging by the responses of the Blues today I think they will be more upset than our fans if Suarez leaves as they'll have absolutely nothing to talk about next season. Also they will need another hate figure, looks like Steven Gerrard will pop back up on their radar now.