matt1983

Mate of mine sang that to his bride during his speech, and had prepared that some of the other lads stood up and joined in from around the room. Luckily I was an evening guest. They lasted 4 months.

I worked in a bar when Rhianna's Umbrella came out (the song, not her STI detector). Ear AIDS. Especially 5 times a night.

The Mrs truly despises that song. So it's alright by me.

I don't know how to post videos on my phone, but anything by The Feeling, The Script, Mumford and Sons or Snow Patrol. Almost any landfill indie from the 2004-9 era that managed to get 3 albums out of one song. Kooks, Pidgeon Detectives, Hoosiers...that sort of shite.

"We didn't deserve to lose," the Portuguese said. "Our opponent - in the period that they thought only of defence - managed to get a goal and there was a clear mistake from the referee. "I think it is a clear handball and penalty with the score at 0-0. "They played in a way that some call intelligent, some say is not fair play. They were taking time, calling for the medical department and drinking water like it is a basketball timeout." The balls on this guy.

Queen live at Wembley 86.

The Prodigy in 1997, accompanied by my mate's mum and dad as we were 14. We got well into it, they didn't. Bought a big tray of chips from a burger van and covered them in sugar and vinegar by mistake. The last one was Chas & Dave with work. Was threatened with expulsion at the interval.

Yeah- very interesting and enlightening. I was too young then to know about it and I've grown up with (I hope) relatively informed opinions on this sort of thing, so it's interesting to see how this was treated 25 years ago. The TV special where the 8 year old with HIV is crying to Magic was fucking heartbreaking.

Anyone watching The Announcement on BT Sport?

I can stay calm in a crisis

"So Turkey shot down the Russians? No one likes Russia anyway, they hog all the sunbeds"

Having seen discussions about appliances, thought it might be worth people checking this-turns out our new tumble dryer is affected and it's potentially a high price to pay. http://safety.hotpoint.eu/ModelChecker

The phrase "dog eat dog". I heard it on The Apprentice last night and had a rant about it, to rolled eyes from her indoors. It's a wanky Americanism that has crept in. There is a perfectly good British equivalent, "every man for himself". Use that and stop being a cunt.

All you can eat Chinese, followed by fat slags disco after, in the same venue. It's what God would have wanted us to do to celebrate his son's birth.

"I gained this morning, I put on a pound. It might have been that bottle of red wine...or that donut...or those cookies from Asda...or that KFC...I just didn't eat enough fruit last week"

There must be some new material to come?

Well he shouldn't be allowed near animals then

Me: "donut?" Her:"oh no, I can't" Me:"I thought you were allowed to eat anything you wanted?" Her:"yeah, but I need to eat fruit to counteract it". Jacamo will go bust if this gets out.

Bird at work:"I don't like weight watchers, I go slimming world. You can eat whatever you like and still lose weight! How does that work?!" Unless my eyes deceive me, it doesn't.

We moved house about 2 months ago and when we unpacked the baby's furniture there were a few broken bits so I didn't get his room set until about a month ago. I built it all, then set about making the most of the floorspace and logically setting the room up to do so, as you would. She came home and demanded it all changed to a different, nonsensical arrangement with a toy box needlessly in front of the radiator, guaranteed to be opened into the radiator every single time. We had a row about it, and I sweated my tits off moving it all around rather than see her struggle to do it. That's about 4 weeks ago. Got in from work at midnight last night and everything in there is back to the way I originally set it up, give or take a few mm here and there. Apparently it's not how I'd laid it out originally but she is quite proud of herself for making the most of the floorspace.

Turns out the new caretaker at work used to work where I got married,and...nope, still can't.

I'm sure I kept Mike Ashley in business the amount of rackets I used to break throwing at the wall in a temper. That said, I was never tempted to whack my mate as my policy was always to take my preferred shot on if he was in the way, in the "hope" that he'd be out of the way when the ball got to him. Nine times out of ten he wasn't. Serves him right.

"We're taking a call now from a man who thinks he may be a gay. I'm only using his first name to protect his identity, I'm going to Fernando in Little Okley...strange, he's hung up. Lovely little Tapas restaurant there."

About 3 minutes before I discovered this thread I was told a story so long and boring I can't even bring myself to type it out.

Male colleague: "I've been signed off for a week with a bad back" Female colleague: "is that because you're tall? You've got more of those...what do they call them..." Me: " vertebrae?" Her: " no that's like a snake. No, wait, that's an invertebrate" Me: " a snake is a vertebrate. It has a spine" Her: " no it doesn't, it's like a slug"