gkmacca

Kirkland seems even more delicate due to his strange penchant for short sleeved tops (what other keeper wears short sleeves? Is he HOT??? He's broken his fingers, his wrist and god knows what else. Most keepers wear padding on their elbows. So what does Chris do? He wears short sleeves. It's like Death Wish directed by John Inman.). Heskey limping again for no obvious reason - oh, the memories flood back.

Muller really would do nothing but score. They say certain players these days 'don't do much except score,' but Muller REALLY did nothing (except provide people with a stationary ad for bow-leggedness). A great goal scorer, though.

That Goofy lookalike Chris Kamara is acting like Slur Drinkalot's PR man on Sky today! He announced that he was sure the drunken buffoon 'didnt mean' to say anything bad about the ref, he insisted that Rooney didn't mean any harm with his wild two-footed lunge, he searched for any Pompey foul he deemed should have been booked and he even argued that their keeper hadn't meant to bring Baros down and so shouldn't have been sent off. By the time he'd finished I thought Pompey must have lost 5:0. What a twit that bloke is.

Some new shows coming up: Bascombe and Rash: Described as 'Saint and Greavsie rewritten by Strindberg,' the show will feature Chris and Rash attempting a number of crafty pranks which backfire badly, causing them to hold on to each other tightly and weep. Oldham's Not In Liverpool: Each week a C-list celebrity will knock on a door in a street near Melwood and ask, 'Is Dunk in?' If he isn't, they will have to donate a large sum of money to a Yorkshire-based charity. Well Parry'd: Rick Parry is asked a succession of questions, all of which he lets someone else answer while looking profoundlt morose.

Milan looked last night like one of those great boxers who've come back for one fight too many. They really looked empty.

Dave should always be on holding a fish. And never mention it.

Whoopee! Now Claire Rourke will be able to afford some shampoo and some contact lenses!

No, that's an AP report that came out over here earlier today. Other reports originating here suggest the process is still dragging on.

Us against St Etienne, us against Borussia, us against Bruges, us against Roma, us against Milan, many, many, more...I've been spoilt. We've been spoilt. Imagine if you'd been born a Colchester supporter.

Yes. Insua isn't thinking quite quickly enough when going forward - he shows good skill, gets himself into some terrific positions and then seems to panic or try to do too much, but he has great potential.

Yes, he's looked cool and calm and confident all season. I really feel optimistic about our reserve and youth squads. Spearing is another with real potential.

2-0: Harry Kewell suddenly regains some of his old pace and poise and scores the winner!

I quite like that. An ex-manager who still loves the club. I certainly prefer that to Souey's apparent indifference.

The Newcastle equivalent of our very own Mr Usher:

He was more likely to have been asking them to buy HIM a drink. He's hopeless with money.

I don't like keepers with tourettes. Tim Howard's medication looks like it's wearing off - he's twitching more and I fear it's only a matter of time before he suddenly chins the ref, smacks one of his own defenders and then runs around the pitch shouting 'Mnah, feg, monkey gah!' (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

I hate it whenever I see his grinning face among the subs during matches. I know there's always banter between players on the bench, but even at the tensest of times he seems oblivious to the action, laughing and chatting away in his own little world. Add to that the inability to turn up on time for training and the rumours of his sybaritic lifestyle, and it gets even more irritating. Oh yes, and he's a shite goalkeeper. He's been shambolic from start to finish.

He looks like a squashed Laurie Sanchez.

Chelski players having to be dragged away from the officials after - they get away with murder that classless bunch of creeps. Drogba ought to be sent off every other match for all of his invisible yellow card gestures and general ranting.

Mikel gets booked for a block - he's such a waste of space. Dirty, yet guileless. Ron Harris must love him.

Alternatively: Hey, this is easy!

Yes, hilarious.

Can't we show a bit of that old fashioned word, class? What's his son done to warrant several thousand people calling him every name under the s*n?

Ha ha, very accurate. Where did he get that accent, by the way? It's not a Preston accent.

If people around him had acted to get him some treatment during his playing days instead of indulging him as a simple clown he might have found some stability. He looked like he had tourettes back in his Spurs days. The bleak thing is he's in a worse state now than George Best used to be, because at least Best could do media work when he was off the sauce. Gascoigne can't do anything.