The Premier League is nuts this year and it’s virtually impossible to predict what’s going to happen from week to week. Ok, Leicester winning and Aston Villa losing is easy enough to call, but other than everything is up in the air.
Last weekend was crazy, with virtually all our rivals dropping points only for us to follow suit by crapping the bed at Newcastle, and this weekend was almost as mad, but not quite. United lost. Spurs lost. Chelsea lost. Everton drew. City almost, almost drew. And then we couldn’t beat West fucking Brom.
Arsenal won though, the bastards. But then they were playing Villa so that was as sure as night following day. I’ll get to that later and go in chronological order. Assuming chronological means the order in which they took place. I'll be honest, I don’t actually know what it means but I figured it would make me sound more intelligent, but then I had second thoughts about it in case I’d used it out of context and made myself look like a tool.
Anyway, the early game on Saturday was a strange one. Everton absolutely webbed Norwich everywhere in the first half at Carrow Road but only had a 1-0 lead to show for it. I almost switched off in disgust at half time as Norwich were that bad, but then Alex Neil made a substitution at the break and they equalised within minutes and should have gone on to win it, only for Cameron Jerome to produce of the worst misses of the season so far, the fucking Championship level bum.
The substitution that turned the game was a little worrying from our point of view. Andre Wisdom got hooked and the lad they brought on (Ryan Bennett) shut down Lukaku and also made the equaliser. Can’t see Andre seeing much action over the next few weeks now after this. Tell you what though, Wisdom’s head is fucking MASSIVE, he's like a Corinthian Micro Star figure. How have I not noticed this before? I’m usually right on the ball with this kind of thing.
Like the way I was right onto Deulefeu and shit floppy hair. I told you all last week I hate that cunt, and I hate him even more after this. He was hit on the head by a full back’s gloved hand and started screaming like he’d been set on fire. He was right next to the pitchside microphone so everyone watching on TV got onto it, although the scream was so loud they could have heard him in Ipswich. So, so embarrassing. At least it would be if these fellas had any shame whatsoever, but they don’t. They think this shit is acceptable. What a fucking fanny. The derby will be a right “cunt off” as Moreno is just as bad to be fair, he’s another screamer. Some proper shitbags in Spain isn’t there? Luckily for them they also have Xabi and his “stamping off a broken ankle” badass behaviour to redress the balance.
Finally on this one, John Ruddy isn’t playing, but get this, his replacement is called Rudd. How mad is that? We need to sign a back up called Mignole. In fact fuck that, we need to sign Mignolete…. See what I did there?
West Ham and Stoke played out a highly entertaining goalless draw in which both sides had plenty of chances to win. West Ham are really missing the injured Payet as they were flying when he was in the side. Stoke just need a centre forward really. Don’t we all though? Except City. And Everton. And Watford and Spurs. Oh, and Leicester of course. And Arsenal, although their fans will disagree the next time Giroud goes a game or two without scoring and they start crying about how he's "not good enough for Arsenal". Cunts. Anyway, the point is, aside from all those we all need a centre forward.
Moving across London now, and Bolasie caused complete havoc again as Palace beat Southampton in a cracking game at Selhurst. Palace were really good and deserved their 1-0 win but Southampton had a proper go and should have equalised with the last kick of the game but Long shot straight at the keeper.
Elsewhere, as expected, Man City beat Swansea City, but it was so, so close. The fucking spawny shit bastards. Tell you what was interesting though. Swansea left out Gomis and played a front three of Ayew, Routledge and Sigurdsson. This comes after Stoke went without a centre forward against them last week. Teams are taking Klopp’s blueprint and it’s working. City are having real problems with this set up and long may it continue, the rich pricks.
Swansea had the better chances but Bony scored with City’s first chance of the game. Swansea continued having the best of it and eventually Gomis came off the bench and scored a great equaliser in the last minute, sparking wild scenes of celebration in front of the away fans. It was no more than they deserved as City had done nothing apart from the goal, but the jammy twats then went up the other end and stole an undeserved win when Toure finally bothered his complacent, lazy arse into doing something and his hopeful shot hit one of his team-mates and wrong footed Fabianski. A real sickener this one as they deserved fuck all from that game.
There were empty seats all over the place and the atmosphere at City is as bad as any anywhere in the league. Some clubs just aren’t suited to being good I guess. City had been losers for so long they don’t know how to be winners and it seems like a pretty joyless existence being a City fan nowadays. Even when they won the title a couple o years ago they didn’t seem that arsed. Success is wasted on them. They don’t have the passion or colour that we have when we’re good, or the sneering arrogance and superior attitude of United either for that matter. They just don’t know how to be one of the big boys. Knobheads.
Moving on, and Sunderland lost at home to Watford as Ighalo did the damage once again. Every week he seems to have three or four good chances, most of which he makes for himself. He’s a proper handful him and he’s got 10 for the season already. Sunderland had chances to equalise, mostly through Defoe, but they couldn’t put the ball in the net and they’re still in the bottom three despite clear improvement in their performances since Fat Sam got there.
The Saturday evening game was a belter. I don’t usually watch many live games, mainly because I don’t have sky, but I’ve got my mate’s log in now so if there’s one that tickles my fancy I’ll fire up the laptop and tune in. I’d watched Bournemouth beat Chelsea last week so figured I’d have another look at them as they played United. They only went and did it again didn’t they!
There’s three things I took from this game:
1) Bournemouth really deserve to stay up because of how hard they work for each other and because they play attractive football. The easy thing to do for a side of their limited resources is to play “Pulis-ball” but they aren’t resorting to that, they’re fun to watch. They’re easy to root for aren’t they? There’s an awful lot to like about them, especially when they’re turning over the likes of United and Chelsea.
2) Where did United find all these jabronis they keep sending out each week? A few years ago I always used to reference the “nomark conveyor belt” that Norwich had, where every week they’d churn out some other identikit loser who no-one had ever heard of. Then Villa swiped it from them and it looks like the mancs have now copied it and built one of their own. I was going to say it looked like a League Cup team, but I don’t want to offend the League Cup. They’re utterly reliant on a 20 year kid up front. Fergie must be turning in his grave. Or seething in front of his armchair like Father Jack.
I know they’ve got injuries but there’s no excuse for all these bums they’re sending out. Sometimes teams will field a load of young players because they’re shit hot. Ferguson did it with the “class of 92” and Wenger had that spell when his league cup teams would be packed with boss young players. This is different though. These lads Van Gaal is sending out aren’t there because they’re great prospects, it’s because they’ve got nobody else.
3) Van Gaal is 100% trolling United fans now. Fellaini had scored and looked a threat every time the ball came in the box. So Van Gaal subbed him. He had Ashley Young on the bench and the travelling mancs actually took time out from signing about us to chant for his introduction. Van Gaal gave them some slapdick called Perreira or something instead. Then with five minutes of stoppage time left, he delivered the final “eff you” when at 2-1 down he sent on…… Phil Jones! Trolling of the highest order, well played sir.
Someone else at United is trolling the fans too by briefing the press about all these players they’re going to sign. In the last seven days alone I’ve seen reports that they’re buying Neymar, Bale, Ronaldo, Lewandowski and even Suarez. They could sign all of them and within 12 months they’d be at PSG before you can say “didn’t fit with Van Gaal’s style”.
Onto Sunday, and although it wasn’t a great day for us, it was worse for Spurs. 1-0 up and seemingly cruising against Newcastle, only to then concede twice in the last 15 minutes. At least now people might shut up about how “impressive” and “resolute” this “new” Spurs team are. They hadn’t lost since the opening day but they don’t win that many either do they? Until they prove otherwise, they’re still Spurs.
Arsenal won of course, cruising to a 2-0 result at Villa Park against Remi Garde’s sorry arse collection of skidmarks. Alan Hutton conceded a needless early penalty, converted by Giroud, and Ramsay wrapped it up before half time on the counter. The second half was a stroll for Wenger’s side who went top of the league for 24 hours. Villa are six points adrift at the bottom already and we’re only in December.
Garde dismissed the result and said “it’s not about the games against Arsenal and the top teams, it’s about the games against those around us”. Really? As it’s Star Wars week I’ll quote wise old Jedi Master Yoda: “That is why you fail”. That and the fact they’re complete and utter turd. Bournemouth have just picked up six straight points against Chelsea and United, while Newcastle have done likewise by beating us and Spurs. Garde is talking through his arse if he thinks the games against the top sides don’t matter to Villa. Those bums won’t win another game…..
….until they play us, obviously.
This weekend defo saved the best til last though didn’t it? Monday Night Football. The league leaders against the defending Champions. Title contenders against relegation candidates. Ranieri against Mourinho. And it was fucking ace. A Chelsea win would probably have been better for us, but fuck that, I wanted Leicester to wipe the floor with them and was made up they took the three points. You have to be dead inside to not enjoy Chelsea defeats and even though Leicester opened up an eleven point gap over us I really enjoyed this.
I was just thinking, if Jerome had buried that sitter against Everton and if Swansea hadn’t been beaten by that spawny stoppage time deflection at City, Chelsea would actually be in the bottom three now. That’s how bad they’ve been. They’re an even bigger story than Leicester this season, albeit for vastly different reasons.
Vardy and Mahrez did the damage but the biggest problem Mourinho had was his own players quitting on him. Quite literally in the case of Hazard. There’s no way he was injured by that Vardy challenge. He was defo faking that and Mourinho knew it, that’s why he was telling him to get back out there and why he said sarcastically afterwards “It must be very serious”. Hazard was number one suspect for me in the whole “I’d rather lose than win for Mourinho” thing the other week, and this adds further fuel to that. Sly little bastard.
Mourinho’s post match interview was maybe his best yet. Legendary stuff. “Last season I did phenomenal work. Sometimes I find myself thinking that last season I did such an amazing job I brought players to a level that is not their level and, if this is true, I brought them to such a level where this season they couldn’t keep the super motivation to be leaders and champions. That is one possibility.” To be fair that’s brilliant. You’ve got to admire such levels of delusion, arrogance and general twattishness. I can only imagine what the likes of John Terry and Diego Costa think about that.
He also said that Leicester’s ballboys were “a disgrace to the Premier League” because of their time wasting. No self awareness whatsoever. That’s right up there with James McLean calling Klopp “a bit of an idiot” that is. Football eh? Can’t wait to see what this weekend brings….
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