Saturday Aug 4…
L 5 Napoli 0 Holy shit we’re fucking good. We’re not even at full throttle yet, not even close, yet look what we’re doing. The goals are being spread around too. The front three are easing themselves back in but everyone else is chipping in. How do you stop us when virtually everyone is a threat?
Van Dijk, Shaqiri, Moreno, Milner, Gini, Sturridge, Ojo, Kent, Wilson… everyone has been getting in on it. Except Solanke and Origi of course. Solanke just can’t catch a break, every shot he has seemed to hit the keeper, while Origi is just… man, he does my fucking head in. How can someone with all of those attributes be so fucking useless?
We look great though, and we’ve still got players coming back. Lovren and Hendo aren’t even back yet and Bobby has only been here a few days. We might not be at full strength for the opening game but it shouldn’t even matter, because whatever side we do put out looks like it could fucking run riot. Even the kids look boss.
Sunday Aug 5…
So Everton finally managed to sign someone and it turns out he has “I never walk alone” tattooed on his chest. Just for good measure, he turned up to his medical wearing the biggest, brightest, reddest pair of trainers you’ve ever seen. Michael Ball will be turning in his grave.
Not a good start for the lad, but someone obviously had a word with him as in his first interview he accused our fans of being mad at him because he turned us down twice. Yeah lad, we’re really, really pissed off that you knocked us back twice and we’ve ended up with Andy Robertson and you’ve ended up at Goodison. Fucking hell.
It beats the shit that Richarlison came out with about how he “followed Everton on TV” when he was a kid. Fuck me, the very idea that a lad growing up in Brazil would be tuning in to watch Tony Hibbert and Yakubu is surely even too far fetched for the Blues to swallow.
Monday Aug 6…
It’s all going pear shaped at Chelsea. Courtois fails to report back because he wants to join Madrid, while Willian tells ESPN Brazil that Mourinho is his mate, the best manager he’s played for and that he’d love to work with him again. Makes sense. He’s 30 in a few days, wants one last big pay day and who is more accommodating in those situations than good ol’ Jose?
Speaking of the devil, "Liverpool are buying everything and everybody. If we don't make our team better it will be a difficult season for us."
This is so fucking tiresome. We’ve bought FOUR players and one of them cost £13m from a relegated team. This tool is acting as though we’re doing a Man City, or a Chelsea when he was first there. By the time we sell all the dead wood our spending will be around £50m this summer, which is fuck all considering we made £70m from the CL run and £140m for selling Phil.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about the low net spend, I’m really not even remotely interested in what we spend as long as the manager is being backed with whatever he needs (and he definitely is), I’m just making a point about this bullshit narrative being peddled by Mourinho and some of the media. I mean what is Klopp supposed to do, not spend any of the money he brought in??
Meanwhile, Lovren reports back to Melwood with a skinhead. Mo filmed him meeting up with the lads again and you can distinctly hear big Virg saying “the best defender in the world!”. He’s never going to live that down is he? Lovren doesn’t give a fuck though, I reckon half the shit he says now is to wind up the rest of the lads.
Tuesday Aug 7…
L 3 Torino 1 Decent way to sign off the pre-season. It looked like we were holding back quite a bit, which is sensible. The front three didn’t quite click but they were so close on so many occasions. Just that final pass not quite coming off. I’m happy about that though, let them save it for Sunday.
Bit worrying that we missed another pen. Fabinho arrived with a reputation as someone who never misses. First one he gets for us he can’t even hit the target. Typical. Good decision by Michael Oliver to give it though, as Sadio didn’t go down and usually that means no pen. Tell you what though, Oliver is not giving that this weekend. Not a fucking chance.
Sturridge looked great again, as did Shaqiri who I can see quickly becoming my favourite player the way he’s going. I love him, he’s boss. He could be a real difference maker this season, that x-factor who comes off the bench and changes a game, although I’d probably start him behind the front three in every home game against everyone outside the top six too.
Wednesday Aug 8…
The Blues are close to signing Brazilian winger Bernard. I’m sure we were linked with him a few years ago, but like so many Brazilians he ended up chasing the cash in Russia. Now he’s wanting a slice of Moshiri’s Millions it seems. Well let’s face it, there is literally no other possible explanation for it.
It’s funny, because the Echo are trying to convince people that he’s turned down Chelsea to go to Everton. Sorry, Chelsea might be in a bit of a state right now but no-one in their right mind is going to Everton over them.
Richarlison seems happy about it, talking up what a good player and sound lad he is. Not sure how Richarlison would know, it’s not like he’s ever played for Brazil. Bernard has, he’s got 14 caps so this is regarded as a bit of a coup for the Blues, but you have to wonder why a 25 year old Brazil international available for free doesn’t have any better offers than Everton.
Richarlison also promised Evertonians that he has a special celebration lined up for when he scores his first goal. “My dancing is good, I will do the pigeon dance as promised when I score my first goal”. No excuse for not nailing it, as based on his record at Watford he’ll have about six more months to practice before anyone ever sees it.
He also had this to say: “Last season we finished 8th, so I think we should aim higher - having a wonderful season, achieving great things”. So 7th then. Great, they can release another DVD “The Magnificent 7th…. rides again”.
As for Bernard though, hopefully for Everton’s sake it goes better than the last deal they had lined up for a superstar Brazilian. Remember Muller when he discovered the salary they'd offered him wasn't tax free? It went a li'l sum'n like this...
Thursday Aug 9…
Deadline day. Quiet for us, other than Ings going to Southampton. Klopp’s farewell message to him on the club website was really touching. Not every player gets that and it’s telling that Ings did. Everyone at the club loves him because he’s such a top lad who went through a lot.
He’s a really good player and a couple of years ago he’d have been able to hold down a place here, but we’ve moved on to a level where you need to be shit hot to get a game. Maybe if the injuries had never happened he could have reached that level but we’ll never know because he lost two years of his career. I hope he tears shit up for Southampton and gets back in the England squad.
Meanwhile, seems the Blues were busy rummaging through Barcelona’s dustbins again. That’s three Barca cast offs they’ve picked up this summer and they’ve spent shitloads on getting them. I’ve never heard of the fella they signed on loan, but Mina did well at the World Cup so they’ll have high hopes for him. Here’s the thing though, if he was actually any good he’d have better clubs than Everton in for him.
United didn’t get anyone in after being rejected by Godin and Boeteng, and Spurs and Leicester telling them to get to fuck with their efforts to sign Alderweireld and Maguire. Why were they just fixating on getting a centre half? They need more than that. Like a manager.
Then there’s Spurs, who became the first side since 2003 to not sign ANYBODY in a summer window. Mad that. Just shows you how fucked they are after building that new stadium. By the time they can spend again they might have dropped out of the top four, and if that happens let’s see how long they hold on to Kane, Alli, Eriksen and Lloris.
Meanwhile, he’s STILL talking about us, the soft cunt. “My view is that first of all it's difficult for me to believe we finished second,” he said. “When I listen, when I read, it's difficult to believe we finished second because you are capable of making people who finish second (sound like we) were relegated. You are capable of making people who win nothing and finish below us look like serial winners. It's difficult for me to believe we finished second”.
Its difficult for everyone else to believe it too based on watching the regular shit sandwiches you served up. You know why us and Spurs don’t get shit off the media though? Because we play football. Being entertaining and attacking and trying to win games earns you a fair bit of slack. Being a massive shithouse, stifling all the flair out of some hugely talented and expensive attackers, and serving up dire football on a weekly basis won’t win you friends, especially when you also happen to be the most unlikeable man in the whole of football. Something to think about.
Friday Aug 10…
More comedy involving Everton today. According to Marca, Barcelona should erect a monument to honour Everton after the money the Blues sent their way for their three worst players. This is great, you’ve got Everton fans talking about how Barca is their feeder club now and that “we buy our players from Barca, the redshite sell them theirs”.
They’re incredible. They have no idea how much of a laughing stock they are. Barcelona are laughing their cocks off at Everton, and so is everyone else. I mean listen to this shit that was force-fed to Bernard: “'They are historically among the four most successful clubs in England”. Fucking hell! The likes of Preston and Blackpool are probably in the top ten too, but I doubt their new signings are forced to trot that out when they face the media.
I used to think this shit was funny, but now it just irritates me that they don’t see just how fucking sad they are. How do they not know what a joke they are?
Just catching up on Klopp’s defence of John Achterberg yesterday. Has there ever been a Liverpool employee given as raw a deal as Achterberg? He gets so much shit and people are constantly saying he’s crap at his job and should be fucked off, and yet realistically, what does anybody actually know about him or what he does?
He’s accused of making every keeper we’ve had worse. It’s debatable if that’s even the case, but if it was could it not just be that they didn’t have what it takes mentally to deal with the unique pressure of being our goalie? Or in Pepe’s case he just got fat and lazy?
Managers have come and gone and every single one of them has kept him on their staff despite making loads of other changes. Klopp fucking loves him. Yet the #LFCFamily hate him and think he’s terrible at his job, despite having no clue whatsoever what that job actually entails. It’s one of the more bizarre things of recent years when you actually sit and think about it.
Klopp works with the fella every day and he knows a thing or two about what makes a good coach. Yet ‘scousertommy69’ on Twitter says he’s fucking shit. It’s batshit crazy. (to be clear, I made that up, apologies if there’s a ‘scousertommy69’ and he isn’t a bad whopper).
Meanwhile, in his press conference today Klopp said we’re Rocky Balboa and City are Ivan Drago. Fucking hell, I was already more fired up for this season than I have been in decades, but now I’m ready to run to Anfield right now and start punching my way through the Main Stand wall to get to my seat.
Let’s fucking do this Redmen!!!
Until next time then…
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