Welcome back footy, I wish I could say that I’ve missed you, but opening weekend served only to remind just how thoroughly depressing this game can be at times. We shit the bed at Watford and every other result went against us, aside from Chelsea's but I'll get to that in due course.
It started off in all too predictable fashion on Friday night with Arsenal coming from behind to win it late with a goal from Giroud. It was the perfect start for Sky having a seven goal thriller and also a dream beginning for Gunners new man Lacazette who scored with his first touch just a minute into the game.
Arsenal’s joy was short lived as Japanese Dirk equalised and then Vardy levelled with a close range finish after a buffet ball from Albrighton. Welcrap got Arsenal back on terms after a spawny ricochet fell to him but Leicester hit back to lead again when Vardy rose like a salmon to head home.
You know, it’s not really fashionable to say this, but Jamie Vardy is fucking brilliant. He’s got great striker’s instincts, he can finish, he runs like an Olympic sprinter, he’s good in the air, sharp as fuck and never stops running. I feel like this gets lost on a lot of people because he’s such a little scrote and has a weasel-like face, but if you can get past that (and I realise it's not easy) he’s ace and I like watching him. I know it’s a cliché but if he was South American everyone would buzz off him.
At this point it was all going so well for those of us hoping to kick the new season in style with an Arsenal Fan TV meltdown, but then Ramsay made it 3-3 with eight minutes to go and we all knew what coming next, especially Leicester who seemed to just be standing around waiting for the executioner’s axe. Sure enough, a couple of minutes later Giroud rose highest to plant a header into the top corner.
“What a great game” everyone said. Fuck that, nothing great about Arsenal winning in stoppage time. You can keep your seven goal thrillers if this is the outcome. Give me the worst game in the world with them losing to a goal then went in off Wes Morgan’s big arse any day.
I saw a load of Reds on twitter having a great laugh at Arsenal’s shitty defence when they were trailing, and even after they went on to win it people were still sneering about their backline. Foolish and asking for trouble when you’re team defends the way we do. I kept my mouth shut because we were the next Premier League game after the Arsenal one. Only six goals in this one, but three of them went in the wrong end.
Obviously Sky were buzzing about the two goalfests they’d brought us, but what happened to us at Watford put me on such a downer that the shock news Chelsea were 3-0 down at home to Burnley didn’t even bring even the slightest hint of enjoyment or satisfaction. I’ll get to Chelsea in due course though.
The best part of opening weekend for me is seeing the newly promoted clubs for the first time and not only assessing how they look, but counting how many of their players I’ve actually heard of. The benchmark is three; if I know more than that then I feel like I’m doing well.
It’s rarely the case though, (unless it’s someone like Newcastle who were recently in the top flight and still have a lot of players we’re all familiar with) and when it’s one of those teams that come from nowhere to gain promotion, fuggedaboutit. Hell, it took me a good couple of years before I could tell you three Bournemouth players, and even then it was only because they bought two of our cast offs.
I only knew one of the Huddersfield team, Tom Ince, who co-incidentally is another of our cast offs, which tells me I don’t really watch much footy outside of the Reds. Ince didn’t do much, but the baldy number ten on the left had a storming game. I might even be able to remember his name by January if he keeps this up.
An own goal from Joel Ward gave the new boys a dream start and Mounie then headed them into a 2-0 lead as he took advantage of some woeful defending from Palace. There’s a Mamadou Sakho shaped hole in that backline, although maybe I'm lobbing stones from inside my big glass house there…
More bad defending saw Mounie bag a second after the break and that’s how it finished. Hell of a day for Klopp’s mate and his team. I’m pleased for them and not just because it was Frank the Bore getting it shoved right up him. What’s my beef with him, you ask? He had a moan about my boy Grujic in pre-season, so he’s on the list, the cunt.
I’ve got a feeling that Huddersfield might surprise a few people this season and survive with a bit to spare, like how Bournemouth have done since they were promoted. I hope so anyway.
As for Palace, I’ve got my thoughts on them and where they will finish, but I’ll keep them to myself for now seeing how we play them at the weekend. One thing I will say is that De Boer is trying to play Ajax football with a group of players that have been playing for Sam Allardyce. That can’t work, can it? It’s like Van Gogh trying to paint the Mona Lisa using fucking crayons.
It wasn’t such a good day for the other newly promoted side in action. To be fair, Brighton had a much tougher task than Huddersfield and were predictably worn down in the end by Man City, who spent more on full backs this summer than I imagine Brighton have spent on anything in their entire existence, and they’ve built about three fucking stadiums.
Brighton somehow kept it close for 70 minutes but Aguero eventually broke the deadlock and then one of the Brighton defenders got up and powered a header past his own keeper to make it 2-0. Not much else to say other than David Silva looks fucking weird with a skinhead.
Oh, and in case you were wondering how many Brighton players I knew. None. That’ll still be the case next week too, as none of them did anything to stick in the memory.
Other than assessing the new boys, the next best thing in the opening weeks of the season is seeing players in teams I had no idea they’d joined. Over the summer the only transfer news I pay attention to us is that involving us, and obviously I’m aware of any big money deals that get lots of attention, but I had no idea for example that Burnley had signed Jack Cork. Going from Swansea to Burnley must be like switching from a Mac to a Commodore 64.
Cork made his debut at Stamford Bridge against the club where he started out, and no-one could have foreseen how it would turn out, with the Clarets leading 3-0 at half time. It all started to go wrong for the Champions when Cahill was sent off after just 15 minutes. Difficult one this, as it looked a bad tackle, it high and he was lunging. He didn’t look to make any contact but the Burnley lad sold it well and given how close the ref was to it and the view he had, I don’t think he had much choice.
It’s one of those where if the ref only gives a yellow, they’ll analyse it on MOTD and one pundit will say it should have been red and the other will say it wasn’t, and might go with some well worn soundbite like “not quite a red but more than a yellow, so an orange card for me, Gary!” and then they’ll all chuckle.
Speaking of chuckling, as Cahill made his way off the pitch there were a couple of Chelsea fans behind the bench, a fella and his missus, both laughing their heads off without a care in the world. Acting like they’re at the theatre or something. It’s easy to ridicule Chelsea for this because them and Arsenal seem to have more of these fuckers than anyone else, but it just gets me down seeing how football is now.
Imagine, you’re at the game, the first one of the season no less, and your captain gets sent off after 15 minutes. Would you be sat there, shades resting on your head, laughing without a care in the world? Modern football in a nutshell right there.
Fabregas then went into the book for conceding a free-kick and then sarcastically applauding the ref. File this one away with any knob who takes his top off after a goal or who kicks the ball away after giving away a foul. You do that, you KNOW you’re getting booked, and Fabregas has been around the block enough times to know better. It would cost him later in the game too when he picked up a second yellow and left his team with only nine men. Soft get.
By that time Burnley were well in the ascendancy thanks to first half goals from Vokes (who got two) and an absolute belter from Ward. Chelsea’s defence was all over the place without Cahill, and you have to wonder what they’re playing at in letting Zouma go out on loan.
Morata pulled one back and then went from hero to villain when he tapped in a goal bound effort from Christensen which meant it was ruled out for offside. Fabregas then lunged in and got himself sent off, yet even with only nine men Chelsea still almost came back as Luiz pulled them within one but they ran out of time.
Burnley can fuck off though. Dyche did my head in last season, the little England prick, and now that they’ve signed Jon Walters I just want the fuckers relegated.
They sold Andre Gray to Watford so they’re a striker light, and I wonder if we might see Ings go back there on loan before the window shuts? I’d be in favour of that if it were not for one thing. Divock Origi. Could we not just loan him out instead?
Here’s the thing, and I’m not just saying this because they lost to Burnley. Chelsea were brilliant last season and were worthy champions, but I was always wondering just how they were doing it. That team on paper didn’t look anything special and I figured it would only be a matter of time before opponents figured out their three at the back system and how to get at them. It never really happened, but maybe now it will, particularly as they no longer have Matic helping Kante to protect them?
Conte doesn’t seem happy at all and there are constant murmurings about him being at odds with the club over transfer policy. Costa has gone awol and even if Morata does well I don’t think he is going to be able to bring as much to the team as Costa did. The top four this season is going to be anyone’s guess. City will be in it - they’ll probably win the whole thing - but you can make a fairly strong argument that Chelsea, Spurs or ourselves could drop out of it and be replaced by Arsenal or United. Hopefully it won’t be us but I don’t like our chances if we don’t bring in one or two.
One thing I’m not worried about, despite the views of several pundits who for some reason are talking them right up, is us being overtaken by Everton. They lost their top goalscorer and they will almost certainly lose their second best attacking player too before the window closes. They’ve signed a few, but when you replace your star man with a load of bang average players and an over the hill scouse striker it doesn’t tend to end well, just ask Brendan.
Spudhead at least got off to a better start than poor old Rickie did though, scoring on his homecoming as the Blues beat sorry Stoke 1-0. The Rooney thing really make me laugh. He left at 17, gave the best years of his career (13 of them!) to a club that is *supposed* to be a rival and then comes back when his legs have gone and he wasn’t wanted by anyone else. AND THEY TREAT HIM LIKE A RETURNING HERO!! It’s fucking mad.
Stoke though, fucking hell. Their only new signings were Zouma (on loan) and Darren Fletcher. They’ve also brought back Bojan, which is just weird as I could never figure out why they sent him out on loan in the first place. Imagine the sum total of your summer business being Darren fucking Fletcher though. Christ, not even FSG would try and sell that to the fans.
Elsewhere, West Brom have a new centre half and - no surprise here - he’s fucking massive. I’m off to see what odds I can get on the cunt scoring against us. He scored the only goal of the game against Bournemouth, from a set-piece, naturally. Pulis said afterwards “we’re not a possession team”. Fucking Captain Obvious over there.
They’ve also signed Jay Rodriguez. When did that happen? The poor bastard, a few years ago he was on the radar of us and Spurs, then he gets that knee injury, missed out on the World Cup and ends up signing for Tony Pulis. Glenn Hoddle reckons misfortune befalls people because of sins in a previous life. Kinell, I reckon Jay Rodriguez must be the reincarnation of Ghengis Khan.
Rodriguez’s former club are now managed by ‘the Long Pork Sausage’, Mauricio Pellegrino. I’ll never tire of writing that. I wonder if it’s too late for me to adopt that as my nickname too? I guess there's a chance it could catch on, as long as all of my ex birds keep schtum anyway.
Aaaaaanyway, Southampton got rid of Claude Puel even though he finished 8th and reached a cup final. Apparently he was too boring and the team didn’t score enough goals. Pellegrino’s first game ended 0-0, so I don’t like his chances.
Tell you what though, fair play, Southampton’s kit is brilliant, it’s like the old Keegan kit of the 80s. We should slap in a bid for it, just for a laugh.
Onto Sunday, and I’ll gloss over the Mancs because I’m adopting the same policy as last season and not watching them when they win. Even if I had been tempted to have a sneak peak, Lukaku and Pogba both getting on the scoresheet would have put paid to that. Defo not watching those two fucking knobheads with their shitty preening celebrations.
The Pogba hype train has flown out of the station at break neck speed just because of one decent game against risible opponents. Apparently Matic being there will turn Pogba into a superstar. Riiiiight. If he needs a crab like Matic to make him look good, then he ain't no fucking superstar.
My first hot take of the season is that West Ham are shite and will get relegated this year.
Finally, Spurs got off to winning start but they didn’t have it all their own way against Rafa’s Newcastle. It was tight and cagey, until Shelvey showed once again that he’s a strong contender for the thickest player to ever lace up a pair of boots and needlessly got himself sent off for stamping on Alli.
Rafa looks like he’s on borrowed time at St James’ now as he’s at war with Mike Ashley over transfers. I know, I was shocked too, I mean who could have foreseen this scenario?
Anyway, Spurs are well balanced, strong, play excellent football, have a great coach and in Harry Kane and Deli Alli have the best front duo in the league. What they don’t have is White Hart Lane, or a big enough squad. Playing at Wembley is going to be tough because for half of the teams in the league who have never played there before, it’s going to feel like a cup final.
So while I’d struggle to argue against Spurs being the most well rounded team in the league, that doesn’t mean they’ll win anything. They scored the most goals last season and conceded the fewest, which for me is as much of a barometer of how good a team is as points gained.
They’ve not done any strengthening so far, but the only player they lost is Kyle Walker, and as I’ve said before there is nothing or nobody in this world that could ever convince me that he is anything other than bang average. Being fast doesn’t automatically mean you’re a good full back. Maybe someone can get that message to Jurgen so we can get Milner back in at left back.
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