Harry Squatter

When I worked away in Cambridge there were about 7 of us all from Liverpool living down there so we would more often than not socialise. There was one woman from Southport with us who never bought one round in the entire time we were there and would always turn up like a bad smell, even if she wasn’t invited. First week we were there she got me to buy a treble vodka and had it for 2 hours, I went the bar every 30 minutes for my own drink while she was sitting there yet she never offered to buy me one back. People got wise to her after she would cadge double vodkas or large white wines off them in similar circumstances. We were in some pub and we sitting on a balcony in blazing sunshine and everyone was downing drinks, I told the rest of them to time how long it would take to see if she bought a drink, we timed her and it took her 25 minutes to drink half a glass of white wine before it was her round. She then sat there for the rest of the night without getting up to go the bar. Everyone just got up and bought 2/3 pints each and left her out – she then went the bar and got her own with a massive face on. After this we'd all go out and leave her standing on her own whilst we got a round in, you could tell she was annoyed that we ignored her but never had any cheek to moan about it. She would just sit there with the same drink all night even if it was a shot of Vodka. One time we all went to Ely for a meal and she phoned this fella in our group asking if we could hang on 20 minutes as she had finished the late shift, we all hung on for her but she even went back to the hotel miles away first to get ready before turning up an hour later. When she turned up she didn’t like anything on the menu and said she was just going to get a takeaway – so we were all Hank Marvin waiting and she just decides she’ll get Chicken Fried Rice from the chippy. I was fuming and told her that she was taking the piss out of us but she just stormed off and went back to the hotel while I ate my Haddock & Chips at 10.30 pm. Another time all of us went out for a curry and I specifically said “don’t invite her and don’t tell her where we’re going” but one of the others who felt sorry for her was weak and betrayed us. She turns up late (again), doesn’t drink and only has a main yet moaned when we split the bill 7 ways, saying she was only putting in £10, I pointed out that she got £30 expenses every day so why was she moaning. Also you would have to submit a receipt to claim your money back yet she wanted to claim her full £30 whilst getting a copy of the bill but only putting in a tenner!. She believed that it was the principle of her only ordering one meal while loads of us had drunk a few pints of Cobra and she had had one coke, I shamed her and said in a packed curry house “yes but you’ll get the full amount back, we aren’t here to make you money” Eventually she caved in but had a sulk on for the rest of the night before disappearing back to the hotel. I got accused of being a bully by trying to exclude her from the rest of us but I just said I hadn’t had a problem with her as long as she doesn’t take the piss out of us. She lived with her brother in Southport and both their parents were dead, they owned a massive house there which was worth at least £450K which was paid off and she drove a battered old Nissan Micra that looked like it couldn’t travel ten miles, let alone the distance between Southport and Cambridge. We used to clean up on the petrol claims and everything was paid for while we were down there but she still wanted to be a mingebag even with her expenses. I’d dread being stuck in the same hotel as her as she could never take a hint that she was disliked or not wanted. She bought our boss a bottle of vodka and some chocolates for his birthday and claimed the chocolates back on expenses, she forgot that he had to check the receipts before they could be authorised - he was shaking his head for about 2 hours bewildered at her stinginess.

The press conferences are going to be hilarious, plus if something fucks up he'll try and blame one of the players publicly. Wonder what his tactics will be when England are losing 2-0 to France with 30 minutes to go? Hasn't he also got to go to Norway for a friendly?. I'm sure members of their press will love him after his outburst saying "that's another country i'd never work in"

Lad my brother knew would always go to poker nights at various friends houses, he wouldn't bet even when they played until 4am. He'd just sit on the sofa and smoke ciggies. Bit weird not bothering to bet when going to a gathering where people play cards all night but it was a cheap night out for him because he would scrounge 2 ciggies off each person present which was normally ten people, so he'd smoke a whole pack of ciggies for nothing. He'd never bring his own beer and if he did he'd buy the cheapest shite possible and put it in the fridge with everyone elses but take other people's as to him it would be like a beer kitty. He walked out with someone's Zippo lighter once but the person he nicked it off gave him a good punch to the face and he stopped going. He started seeing one of my female friends about a year after this and she is a good laugh and always gets pissed, I'd see her out in the pub bladdered and he was always sat there either without a drink or just a coke. She said he had stopped drinking after a "family bereavement" and made her feel guilty for being pissed so much, he'd always have a face on if he had to buy her a drink. She fucked him off soon after his enforced break from drinking. Dunno why she ever went out with him as she is a good laugh and has absolutely massive tits. I saw him not long after the zippo incident in a paper shop reading the sunday papers without going to the till to buy one, after I bought one, went home I had forgotten to get some milk so went back again and he was still there reading another paper. The shopkeeper then said "are you going to buy one of them?". He just put them down and walked out.

As you've already said, they are fine, I knew that already. Yes, take your dog to a Casino, get him to play loads of card games and you'll have enough cash to buy one. I don't think you'll qualify as the Disability Act doesn't extend to canines.

You've got it completely wrong, I didnt say "wouldn't it be great if his kid is disabled" I never wished a disability on his kid, I just made the point that he seemed to think it was funny that kids have Autism and a clip round the ear would sort it all out. I made the point that it would be ironic if he had a child who suffered from such a condition and he thought a clip round the ear would sort it out and see how funny it is then. I would never wish a disabled child on anyone as I know a lot of parents of kids with disabilities and know how hard and heartbreaking it is for them.

I'm in

the film would have been more fun if there were loads of sharks attackin the lifeboats but i suppose you'd get some titanic 'expert' saying that this never took place.

Perverts. One of the managers in my place was sacked for persistent perving. Any new bird that started he'd find out her name and try to flirt with on email without even meeting her. Pinched loads of birds arses on nights out and whispered 'i've got a fucking massive cock' into the ear of some new admin bird on her first day. Whilst playing for the cricket team he started lusting over all the 14 yr old girls who were coming out of the school opposite the pitch. His wife wasnt best pleased when she found out about his antics as she worked on the same floor as his intended 'targets'. Pervs are all liabilites who cant concentrate on their work and always end up getting filled in by annoyed boyfriends or husbands.

Women in their 50's. All the women i've worked with in this age group have all been nosey 2 faced gossips who seem to use any excuse to do fuck all work.

Scallies. Most can't even string 2 sentences together, probably type official documents in text talk, want to nick stuff, lazy, take drugs, threaten to batter or get someone to batter anyone who makes them do something they disagree with. My mate was in charge of 10 scall admin officers who turned up to work reeking of pot and wearing lacoste trackies. He gave one a final warning about his punctuality and was threatened by this lad that him and his mates would get him after work if he got sacked.

That wasn't really what we meant. Just the fact that he seems to have a laugh about it, how would he cope if he was personally affected?

some of the liverpool players at this years woodison derby should write a letter of complaint to Everton for being left out of the cointhrowing and bottle lashing. I don't think it's fair that Carroll, Bellamy and Suarez get stuff lashed at them and the others don't. Surely this detracted from their 'experience'?. Especially as some of them were playing there for the first time.

his 'cutting edge' humour mainly consists of calling women slags, berating them for having massive fannies and telling them to clean the house. It would be ironic as you say that he ends up with a disabled child.

Noos should be able to apply for special funding to run a fruit and veg stall. As he has bad aids running the stall could prolong his life like it did with Mark Fowler. We'll still have a few years to laugh at him on here as well.

and if you say you are going to play them can't be arsed turning up you should be kicked to death in the goalmouth the time you next play. Just a suggestion anyway.

We'll need at least 3 a year and a new car every 2. I'll just tell him the weird man from leeds pays for it all.

thanks to Noos' hard earned tax me and my son are getting a freebie holiday to Centerparcs in May and we are getting a brand new top of the range BMW on mobility. At least he's not as bad a twat as i first thought.

We seriously need to set up some rules. I don't see why we had to hang around until 6 today to find out whether seraf and his mates could play. Common courtesy should be that if you know you cant play or it looks unlikely you'll play either say the week before or give everyone a days notice. We all have emergencies with family and that is fair enough and can't be helped but we owe it to each other not to fuck the game up or have a big mad panic looking for players. I could have got 2 of my mates to play but it's no use phoning them at 6.30 asking them to drop everything to turn up at toxteth. We all need to turn up for 8.15 rather than turning up at 8.35 and fucking about sorting money. Also it's quite easy to get there from town as the 86 goes past there every 5 mins or you can get off the train at brunswick. Rant over. By the way, i'm in sunny croydon next week and cant play :(

Actually, millions of pounds get allocated every year to support, research, free cars, holidays and extra tuition. The best thing about it is that you can't do anything about it apart from moan about it on a footy website.

Done quite a few: Been to watch Real Madrid twice - once in the CL against Porto where the tickets were only 16 quid which I bought from the ground the day of the game. Got a cheap flight from JLA and a hotel in Sol for £20 a night. Second time my footy team went over and they played Valencia but we had pre-arranged the tickets with a fella who was organising the match between us and their team. Sometimes best to watch them in teh CL as not all of their season ticket holders will buy tickets for midweek. If they are playing some lowly cannon fodder you will probably get a ticket easily on the day from the ticket office. They spoke good English when I tried to buy them. Went to Munich and it was cheap - about £8 bought from the ground the day before the game against Kaiserslauten. It was good as you could get gassed in the ground without some busybody steward telling you what to do all the time. I think Lufthansa fly there from Manchester and me and my mate stayed in a hostel about 10 minutes away from the ground. Wet to watch Roma - i know Italy has a bad rep hooligan wise but i think they would attack you if you are the away supporters and not just a neutral watching the game - Tickets were £30 approx and you can buy them from the club shop. You have to get off at Ottavio San Pietro metro and walk up a long road to the ground. I went to Lisbon a few years ago and managed to con my bird into watching Benfica - the tickets were piss easy to buy as they had a ticket machine by the metro stop which I initially thought was a train ticket machine - they played Ohlahense and the ground was just over half full. I just got twatted on Sagres and Super Bock. You can fly from JLA on Easyjet or Manc on FlyTAP My mate did a trip last year - he went to Milan from Liverpool, watched inter in teh San Siro on teh Saturday night then got the train to Verona on the Sunday to watch Chievo, said both games were brilliant experiences. If your budget is big then try going to Argentina or Brazil, I was fortunate enough to be in Buenos Aires when the Boca-River game was on. Fucking mental and a great game. If you can get to Rio during June then there is a match on nearly every night at the Maracana. We went to 2 Fluminense V Goias and Flamengo Vs Vasco. The beer was about 50p a can and we got completely shitfaced.

3. I'm in

i'd have liked emlyn to explain his theory of Autism being made up to the parents of the 15 Autistic kids who attended a party i went to yesterday. I'm sure he'd have no problem explaining it in person rather than hiding behind his computer screen in some far off town in the middle of nowhere because he's really brave.

Maybe you need one of those old fashion treatments like brain damage from repeated kicking and punching to the head. I'll be more than happy to do that for you.

I suppose it’s hilarious to call people Mongs and laugh at them, but if that makes you happy then go ahead. My son has not yet been diagnosed with Autism but he has all the traits – no eye contact, can’t handle change and can’t speak, he’s a real handful who exhausts both me and my wife and doing anything is a nightmare if he has a meltdown in public. It’s heart breaking that I know my son might never be able to talk to me or do simple stuff like go the match or pub with me because he hates loud noises and gets agitated if a lot of people are noisy around him. Last week we got sneered at and my wife overheard 2 idiots making comments about my son when we took him to Croxteth Park. She burst out crying in the car because she feels like he’ll get this attitude off people for the rest of his life, unfortunately she only told me when we were in the car as I would have confronted the two tools who laughed at him – they weren’t little scalls either, they had their own kids playing in the adventure playground but obviously never stopped to think how they would cope if their son was like that. The reason why people say their kid has Autism without a diagnosis is because the health authorities are reluctant to diagnose anyone, me and my wife have had to be the parents from hell to get our son to see an educational psychologist and are still a long way from getting a diagnosis for him. Some kids I’ve met at the support groups me and my wife attend haven’t been diagnosed until they were 7 or 8 and that’s not because they aren’t interested in their kids its just that the health authorities take forever to come up with a diagnosis or that the parents are not made aware of the prolonged process they have to go through. We are currently considering putting him in a special school rather than a mainstream one as his twin sister will no doubt have to put up with sneers and questions as to why he is like that if they end up in the same school. There is no real advantage to blagging that your kid has Autism as the health authorities are quite strict on who has it and who hasn’t, the only advantage would be to get DLA.

He lived in quite a big house, said that they boiled the water on the stove and lashed it at him when he came hurtling down the stairs, luckily none got on his face. When i lived with my parents some smackheads burgled our house and even found the timd to feed our cat!. I think they did it to take the piss tbh.