Harry Squatter

Mothers day in my life has always been a ball ache, my mum always gets in touch with me a couple of weeks beforehand and my Missus makes such a big massive ordeal of it. I just asked if we could do something quiet for fathers day rather than making a massive deal of it. My idea of hell would be sitting in some Carvery or 2 for 1 meal place being on a conveyer belt being served shite food. I didn't get a lie in even though I let her have a lie in on Mothers Day. Best feeling I've had for a long time was being greeted by my four year old daughter saying happy fathers day with two cards she had made in school. My son who cannot talk gave me tge biggest hug he's ever given me. Had a relaxing day going the Garden Festival site and then to a virtually deserted McDonalds. Went home and swigged some Jim Beam that she had bought me and watched the footy. Didn't even phone my Dad yesterday although I did send him a card on Thursday but he hasn't acknowledged it. Always had a strange relationship with my Dad, he won't say anything to me unless it's something to criticise me about, talking to him about anything personal or meaningful is difficult and he's never ever praised me or said he's proud of me so god knows what he actually thinks of me as a son or even a person.

If I win the Euromillions on Tuesday I'm going to fund a CGI dominated reboot of Birdman or Space Ghost, or "Flach Helyn" as he was called when I watched it on S4C once.

Another bird in work was reading the Mail Online then asked "why do they refer to a cock up as a Botched job, it doesn't make any sense, it's not even a proper word". I said it was named after a Scottish engineer who fucked up the Construction of a bridge that ended up collapsing. She then says "how the hell do you know random shit like this?". I told her that I went on a tour of Edinburgh and it was on the commentary when we went round by the Forth bridge. Her "oh that's just sad that you know something like that" She spent 4 hours deciding where to take her boyfriend for a meal when he comes home from worki g away. Someone suggested Sapporo in Duke Street. She said "nar, he's not a fan of Italian food"

Some bird in our work was going to Bon Jovi in Manchester last week, her sister asked her to pick her up from Maghull 15 minutes before the gig began. Bird in work said she should pick her up 2 hours beforehand to legislate for traffic, a place to park and walk up from one of the allocated car parks. Then possibly have a few drinks. Sister says "oh fuck off, it's just down the road for gods sake" the road being the M62. Her sister says "it's just one road on the map and anyway you know the furthest I drive is to Ormskirk so how the fuck would I know that?"

I can't play tonight but I'm back next week

I think I read something a few weeks back about how "hard" Kate Middleton works as she is now a Royal. Yep, she's been to California, Papua New Guinea, Australia and New Zealand to get ferried round everywhere waving at people. Then when she comes home she visits schools and always gets photographed with a black kid, Indian/Pakistani kid and Oriental one. Then goes and plays table tennis or hockey. She might turn up to the opening of a mosque or Sikh temple wearing their traditional dress to prove how diverse and culturally aware the Royals are.

Just pop in for 10 minutes, it's fucking hilarious and will cheer you up about having to go to that conference tomorrow. Ropey women stripping off to the grange hill theme music is genius that money cannot buy

Women are tits on Facebook, one on my mrs friend list gives constant updates of her 3 kids, at least one is always ill and she posts about 5 uPdates a day about it. Woman in work never shuts up about her kid, every status up until last month was about him. Now she's getting married she hasn't stopped going on about it, every possible thought that enters her head about the wedding gets committed to type.

I'm sure I've seen someone put on Facebook "does anyone know the number for Alder Hey A&E?"

Not a go at Rico as no one will go "ooooh in London eh?" or "I'm soooo jealous". By the way Ricoif you want a laugh and a see some tits get the tube to Kings Cross and go the Flying Scotsman pub. Make sure you have lots of spare pound coins for the pint glass that comes around.

Yeah some bird put one on the other day "are there any decent jewellers in Southport?" cue a load of hysterical bitches replying asking why and was she getting engaged

Ha ha. I knew some bird who thought she was gorgeous and made a big deal about going to ladies day every year at Aintree, she had a fit body but big teeth. She told me that some cheeky cunt came up to her at the bar and asked what races she was betting on, she asked why and said it was none of his business, he then said "I'm only asking because you can't bet on yourself so whatever race you aren't betting on I'll put a bet on you each way"

People who put stupid shite on Facebook like "what time does the match start?" or "does anyone know of any kids activity centres in Sefton?". Why not just google it yourself you thick cunt instead of putting it on Facebook and waiting round to see if anyone responds to your question?. By the time you wait for someone to reply you could have found out yourself.

I love the way foghorn women can't handle it when men stand up to them or give as good as they get in an argument. Some woman where I used to work was always making snide comments about all the men in the office. She always used to exaggerate every fellas age and always make snide comments about any fellas dress sense. This woman was really a glass house person who threw a lot of stones as she would come to work dressed like a whore and cram into a size 12 dress when she was a 16. She had a go at some lad who always ignored her but one day he just turned on her. She made a snide comment about his age and the suit he was wearing. He just turned around and said "better than being 50 stone and dressing like you're going to work on Upper Parliament Street". She ran to the bogs crying and later put in a bullying complaint about him! Another one was a big brassy blonde who modelled herself on Pamela Anderson, properly thought she was gorgeous and would always criticise the "lack of male talent" in our office. Me and my mates saw her out a few weeks ago and my mate tried chatting her up but she told him he was fat and ugly. He said "you remind me of some film star" she then perked up and said "oh yeah, who?". My mate said "stiflers ma in American Pie". She was on the verge of tears at the bar

I ate a load of cakes last night, by the way I'm fat, you know I'm fat right?

Pick teams then we are sorted to start on time

I want to submit my application for South American correspondent please.

Anyone else playing?

1. Mark 2. Rob

Everton haven't played good football since 1985, it will be too much of a shock for them and they won't be able to handle it. They've been brought up on a diet of dogs of war, utter shite under Walter Smith and then Moyes' eleven years of eye aids. They will be like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes.

Or having a bite to eat in San Carlo

My mum used to drive my Dad mental doing things like this, one time she went to town to buy some curtains, when she got to the shop she found that the curtains were half price, she then decides to buy a table lamp with the money she saved even though she didn't really need one. Then she saw a table which was half price in the same shop so ends up buying that and getting my dad to drive to town to pick it up. So instead of paying 40 quid for a pair of curtains she gets them for 20, then buys a table lamp with the 20 she saved which she never needed. Then decided to buy a table for 70 quid but it was justified because it was 140 originally.

Saw stubby today again, lurking round Williamson Square pestering people for change. The fella who lurks outside William Hill was sitting there at 7.30 yesterday morning and was still there when I went home at 4.30. He was there bright and early at 7.30 this morning. You cannot fault these guys for persistence.

Why do women treat money like its a ticking bomb or a grenade that has had the pin pulled out of it? Two fellas in work told their wives that we are getting a pay increase in October. Within 2 days both have had arguments with them because their wives have already allocated that money to spend on something. It's like they hate the idea of spare money lying around or voices in their head tell them to spend it under any circumstances.

Loads like them in my work, two birds in their early 30's live at home with their parents, always moaning that they are skint. Both have cars on finance and pays 225 quid a month, pays 80 a month in car parking fees despite both living near train stations. Always buying new clothes all the time yet one of them was moaning the other week saying she'll never be able to afford to move out.