United’s flukey win at Palace combined with our meek draw at Chelsea ended any faint hope we had of sneaking in the back door to fourth spot. It was demoralising seeing our lads having to clap them onto the field as Champions and then be incapable of beating them even when they were completely disinterested. Of course Brendan thought we were outstanding, which in terms of the level we’ve plummeted too since this time last year we probably were.
United’s win was a kick in the balls too. Having taken an early lead through a dubious penalty they were pegged back when Pardew finally realised the error of his ways in leaving out my boy Puncheon. He sent him on as a half time sub and the J-Punch responded with a equaliser 10 minutes later. HE should have had a penalty too. That's my boy that is.
Palace battered United after that but once again De Gea came to their rescue before Screech won it for them with a scrappy late winner they didn’t deserve after a howler by the Palace keeper. Thats been the story of United’s season, getting results they didn’t deserve and De Gea playing like a superhero.
There’s no point even getting worked up about it though. We couldn’t beat West Brom or Palace, so whilst I can’t deny I am a tad miffed about United’s never ending good fortune and of Julian Jabroni gifting them a late winner, my biggest beef is with the Reds for allowing this shit to happen. If we’d taken care of our own business recently then 4th place would still be up for grabs, but we didn’t because unfortunately we’re shite.
It was just a miserable weekend all round for me, capped off by my Chicago Bulls losing to a buzzer beater by LeBron James just a few hours after I’d had to sit through the whole torturous Chelsea debacle. Obviously the depth of feeling I have for the Bulls doesn’t compare to my love of the Redmen, but when Liverpool are shite I’ll often look to teams I follow in other sports to provide a bit of escapism and enjoyment. Unfortunately every time it looks like the Bulls might do that, fucking LeBron James gets in the way. He is to the Bulls what Chelsea have become to Liverpool.
Hey remember when our owners decided to just hand him a piece of our club just because they could? What exactly was the point of that again? What did we get out of it other than a few insincere tweets from him and spanking new headphones for the players?
The part I enjoyed most about that was having fellow Reds giving me shit on twitter for not rooting for him in the playoffs against my Bulls. Apparently I should have dropped my support for a team I’ve followed since the late 80s and switched allegiance to the Miami Heat (and now presumably the Cleveland Cavaliers after LeBron jumped ship - again) because the billionaire wankers who bought our club handed a piece of it to some other billionaire wanker they were trying to impress. And now I have to watch the twat beating my Bulls? Fuck right off.
Still, on the plus side, this morning I managed to open a packet of Warburton's crumpets without using my teeth or scissors. I actually did it with my bare hands, which may not sound like much to the lay person but anyone who has Warburton's crumpets regularly will surely now be muttering in quiet awe: “damn, thats impressive!".
Anyway, after weeks of to’ing and fro’ing and jostling for position, things at the bottom of the Premier League finally became a lot clearer this weekend as the wheat was separated from the chaff, and the chaff separated from the steaming, stinking mess that is QPR.
Burnley and QPR were both relegated but that's where the similarity ends. The Clarets have done themselves proud all season and have been competitive in every game they’ve played. That’s a team that gave their fans and their manager all they had. It was fitting that they went down fighting with a win at fellow strugglers Hull.
A smart finish by the lively Ings proved decisive but Hull were a bit unlucky to be denied by the bar twice and had other chances go begging as well.
Burnley didn’t overspend, they kept faith with the players who got them there and although they’ll lose Ings and maybe one or two others, they should be in good shape to come back up as they’re a well run club. They’ve not been good enough to stay up but they certainly have nothing to be ashamed of.
In contrast, QPR have largely been an embarrassment for the past three or four years and could go into freefall now. The team with the 7th highest wage bill in the Premier League look like finishing bottom and their relegation was secured in fitting style as they surrendered pitifully in a 6-0 loss at Man City. It should have been double that as QPR were that bad. Good riddance to them.
Leicester won’t be involved in the shake up for the final relegation spot after making it six wins from seven as an early brace from Mahrez saw off free-falling Southampton. The Saints really don’t want any part of the Europa League do they? Neither do Spurs, which is fair enough as they’ve become completely synonymous with crap Thursday night footy.
They got hammered at Stoke and really don’t look arsed at the moment. They even let Charlie Adam score a header. NZonzi scored too. Not sure if I’ve asked this before or not, but is he any good? I often see him doing things that make me think he might be you know, but because he plays centre midfield for Stoke it’s easy to just assume he’s a yard dog.
Finally on this one, you all know how much I’ve ripped Jon Walters down the years, but deep down I always figured he was probably a decent enough fella and at times I even felt bad about some of the things I’ve written about him. Then I saw this from him on twitter..
"Yes @David_Cameron Glad the country has seen sense..."
…and realised that no matter how much of a shit, useless, dopy cunt I’ve accused him of being in the past, it wasn’t nearly enough. That comment was the twitter equivalent of the time he missed two pens and smashed an overhead kick into his own face in the same game.
I know that a load of footy players probably voted Tory, but at least have the self awareness not to ram it down the throats of the rest of us, you selfish, spoilt, self entitled cunts.
Moving on, Villa won again as West Ham’s wretched 2015 form continued. Allardyce clearly doesn’t give a fuck anymore and why should he, those owners never had any intention of giving him a new contract regardless of how high up the league they finished and the Hammers have been going through the motions for months now.
Cleverley got the only goal of the game, his third in as many weeks. Sherwood has got him looking like a player again and the diamond system he’s using has brought the best out of all of their best players. Looking at how well it’s worked for them I can't help thinking could have used it ourselves a bit more considering how well it served us last year.
Meanwhile, Sunderland achieved the impossible this weekend. No, I’m not talking about their victory at Goodison (their bogey ground) and subsequent leapfrog out of the bottom three. They managed something far more difficult than that, they got Everton shown first on MOTD.
Quite amusing really, the one time the Blues are given top billing is because their opponents are fighting relegation, and even funnier still is the fact they lost 2-0. Both Sunderland’s goals were proper spawny too, which added to the hilarity. Danny Graham knew nothing about the opener, which was his first goal in 28 games for Sunderland. He used to be decent at one time, but he’s almost Altidore-esque these days. At least we know it’s not just us that can completely fuck up striker’s careers. The second goal was even more ridiculous. Adam Johnson’s shot first hit Jagielka and then bounced in off Defoe’s hand.
Interesting that Sunderland kept another clean sheet with big Seba at the back and O’Shea missing. Impressive going from the big Uruguayan that, especially as this week he was saddled with Wes Brown. That surely has to have added another zero to his transfer value now? By my calculations that would now value him at 10p.
Staying in the North East, and Newcastle are now one Hull win away from going down. Let’s face it, the Geordies aren’t getting another win this year, so if Hull can win one of their remaining games (neither of which are easy) then it’s bye bye Newcastle once again. I’d love it if they went down. LOVE IT.
They ended their eight game losing skid with a home draw against West Brom. They went a goal down but rallied and drew level through Ayoze Perez. He’s not bad him, he’s got something about him and I thought he looked decent at Anfield recently. He’ll tear up the Championship next season.
John Carver had said in the build up to this game that “I still think I’m the best coach in the league”. Truly amazing levels of delusion, even by Geordie standards. It got me thinking though, how do you reckon the other Premier League bosses reacted when they heard that? How would they respond to being asked about it in a press conference for example?
Brendan will have been seriously fucking put out by Carver’s boast but he would keep that to himself and muttered the usual insincere platitudes: “He's a good guy John… *pauses for effect, looks reporter in the eye and smiles to show off the new chompers*… an outstanding coach. Newcastle are a wonderful club, its a real hotbed of football up there, wonderful passionate fans, much like what we’ve got here. I’ve known John for a number of years, as I said, he’s an outstanding coach.”
Tim Sherwood would have pissed himself laughing. He knows he's the fackin daddy but just to make sure there’s no room for doubt he’ll reference his win percentage as Spurs boss before finishing with a casual reference to how it wasn’t John Carver that made Harry Kane the player he is today.
I like to think Fat Sam would have snorted tea and hobnobs all over his desk, threw his head back and let out a real belly laugh, similar to Jabba the Hutt when he was threatened by Luke Skywalker.
Arsene Wenger didn't see the comments, obviously, but that wouldn't stop him as he’s got something to say about everything him, the gossiping arl woman. He'd probably say something about how "everyone thinks they’ve got the best looking wife at home, including Alex Ferguson even though his is a fucking munter".
Mourinho will have sneered and muttered something about “I sink Carver is good but he is not “special” like Jose” while all the sycophantic London journos lap it up with fake laughter.
Nigel Pearson would completely disregard the comments themselves and instead just shoot the messenger. "Are you asking if I think he's better than me? Do YOU think he's better than me? Be careful how you answer that".
Alan Pardew would smile that cheesy grin of his that has melted many a housewife's heart, he’d shake his head and then say "Good old John, bless him. I taught him everything he knows...... but I didn’t teach him everything I know" *winks*
Louis Van Gaal: “This Carver.. I think is not… accurate. What he saysh… is false… Here, I have 12 page A4 leaflet… laminated... which my pressh officer… will hand out now” *cue press officer rolling her eyes and reluctantly handing them out to a bewildered press pack*
Tony Pulis: “John’s a great coach but British coaches never get the credit they deserve. There are some terrific British coaches but they’ll never get the big jobs because they just aren’t foreign enough”
There was one other game, Swansea beat Arsenal on Monday night. Typical Arsenal, they had a real chance at 2nd place but got a nosebleed at such dizzy heights. They’ll finish in their 3rd/4th placed comfort zone, as usual, the pointless fuckers. The fart that doesn’t smell. God I hope my man Timmy has them off in the FA Cup final.
Dave
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