The North London derby was difficult to call. Tottenham’s record at the Emirates is shocking but you’d never trust Arsenal to win a big game as they’re just too flakey. In the end Wenger’s Boys won comfortably enough, but they’ve got their old enemy Mike Dean to thank for it.
The Gunners took the lead with a brilliant header by Mustafi from a free-kick that should never have been given. Sanchez from Spurs made a great tackle on Sanchez from Arsenal, but Dean saw a non-existent pull of the shirt and awarded a foul. Mustafi was marginally offside too, so double whammy for Spurs there.
Sanchez quickly added a second after a stunning first touch gave him a close range finish. He nearly added another one in the second half after another glorious first touch. If it were up to me, I’d throw a fucking mountain of cash at him this summer and see if we can right the wrong of when we failed to get him last time. I love him, he’s brilliant and the prospect of him lining up with our other forwards has me drooling like Chief Wiggum in a donut shop.
Spurs were flat and didn’t play with the energy we’ve come to expect from them and Kane clearly isn’t fit. He’s playing with a big fuck off bandage on his thigh which is never a good sign as it shows that he’s bothered by it. He was subbed with 20 minutes left, as were Dembele and Alli. Pochettino waving the white flag early there.
Here’s a question. If Pochettino is so great, how come he continues to pick that waster Moussa Sissoko?
That result kept things tight between second and sixth places, but at the top City continue to streak away after they won at Leicester. They too had a big helping hand from a ref, who should have sent Kompany off after two minutes when he brought down Vardy. I’ve never seen this ref before and hopefully won’t see him again, the coward. His justification for not sending Kompany off was that Stones was in the vicinity.
Sorry, but unless Usain Bolt is ‘in the vicinity’ then no cunt is catching Vardy, so that’s bollocks. He didn’t send him off because there were only two minutes gone and he didn’t have the bottle to make the right call against a big team.
Leicester were flying at City early on and that’s what you have to try to do. There’s no point standing off them and defending because they’ll just carve you open. The problem is when you attack them and lose the ball, they’re a lot like us in that they go the length of the field in about three seconds.
Leicester are one of the few teams capable of getting at them because of the pace and skill they have on the break, and they were having a good go until in the blink of an eye City popped three passes together around the box and Gabriel Jesus had a tap in.
Leicester almost hit back soon after but Maguire’s shot was cleared off the line and City went up the other end and made it 2-0 with a stunning drive from De Bruyne. It’s just too easy for them at the moment, it’s like playing Footy Manager after editing the database and giving yourself an unlimited budget. Yeah, you win everything in sight but there’s a hollow feeling to it. Probably why City’s fans are so half arsed and apathetic these days.
The other mancs won too, as Mourinho got one over his old rival Rafa. I didn’t watch it, I mean why would I? I did see on twitter that Ibrahimovich was back and referring to himself as a lion again. Such a cunt. Let’s see how old Mufasa copes when he’s sat on the bench for the next six months watching Lukaku steal his crown as the biggest flat track bully in Europe.
Chelsea looked good against West Brom as Hazard was just too hot to handle. The West Brom fans weren’t happy with him for staying down after a heavy challenge from Gareth Barry (is there any other kind of challenge from that fat arsed crab?) and they were giving Hazard plenty of stick. That was a fight they were never going to win as he just got angry and then fucking destroyed them with two goals and an assist.
Pulis got the old heave ho afterwards. Hardly a shock, the Chelsea fans were chanting "Tony Pulis, your football is shit" and a lot of Baggies fans joined in. Hell, there were even reports that a couple of West Brom players who weren't involved were spotted joining in with the chant. Few will mourn his departure.
He’s only won something like two out of his last twenty odd games or something, but he won’t be out of work long as by January some desperate fuckers will be sending out SOS calls to him to him or Fat Sam keep them up.
It won’t be Palace or West Ham as they have already pressed the panic button and appointed the ‘safe old British fossil’ option. Besides, both of them have already taken a trip down Fat Sam Boulevard and they know how that journey ends. Palace have also had Pulis and that ended badly too.
Fucking hell, it’s just hit me that Palace have had Pardew, Allardyce, Pulis and Hodgson over the last few years. What did their fans do to deserve that, the poor bastards? Might wanna change ‘Glad All Over’ to something a little more mood appropriate lads. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash maybe?
I saw a stat about Pulis and his record in the last ten years. His teams have averaged less than a goal per game and over half of the goals they’ve scored have come from set-pieces. I know I joke about that every week, but still, that shocked even me. Over half? Fucking hell.
I’m looking at the league table now trying to figure out is going to be the first one to panic and hire this chump. I’d give my right nut for it to be Everton but I don’t see Kenwright being that stupid. I could see Swansea looking for a new manager soon but they have a philosophy throughout the club of playing football a certain way and I’m not sure their chairman would betray that. Brendan and Bobby Brown Shoes would be spinning in their graves at their legacy being tainted by that stone age cunt.
Call me crazy, but I reckon he’s going to end up back at Stoke. Here me out. I know their fans were happy for a while after he moved on and they got see some decent football and signed some quality players, but it’s never really felt right has it? Stoke are meant to be an alehouse team who everyone hates. That’s the natural order of things.
This nonsense with Jese, Wee Joe, Shaqiri and all these proper footballers has ran it’s course. You just know their ready to go back to the rugged, up and at ‘em shit. People talked about them then, it wasn’t flattering but at least they were relevant, not like now where nobody gives a fuck about them because they are neither one thing or another.
So here’s how this is going to play out. Stoke will be hovering around the relegation and Hughes will either jump or be pushed. He’ll take the Wales job and Stoke will panic and have to decide between Allardyce or Pulis. Regardless of which one they choose, the balance of the universe will be restored and we can all go back to calling Stoke ‘horrible mutant alehouse cunts’ again.
Moving swiftly on, and Schindler was on a list (there you go, fucking nailed it this time!) of players unavailable for Huddersfield as they travelled to Bournemouth. They started the game brilliantly but didn’t take their chances and then fell behind from a corner when Callum Wilson headed home.
At the time Huddersfield were down to ten men as their full back had been clattered by Daniels and was not allowed back on until after the corner had been taken. Harsh that, especially considering he didn’t even get a free-kick for it. Yet more terrible refereeing.
Wilson adjusted his body superbly to make it 2-0, but he was probably just offside and Huddersfield again had reason to feel aggrieved. Meanwhile, Eddie Howe is sitting there thinking “Decisions going our way, what kind of sorcery is this?” He needn’t have worried, his captain was harshly sent off soon after to redress the balance.
Arter fired in a third to settle the home side’s nerves before Wilson completed his hat-trick after great play by Josh King. Good to see him back in the goals after all his injury problems. As for King, you know who should have bought him last summer? Everton, that’s who. He’s exactly what they need, but that Steve Walsh is a fraud living off the flukey signings of Kante and Mahrez.
You know who can fuck off? Sean Dyche, that’s who. Having a go at journalists for asking him about other jobs even though his agent has been working overtime making sure his name is in the frame for the Everton gig. Throaty cunt.
His stock right now is as high as it will ever be as Burnley sit in 7th place. He’ll never, ever be that high again in his career so he should be looking to strike while the iron is hot.
Jack Cork put them 1-0 up against Swansea and you’d expect that would be the end of it, as Burnley games usually only ever have a maximum of one goal in them. But no, Swansea are so bad right now that Ashley Barnes blasted in a second. Dyche compared Cork with Bryan Robson afterwards. Presumably he must flash his cock at unsuspecting birds too, because there’s zero football comparison between the two.
How shit is Wilfried Bony these days? What’s happened to him, he seems to have gone the full Adebayor doesn’t he?
Elsewhere, Palace went ahead against the Blues inside a minute, as James McArthur fired in a rebound after Loftus-Cheek saw his shot saved. Everton were given a lifeline when Anthony Taylor failed to spot the most blatant of dives by Niasse and instead awarded a penalty, converted by Baines.
Niasse was later banned for ‘successful simulation of a match official’. What the fuck is that all about? That makes it sound like something that should be rewarded, not punished. Call it what it is; cheating.
The surprising thing is that he’s the first person to be suspended for it. How is that possible? We see dives every week, many far worse than this one (there was some contact), yet Niasse is the first to be punished? Of course the Blues were fuming, citing all manner of examples of Suarez and Gerrard diving and nothing being done about it. Don’t let the fact that the legislation was only brought in this season get in the way of your cryarsing, dickheads.
My boy Wilf then made it 2-1 to Palace. Yeah that’s right, I said it, Zaha has now reached ‘my boy’ status. There’s been an opening there since Puncheon disappeared off the face of the earth. He’s still getting games but he’s just invisible these days. It makes me sad, but all good things come to an end eventually and me and J-Punch had a good run.
Palace then gifted an equaliser to the Blues in first half stoppage time when Scott Dann forgot that he’s Scott Dann who plays for Palace and seemed to think it was 1974 and he was Franz Beckenbauer, as he tried to dribble his way out of defence and lost the ball. A grateful Niasse rolled the ball past Speroni to make it 2-2.
I have a question. How is Speroni still earning a wage as a professional footballer? He’s been shite his entire career and he must be in his forties now, surely? I remember writing about him years ago and saying I don’t like him because his face looks like it’s been made up of parts from loads of different people. Nothing matches, he’s a weird looking cunt. He’s actually grown a beard now to try and disguise it, but it’s only made things worse as it looks like he’s nicked somebody else’s beard to go with his stolen mouth, nose and ears. He’s also a terrible keeper. But then the Hodge signed Brad Jones, so let’s be kind and say his eye for a goalie is questionable.
Benteke came off the bench and should have won it for Palace but produced a horrible finish when one v one with the keeper. Where have we seen that before?
Onto Sunday now, and the David Moyes era at West Ham got off to a predictable start as they lost at Watford.
Big Andy was back in the Hammers’ starting line up after his suspension for being sent off for two elbows the other week. Within 20 seconds a Watford defender was on the floor with a busted face after being caught by Carroll’s elbow. Fair play to him, he’s not going to let a little thing like a red card and suspension make him change.
He got away with that one but was then booked for absolutely nothing, as that Richarlison prick hurled himself to the floor and started rolling around after the slightest nudge. Called it weeks ago, he’s a cunt him. He should be banned for that, but presumably he’s in the clear because he doesn’t play for Everton.
Will Hughes then broke the deadlock with a tidy finish. Remember when every club in the country wanted him a few years ago? Personally I was never sold him on the basis of him being an albino and therefore only able to play in night games.
Heurelio Gomez made a stunning double save to keep Watford in front and Richarlison made it 2-0 with a shot that Hart probably should have done better with. Moyes won’t make it to the end of the season as the players will end up hating him. It won’t be his fault when they aren’t winning, it’ll be theirs and he’ll make sure the whole world knows it.
There isn’t a more deluded man in football than Moyes. While virtually everyone now sees him as a busted flush and a figure of ridicule, he has still managed to retain a level of arrogance that really defies all known logic. When he took the West Ham job he was asked if it was a good move for him and he replied “Yes, but its a good move for West Ham as well because I believe they’ve got a good manager”. He had that weird creepy grin on his face when he said it too.
While reeling off all of his managerial ‘achievements’ he completely dismissed the horrific mess he made of things at Sunderland by simply saying: “I chose the wrong club when I came back to England”. Cheeky bastard, imagine being a Sunderland fan and hearing that. Actually, imagine being a Sunderland fan. Those poor bastards look like they’re going down again.
Moyes is clearly nuts, but not as nuts as the daft fuckers who hired him. In order of relegation preference, West Ham are second only to Everton for me. I’m desperate to see them go down and fucking stay down, with 5,000 people watching them in their fucking soulless free stadium. Cunts. Everton, West Ham and Newcastle. If that happens, I’ll see you all in town.
Finally, Monday night saw Stoke and Brighton play out an entertaining 2-2 draw down on the south coast. Brighton continue to impress while ‘Useless’ is surely on borrowed time. Get yourself off on holiday for a few weeks now while you can, Tony, because you might be putting the band back together after Christmas.
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