Mel Wood

And if just one person gets disciplined for it, everyone else 'downs tools'.

[YOUTUBE]VKH9ECC_Qa4[/YOUTUBE]

there we go, 15. Won't be worth waiting for, but... Always handy to have someone on your side that's tooled up.

I've posted 15 times so, tum te tum...

I can't post pictures until

With special powers, Sylar Darth Vader The Hulk (Incredible, not Hogan) Without special powers Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal in Under Siege) for some entertaining aikido that fucks them up good-style. Mickey 'One Punch' O'Neill out of Snatch Martin Skrtel Armed Freddie Krueger Eugene Tackleberry Omar from The Wire, to just stroll up and take out any stragglers with his shotgun.

Mine has a convincing picture of my head photoshopped onto Torres' body, holding up a scarf with Rafael Benitez as Liverpool's new signing. I think it rules, but if I'm to be 'negged' for mentioning 'FF' related crockery on the 'GF', fire away.

Will her former colleagues all 'down tools' to attend her funeral?

It's probably another intelligence fuckup anyway. The police were probably told their main target was a Liberian or something.

Oo-er, looks like you're right. Sorry. I was sure the midwife told us £400...:ermm: For that, I hope the baby pops out and slaps her, for misleading us.

The grant is actually £400 now. The article linked from first post seems to be dated November 2007. Mrs Wood is due soon, and we were told it was to help towards 'healthy eating' costs, though I think it would be better put towards my season ticket next year, obviously.

*decides to put up pictures of bodybuilder throwing shapes in lame attempt at a smartarse reply* *Realises I'm still not on 15 posts* Bugger.

In a kind-of-related post, here's a picture of Ronald Reagan in Russia greeting a kid in front of officials and 'an ordinary Russian tourist'. Edit. Fuck it. I'm not allowed to post pictures on here cause I haven't reached 15 posts yet. :( But that's not Vladimir Putin in his KGB agent days disguised as a tourist (on the left), nosiree. Funnily enough, the little kid's a Mossad assassin deep undercover, too.

See also Brian Blessed. Not half. Utter shite, worst ever. 'Watchable' in Bedazzled, though. :whistle: And I'll add Vinny fucking Jones, if I can, please.

Immortality blows. Man, I wish I'd never found that goddamn lamp. Stupid fucking genie. I just had to blurt it out, didn't I? "I wish I were immortal!" Half the time they can't even make you immortal, but Sim Allah Bim of the Seven Winds just snapped his fingers and said "It is done." Damn, was I stoked. I don't even remember what my other two wishes were. Doesn't make a damn bit of difference now. Oh, it was awesome for a while. I was all jumping off buildings and shit, getting shot and electrocuted, eating glass, the whole extreme sports gambit... I did it all. Nothing could kill me! Then all my friends and family started dying. That really sucked for a while. I made new friends, but they died, too. After six or seven times through with that, I figured friends weren't really worth it. I lived like a fucking hermit. Pfft... how long did that last? Two, three thousand years? Four, tops. Yeah, I started talking to people again. Made new friends. They died, too, but I was over it by then. Mankind did some really amazing shit over the next couple hundred million years. That was awesome to see too, at first. I went to all sorts of planets, watched them move stars and build dyson spheres, they even cured themselves of all known disease and started living longer. It was soooo nice to have some friends that didn't just die after a hundred years or so. But then they started evolving. People were turning into pure energy left and right. I couldn't do awesome shit like that, stuck in my immortal body. So I made my way back to Earth to see how they were doing there, but it turned out to be long since abandoned. So I was stranded on this worthless rock I'd seen a million times over with nothing to do. Yeah, the planet had changed quite a bit since I'd last been there, but I still wasn't occupied for more than a million years or so. After that it was boring as hell. I remember once I just sat on the edge of a cliff and waited for whatever continent I was on to drift into another one. Jeez. But it seemed to keep getting hotter. Now, my immortal ass can stand any temperature you could throw at it, but that doesn't mean I wasn't uncomfortable. Shit, it was hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock. Pretty soon, the oceans were boiling. Now that is a sight to see. I even went swimming in it. Real smart, you fucking genius. I lost track of time, and before I knew it, the oceans were fucking gone and I was sitting at the bottom. Everywhere I went trying to get back up, BAM! continental shelf. Took me a thousand years to find a way back up. The whole thing was desert by that time anyway. Then there was this galaxy that was fucking huge in the sky. It got so big, it took up the whole damn sky. After a while, you couldn't tell its stars from the normal ones. Then all the stars, new and old, started moving around in all these weird patterns. It was some show, let me tell you. Most interesting thing I'd seen in a while. But just as it was getting good, the goddamn sun exploded. Now, the sun exploding itself was an even cooler sight than all those extra stars. It got really damn big. Hotter than hell, but worth it. And then BANG! Fucker started exploding. It kept going off for probably a billion years. It was awesome at first, but, shit... give it enough time and anything is boring. By the time it was done it was like night all the time and the sun wasn't all that much brighter than the other stars in the sky. Not to mention that it was cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey now. So I waited. And waited. I memorized the stars and came up with names for all of them. And I waited. It was so fucking cold, I didn't move around that much. I couldn't even tell you how long it was, cause it was too damn cold to think. Shit, how I waited. But then the damnedest thing happened. There was this huge, deafening roar. The sky was on fire. It started getting hot again. The wind got stronger and stronger until I was flying. Then came the loudest fucking sound I've ever heard in my life, and I found myself flying up and away from the Earth itself. When I finally got far enough away, I figured it out. Must have been an asteroid or something. Big fucker, though, there was a sizeable chunk of planet missing; a lot of it was still glowing red hot. Now let me tell you, I thought it was cold on solid ground with no sun, but that was nothing. Empty space is fucking cold. That and not being able to breath... damn, that was an unpleasant time. I drifted away from what was left of the solar system. After I while I could see the giant cloud of shit left over from when the sun exploded. But then I just kept going. Man, it was a long time. Trillions of years, probably. I landed on planets or even in stars from time to time. If I was on a planet, I was never there more than a billion years or so before another fucking asteroid came and threw me off of it. When I landed in stars (hotter than fuck), I just had to wait until it exploded and sent me off in some other direction. It really sucked. But eventually I drifted out of the galaxy altogether. Of course it was nothing like that big pinwheel they told us it was in junior high. Just a big irregular blob. Just drifting and drifting, still couldn't breath. I passed other galaxies. Even from where I was, I could see stars exploding in the close ones. That was cool for a while. But I guess they were all running out of stars or something, the galaxies kept getting dimmer. About the time the last galaxies were going out, I started to feel like I was going faster. A definite sensation of acceleration. I started spinning around. I don't know around what, but I could tell I was spinning from the few galaxies left out. I started to feel like I was stretching out, too. And then I couldn't see anything at all. Not too long after that I just felt crushed and stopped moving. Just saying that doesn't do it justice. I couldn't even move myself anymore. I felt like someone had crammed me inside a fucking shoebox or something. This went on for a long fucking time. And I just kept feeling smaller and smaller and smaller. When suddenly I was free. Well, I wasn't being crushed anymore. But I still couldn't move and still felt tiny as fuck. And I still couldn't see anything. But that's where it ended. Nothing has happened since then. Nothing. And that was a really fucking long time ago. I've already rethought every thought I ever had a googol times. That's not even an exaggeration, I counted. Yeah, I counted to a googol. That's how long I've been out here. Man, this fucking sucks. Immortality blows.

'TWAT' by John Cooper Clarke Like a Night Club in the morning, you’re the bitter end. Like a recently disinfected shit-house, you’re clean round the bend. You give me the horrors too bad to be true All of my tomorrow’s are lousy coz of you. You put the Shat in Shatter Put the Pain in Spain Your germs are splattered about Your face is just a stain You’re certainly no raver, commonly known as a drag. Do us all a favour, here... wear this polythene bag. You’re like a dose of scabies, I’ve got you under my skin. You make life a fairy tale... Grimm! People mention murder, the moment you arrive. I’d consider killing you if I thought you were alive. You’ve got this slippery quality, it makes me think of phlegm, and a dual personality I hate both of them. Your bad breath, vamps disease, destruction, and decay. Please, please, please, please, take yourself away. Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun. Like a sucked and spat our smartie, you’re no use to anyone. Like the shadow of the guillotine on a dead consumptive’s face. Speaking as an outsider, what do you think of the human race? You went to a progressive psychiatrist. He recommended suicide... before scratching your bad name off his list, and pointing the way outside. You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. Your dirty name gets passed about when something goes amiss. Your attitudes are platitudes, just make me wanna piss. What kind of creature bore you Was it some kind of bat They can’t find a good word for you, but I can... TWAT.

You're not thinking of that Scally Berry are you?

Right. I've had this all last week, and joking aside, it can be pretty horrible. As people have said, they won't syringe them while the wax is solid, in case it damages the eardrum/aural canal, coming out. They also won't do it if you have any infection/inflammation in your ears, for the same reason. The best way to soften it quickly is with WARM olive oil. The downside to that is the stuff will swell up to about three times the volume and you'll feel like half your head's full of cement. Obviously if it's both ears you'll have a head full. If you haven't got any inflammation in them, the best thing by a mile is urea hydrogen peroxide (3 or 5%) which is in all the over-the-counter wax removers. 5 drops in each ear, let it fizz and bubble for a few minutes, then pour it out. The wax just liquifies and comes right out with it. Might burn your ear a tiny amount if you don't rinse and dry it off afterwards though. Failing that, if your ears are inflamed so can't use those drops, the olive oil moistens it quickest for (what the doctors won't recommend but worked a miracle for me) - getting someone you trust to carefully clear out what they safely can with the round end of a narrow hairclip. Suggest they don't slip and poke you though, because a perforated eardrum's probably not what you want. Frig me, nothing but frivolous posts on TTWAR, I come on here and turn into Dr Hillary Jones. :whatever: