Jump to content

Articles

Manage articles
Show all categories
  • tlw content
    Steven Gerrard and Iago Aspas scored the goals as the Reds defeated Melbourne Victory in front of almost 95,000 passionate Aussie Reds at the MCG this morning.
     
    Gerrard opened the scoring in the first half, finishing off a nice move when he collected Joe Allen's slide rule pass and rolled the ball past the keeper. Brendan Rodgers made a host of substitutions in the second half and two of those combined in stoppage time as Luis Suarez produced some typical magic in the box to present Aspas with a close range tap in.
     
    Team: Jones (Mignolet); Johnson (Kelly), Skrtel (Coates), Wisdom (Agger), Enrique (Flanagan); Allen (Spearing), Gerrard (Lucas), Henderson (Alberto); Ibe (Downing), Borini (Aspas), Sterling (Suarez):
  • written by Dave Usher for ESPN
     
    One of the few interesting things to come out of the first couple of pre-season friendlies has been the spritely form of Raheem Sterling, who has found the net twice and looked a real threat in both games. The youngster was in danger of becoming the forgotten man at Anfield this season after missing the run in last year and seeing the side do well in his absence.
     
    Philippe Coutinho and Daniel Sturridge arrived in January and hit the ground running, Stewart Downing began to show some form and to top it all off a player even younger than Raheem also emerged onto the scene as Jordan Ibe impressed when handed his debut on the final day of the season. All this whilst a frustrated Sterling was sidelined through a nagging thigh injury. 
     
    Competition for places has intensified further this summer with the recruitment of Iago Aspas and Luis Alberto, two players both capable of playing in the left sided role that Sterling usually operates in. With the probability of another attacking player to come in before the season starts, few people had been talking about Sterling other than to suggest that sending him on loan might be the best solution in terms of his development and getting valuable playing time. I was certainly in favour of that option, and it may still prove to be the case, but perhaps it's not as clear cut as some of us thought. 
     
    Read the full article here.
  • written by Dave Usher for ESPN
     
    The declaration of loyalty from Stewart Downing this week was greeted by many Liverpool fans with the same 'enthusiasm' as the recent season ticket price hike. A fortnight ago, when it briefly looked like he might be off to join 'Big Andy' at West Ham, the jubilation in some quarters was akin to that usually reserved for an exciting new signing and there were a lot of unhappy campers when Stewy announced he was staying put.
     
    This throws up an interesting contradiction in terms of how supporters view player loyalty. For example, Luis Suarez has been getting it with both barrels from angry fans because he appears to be trying to engineer a move away from Anfield. "He's got three years on his contract, there's no loyalty in football these days" we cry, with some justification.
     
    Yet when Downing does the opposite and says "I've got a contract at Liverpool, I'm happy and I want to stay," he gets slated for not taking the hint and packing his bags for West Ham, or anyone else that will take him. It matters not that he doesn't fancy a move to 'the Hammers' and doesn't want to give up on his Anfield career without a fight, we want him out so he needs to just clear off, contract or no contract. 
     
    Read the full article here.
  • Pepe Reina is on the brink of rejoining his former boss Rafa Benitez at Napoli, as the Serie A side close in on a loan for the Spanish international keeper.
     
    Reina's departure is hardly a surprise, although the destination and lack of a transfer fee will raise some eyebrows given it had been widely presumed earlier in the summer that he'd be making a permanent move to Barcelona for a fee of around £10m.
     
    Victor Valdes' decision to remain at Camp Nou for another season scuppered Reina's hopes of a return to the club where he first made his name however, and Liverpool's capture of highly rated Simon Mignolet meant that he had no future at Anfield, despite the claims of Brendan Rodgers that Mignolet had been signed to provide healthy competition for Reina and he had not decided who would be his first choice.
     
    In a world cup year neither Mignolet nor Reina can afford to be sat on the bench so something had to give, and it was never going to be the £11m new boy that was departing.  Liverpool would have preferred a permanent deal, but Reina's hefty salary scary off would be suitors and the player himself perhaps unwilling to give up on his Barcelona dream just yet, the Reds have reluctantly had to settle for a loan deal that whilst not bringing in the hefty transfer fee they'd like will at least save them around £4m a year in wages.
  • Midfielder Lucas Leiva claims he's finally over his injury problems and is not 50% better than he felt last season.
     
    The popular Brazilian was sidelined for nine months with a knee injury sustained in a league cup tie at Chelsea in November 2011, only to then tear a thigh muscle on just his fourth game back in August 2012.  He returned to the side a few months later but understandably failed to reach the high standards he'd been setting prior to his injury woes.
     
    Now though he says he's getting back to his best level ahead of the new season.  He told the club's official website: "I'm feeling 50-60 per cent better than I was last season. The last six months I played were really important for me. I needed to get games and sessions, and this season now I'm feeling strong and feeling that I'm in the shape I was before the injury.

    "Now I've got to improve the fitness and build confidence, but I'm really happy with the way pre-season has started."
  • Liverpool Football Club have never been shy about spending money when it was considered a good investment for the future of the club.  In three consecutive summers we saw the arrivals of players who all cost around the £20m mark in Fernando Torres, Robbie Keane and Alberto Aquilani. Prior to Torres, our previous record was £14m for Djibril Cissé in the summer of 2004, which in turn was much higher than the record figure before that.
     
    Those numbers are so large that it’s hard to believe that a little over thirty years ago it was unheard of for any player to be transferred for a fee of anywhere close to £1m. In fact, going back forty years to June of 1967, Tony Hately was signed from Chelsea for a staggering sum (at the time) of £96,000. That’s as much as some Premier League players are now earning per week! Only a year after that big money move, in September of 1968, Alun Evans became Britain’s most expensive teenager with a transfer from Wolves to Liverpool for an even more astonishing fee, and became the first Liverpool player to break the £100,000 barrier. 
     
    Since then, we’ve had many more big money transfers, with the likes of Kenny Dalglish (£440,000 in 1977), Peter Beardsley (£1,900,000 in 1987), Dean Saunders (£2,900,000 in 1991), Stan Collymore (£8,500,000 in 1995), Emile Heskey (£11,000,000 in 2000), Fernando Torres (£23m in 2007) and Andy Carroll (£35m in 2010) all setting new transfer records. 
     
    Obviously there was a rapid (insane?) escalation in transfer fees from 1975 to 2000, so it isn’t fair to compare the fees paid for players that were signed twenty or thirty years apart. But, it should be fair to look at the fees paid during a shorter period and see how they compare. Going back to the 1970’s, the typical fee for a player such as John Toshack, who signed from Cardiff City in 1970, was £110,000. 
     
    Later in the decade a player such as Graeme Souness was able to command a fee of £350,000 from Middlesbrough in 1978. The question that automatically arises now is: how did those transfer fees paid by Liverpool compare with those paid by other clubs for players during the same time period? A few examples will show that they were certainly not out of line.  
     
    Malcolm Macdonald moved from Luton to Newcastle in 1971 for a fee of £180,000, and then moved to Arsenal in 1976 for the odd fee of £333,333; Martin Peters transferred from West Ham to Spurs for £200,000 in 1970; Peter Osgood moved from Chelsea to Southampton in 1974 for a fee of £275,000; England goalkeeper Peter Shilton was valued at £250,000 for a move from Stoke City to Nottingham Forest in 1977; and last but not least in these examples is centre back Gordon McQueen’s move from Leeds United to Manchester United for a fee of £495,000 in 1978. 
     
    It wasn’t to be too long after that, in February 1979, when Trevor Francis became the first £1m transfer when he was signed by Brian Clough at Nottingham Forest, and then the money madness really began. 
     
    Any manager can spot a talented player who’s already established at another club, and it’s a given that such talent is going to be expensive for a manager to bring in. The difference between a good manager and a great manager is one who can spot talent in the making, or is otherwise hidden, and bring those players into the club at a much lower cost than the more proven but much more expensive players. It’s possible that with enough money, any manager can buy his way to success by simply identifying quality players and then bringing them in no matter what the cost (I’m trying hard not to think of anyone in particular here). 
     
    It’s a completely different story for a manager with limited money, who has to spend wisely by looking for “bargain” players, who are ones that may not be at the highest level at the moment, but will be once they are brought in to the side and then developed.  
     
    The main success of Liverpool in the transfer market during the 1960’s, ‘70’s, and ‘80’s was the ability to identify particular players who would be capable of fitting into The Liverpool Way, and with not so much regard to their current status. Many of those players were somewhat undervalued by their own club, and underrated (or not even noticed) by other clubs. Those were the ones who turned out to be bargain priced players that went on to greater glory once they joined the Reds. Some examples that come easily to mind are Alan Hansen in 1977 (£110,000), Ronnie Whelan in 1979 (£35,000), Bruce Grobbelaar in 1981 (£250,000), and Rob Jones in 1991 (£300,000). 
     
    The task for this Liverpool XI is to find a complete squad of bargain priced players, with a total budget of less than about £1m (or an average of around £100,000 per player) and see what we can come up with. If we’re lucky, we’ll have a squad that will be competitive with other clubs of the same era. Of course, the best period to begin the search is going to be the late 1960’s to late 1970’s, with transfer fees for top players typically (as shown above) well above £200,000 – i.e. double my budget here.
     
    The first bargain to look for is any player who comes in with no transfer fee. Two of those players that I’ll select are Tommy Smith and Ian Callaghan. Both of these two came directly into the club through the apprenticeship system, in the days long before the Academy was in place. That gives me two players to begin with, and no cost to my transfer budget. The next best thing to free is to look for relatively unknown talent that may be available locally, which I can find with Steve Heighway playing amateur for Skelmersdale and Jimmy Case with South Liverpool. The two together wouldn’t even cost me my average per player figure of £100,000, and I’ve already signed up four players to my final XI.
     
    I should look for a goalkeeper next, and for this I’m going to take the bargain deal of the 20th century and sign Ray Clemence for £18,000 (from Scunthorpe in 1967). Next, I’ll stay with Scunthorpe for a while, and in 1971 I’ll sign Kevin Keegan for £35,000. I doubt that those two bargains will ever be beaten, but let’s keep looking. Emlyn Hughes cost £65,000 from Blackpool in 1967, and that’s probably the end of players available at less than £100,000. Or is it? Phil Neal is yet another incredible bargain at £66,000 from Northampton in 1974, and I’ll complete the back line with Joey Jones as the first to go over my average figure at a cost of £110,000 from Wrexham in 1975. For the same price, I’ll bring in John Toshack from Cardiff (£110,000 in 1970) to partner Keegan up front. 
     
    Inevitably I’m going to have to start spending some big money somewhere, but if that’s the case then at least it should be done as wisely as possible. Local lad Terry McDermott can be signed from Newcastle in 1974 for £180,000, and Ray Kennedy is available for the same price from Arsenal, also in 1974. 
     
    As always, I’ll have to think about a few players to add in to make up a sizeable squad, so with the same strategy I’ll add local lads Phil Thompson and David Fairclough, who came in as youngsters with no transfer fees. Then, with an eye for more bargains I’ll bring in Alec Lindsay who signed from Bury for £67,000 in 1969. I’ll also put a couple of youngsters on the bench with striker Alan Waddle who transferred from Halifax at age 20 for a fee of £40,000, and reserve goalkeeper Peter McDonnell who signed from Bury in 1974.  That should give me a pretty good squad to work with.
     
    As for a manager, I can’t think of a better bargain than Bob Paisley who came to the club as a twenty year old from his youth club Bishop Auckland in 1939. He spent his entire playing career with Liverpool, and upon retirement in 1954 he joined the coaching staff as a physiotherapist. That’s effectively two jobs done by one man, and it doesn’t come much better than that. Well actually it does, since Bob later became Bill Shankly’s assistant and then replaced the legendary boss when he retired in 1974.  
     
    Along with Bob we’ll put Joe Fagan on the bench as his assistant. Joe is another long term Liverpool man, who joined the coaching staff in 1958. Joe worked his way up through the ranks, becoming Bob’s assistant in 1974 when Bob moved up. Finally, I’ll put Ronnie Moran in there as a coach. Ronnie is another one-club-man who came to Liverpool as a youth player/apprentice, signing professionally in 1952, and later becoming a full member of the coaching staff in 1969. Between the three of them, by 1974 when Bill Shankly retired, they had a combined total of 73 years of service to Liverpool, with 39 of those years on the coaching staff. Not one of them left the club until retirement, which eventually added up to a total of 117 years! That kind of loyalty to the cause costs nothing in money but is priceless in value.  
     
    The total transfer fees paid for this eleven is less than £700,000! The astute reader may have seen this eleven coming for some time since I began rambling on about all of the above players, since this is precisely the eleven that won Liverpool’s first European Cup in 1977. If we add the five who were on the bench (David Fairclough, Alec Lindsay, David Johnson, Alan Waddle, and Peter McDonnell) we surprisingly add just a little over £300,000 with David Johnson taking two thirds of that total when he signed a year earlier for £200,000 from Ipswich. 
     
    Still, it makes it possible to put together a squad capable of winning the European Cup for less than £1m, or an average of considerably less than £100,000 per player, when typical transfers for top players were commanding more than twice as much. If we then add in John Toshack and Phil Thompson, for an additional transfer cost of £110,000, then we have the squad that also won the League that same season as well as finishing as FA Cup finalists. And if that doesn’t show the genius of both Shankly and Paisley, then I don’t know what will. 
     
     
  • Steven Gerrard has given Brendan Rodgers a timely boost by signing a new two deal at the club that will take him past his 35th birthday.
     
    Gerrard had one year remaining on his present deal and the club were keen to reward him with an extension after the skipper enjoyed a fine 2012-13 season.  Gerrard started 36 consecutive league games before being ruled out of the final two games of the season with a shoulder injury, but he's been working hard over the summer to ensure he's fit and ready for the start of the new season.
     
    "I think everyone knows what it means to me,” Gerrard told the club's official website. “I've been here that long and so to extend, it's a big day for me and I'm really happy for myself and my family. It's great news.
    "It lets me know the club thinks an awful lot of me and want me here. I'm glad it's all done and it's happened at the right time before the season, so I can just focus on playing as well as I can."
  • written by Dave Usher for ESPN
     
    There's not been much in the way of good news for Liverpool in recent weeks. Missing out on their most ambitious transfer target of the summer, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, was a bit of a blow, and much like Branislav Ivanovic the Reds also had to deal with Luis Suarez and his out of control mouth.
     
    If he's not flashing his drawers at Real Madrid (somewhat understandable) he's humouring Arsenal and their derisory 'offer' by refusing to publicly rule out a move to another English club (not so understandable). And it can't just be me that's baffled as to how a player so upset about 'media intrusion' can give so many interviews in such a short space of time, especially when he's supposed to be on holiday with his family. Nevertheless, I still love the crazy, nutmegging, loon and I desperately hope he stays. He needs to just shut up now though, as every time he speaks it results in a flurry of depressing, scaremongering news articles. Maybe we could put a muzzle on him; that would solve a number of problems actually. 
     
    So between one thing and another, good news has been in short supply of late, but Steven Gerrard signing a contract extension has at least provided a little ray of sunshine in amongst the storm clouds. It's not really big news, I mean it's not like there was ever any danger of him leaving Anfield and he was always going to be signing a new deal at some point, but it still brings a little smile to the face and the next few years should be savoured, as we are watching arguably the greatest player Liverpool has ever had. 
     
    Read the full article here
  • It's been a busy summer already with a couple of signings completed and others close to being finalised. Your host 'Numbers' is joined once again by Dave Usher and Stu Montagu to discuss potential ins and outs, where the squad needs strengthening and of course, the Luis Suarez situation Listen now either on the embedded player below, or by visiting our podcast page here.
     
    You can also subscribe through itunes and have any new podcast automatically delivered to your computer.  Clicking the link above will download the latest episode straight into your itunes, and will subscribe you to any future episodes.
     
    Those of you wanting to listen on your phone, try this link as it should work on most smartphones.
     
    To listen in this window, simply click the play button in the box below.  To listen in a new tab, click here.
     
     
     





       
        
    Podcast Powered By Podbean
  • As the season draws to a close there has been, and surely will be for some time yet, plenty of discussion about which of the international superstars of the Premier League has sparkled brightest this season. That’s fine and dandy but far away from the fanfares and front-pages there is another tier of players that have had seasons well worth acknowledgement from those outside their respective changing rooms or home sections.
     
    Here, with no piece of statistical irrelevance left uninvestigated, TLW presents to you the definitive selection of lesser heralded but really quite effective players from this season’s Premier League:
     
    Brad Guzan
     
    As a glow of satisfaction washes over those associated with Aston Villa it would be easy to forget just how dire the situation was looking for them before spring reared its tardy head over the horizon. Goals from Benteke and a late injection of form from Agbonlahor may be what sticks in the memory as this campaign is put to one side but Guzan’s efforts may well have been just as vital. During a trying season where they were often on the ropes he managed to get them through to the bell on a number of occasions. One singular moment of individual brilliance in tipping a Chris Samba header stands out in a season in which Villa fans have named him their player of the season.
     
    Cesar Azpilicueta
     
    The former Marseille man has attracted very little in the way of hype but since the arrival of Benitez he has been a crucial part of Chelsea’s fight to finish third. Chelsea tend to attack down the right more often than the left and the sight of the adventurous Spaniard joining up with Hazard, Mata or Oscar as they drift wide is a common one. Offering good quality crosses to the forwards and with only three players contributing more assists or passes per game for them in the league, he has made a telling contribution to the efforts this season.
     
    Jose Enrique
     
    There may have been peaks and troughs to the performances of Jose Enrique this season but for a player many thought was on his way out the door it has been a redemptive season of mostly positive contributions. His pace and upper body strength mean that it’s rare for wingers to get the best of him and solid defensive performances are now the norm. He may not be the perfect full-back for Rodgers but the occasional superb through ball and charge forward have brought goals, assists and have provided the new Liverpool manager with a solid performer throughout most of the campaign. Scoring the best goal of the season is also nothing to be sniffed at.
     
    Phil Jagielka 
     
    One of the major reasons why Everton have, once again, punched above their wage budget and a player that typifies the way Moyes wants to play his football. Not only is he aggressive and committed but he also allies that with an under-rated ability on the ball. The only outfield player to have completed more successful long passes than him in the Premier League this season is Steven Gerrard. It will be no surprise at all if his efforts are rewarded with a move away from Goodison this season to a club with loftier ambitions.
     
    Gareth McAuley
     
    West Brom may well have turned the engine off around the turn of the year, and have been coasting ever since, but they will still be delighted with an 8th place finish, a lot of which is down to a good defensive unit. Now aside from some impressive heading from attacking set-pieces McCauley hasn’t really caught the eye but I can only imagine the amount of unseen work that he’s put in this season; I mean, he plays alongside that calamitous nihilist, Jonas Olsson! When he’s not threatening to cut off people’s Johnson’s and throwing marmots in baths Olsson generally occupies himself with kicking chunks out of forwards and getting himself in bad positions. For working with that and keeping  West Brom’s record as impressive as it has been  McCauley is definitely deserving of a place in this side.
     
    Morgan Schneiderlin
     
    As you’d expect from a Frenchman with one of the most German names imaginable, there is a little more to Morgan Schneiderlin than meets the eye. Southampton’s swashbuckling attacking football has impressed many neutrals this season but whilst his team-mates have grabbed the headlines their defensive midfielder has gone about his work effectively to allow them to play. No player has more interceptions in the league and only Lucas Leiva has managed to nudge past him for the amount of tackles he gets through in a match. Throw five goals into the mix and we one of a growing bunch of players proving that the steps from League One to the top tier may not be all that great after all. 
     
    Jonathan De Guzman
     
    The way in which Michael Laudrup has taken last year’s surprise success from Swansea and built on it has been as unexpected as it has been pleasing. Massive credit has been given to signing of the season, Michu, for his input into this League cup winning campaign but, on the quiet, the arrival of his Canadian born-Dutch declared colleague has also added great value to the Swans. Having worked with him previously at Mallorca Laudrup won’t have been surprised with his quality delivery from set-pieces, calm and sensible use of the ball and eye for a goal. With eight goals from midfield, three of which came in their League Cup run, it’s a sure thing that his team-mates will be delighted with his contribution this season. Well, apart from Nathan Dyer maybe?
     
    Robert Snodgrass
     
    One of an ever-increasing contingent of former Leeds Utd players at Norwich (one can only presume the East Anglia tourist board has a big advertising presence in Yorkshire) Snodgrass has been arguably the best thing about the Canaries this season. The Scotsman is not only a major factor behind the danger that they pose from crosses from the flanks, set-pieces in wide areas and corners but has also shown he has the ability to go past a defender with good footwork. Add into the mix his nose for goals in open play and from dead-ball situations and his value to his team is easy to understand. Don’t let his strangely half-asleep face fool you; this lad can be a lively one.
     
    Steven Pienaar
     
    There are people living off the land in the furthest reaches of Tibet that have never even heard of football that are still aware that everything at Goodison Park comes down the left hand side. This is not a revelation. That said, in a season where The Toffees have once again had consistency and workrate allied with that little touch of class at the heart of their success, Pienaar has typified their output. Not even Baines has managed as many assists as the South African and it is this almost symbiotic pairing that have also been the major source of their chance creating passes. Their effectiveness is taken for granted now: it is today as it was yesterday and it will be tomorrow.  It still deserves a nod to its class though, so it gets one here.
     
    Arouna Kone
     
    In one of the strangest seasons imaginable for the residents of the DW Stadium it would be hard not to sympathise with the likes of Kone, Maloney and McCarthy if they felt those situated behind them had let them down somewhat. In a season in which Wigan have conceded more goals than any other side their Ivorian number nine (who disgracefully insists on wearing number two) has done more than most to ensure they kept punching above their weight. Bringing a focal point to the intricate short passing and also being a target for longer vertical passes and crosses he performs a role that ensures it’s difficult for the opposition settle into defending one style of attack. His 9 goals this term went a long way to helping them live to fight another premier league day but, alas, defensive calamity ensured Wigan took another path. 
     
    Andy Carroll
     
    Nobody of sound mind and sound stomach would want to imagine a Sam Alladyce wet dream but here, made real with flesh and bones, stands that very thing. Despite some injury setbacks the combination of Carroll’s abilities and Allardyce’s style of football has been as perfect a match as anyone could expect. Everybody knew that West Ham were going to be sending out a claret and blue war elephant that would stampede through enemy ranks causing chaos and panic but this season has also seen glimpses of a little more refinement. Pirouettes in the area, sweet volleys with his weaker foot and getting involved with direct free-kicks have all been added extras at Upton Park recently. He may never have been a £35m player but he’s been invaluable to West ham. 
     
    Stu Montagu
    @SimianJustice
  • With everything having already been settled other than the final Champions League spot, drama was in short supply on the final weekend of the Premier League season.  We knew who'd won the league, we knew who'd been relegated from it and Ferguson and Moyes had both had their big emotional send offs in front of their own fans, so aside from Carra's farewell the only thing of any note happening was Spurs and Arsenal fighting it out for fourth spot.
     
    Essentially they were the only two sides with anything meaningful to play for, which is a far cry from last season's final day dramatics which will live long in the memory.  The stakes may have been smaller this year, yet Arsenal still celebrated in similar fashion to how Man City responded to Aguero's title winning goal 12 months ago.  Seriously Arsenal, have a fucking word with yourselves as that was embarrassing.  I'm half expecting to switch the news on tonight and see the fuckers parading around London on an open topped bus.
     

     
    Arsenal didn't play well at Newcastle but were never under any kind of pressure and won it with a scrappy goal from a set-piece, Koscielny rifling in from close range.  "There will be four minutes added time and Alan Pardew is waving his troops forward" declared the MOTD commentator.  Probably yelling at them: "Go on lads, storm that castle and capture the princess!"  Silver tongued cavalier that he is.
     
    Wenger's boys held on without any drama, and then celebrated wildly on the pitch and even more wildly back in the dressing room.  Congratulations Arsenal, you've earned the right to once again go out in disappointing fashion to the first half decent side you face.  Eight years since they last won anything, in which time Birmingham, Swansea and Wigan amongst others have all lifted cups.  They've convinced themselves that a top four spot is winning a trophy without actually, y'know, getting to lift a trophy.
     
    I saw those photos of their dressing room celebrations and thought back to this quote from a round up earlier in the season: "A mate said to me after this: “What’s the point of Arsenal? They’re like a fart that doesn’t smell.” He’s right too, I don’t know what the point of them is. They don’t win anything and seem to have given up trying. They make the top four every year, qualifying for a competition they have no chance of ever winning, and then they sell their captain/best player every summer."  
     
    They may or may not sell their best player this summer, but the rest of it stands.  They want to finish in the top four so they get the money to finish in the top four again.  Somewhere along the way they forgot about trying to win trophies and have convinced themselves that securing a spot in the top four is the same thing.  It isn't.
     
    Steve Harper was playing his last game for the Geordies.  He has apparently had 17 managers in his time at Newcastle.  Incredible statistic that is.  That's just two fewer than we've had in our ENTIRE HISTORY, and ten fewer than Chelsea have had under Abramovich.  
     
    Disclaimer: Part of that last sentence may not actually be true
     
    Harper's number is 37, so in the 37th minute the crowd began applauding and singing his name, and Harper started crying.  On the pitch.  Whilst the game was going on.  Crying.  WTF?  Fortunately for him Arsenal didn't call him into action at that stage, as clearly his head was up his arse and his concentration levels wouldn't have been what they should have.
     
    It'd be easy to mock him for blubbering, but I'm not going to as he's a good pro who loves his club and I've got a lot of time for Harper, it's a pity there aren't more in the game like him.  I can imagine 'Carra' sat at home watching it and shaking his head in disgust though.  The word 'tart' or 'fanny' was probably uttered too I expect.  Imagine if we'd done that in the 23rd minute for him?  He'd have been livid; "Fuckin keep it down will yers, Enrique can't hear me bollocking him!!"
     
    An interesting sidenote to this game, the match officials had to change their kits at half time.  They started off the game wearing yellow but had to switch to green, the explanation given was that the yellow shirts were 'attracting midgies'.  The referee in question was Howard Webb, so it was to be expected. Nothing to see here, just a classic case of 'flies on shit'.
     
    Over at White Hart Lane Spurs needed to beat Sunderland and hope that Arsenal slipped up.  They did their bit, just about, but were ultimately left disappointed.  Bale - who else - hit a spectacular late winner for them and there'll be a lot of talk about his future now with Spurs not in the Champions League next season.  I have no idea what will happen, but I'd be very surprised if he left Tottenham as he genuinely seems very happy there.
     
    He's been linked with the Mancs amongst others, and as much as I hate to say this, it might be in his best interests to go there.  Not to play in the Champions League or to have a better chance at winning trophies (after all, Moyes is there now), but simply to stop referees from booking him for diving all the time.  He was booked in this game for a dive despite it being an absolutely clear penalty.  He's brought it on himself of course, but he's suffering from the same kind of refereeing prejudice that Suarez was having to put up with earlier in the season. 
     
    Whilst there's something hilarious about seeing him being punished unjustly for an offence he's otherwise been committing regularly for a couple of years, this was an incredibly bad decision and it's ridiculous that Spurs haven't had a single penalty all season.  I'm telling you, if Bale swaps White Hart Lane for Old Trafford those bookings will dry up and he'll be getting five or six pens a season no problem.  
     
    Spurs had another clear penalty appeal turned down when Cuellar turned his back on a shot and blocked it with an outstretched arm.  He was falling over at the time and not in control of his actions, but still, that simply has to be a penalty.  My boy AVB was having a proper tantrum on the sideline, like a toddler losing his rag in a supermarket.  I was half expecting him to just sit down on the pitch and refuse to move until Spurs were given a penalty.  
     
    Then out of nowhere a huge cheer went up from the crowd. Hahaha they thought Newcastle had equalised at St James'!!  They hadn't, and it was hilarious looking at the faces of the crowd as that brief joy turned to disappointment.  Nothing against Spurs fans, I just find shit like that really funny. Makes you wonder how that kind of thing gets started though, was it a genuine mistake or maybe a non-Spurs fan in the crowd on a wind up?
     
    AVB and Steffen Freund's antics on the touchline were more entertaining than the game itself. When Bale scored, AVB was more than a little fired up, and he gave this fist pump, uppercut celebration in front of 4th official Phil Dowd who jumped out of his skin in fright.  It's brilliant, if you can find a clip of it somewhere watch it.  
     
    As for Freund, he was throwing himself all over the place, he spent more time on the floor than Bale.  He's horrible though isn't he?  He's got one of the most punchable faces you'll see outside of Manchester and those tight tracky bottoms he wears are only marginally more palatable than the other traditional assistant manager 'outfit of choice'; the initialed shorts and fat, corn beef legs combo rocked by the likes of our very own Colin Pascoe, or 'CP' if you like.  
     
    Is there some kind of law that prevents assistant managers from wearing decent clobber?  Do managers forbid it as they don't want to be outdone by their assistants?  You always see managers in their designer suits looking all dapper (well almost always, O'Neill, Lambert, Pulis and occasionally Moyes are scruffy fuckers), and then the number two is there in shorts, ankle socks and footy boots, or those skin tight drainpipe tracky bottoms that Freund was rocking.  
     
    As for the Mackems, well all hell has broken loose there since this game, but then was it ever going to be any different when they appointed the maniacal Di Canio?  He's been handing out fines like there's no tomorrow, it's as though he's declared war on his playing squad.  Seven players were fined last week apparently.
     
    Phil Bardsley bore the brunt of Di Canio's wrath after going out to celebrate Sunderland's survival after Wigan were relegated when they failed to beat Arsenal.  He was photographed, smashed off his face, lying on the ground covered in £50 notes.  Di Canio - quite rightly - was furious and dropped him from the squad to play Spurs and now wants rid of him.
     
    "We are talking about 31 years of age, not a kid, with a family at home" he said.  Except Bardsley isn't 31, he's actually 27, but to be fair to Paolo, Bardsley is another one of those who must have had an absolutely horrendous paper round as a kid.  No doubt Di Canio thinks Steven Fletcher is in his mid thirties too, which is fair enough as so did I up until last season. I'm still in shock over that. 
     
    Bardsley's missus called Di Canio a 'pyscho drama queen'.  Wouldn't want to be in her Jimmy Choo shoes if Paolo gets a hold of her.  The PFA have now got involved too after Sunderland's players lodged a complaint about their manager.  Fucking grasses.  That dog Gordon Taylor is now making veiled threats about how Di Canio 'can't be a law unto himself'.  You know what I'd love?  For Di Canio to show them what being a law unto himself really is, and rip Gordon Taylor's head off and mount it on a spike on the training ground gates as a warning to his players about what happens to rats.
     
    All season people have been saying that with the players Sunderland have they shouldn't have been in a relegation battle.  Well Di Canio has now exposed exactly why they were in that position, because too many of those players have been taking the piss with their attitude.  He also had a pop at the PFA, rightly saying "the PFA excuse people that behave like Phil Bardsley...(even though) the PFA don’t pay them, it’s a private club that pays them.”  You tell em Paolo lad.
     
    Connor Wickham is another who has fallen foul of the Italian. "Maybe, with this guy, I have to slap his face a little bit.  He has so much potential. But sometimes he comes in (to training) and he seems to be looking around saying: “Where am I?” I want to say: “You are on the football pitch, with the grass.”  Once he seemed to be complaining because it was wet. I told him that is typical for this area. Maybe if he doesn't go out in a small t-shirt when it is wet and cold, he won't be complaining. I have told him: “No small t-shirts." I don't want him to be missing a couple of games because he is a Playboy model. We are footballers, that is our job."
     
    Just take a look at Connor Wickham and try telling me Di Canio is wrong about him.  I look at Wickham and, like James McLean, he just screams out "KNOBHEAD".  We knew it would be entertaining when they appointed Di Canio, and so it's proving.  I'm going to enjoy Di Canio for the few months he's got left before 'player power' gets him sacked.  Go get em Paolo, you big fascist mentalist you.
     
    Moving on, and Ferguson's last game didn't go exactly as planned did it?  He was given a guard of honour as he took to the field, and as he walked past referee Chris Foy he playfully hit him in the stomach.  After the game Foy and his assistants had their picture taken with him, all star struck like teenage girls at a One Direction concert.  Thank fuck he's now retired is all I can say.
     
    Kagawa put United ahead after six minutes, Olsson put through his own net three minutes later and Buttner then made it 3-0 inside half an hour.  Game over?  You'd think so, but no, there were plenty of twists and turns left in this one.  Morrison pulled one back before the break and Clarke sent on Lukaku at half time. 
     
    Within four minutes the on loan Chelsea man had found the net to make it 3-2, but Van Persie and Hernandez looked to have wrapped up a comfortable victory for the champions, especially when Olsson ballooned one over from two yards.  A word of advice Jonas, next time pretend it's your own net, chances are you'll have better luck. As you no doubt know by now, I usually stand by my long haired compardres, so it says a lot about Olsson that even I can't stand the fucker.
     
    West Brom didn't let that miss effect them however, and Lukaku ran clear of Evans to grab his second goal with a good finish.  Mulumbu then side footed in to reduce the deficit to one with ten minutes still to play, and amazingly Lukaku then bundled in from close range to earn them a point and ensure he'd be going home with the match ball.  I really hope he's not at Chelsea next season, as I like the kid and don't want to have to start hating him.  
     
    I wonder if Ferguson brought out the hairdryer afterwards, just one last time for the road so to speak?  He refused to talk to the press afterwards too, which is an apt way for him to bow out, as is the fact they managed to go through the entire season without conceding a penalty.  There's no refereeing bias towards United though, nosireebob.
     
    Finally on this one, Johnny Evans punched a West Brom player in the face in an off the ball incident.  It's been caught on camera (even if MOTD completely ignored it), the FA have seen it but guess what?  They're doing fuck all about it.  The West Brom lad should count himself lucky really, usually players are sent off for being fouled by Evans.  Ask Shelvey and Torres.
     
    Evans generally goes under the radar as he's quite low profile, but he's an absolute ballbag.  In fact, now that Ferguson has gone, he's arguably the second biggest twat at that club behind Evra.  He gets away with murder because he's seen as a bit of a nobody and he's got one of those 'butter wouldn't melt in his mouth' faces, but I want the record to show that I absolutely despise Johnny Evans.
     
    Elsewhere, at Stamford Bridge Chelsea ended their season on a high note by seeing off Everton in a close one.  Mata drew first blood but Naismith equalised soon after.  Torres won it for Chelsea late on with his first league goal since 2009 or something.  He's scored 22 goals this season, which on the face of it seems pretty good, but most of those goals came against shite teams in competitions in which David Ngog used to look like Gerd frigging Muller.
     
    Chelsea of course had won the Europa League in midweek with that last gasp header from Ivanovic.  I'm not sure why that's being billed as some great achievement, this is a group of players who won the Champions League last season by defeating the likes of Barca and Bayern.  Beating Rubin Kazan, Sparta Prague, FC Basel and Benfica is no more than they should be doing.  It's not some huge accomplishment, you don't get people kissing Tiger Woods' arse after shooting level par, so how come so many people - including some Reds - are lauding this as some kind of great feat?  That's a rhetorical question by the way, I know exactly why.
     
    I actually switched that game off as soon as the Ivanovic goal went in, so I missed all the fun and games involving Mongo lifting the trophy.  Have to say I genuinely didn't see that one coming, I thought after last year he'd have realised what a collossal gobshite it made him look.  But no, the final whistle goes and of he pops, running off to the nearest phonebox to rip off his suit and get into his 'superhero' costume, like some kind of special needs Clark Kent.  
     
    The most staggering aspect of it was that he was apparently wearing shinpads.  SHINPADS!!! You can almost understand the kit thing, but fucking shinpads!!! What went through his head to make that conscious decision to actually put on a pair of shinpads?  I simply can't comprehend that thought process, it's mental.   There's a twitter account called 'Full Kit Wankers' and there have been some incredible sights on there this season, but John Terry has topped the lot.  Again.
     
    As for Everton, they still haven't appointed a manager but there was a cracking rumour doing the rounds on Merseyside over the weekend.  This is an actual conversation that took place between my cousin Al and his Evertonian mate, Mick.
     
    Al: "So who are yous getting to replace Moyes then?"
    Mick:  "Some lad I know who's well connected with the club reckons that Kenwright has got a plan.  Big Dunc is 66-1 with some bookies, so Kenwright is gonna stick a million quid on it and then give him the job, wiping out our debt"
    Al:  "Are you taking the piss?"
    Mick: "I know it sounds far fetched, but is there any reason why that couldn't actually happen?"
    Al: "……."
     
    When I heard that story I couldn't shake the mental image of Kenwright in one of those false nose and glasses disguises, walking into his local William Hill's, opening up a briefcase full of cash and saying "I'm gonna take a wild punt on Duncan Ferguson to be the next Everton boss, not based on any inside info you understand, just a feeling I've got in my water".  Evertonians, if they weren't real we'd have to invent them just for our amusement.  #evertonarentwe
     
    Moving on, and Man City ended a disappointing season in… well.. disappointing style as they were beaten at home by Norwich.  Brian Kidd's side fell behind to a Pilkington goal, but Rodwell equalised with three minutes. Holt tapped in following a typically accurate cross by Snodgrass but Rodwell equalised again with a great individual goal.  Norwich won it in some style though with a wonderful goal by Howson who went past three or four defenders before calmly rolling the ball past Hart.  The Canaries ended up finishing 11th which just shows how tight the bottom half of the table has been this season and they'd still be one of my favourites to go down next year.
     
    In the East End, Andy Carroll inspired West Aaaaaaam to a hard fought win over Reading at Upton Park.  He set up Nolan for the first when he anticipated a clearance from McCarthy and in one movement controlled and cushioned a perfectly weighted pass with his back into Nolan's path.  Wonderful skill from the big man, he wasn't even looking at the ball, it takes a special talent to pull that off.  He then set up Vaz Te to make it 2-0 before McCleary pulled one back with a deflected effort.  LeFondre levelled it from close range but Nolan's 9th & 10th goals of the season won it for the Hammers, who finished a creditable 10th in the table.
     
    Aside from the crazy game at the Hawthorns, but the biggest shock of the day came at Swansea where Laudrup's side got their arses handed to them by Fulham.  Not even Martin Jol will have seen that coming as his side have been coasting for weeks. Former Red Alex Kacaniklic put them ahead after some woeful positioning from Ashley Williams played him onside.  
     
    Berbatov made it 2-0 when he also took advantage of poor defending to beat the offside trap, this time is was Chico who had dropped deeper than the rest of his backline, and Emanuelson made it 3-0 in stoppage time after the impressive Kacaniklic had been denied by Vorm, who had earlier made a stunning save to deny the young Swede what would have been a goal of the season contender.  Paul Konchesky would have buried it though, eh Roy?
     
    Relegated Wigan took on Villa at the DW in what was a predictably entertaining game.  The returning Darren Bent - in for the suspended Benteke - put Villa ahead early on with his first league goal since September.  It'll be interesting to see where he ends up, as he brings a guarantee of goals with him and will certainly do a job for someone.  
     
    Boyce headed Wigan back on level terms and a freak own goal by the unfortunate Baker gave them a half time lead.  Boyce hit the bar and then Ron Vlaar volleyed in to make it 2-2, which was how it finished, although James McArthur hit also hit the bar late on.  A newspaper report last week linked McArthur with us as well as Chelsea and Arsenal, and also claimed that Manchester United were known admirers.  I can only assume his mum wrote that.  Unless they're confusing him with James McCarthy of course.  Thinking about it, I bet he gets that all time you know, the poor lad.  
     
    Random stranger: "Hey don't I know you?"
    McArthur: "You might do, I'm James McArthur, I play for Wigan"
    Random Stranger: "Oh I've heard of you, you're meant to be pretty good aren't you?"
    McArthur: "Well, you know, it's not really for me to say…"
    Random Stranger: "So how come you fucked Scotland off to play for Ireland?"
    McArthur: *shakes head and walks away*
     
    Onto the final game of the 2012-13 campaign, and it's somewhat fitting that I finish my last round up of the season doing something that I've been doing all year - ripping into Stoke City. They led 1-0 at St Mary's though a smart Crouch header, but Ricky Lambert equalised and that's how it finished.  It turned out to be Tony Pulis' last game as he would leave the club by mutual consent a few days later.  More on that shortly, but the game was also the last time we'd see Michael Owen on a football field.  
     
    Considering the fanfare given to other player's of Michael's era, the likes of Carragher and Scholes, it's a little sad the way he kind of slipped out of the back door whilst the nation was all looking in the other direction at players more deserving.  I was fortunate enough to be invited to 'Carra's' retirement party, and as I looked around and saw so many people present who have such respect, admiration and love for Jamie and all that he has done for his club, I found myself thinking about Owen and wondering what he was doing at that moment.  
     
    I imagined him sat in an empty room, wearing a little party hat, drinking a glass of champagne on his own, wondering where the hell everybody was only to discover they were all at either Carragher or Scholes' parties.  It's a genuine shame how Michael's career came to such an ignominious end, but it's his own doing really.
     
    Another player who may well have been making his last appearance for Stoke was Begovic, who is being strongly linked with a move to Anfield.  I say strongly linked, what I mean is 'he is telling anyone who'll listen that he hopes to be moving to Anfield.'  Nothing against him, but I hope this isn't the case as it will mean Reina has left.  If it does come down to that and Pepe departs, we could do a lot worse than Begovic I guess, although I've not paid close enough attention to him to have any strong feelings either way.
     
    He's looked good for Stoke, but that doesn't mean he'd look good for us.  I mean, is he any good on crosses?  How can you even form an opinion on that when he never has to come for any?  Dealing with crosses is a hell of a lot easier when you can just stand back and watch one of the half dozen Brontosauruses in your team just head them clear.  He won't have that if he comes here, so who knows if he can cope with it.
     
    I mean, Spartacus was a real bad ass back in the day, but if his army had consisted of flower arrangers and accountants rather than trained gladiators and escaped soldiers that had been captured and enslaved by the Romans, would he have fared as well?  I'm guessing no, and that would be the worry I'd have with Begovic.  Not that I'm suggesting Agger and Skrtel are flower arrangers, even if Skrtel has played like one at times. *cough* Oldham *cough* Benteke *cough* Kenwynne Jones.
     

    Speaking of Spartacus though, I've just been watching "Blood and Sand' and he was fighting this giant called Theokoles. I've seen all of these episodes before but I'm watching them again for like the third or fourth time as I'm a little bit obsessed with the whole legend of Spartacus to tell you the truth.  Anyway, this Theokoles is the biggest, ugliest, scariest looking bastard you'll ever see. If Theokoles were alive today, he'd be playing for Stoke, that's how big, scary and ugly he was.  And if he were playing for Stoke, Tony Pulis would be telling everyone what a good honest lad he is with no malice in him.  Yeah he may go around chopping people's heads off with swords, but you'll never catch him diving to win a free-kick as he's a good pro and a lovely lad.  
     
    I'm actually going to miss Pulis I think, as it's not going to be as much fun hating on Stoke without him patrolling the sideline in his Sports Direct snide gear.  I'd like to see him stay in the Premier League just so I can continue slaughtering him, but what club would hire someone like him?  
     
    Let's see, it'd have to be a club that's used to having a manager with a huge chip on his shoulder and doesn't mind him wearing a cheap looking tracksuit on the touchline.  A club that's comfortable with their manager kissing up to Alex Ferguson at every opportunity and complaining about referees after any bad result.  Obviously it would have to be a club that doesn't turn their nose up at 'direct' football and that has a couple of giants in the squad to play the 'Pulis way'. 
     
    * Puts on Lloyd Grossman voice *  Now who owns a club like that... Bill, it's over to you….
     
     
     
    That's about all, but before I go here's a couple of alternative teams of the year I've been picking throughout the season.
     
    "Better than you think he is XI"
     
    GK:  Artur Boruc; RB: Emerson Boyce, LB: Ben Davies, CB: Gareth McAuley, CB: James Tomkins; CM: Mohamed Diame, CM: Morgan Schneiderlin;  AMR: Jason Puncheon, AMC: Robert Snodgrass,  AML: Wayne Routledge; CF: Andy Carroll:
     
     
    "Twats of the season XI"
     
    GK:  Jussi Jaaskelainen - For continued scruffiness and failing to acknowledge the applause of the Kop. Scruffy Twat.
     
    RB:  Kyle Walker - Dives a lot and has stupid haircuts. Couldn't think of any other right back more worthy so he got the nod. Twat by Default.
     
    LB:  Leon Barnett -  Earns his place after assaulting Suarez in the penalty area and then racing to the referee to claim Luis should be booked for diving.  He can play out of position at left back as punishment.  Cheeky Twat.
     
    CB:  Johnny Evans (captain) - Snide of a player who seems untouchable. Babyfaced Twat.
     
    CB:  Jonas Olsson - An absolute thug.  Dirty Twat.
     
    CM:  Yohan Cabaye - Look up the words 'snide little shitbag' in the French dictionary, and you'll see a picture of this snide little shitbag.  Snide Twat.
     
    CM:  Marouane Fellaini - He'd elbow his own granny in the face just for passing him on the stairs. Elbowing Twat.
     
    AMC:  Samir Nasri - Lesbian looking shithouse who moved out of the way of a free-kick in City's most important game of the season.  Cowardly Twat.
     
    AMR:  Peter Odemwingie - A shoe in after his antics in January.  It may have been hilarious to watch, but it doesn't change the fact he's a… Silly Twat.
     
    AML:  Gareth Bale - Great player, really enjoy watching him but he's so damn unlikeable. Unlikeable Twat.
     
    CF:  Fernando Torres - Fuck you Torres, this is the only 'team of the season' you'll be getting selected to.  I even had to select a 4231 just to accommodate him, as the fucking rat can't play up front with a partner.  Chelsea Twat.
     
    Manager:  Alex Ferguson - No explanation needed.  Sir Twat.
     
     
    There you have it then, that's it for another season.  If you've enjoyed these round ups, and of course the match reports, then you can show your appreciation by purchasing my second book which will be out during the summer and will contain all of the match reports and weekly round ups from this season, as well as other content that you won't have read before (because I haven't actually written it yet).  
     
    And don't forget, you can read all of last season's reports and round ups in my first book, 'the King's Last Stand', which is available from our webstore, or in Kindle form on Amazon.
     
    Thanks for reading what I've had to say, and I'll be back with more at the start of next season.
     
    Enjoy your summer.
     
    Dave
×
×
  • Create New...