This is traditionally the time of year in the NFL when coaches get fired but the Premier League have given them a run for their money this week with managers dropping like flies. Warnock got the push at Palace, which was a little surprising until it emerged they’d lined up their old boy ‘Slimer’ as his replacement. Then Alan Irvine got the bullet at West Brom, the only surprise there was that he got the job in the first place when my man Tim Sherwood was available. The Baggies have the chance to rectify that error by begging Tim and his ‘gilet’ to give them a second chance. Whoever their chairman is, make it so.
Irvine paid the price for a disappointing start to the season and two defeats over Christmas. They got spanked at home by strikerless City on Boxing Day and then lost 2-0 at Stoke. They were 3-0 down to City after half an hour or so and the boos were ringing around the Hawthorns. There were empty seats all over the place, which is always going to be alarming to a club’s owners. If they didn’t take the piss so much with pricing they wouldn’t have to worry about fans staying away, but if you’re gonna charge top dollar then you sure as hell better deliver a decent ‘product’ on the field.
Elsewhere, Chelsea won the battle of London’s top two sides on Boxing Day as goals from Mongo and Diego Costa (great goal, horrible bastard) gave them a comfortable victory over West Ham. Gary Cahill said afterwards it was important to win as “Manchester City are breathing behind us”. *shakes head*
Ivanovic became the latest Chelsea player to be booked for an outrageous dive. More on this later, but Phil Neville said he was “entitled to go down” to try and win a penalty for his team. Diving scumbags have to stick together I guess.
Poor Phil though, he spent his entire playing career in his brother’s shadow and now he’s following suit as a pundit, as ‘Gareh’ pisses all over him in that department too. Is there anything at all he could do better than his big brother? I don’t think so, not unless the BBC decide to remake Steptoe & Son and need someone to play the part of the old man. “Haaaarold!! Haaaarold!!”
Hey, I just noticed Oscar is wearing number 8 for Chelsea this season. Didn’t waste much time did he? No sooner had Fat Frank waddled off into the Manhattan / Mancunian sunset, that chinless little dweeb was calling dibs on his shirt number. That’s how they do it at the Bridge though, you snooze you lose. Just ask Wayne Bridge.
United had a comfortable home win over a Newcastle side who included a 17 year old with a full beard. Makes me sick that, if I spent my NEXT 17 years growing a beard I doubt I could manage it as my facial hair growing capabilities are a constant source of disappointment to me. Still, the good Lord has compensated me with a spectacular head of hair so I mustn’t gripe.
Newcastle actually started the game in lively fashion before being undone by a great team goal finished off by Rooney. The potato headed frontman / turned midfielder quickly added a second and later created the third for Van Persie. Cisse’s late penalty gave Newcastle a consolation and sparked chants of “We’re gonna win 4-3” from the away end. “The best chant of the season” declared the MOTD commentator, who presumably doesn’t get out much. “A fantashtic Chrishtmash for us” said Van Gaal afterwards. I do kinda like him, I can’t help it. Don’t hate me.
Moving swiftly on, Arsenal had a rather fortuitous win over QPR at the Emirates. Sanchez - brilliant once again… grrrrr - won and then missed a penalty before he did eventually open the scoring. Giroud was then sent off after losing his cool and sticking his head in Onuoha’s face, who went down like a sack of shite and left the ref with no choice but to produce a red card. Wenger had a face like thunder as Giroud walked past him. Not even the Monsieur Magoo could claim to have not seen that one.
Obviously my ma was revelling in it, but I felt a little bad for Giroud as Onuoha had given him a sly push in the back to send him hurtling dangerously towards the keeper. He had every right to be angry and it wasn’t exactly a head butt was it? I don’t think players should be sent off for that but rules are rules and he gave the ref no choice, especially once Onuoha milked it.
Anyway, Rosicky added a second and Arsenal looked to be cruising until QPR were awarded a ridiculous penalty when Debuchy won the ball and the artist formerly known as ‘my boy Junior Hoilett’ tumbled over his leg. I used to like Hoilett a lot until he went crap, I’m fickle like that. Ironically the penalty was converted my ‘new’ boy, Charlie Austin.
After that QPR piled on the pressure and were denied a blatant penalty when Gibbs tackled Zamora before the ball even reached him. As clear a penalty as you’ll see but this time the ref bottled it. QPR got into loads of good positions but Hoilett’s delivery was so bad he should probably be called Junior Toilet. No wonder he’s not my boy anymore.
Sunderland lost at home to Hull, as my brother in law’s worst fears were brought to life. Losing to ‘parsnip nose nans hair’ did indeed ruin his Christmas. I know it was bad as I never heard a peep from him until our game the following Monday night when Andre Marriner didn’t spot Jonjo elbowing Emre Can and I got a text complaining about Marriner not giving them three blatant penalties against ‘that fat geordie twat’.
It all started so well for them too, as Adam Johnson scored after 30 seconds following horrific defending by Curtis Davies. It went downhill fast from there as Hull equalised when a Gaston Ramires shot hit a divot and bounced over the unfortunate Pantilimon’s dive. Chester headed a second and Jelavic wrapped it up with a break in stoppage time. Steve Bruce probably felt like running on the field and dropping a log in the centre circle, but he showed admirable restraint and settled for some mild fist pumping instead.
Hey guess what, Tottenham won 2-1 yet again. Every fucking week now. Harry Kane was on loan at Leicester not so long ago, so you’d think he might have refrained from celebrating against them after scoring. Not a bit of it though, he ran off ‘shushing’ the fans, which seems a little bit classless unless they were giving him shit.
Ulloa equalised with his first goal since September and it was no more than Leicester deserved. They battered Spurs after that and were denied by the bar and Lloris before Eriksen won it with a free-kick that the keeper really should have kept out. Leicester should have had a penalty and then Morgan failed to convert from three yards. He’d have buried it at the other end.
Palace were turned over at home by Southampton and not even the inclusion of J-Punch could inspire Neil Warnock’s strugglers. Mane opened the scoring after a lovely ball by Ward-Prowse. Bertrand doubled their lead with a tremendous finish and the impressive Alderweireld made it 3-0 with a thumping header. Scott Dann managed a late consolation but Palace were well beaten.
Warnock said afterwards that “QPR will be rubbing their hands together about facing us after that defending”. There was to be no ‘us’ as he wasn’t in the dug out when they went to Loftus Road. The decision to sack him seemed to come out of the blue a little but it all made sense a couple of days later when it emerged something was brewing with Pardew. I’ll get to that in a bit.
It’s been a miserable Christmas for our unfriendly neighbours as they lost both games over the Festive period. If he’s not careful the thin Spanish waiter might be joining Irvine and Warnock on the unemployed managers shelf. Patience is wearing very thin with ‘Bobby Martin’ in the Blue third of the city. They even took the big banner of him down outside the Pit and replaced it with the ‘Holy Trinity’. The original one of Ball, Kendall and Harvey, not the sequel of Horne, Ebbrell and big Joe Parkinson.
Anyway, Stoke turned them over at Goodison as Lee Mason conducted his annual “screw over anyone scouse on Boxing Day” routine. The penalty he gave Stoke was dubious at best and he should have sent off Walters for hauling back Bilbo Baines as he ran through the middle. Gareth Barry got away with murder though, probably due to his Man City past as we all know how Mason loves Citeh (and United). Has no-one told him that Evertonians actually love Mancs?
Speaking of Mason, Agbonlahor started for Villa at Swansea after having that ridiculous red card rescinded. Sigurdsson’s brilliant free-kick decided the game but Villa gave a decent account of themselves and deserved at least a point, especially as they were denied a pen when Williams shoved Agbonlahor in the back as he ran clear.
Onto the weekend games now, and suddenly our crap performance at Burnley didn’t look so crap as the Clarets came from 2-0 down to get a draw against City. They drew 3-3 there a few years ago too, which considering how good City’s home record has been over recent years is really surprising. Pity Burnley weren’t in the Premier League last year, we might have won the damn thing.
Have you noticed how nearly every goal City score comes from some quick passing around the box and someone getting to the byline and cutting it back. They’re incredible at it, it’s almost impossible to stop too, as we discovered at Anfield last year. Silva’s opener was textbook City. Their second was a screamer from Fernandinho and at 2-0 they looked to be cruising.
An offside Boyd pulled one back seconds after the restart when he got a faint touch on a shot from Ings to divert the ball past Hart, and Barnes drilled in an equaliser with nine minutes left. City were booed off. Some seriously short memories there it would seem.
Sean Dyche said afterwards “It’s only a point”. I like that, most managers in his position would be singing from the rooftops about getting a point at the home of the Champions. I hope Burnley stay up.
Newcastle have had a weird season haven’t they. They started terribly and Pardew was getting dogs abuse. They then ended up in the top four after a good run and Pardew was suddenly not getting dogs abuse anymore. Recently they’ve reverted to type and have been losing again so, yep, you guessed it, Pardew was getting shit again and he’s now decided to skip toon.
They went a goal down to Wigan, I mean Everton, when Kone scored early on. Robles was in goal, Alcarez was at the back, McCarthy in midfield and Kone up top. All that was missing was Emerson Boyce at right back and Callum McManaman on the wing. Whatever happened to him by the way? I remember some fella giving me all kinds of stick on twitter a few years ago after I took the piss out of McManaman saying he was a flash in the pan who wouldn’t amount to anything. 1-0 to me I’d say.
Anyway, what the hell is going on with the Blues? Baines was playing as a number ten and they had some left back I’d never heard of playing. Do they have a massive injury crisis or is Martinez deliberately trying to get the sack? Maybe he’s got his eye on the Toon job.
They’re not getting much help from refs though to be fair. After the Mason debacle on Boxing Day they were on the receiving end again when Cisse got away with a nasty elbow to the face of Coleman. Bad that, he missed with his first two goes and then clobbered him at the third attempt. He got a lesser punishment than Shelvey did even though it was far more malicious.
Not that I’m complaining, he scored the equaliser against the Blues so I’m all for some leniency in this case. Perez made it 2-1 thanks to some horrible defending and the ‘Ginger Pirlo’ (© the Owl) added a third after yet more shocking defensive play. Mirallas pulled one back late on but that’s how it finished.
Everton are even worse at defending than we are. Martinez is slowly transforming them into his old Wigan side, both in terms of personnel and the fact they leak like a sieve.
Pards wouldn’t talk afterwards as rumours surfaced about him going back to Palace. Newcastle probably can’t believe their luck, as that 36 year contract they tied him down to means they’ll actually get compensation for him. Mike Ashley ladies and gentlemen, what a businessman. He’s even considering giving the job to Colloccini, which is also a stroke of genius as it means saving on wages. Still, if he’s giving the job to one of the players I can’t help but think Steven Taylor would be a better choice. Not if you’re a Newcastle fan of course (although he is a Geordie so I expect they’d be all for it), but it would be fucking ace for the rest of us.
Arsenal had another fortunate win over London opposition last weekend. This time it was West Ham on the receiving end. Song had a goal controversially ruled out for offside early on. His shot went straight in but there were three Hammers players offside in front of the keeper. Technically the right call but usually you’ll get away with that.
West Ham made all the early running but were sucker punched with a soft penalty when Reid brought down Cazorla, who picked himself up and converted the spot kick. Welbeck quickly added a second and although Wily. E. Coyote pulled one back for the Hammers Arsenal held on once again.
Hull followed up their surprise win at Sunderland by losing at home to Leicester. The Foxes hadn’t won for 90 odd days or something, so this was pretty grim for Hull. Not the first time the words ‘grim’ and ‘Hull’ have been used in the same sentence that.
Mahrez got the only goal of the game with a nice strike from distance and they spent the rest of the game surviving one scare after another as Hull wasted a boatload of chances.
Stoke beat West Brom with a brace from Diouf to seal the fate of Alan Irvine, who cried in the dressing room afterwards according to reports. The West Brom fans gave him a load of abuse and it was either that or the knowledge of what was coming that reduced him to tears. Call me heartless and insensitive if you like, but if a manager is crying like a 40 year old women at a Take That concert in front of the players after a defeat then he’s got to go surely? Allardyce was getting pelters from West Ham fans for 12 months, could you imagine him pulling that kind of lame shit?
Managerless Palace went to QPR and came away with a goalless draw. My boy Jase looks to have a spring in his step again now that big bad Colin Wanker isn’t there cramping his style. He almost broke the deadlock with a superb curler but was denied by the post and later forced two good saves from Green. I bet Pards can get him flying again.
Aston Nilla drew yet another blank but this time kept a clean sheet to earn a point against Sunderland, despite having Delph sent off for a lunge on Gomez. Bad, bad Christmas period for the Mackems, but it could have been worse. At least Roy Keane wasn’t in the opposing dug out.
United and Spurs also drew 0-0 but that was mainly down to Lloris who made some great saves. Spurs had chances too and Kane was very good again. He gets through some work that lad doesn’t he? Makes Dirk Kurt look like Christian Ziege.
Elsewhere, Tom ‘turned down Inter Milan, honestly’ Ince came on as a late sub for Hull but amazingly couldn’t inspire a comeback. Scary to think that if Karl Oyston wasn’t such a knobhead Ince would have been playing for us now and we’d be watching Coutinho tearing shit up for Southampton. Actually no, Ince would be on loan somewhere and we’d probably have just paid £30m for Coutinho last summer. Always liked that Karl Oyston…
Southampton have got the rig back on the road now haven’t they? They lost five on the bounce but they’ve recovered well and held Chelsea to a draw at St Mary’s. Mane gave them the lead after beating the offside trap and lifting it over Courtois. I don’t think he’s anything special by any means but he’s decent and he’s exactly the kind of player we should have as a back up option for our forward positions. He’d be miles more effective than Mario for example.
Hazard equalised and both teams had chances but Southampton held out for a point despite having Schneiderlin sent off. Predictably, all the headlines afterwards were made by you know who. Fabregas was wrongly booked for a dive which prompted Mourinho to say there’s a ‘campaign’ against Chelsea. Sorry, but if there was a campaign against Chelsea I’m pretty sure that not only would I be aware of it, I’d be fucking leading it.
You know how much of a twat Mourinho is though? He actually made John Terry seem like a decent, rational human being afterwards. Mongo said it looked like a foul to him but it’s difficult for referees and you just have to get on with it. Mourinho? He blamed it on pundits and rival coaches for highlighting all the dives his players have been doing all season. Ironic really, as this time last year he was accusing Suarez of diving after he was booted up in the air by Eto’o.
For once the Chelsea player didn’t actually dive this time but it’s the boy who cried wolf isn’t it? They’ve been taking the piss all season and refs watch MOTD every week too, you can’t blame them for thinking the worst every time one of their players hits the deck. I just hope that they don’t all shit their pants after him crying conspiracy, because this kind of thing worked for Ferguson for 20 years.
Jesus Christ, I’ve just had a horrible thought. Imagine if Mourinho stayed at Chelsea for the amount of time Ferguson was at United. On that note, Happy New Year.
Dave
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