Manchester City have been creaking like a rusty old barn door in a hurricane of late. A draw with Celtic followed by getting their arses handed to them by Spurs, and now drawing with Everton before Leo Messi put them over his knee and spanked them in the Nou Camp.
Suddenly they aren’t the unbeatable team some would have had you believe. Maybe Flat Track Pep isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread. Who knew?
Listen, if my life depended on picking this season’s champions, I’d still go with City, but it’s not the foregone conclusion most seemed to think it was. That said, they fucking hammered Everton on Saturday and it’s hilarious they somehow found a way to not win.
I fancied Everton to give them a real game so when I heard the result I was congratulating myself on knowing my shit. Then I watched the highlights and realised it was a complete fluke and this game was totally one sided. Everton could barely get out of their own half and had just 27% possession, although apparently Jose Mourinho’s stats guy says it was 40%.
De Bruyne and Aguero both had pens saved by Stekelenburg and in between Lukaku scored a brilliant goal on the break to put the Blues ahead. Nolito equalised with his first touch after coming on but it’s two more points dropped for City and they’re no longer out on their own at the top. They’re only one win ahead of 5th placed Chelsea now.
Everton are just a point further back, and I have to admit I really like Koeman. Obviously I don’t want to as he’s a blueshite now, but he’s a good guy and a good manager, so the sooner a big club takes note of that and swoops for him the better.
City followed up that draw with a loss in the Champions League. They didn’t actually play too badly against Barca but that Claudio Bravo is a fucking clown and he turned what would have been a narrow defeat into a convincing one.
My arl fella is obsessed with how shit Bravo is, so when I heard he’d dropped another clanger in this game my first thought was “Great, I’ll never hear the end of this now”. Honestly, any time City are mentioned he goes off on one about that keeper and how shit he is.
His standard comment on shit keepers is “He’s even worse than Mignolet”, but in Bravo’s case that’s definitely true. He’s like Grobbelaar only without the spectacular saves and game throwing.
I can’t laugh at Bravo too much though because Karius has been so fucking dodgy that even my dad wants Mignolet back between the sticks. Now bear in mind, he hates Mignolet so much that he was not only on the Bogdan bus last season, he was driving the fucking thing and would still have picked him over Simple Simon even AFTER what he did at Watford, so that tells you just how bad he thinks Karius is, and right now I can’t even put up an argument.
Actually I must ask him who he thinks is worse, Bravo or Karius, that’ll keep him occupied for a few hours I reckon. He might even switch Judge Judy off and let my mum watch the telly for once while he ponders that one.
Moving on now, and Bournemouth absolutely murdered Hull on Saturday. I fancied a draw, but bloody hell, Hull were diabolical. They started the season well but we’re seeing their true colours now. And those colours are brown; dogshit brown.
Mike Phelan had just been given the job permanently a few days earlier too. I could have understood that decision after three games, but why wait until now and then give him the job when they’d started to go into a nosedive? Why do Hull’s owners do anything though? They do it because they’re fucking clueless, that’s why, like most owners in football these days.
At least Phelan wasn’t making any excuses and took the blame himself, saying his gameplan was too offensive and left the players exposed. Fair play, some managers - I’ll mention no names - just blame the referee or their fat young left back when they lose a game.
As bad as Hull were though, Bournemouth deserve credit as they were very good. Daniels got the first after a Stanislas free kick had come back off the post, but Mason equalised with Hull’s first shot of the game, a wicked deflection that gave the keeper no chance.
Cook restored the home side’s lead just before the break and a minute later it was 3-1 as Snodgrass was harshly adjudged to have fouled Wilson in the box. Stanislas cooly converted the pen, and then grabbed his second of the game in the second half. Wilson headed a fifth and that Gosling jabroni wrapped it up late on.
Still no ninety minutes for Jack Wheelchair though, the bum.
Elsewhere, fucking Arsenal won again, their sixth on the bounce now. They were hanging on at the end when Swansea got back to 3-2 after Xhaka was sent off, but the Goon squad held firm to go joint top with City.
Swansea of course have a new manager now after they sacked Guidolin following his rather unfortunate loss to us the other week. No surprise that we went, but it was a surprise that they replaced him with Bob fucking Bradley. “Giggseh” had been the red hot favourite for that job but when he was overlooked he gave it the old “didn’t fancy her anyway, lad” spiel. Swansea are probably a lesbian, eh Ryan?
Bradley makes me laugh though. He doesn’t look like a footy manager at all and he was dressed in a tight fitting black jumper and black trousers. He looked like he should be delivering milk tray, not team talks.
He certainly doesn’t sound like a footy manager either, but there’s nothing he can do about that as it’s impossible for an American manager to sound like anything other than an American sports coach. I watch a shitload of US sports and Bradley came across exactly like every college or NFL coach you hear. “The guys played hard… we’ve gotta get better…. I’ve gotta do a better job coaching these guys…” etc etc. How long will he last? About as long as the last fella I’d guess.
As for Arsenal, well Walcott scored twice and also added another one in a Champions League rout of Ludogorets in midweek. He’s having one of those spells he’s had every year since he was 18. Alright Theo, you’ve had your fun, you can get back on the treatment table any time now.
The previous two Champions met at Stamford Bridge and Chelsea won it comfortably. Leicester just can’t be arsed with league games anymore can they? Of course they won their third CL game in a row in midweek though, the big time bastards.
Maybe one of the reasons they do better in Europe is because set-pieces aren’t as important in those games? Over here, virtually everybody is dangerous from corners (us and Arsenal being the two glaring exceptions of course) and Leicester have forgotten how to defend them.
Look at how easy it was for Costa to open the scoring in this game. I just don’t know what the fuck Leicester are even trying to do there, they’re just hideous from corners. Drink water didn’t cover the near post and Morgan just switched off and stood still, allowing Costa about six yards of space in the box. Amateurish.
Hazard made it 2-0 when the ball fortuitously broke to him and Victor fucking Moses made it 3-0 after a great assist by that Chalobah kid. Moses kissed the Chelsea badge after scoring. Fuck off lad. The last player who genuinely gave a shit and took pride in being a Chelsea player was probably Gianfranco Zola.
Don’t give me “Captain Leader Legend Racist Big Brave JT” as that cunt threatened to leave for Man City unless Chelsea doubled his salary. I’ll maybe give you Fat Frank, but the others are only there for a paycheque. Which is fair enough, I mean what is there to take pride in about being a Chelsea player? Moses has been at Chelsea five years and spent three of them at other clubs, yet here he is badge kissing. Fucking hell.
Leicester’s players were wearing black armbands because the King of Thailand passed away this week. What the fuck? Presumably this is because Leicester’s owners are from Thailand? Is this what we’re going to be subjected to now? Will our players have to wear them if that arse candle Trump wins the US election? Actually probably not, those FSG cunts are probably all Trump supporters anyway.
Moving on, and Spurs are still unbeaten, but only just. They need a last minute equaliser from Deli Alli to escape defeat at West Brom, for whom Spurs old boy Nacer Chadli had scored. I know I’ve said it before, but Spurs will regret selling him and keeping that Lamela jabroni instead.
That said, his goal came from a corner, which should surprise nobody as it’s West Brom. I saw a stat that said they’ve scored more set-piece goals than anyone, which wasn’t a shock. What did take me aback is it’s only four goals. How can that be, it seems like they score from corners every week? Instead it’s every other week. Hopefully that means we’re safe this weekend, although I wouldn’t bet on it.
Stoke finally got a win but Sunderland are still waiting after the two basement dwellers met at the Britannia. Wait, it’s not the Britannia anymore is it? * googles * It’s the Bet365 stadium now. I’m not calling it that, it doesn’t feel right.
This is what happens though when you sell your soul and allow some corporate cunts to use their name with your stadium. Inevitably they eventually decide they don’t want to pay for it anymore, and in fairness to Britannia, why would they when knobheads like me will still be calling it the Britannia in ten years time. Bolton still play at the Reebok Stadium in my world. They don’t in the real world, but how many of you can name their stadium without looking it up? Exactly, that’s my point.
Wee Joe was the difference between the two sides as he bagged another couple of goals in a 2-0 win (he scored a belter for Wales in midweek too). As bad as Stoke have been, he’s been class all season. Not gonna lie, I wish we’d kept him.
As for Sunderland, did you know they’ve signed fucking Victor Anichebe? Unbelievable. It’ll be “Hibbo” next, you just wait and see. Enough is enough now Mackems, just sack Moyes and get Fat Sam back in there. You know you’re going to end up doing it eventually, so why waste time? If you do it now you might have a chance of staying up.
West Ham finally ended their bad run with a win at Palace. Their goal was nice, a good cross by Cresswell and a lovely finish from Lanzini. Benteke should have equalised when he won a penalty but put it wide. He then hit the post with a header and it just wasn’t his day, or Pardew’s who looked like a drowned rat on the touchline. A drowned love rat.
Cresswell was sent off for two yellows; the first for a dive, the second for a foul on Zaha. Both were ridiculous decisions (the dive was actually a pen and the foul wasn’t a foul) but Martin Atkinson is a law unto himself so that’s the risk you run any time he’s in charge.
Sunday’s games were shite. I know everyone has to have their share of games, but would it not make more sense to let the shitty teams on when they’re playing a big club rather than when they’re playing eachother?
Let’s be honest here, no-one wants to be watching Boro v Watford or Southampton v Burnley. Stick one of them on Saturday and if you must show one of the little ’uns last weekend then stick Everton’s game at City on instead.
For the record, Watford won at Boro and my boy Charlie Austin inspired Southampton to a comfortable 3-1 win over the Clarets, but no-one really cares. Super Sunday? Behave yourselves.
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