whistler

I reckon he's fairly decent, but I thin what we seem to forget about Alex Oxlaide-Chamberlain is his shitty injury record. Constantly picking up little niggles, the odd three weeks etc. etc. Can his fitness be relied on? Not sure

can anybody think of a more cap/glasses manager stand-off than Pulis/Klopp? Been wracking my brain for hours and it’s driving me up the wall. Won't sleep tonight.

actually wrote my thoughts on what James Milner is for Mundial, football mag. The editor is a red and - in spite of my nonsense - it's a great read. Would definitely recommend: http://mundialmag.com/

Lovren reminds me of Susan Sarandon. Google her and 9/10 people will know her name just from her face. She's been around for a long time and always timing in around halfway through people's conversations about Hollywood. Susan will work until she croaks it. But when it's a lazy Sunday, you flick on ITV4, see Susan Sarandon's little face on a grainy picture and think, 'Ahhhh, Susan...'. But sinking back into your chair, something will hit you. Scene by scene, you'll think: 'That wasn't great...', 'Bit strange, that' - and slowly, but surely - with every over-acted move or poorly delivered bit of dialogue - you'll start to realise that she's not good in this film. Then you'll start thinking about her career, and the coffee cup will drop: she's never actually been good in anything! That the idea of Susan Sarandon is much better than Susan Sarandon. You'll think about telling everybody of your discovery; letting the world know that Sarandon is a lie. And then you'll stop and think. It's too late. We've been in bed with Susan too long, and we've got more to lose if we out her now. Let's just quietly let her exist, look good from a distance, and hope nobody notices. Lovren.

I really, really wish we'd signed Bacca that summer Suarez left.

I doubt we'll be as fierce away from home without that raw pace of Mané, so I think it will work out well being frequently at home, as we're infinitely better at breaking down sides who sit back with Coutinho in the team.

Based on no research and very much guesswork, am I right by assuming that - due to the Plymouth replay - Mané will be away for one league game less? So that tepid performance against League Two's Plymouth Argyle alllll of a sudden makes sense... Klopp has played a blinder here.

Need Lallana in midfield, don't we? Lack a lot when he's in the front 3. As shite as he's been, I think Can will play like he did against City, to stand up whatever mutants José is playing in the middle at the moment.

Weird player, isn't he? Absolutely superb when led by a decent, capable manager. However, if led by a dinosaur like Hodgson or even Mancini, he's lobotomised. Milner is like a philosophical concept for a manager; he is a reflection of them. Like this guy: https://youtu.be/XIizh6nYnTU?t=80

holy fuck

Ohhhhh, you mean Simon the Robot? Nah, too frightened I'd fuck it. Once you go bot, nothing else hits the spot

Cheers. Simon Childs? If so, no. But I think I will tomorrow.

I mean, I did reach the journalistic nirvana with this thing: http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/i-built-an-affordabe-sex-robot So what else is there left to do other than pick my belly button, learn German and cross my fingers that Jurgen's into it.

wait, what?

2 months into weekly German lessons so that, one day, I can interview Jurgen

presumably - perhaps that's why Ian Ayre followed him to the toilet repeating 'love me'?

One of his close mates was watching the game in the Park on Saturday. 6ft 5/6 Senegalese guy who said they played 5-a-side together etc. called bullshit and he got out his iPad and showed pics of them all playing in some little park the other day. "He's difficult to defend against." No shit!

And he's aiming for a whole different set of goals nowadays https://www.google.co.uk/amp/www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/paedophile-footballer-adam-johnson-starts-8075065.amp?client=safari#

That's true. To say he has one thing on his mind is almost generous.

Yeah, I know I know, it's a fair point. The thing is though, he's so brainless and obstructive to the whole way a team plays. It's what's prevented him from ever playing at the top level.

Let's play Jenas in just behind the onion tripod.

I'd rather set up a tripod in the 18yd box and hang a sack of onions from it than have Defoe up front for us.

Fucking hell. Why are people still suggesting that Liverpool Football Club buy Jermaine Defoe in 2016?

I suffer with mild autism. If you come into my home, you'll see all left foot shoes and gloves under the clothes rail; piles of tomato ketchup bottles next to Bordeaux reds; Angel delight satchets, matchboxes, playing cards and other small rectangular objects stacked in columns in the corner. This order to my universe enables me to function: to breathe and sleep at night. It has brought me great, great solace that - after years - all of the cunts are now in one pile together.