Harry Squatter

As someone has just said, there were enough photographers there and CCTV which all of a sudden went missing. To this day there has never been one photograph or camera still that shows any Liverpool fan robbing dead people, pissing on dead bodies or police officers or anyone molesting dead female fans. No one has ever put their name to the allegations either.

It was, I think my brother was trying to inject a bit of humour into it and get everyone to loosen up but a lot of them were hyacinth bucket types who didn't take kindly to him taking the piss. I just put my head in my hands and said "tap me on the shoulder when it's safe to look up"

At my mates 45 grand wedding one of the lads i met on the stag do nicked a golf cart and drove it into the lake at the golf course attached to the hotel where the reception was. I was with a load of people from work and he said to me in front of them "come on there's fuckin loads of them there lets turn the lake into a canal with loads of Iceland trollies in it" I politely declined in front of about half the staff from my office.

My mate went to his sister in laws wedding and the best man did his speech using a PowerPoint presentation. He said it was the lamest thing he's ever seen plus the best man was a proper square and didn't say anything remotely funny. My brother was best man for his mate who had married his cousin, there was a lot of animosity towards him but my brothers opening line was "when John told me he was marrying Lucy I told him that he was doing well keeping it in the family. He killed the atmosphere stone dead and about 6 tumbleweeds blew past, his family are quite stuck up so wouldnt have seen the funny side of most jokes let alone that one. I'm sure prince Phillip helped him write his speech.

Bit shit on the bird though, should have had the decency to tell her before everyone went out mind you if I was one of the guests I'd be made up and just went off somewhere to get gassed on my own rather than going to some dull as fuck after wedding party

Or parachute in naked with your cock painted bright illuminous green

When I was getting married in sorrento a couple from our hotel were getting married in the same venue in the morning. Anyway 2 hours before the ceremony the groom decided thatt he didn't want to get married and just disappeared to the airport leaving his bird to sort everything out in her wedding dress, she had to travel in the horse drawn carriage to the place to tell everyone who was waiting, the family members said they were going to put him in hospital as they'd spent a fortune getting out there. Probably the most selfish thing I've witnessed. If he didn't want to get married, why wait until the last minute and waste everyone's time and money?

Women doing seating plans for the wedding meal makes me laugh, they end up making it more complicated than an open university Konics equation. "no uncle jack can't sit near aunts Betty because they had an affair 40 years ago and auntie lynn can't sit near so and so etc". Wedding politics!

They should all turn up in maniki's or gimp outfits to piss them off and ruin their wedding photos

This is what happened to my brother, the majority of his mates all got married in the same year and all at these type of places, remote country hotels or church in the middle of nowhere, one taxi firm I the locality ripping everyone off, fiver a pint in the hotel and to stay there is about 150 quid a night. Rules out most people with kids too. All the venues were chosen by the brides as well who probably saw them in some wedding magazine. A mate in work went to a stately home in Northumberland on new years eve for his brothers wedding, couldn't get a taxi from the church, everywhere wAs freezing or covered in snow and the hotels were a rip off

Oh and another thing, when people tell everyone that they are getting married some stupid old bint goes "oooooooh, I'll have to buy a hat" all excited

My mate got married in Cheshire and the entire thing cost a mind boggling 45 grand including the honeymoon, luckily her dad was loaded and paid for everything. Less than a year later both of them had gone their separate ways. The wedding took almost 2 years to plan so it lasted longer than their marriage. The problem with weddings is that you always end up putting someone's nose out of joint. My mum was mortified that I got married abroad because she would have to pay out for flights and hotels. My sister had a face on her the entire time she was there. Had a party back home and fell out with my mum as she kept asking me to invite random family members who I had never seen or had no contact with in years. She also said she was "embarrassed" that I wouldn't invite friends of hers whose kids had invited her to theirs. When I said I didn't give a fuck she sulked big time. I admire people who keep it simple and cut out all these knobheads who appear in wedding magazines who just get into women's heads and make them feel that their wedding will be shite without their involvement. My mate had a good wedding in the Solna hotel by Sefton park, he invited his close family and friends which makes you feel like you're not there to make up the numbers plus he did away with all the traditional and conventional shite and did his own thing

Unreal, it's like something Wigan or Middlesborough would do to entice people to games. They like to point out that we are no longer a big club because we are no longer in the champions league yet when you point out that they cannot be classed as a big club because they have only won one trophy since 1987 and need to advertise season tickets they just change the subject and call us all armchair fans or wall pushers.

Loads are proper Facebook warriors, our start to the season has created great interest amongst them. They were constantly posting messages during the Gomel and hearts games as well as the transfer window. When you point out that they are obsessed with us they won't have it and then all their bitter mates wade in and gang up on you like you've invaded toffee web or blue kipper. Why does every evertonian always have to have z-cars as their ringtone and have it on full blast?

One I know just repeats the same shit "kopites are just armchair fans, we go the game, you go the pub". When I point out that their tickets are readily available and even the manc and derby game never sell out he has no explanation. I also ask if he is such a superfan why he has never been to any away games in his life. I said "is it because you would have to get off your arse and queue or spend a while on the phone to get the tickets rather than just turning up ten minutes before kick off like at your home games?". "Fuck off redshite, how many games have you been to this season, I'll see you in the pub for the next match" They are best ignored but fucking hell I hate these cunts with a passion

People using the phrase 'zero tolerance' all the fucking time, just because the mayor of new York used it 20 years ago doesn't mean you have to apply it to everything. "hmm, we have zero tolerance policy to swearing/bumming/getting your cock out/whistling on a Tuesday" it means absolutely fuck all.

Al, haven't you been to butlins in Kirkuk? Pontins in Mosul is quite decent too

The lad I talked about in my opening post was really lucky I never bumped into him for years as I was fuming about what he did. We both went to Camp America but we both went to different camps in different states and agreed to meet up and go travelling together afterwards. I'd spent 8 months doing a shitty virtual slave labour job fitting it in around my university course and hardly ever went out to save some money for travelling after it as I knew I wouldn't get much money from the camp at the end of the summer. I always tried to justify it by telling myself I'd be on a nice beach in a few months time with lots of fit women. I got asked by some of my coworkers if I would travel with them but I stayed loyal to my mate and turned them down. Got a phone call off him saying that his camp had been extended for another two weeks so I changed my flight to accommodate him but it ended up being more expensive than what i thought. I phoned him the night before I was due to leave my camp and he just said he'd changed his mind and he was going to stay with a family in Chicago. I went off my head calling him a snide self centred twat but he just hung up on me. I was left on my own and unable to afford to go far and everyone else had made other plans so it was too late to do anything. I just ended up staying in New York and went to Washington for a few days before flying home early again as I didn't have enough money to stay out there that long. My mum and dad were on the bones of their arse so couldn't lend me any more cash. My dad had to borrow my uncles car to come and pick me up from heat row as I couldn't get a flight to Manchester. I resented this lad for ages and seriously wanted to kick the shit out of him as I wasted a lot of my hard earned cash changing my flights and staying in places I didn't really want to go to as it was our plan to travel round California. Years later I stopped hating him as I've done lots of travelling since and I think that situation toughened me up a bit as I was a bit naive then. Now I'm just indifferent to him as he still lives with his ma and goes the pub on his own every week.

Fuck off you raging hom turning up once every bommy night and expecting us to drop everything just so you can have a game of footy, run round all night shouting gay sex innuendos and call us all cunts. Stop racing those shit cars and get your priorities right.

The Liverpool Echo constantly reporting gangland murders and glamourising drug dealers who are made out to be master criminals. Anyone would think Liverpool is a pre-batman Gotham City or 1930's Chicago. Every time Curtis Warren puts in another appeal it constitutes a front page headline, the other night they profiled James Pancake Taylor and asked people to grass him up if they seen him in a bar on the Costa Del Sol.

There's literally no point in them going, if you bust a gut and get a big sweat on they look at you as if you are stupid. The exercise bikes are ideal for lazy twats who want to read magazines, why not actually push yourself you fat lazy twats?

Yep, the mass quegs.

My sister is one stupid bitch, she hated some girl who pushed her down some steps in junior school. This girl lived down our road yet my sister blanked her all the time until we moved house. She was 21 when we moved, she's been like that with me over things, she can give people shit but if anyone ever has a go back at her she can't handle it and ignores people for months. I fell out with her over something stupid once as we both work in the same place, she wanted to bin some case onto me that had nothing to do with my department, she got a cob on and ignored me for ages, even on my dads birthday 2 months later she refused to sit near me at a meal or look at me. In short, my sister is a crank.

People who join a gym then go and do absolutely fuck all when they get there. Last night some lad just did about 4 exercises and was constantly texting or on the phone to his mates. Three lads just wandered round aimlessly just talking doing the odd exercise on a weight machine then just sitting there doing nothing or gabbing like a bunch of old women at the bingo The whole point of going is to get fit and exercise not do what you normally do at home watching the telly or sitting round your mates house.

This shite is always sold out at the royal court, must be loads of people who think a man dressed up as an old woman saying fuck, fuck, fuck off and Shoite all the time is comedy gold.