A lot to get through in this one as there was a full programme of midweek fixtures as well as the weekend’s games. Let’s kick things off with the North London derby last Saturday. Obviously I’ve got no love for either of these teams, but Spurs are definitely the lesser of the two evils so I was happy to see them turn Arsenal over, especially as the Gunners were actually leading before losing to a late goal. I’ll never tire of that happening. Fuck Arsenal.
Ozil had opened the scoring after a horrific slice by Giroud set him up. That was the only effort they had in the first half, they were awful really and Spurs made most of the running. Kane equalised with a tap in but the position he took up made it possible. Not enough players hang about on the back post from corners, that’s something that has bothered me for years.
He then headed the winner with a couple of minutes left. Brilliant header it was too, but the novelty is wearing thin now and he needs to revert back to his level and stop this “goal a game” shit he’s pulling. I’ve accepted that he is actually a really good player now but this goalscoring run isn’t the shape of things to come. It can’t be. He’s just in one of those purple patches that strikers sometimes have, it’s not like he’s going to be a 30 goal a season man every year. At least I hope it’s not. And I still don’t like his face.
By the way, is Jonathan Pearce on crack? He went off on one about “that’s a penalty to Arsenal all day long” after Mertesacker took a dive under the slightest touch from Chadli. It was a little grab of his hand, nothing more, but the German toppled over like a big fucking oak tree. I could almost hear yells of “Tiiiiimmmbeeeeerrrr” as he fell, the big cheating bastard. Six foot six and THAT was enough to put him down? Jonathan Pearce is a dickhead, he’s now officially worse than Motson.
Moving swiftly on, and hey guess what, Villa finally managed to score!! It counted for nothing though, as they lost at home to Chelsea. You’d expect that of course, but Mourinho had never beaten them at Villa Park prior to this.
You know who I was wrong about? Tom fucking Cleverly that’s who. When he was at United I thought he was decent, not good enough for a top club but just a step below and a tidy little player. All the stick he got from the press and United fans seemed well harsh to me, but no, they were all right and he is actually proper shite. Even Villa fans think he’s shite, and let’s face it they’d know better than most.
Mourinho’s little tantrum with the press paid dividends as the MOTD interviewer was kissing his arse afterwards, asking him why he’s so happy and smiling. “Because of the BBC. You don’t ask for players to be banned.” Oh fuck off you embarrassing fucking helmet. And fuck off BBC for indulging the egotistic fucking baby. There’s no difference between between Sky, BBC or BT Sport, they all employ pundits who are paid to give opinions on incidents. I’m sure there are people on MOTD who reckon Costa should have been banned, the only difference is that they didn’t show the game, Sky did. You just know everyone at the BBC all had semi’s after hearing him say that though. Losers.
Unfortunately Chelsea are looking like they’ll have little competition for the title as City are underachieving badly and couldn’t even beat Hull at home. In fact, they needed a stoppage time equaliser from Milner to even get a point, the underachieving mercenary twats.
Nasri caused a bit of a stir this week by saying Chelsea “are nothing special”. He’s right, but when you’ve just failed to beat a team that had Paul McShane in it, it’s probably not the right time to be shooting your mouth off.
No sooner had I hit ‘post’ on last week’s round up, it emerged that ‘Arry had left QPR. Initially when I heard he’d quit due to a medical complaint I was waiting for the old “he’s got a bad side” punchline, but this was actually even funnier. He quit because of a bad fucking knee??? The day after the transfer window closed?? And he’d not signed anyone?? Does he really expect anyone to believe that shit? If his knee was stopping him doing his job, why would he not have stepped aside before the window closed, and maybe allowed someone else to try and bring in a player or two?
Apparently he tried to send back a player he’d just loaned from West Ham (Zarate) so he could get another player on loan from West Ham (Matt Jarvis) but it was blocked by the Premier League. He’s a joke isn’t he? Did well at Spurs but he’s been stealing a living at QPR. They’re probably better off without him, let’s face it, they could hardly be much worse than they have been.
They lost to a 93rd minute goal against Southampton. Nice finish by Mane but Southampton really didn’t deserve that winner as QPR were the better side. Not that we’re in any position to be complaining about that after the daylight robbery we committed at Loftus Road.
Elsewhere, Leicester battered Palace but somehow lost 1-0. No-one cared about the result though, all anyone wanted to talk about after this one was the weird incident on the touchline when Nigel Pearson put his hand around the throat of James McArthur after the midfielder had accidentally collided with him. It was just really fucking weird and very uncomfortable to watch.
It wasn’t your usual Wenger / Pardew style loss of temper followed by some handbags, this was a bit disturbing as Pearson tried to give off the air of a man in control of his actions. What the hell was that all about? It looked good natured at first but then it turned a bit sinister as McArthur tried to laugh it off and get back onto the pitch, but Pearson wouldn’t let go of his shirt. He was smiling but it was one of those psychopathic smiles you see a serial killer do in the movies before he impales someone.
Even Pardew knew to keep his distance, and we all how much he loves the aggro. I can’t blame him either, Pearson defo isn’t someone you’d want to cross. If I was forced to enter a steel cage tournament with every manager in football, but was offered a wild card to eliminate one of them before it even started, it would be Pearson all the way (Allardyce would be a not so close second). He’s a stone cold killer that fella, you can tell by the way he carries himself.
He looks like some kind of SAS badass, he even sounds like a squaddie. The story about him fending off a pack of hungry wolves with just a walking stick while backpacking in the Balkans doesn’t surprise me in the slightest, just look at him! He’s got that mental edge to him and total lack of humour that unhinged badasses have. You know what I mean, there’s just something a little off and it makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence. He’s kind of like a more sullen, dangerous version of Roy Keane.
Pearson then took exception to the “three fountains of knowledge” on MOTD (Lineker, SuperDan and Jermaine Jenas this week) for their take on the McArthur incident, and then had a further pop at Lineker by saying “I pay my taxes”. Oof! Lineker hit back via twitter, which kind of tells you all you need to know. Could you imagine Pearson responding to any beef by taking to fucking twitter?
Anyway, things got even more mental when Pearson was then apparently sacked and quickly reinstated. Doesn’t take a genius to guess how that one played out.
Leicester chairman: “Sorry Nigel, we’re going to have to let you go. The press release has just been sent out, thanks for everything you’ve done and good luck for the future.”
NP: *stares while smiling maniacally* “I’m not going anywhere”
Leicester chairman: “Actually yeah, we may have been a bit hasty there. Carry on. We’ll put out another press release saying it was all a misunderstanding.”
To be fair, I wouldn’t sack him either, not until I was out of the country.
Moving on, and Sunderland had a good draw at free falling Swansea. Defoe put them ahead with a typical Defoe goal but Ki equalised. Sunderland should have had a pen when Alvarez was upended by Williams, but Phil Dowd waved it away despite being well placed. He’s making a habit of that lately and almost cost us two points in midweek against Spurs, the fat fuck.
Onto Sunday and Burnley were pegged back from 2-0 up and had to settle for a point at home to West Brom. My boy Ings scored one, made another and picked up the MOTM award from Sky. It was interesting to compare him with another young striker we’re supposed to be interested in; Saido Berahino, who began the game on the bench after running his mouth about wanting to leave. I like both of them, but in NFL scout speak I’d say Berahino has a higher ceiling than Ings but he definitely has a lower floor too, as unlike Ings he’s got some character issues. The fact that he’s got a £20m price tag while Ings is available for peanuts also tips the scales in favour of the Burnley man.
Anyway, Burnley threw this one away by not being able to defend corners. Both West Brom’s goals came from corner kicks and that must be really hard for Sean Dyche to swallow. Mind you, everything must be hard to swallow when you’ve got a small hedgehog lodged in your throat.
Also on Sunday, Newcastle shot themselves in the foot at home to Stoke. They led 1-0 and missed several clear cut chances to finish it before Crouchy came off the bench to head a stoppage time equaliser. I’ll always love Crouchy, good to see he’s still running wild.
Ok I’m putting it out there, the Mancs are the worst team in the top eight. I don’t care what the table says, my eyes are telling me they’re really fucking crap. Every time I watch them they look shit, they’re getting by on a combination of random individual talent and blind luck. They remind me of us under Hodgson, where it’s hard to tell what they’re even trying to do. There’s no system, no style, no identity. They’re just a collection of individuals whose talents range from top draw to dog shit, with most of them somewhere in between.
West Ham completely outplayed them and looked set to pick up the three points until they were hit by a late equaliser after United’s aerial bombardment eventually paid off. “We were undone by long ball United” said Fat Sam. He’s been waiting for this moment for 15 years, the opportunity to make a crack about one of the top teams “out-alehousing” him. I’m surprised he could even get the words out he’ll have been that aroused. Bet that was his sex face he was pulling when he said it too. *shudders*
That in turn led to the bizarre press conference from Van Gaal where he handed out a sheet with all kinds of statistical data and pie charts and shit to show that West Ham were more long ball than United were. “Show that to Big Sam” he instructed an uncomfortable looking press pack. Weird and unnecessary behaviour, but Van Gaal is batshit crazy so none of this surprises me. It’s hugely entertaining though, he’s a funny guy. The league table suggests he’s doing a good job, my gut instincts are screaming out to that me he’s ballsing it up good and proper and it’s only a matter of time until the results start to back that up. Right now they’re the jammiest team in the league, but it won’t last.
They were crap in midweek against Burnley too. They were outplayed for long spells and needed two Chris Smalling goals from corner kicks and a penalty to beat the Clarets, for whom my boy Ings scored yet again. Five in his last six now, he’s on fire. He scores all kinds of different goals too, he’s like a less offensive looking Harry Kane. If they’re going to survive, Burnley need to ditch this bad habit of conceding goals from corners to shite teams.
And what the fuck is that kit of theirs? It’s silver spandex!! They looked like a load of extras from “the Hitman and Her”. Shocking business. Still, it’s good preparation for Ings when he comes here and has to model whatever fucking monstrosity New Balance come up with for our next away kit.
Chelsea v Everton was a bad tempered affair with not much in the way of excitement. Martinez brought his two buses from the derby with him and it worked as they kept Chelsea out until stoppage time when Willian finally broke the deadlock. I never like seeing Chelsea win, but Everton losing to late goals is one of those instant feel good things, like when Roachford’s “Cuddly Toy” comes on the car radio.
Gareth Barry’s fat arse was sent off for two yellows but Ivanovic should also have been told to drag his knuckles off the field for an early bath after slapping a headlock on McCarthy and then giving him a sneaky butt to the back of the head.
Mourinho’s bitching about a “campaign” has paid off for him though as Ivanovic got away with it, the fucking captain caveman looking cunt. Jonathan Pearce asked both managers afterwards that if they see that any of their players did anything wrong in the melee that ensued after Barry was sent off, would they take action. Martinez gave an eloquent explanation of what he felt happened, Mourinho said “see you tomorrow” and stomped off. Just. Fucking. Die.
Someone persuaded him to back (why the fuck anyone would lower themselves to do that?) and he was then asked if it’s fun trying to win the league or if there is too much pressure. “If I wanted to win the league easily I wouldn’t have come to England”. Errrr, no, if you didn’t want to win the league easily you’d go to a club that doesn’t outspend everyone else and begin each season as the clear favourite to win it. If he’s so great, let’s see him go to Villa or somewhere and get them in the top six. He won’t though, he needs the deck stacked in his favour, the massive fucking shitbag.
If Nigel Pearson is the manager I’d least like to fight, this cunt is the one I’d most love to have a crack at.
As for Everton, well Lukaku says he wants to leave them to join a ‘big team’. He’ll get slated for that but in fairness he said the same thing when he signed for them so at least he’s consistent. He’s got a bit of a cheek though considering how average he’s been this season. Martinez using him in the “false 3” (formerly known as the Emile Heskey position) isn’t helping to be fair.
John Carver took on his old boss Pards at Selhurst and it ended all square. Cisse gave Newcastle the lead but Campbell levelled. Bolasie was back from the African Nations, just in time to face us this weekend. Great. Just great.
Brown Ideye and Berahino got the goals as West Brom beat Swansea 2-0. Apparently they paid £10m for Ideye. £10m doesn’t get you much these days does it? Kinell.
West Ham and Southampton drew 0-0 at St Mary’s. Andy Carroll is done for the season with a knee injury. He’s worse than Sturridge isn’t he? Fucking hell, we did a hell of a job getting rid when we did. Tell you who I’m not having. Alex Song. He’s clearly a really good player but I’ve watched him closely the last few weeks as we’ve been linked with a summer move for him. I don’t want him, if he played for us we’d hate him because he’s so fucking casual it’s ridiculous. He plays his team into trouble so often that it completely overshadows all the good things he does. Sorry, I’d rather have Lucas.
Something else I’ve noticed the last couple of weeks. From now on any time I’m not sure about whether a referee has got a decision right or wrong, I’ll just see what Phil Neville says and take the opposite view and I won’t be far wrong. Honestly, he’s a fucking moron.
Arsenal just about beat Leicester, for whom Matthew Upson made his first start of the season. Matthew Upson!!! I thought he was dead. Maybe I’m thinking of Jonathan Woodgate, God rest his soul. The Foxes were probably the better side but just didn’t have the quality in front of goal to make it count. Arsenal were shite again though.
Meanwhile, Villa were beaten by Hull and immediately sacked Lambert. The pointless boring bastards, why don’t they just change their kit to beige and be done with it. Fuck off Villa, off you pop into the Championship and don’t come back.
That now leaves Villa without a manager and possibly fighting QPR for any good available candidates. QPR couldn’t win an away game under Redknapp but no sooner had he thrown his toys out the pram and quit, they went and won on their travels. Shame on Sunderland though, losing 2-0 at home to a QPR side missing my boy Charlie Austin.
City bounced back from their Hull debacle by toning Stoke at the Britannia. Stoke no longer have Huth and Shawcross at centre half and it’s showing as they’re a right soft touch now. They fell behind to a typical Aguero strike but soon got themselves level (Crouchy running wild again) and in the past you’d be expecting them to make a good fist of holding onto that. Not this team though, they don’t even look like Stoke anymore.
City ran riot in the second half and Milner got on the scoresheet for the second game in a row. He broke out the old Heskey DJ celebration too, which I’m taking as a sign he must be signing for us this summer. I expect to see him doing the Robot next time, and then the Wriggly Arms dance. Can’t see him doing the line sniff though, he’s too boring for that.
Dave
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