Aug 1: Hey we’re in for Jonas Hector. About fucking time.
Aug 2: Oh look, it’s the Transfer Window Grim Reaper James Pearce shooting the Hector link down, pissing on our chips again. Cheers James lad.
Aug 3: Bobby Brown Shoes has a new job. Manager of Belgium. Reckon the first thing he said to them at his interview was “I’ll win the World Cup for you”? I feel like he didn’t get anywhere near enough shit for that Champions League promise he made poor old gullible Bill. Imagine if that had been Rodgers, he'd never live it down. Speaking of whom, today he compared his current captain Scott Brown with Stevie. Sounds about right. He’ll be comparing their centre forward with Suarez next. What’s that you say? He did that too? Fucking hell.
Meanwhile there was a skin crawling night at Old Trafford as the Mancs and Blues sucked each other off at Rooney’s testimonial. And these cheeky twats had the balls to complain about us and Dortmund. Fucking hell.
Aug 4: I wrote something for ESPN yesterday about how Sturridge looks to have put his injury problems behind him and is about to complete his first full pre-season since he got here. Guess what, he’s injured now. Sorry about that everyone, I knew when I was typing it I shouldn’t tempt fate like that but went ahead and did it anyway. Not that it matters as I probably have as much chance of starting a tough away game as he does.
Aug 5: Mourinho is whining about other managers raising eyebrows about him paying £100m for Pogba, saying it’s “unethical”. Fuck off and die you loathsome, boring little short arse cunt. He’s fucking laughable, this so called great manager has one way of operating, spend as much as possible on the best players out there. Doesn’t develop shit, only wants ready made superstars and would probably be fucking hopeless without money, but we’ll never know because he’ll only take jobs where he can spend billions, because he’s a fucking phoney.
Honestly, this twat is going to ruin this entire season unless things go terribly for him. I can’t cope, my hatred for him is nuclear and I can see myself keeling over at some point because I’m not sure my heart will be able to handle the rage.
Aug 6: L 4 Barca 0 “It’s only a friendly” “they weren’t really trying” “it doesn’t mean anything” blah blah blah. You know what, fuck off. Beating Barcelona 4-0 and playing like that, DOES mean something. They never lose games like that, not even friendlies. We’re gonna be good against the top teams this year, it’s the alehouse ones that will give us the most trouble.
And I’m setting myself up for a major disappointment here, but I’ll say again, Grujic is fucking boss.
Aug 7: Mainz 4 L 0. It’s only a friendly, it doesn’t mean anything etc.
We found out today what Klopp’s little outburst against the S*n reporter yesterday was all about, as the bastards ran a story about Lovren’s missus playing away from home. Maybe I’m missing something here, but I don’t get why everyone seems to be lining up to kiss Kloppo’s arse here. He said last night “I don’t talk to the S*n anymore” and added that it’s because of something they are about to do, rather than something they’ve already done.
“Anymore” is the key word here. He was talking to them prior to this, as indeed every other LFC manager has, including Kenny. Their reporters aren’t banned from asking questions, it’s just that the club doesn’t allow them any exclusives. It’s always been this way.
Klopp is now apparently not going to talk to their LFC beat reporter because of this story about Lovren’s wife. Justified certainly, but let’s not make this more than it is, because if they hadn’t ran that story he’d have answered the question from the S*n hack last night, and given that it’s club policy I’ve got no problem with Klopp doing so.
It’s ironic though, in trying to have Lovren’s back he’s probably drawn far more attention to this story than it would have gotten if he’d just kept quiet.
Aug 8: Flippancy aside, I’m actually fuming about that shambles in Mainz yesterday. Why the fuck where we even there? Arranging a game less than 24 hours after playing Barca at Wembley was just fucking stupid. The players didn’t want to be there and the performance was woeful. I don’t even blame them.
They would have been buzzing coming off that Wembley pitch and that was the perfect way to get ready for the opening game. Instead they had to get on a plane to go and play another game the next day, against a team who play the same high tempo style that we do and are therefore a pain in the arse to play against. And why? It can’t have been about money, so either Klopp arranged this game just so he could go back and see all his old mates or it was part of the deal when we signed Karius. They didn't need to play it yesterday though, fucking hell.
The result genuinely does mean nothing, but what it has done is wiped the smile off our faces after Saturday. Could that be any more Liverpool? “Can’t have you enjoying yourselves and starting to think things might be on the up. No sir, here’s a big shit sandwich for you all to munch on”. If we beat Arsenal next weekend we’re nailed on to fuck it up against Burnley. Christ, I sound like my arl fella more and more every day. I know I’ve become a right miserable fucker of late, but I find it’s a little bit easier if you prepare yourself for this shit to happen rather than let it take you unawares.
Aug 9: John Stones signed for City from Everton and nobody even bothered to announce it. The story broke because City registered him in their Champions League squad and people got wind of it through looking on UEFA’s website. That’s pretty fucking arrogant that like. The money was obviously burning a hole in Koeman’s pocket as he lashed £30m Palace’s way for Bolasie. Great, that will soon wing it’s way to us in exchange for Benteke. Very neighbourly of you, Big Ron. And who knows, maybe Klopp will finally see sense and BUY A FUCKING LEFT BACK.
On the other side of Mancland there was no such low key behaviour as they made a song and dance - quite literally - of the Pogba signing. That rap video is the worst thing I’ve seen in my entire life. Normally I'd post a link to show what I'm talking about, but I just can't inflict that on any of you. I wish I could unsee it, it’s even worse than those Arsenal and Chelsea videos with the fans walking down the street singing. I fucking hate Paul Pogba; he’s an absolute fucking arrogant bellend, but he’s in good company now.
Staying with that deal for a second, and Mourinho was running his mouth again about Klopp and Wenger commenting on the huge fee. Apparently he doesn’t like other managers commenting on rival clubs spending policies. Just gonna leave this here…..
Aug 10: The Blues complete the signing of Ashley Williams to replace Stones. Great business that. Shame they went and ruined it by having poor old Ash do this….
Yeah, I’ve heard the same thing about catholic priests.
As for us, why the hell do we keep getting linked with Vermailen all the time? We’re not signing another centre back and if we were it definitely wouldn’t be a left footer who’s always injured. File this one away with all the other bullshit Barca links. Montoya, Tello and that centre half who no-one has ever heard of but keeps being linked with English clubs for £10m. Bartram or something?
Aug 11: I opted out of the autocup scheme last season in protest at the bastards charging £59 for Ludogorets and Basel. I still went to a few cup games but they were on spare tickets from mates and I never bought any direct from the club. This year I opted in because my mate John doesn’t get to go to many league games anymore so I said he could use my Dad’s ticket and we’d sit together for the cups. Today I discovered that if we get a PL team in either cup it’ll cost us £59 a ticket. Are you fucking kidding me? £59 to watch our fringe players take on Hull in the league cup? FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
You’d think maybe they learned something after the walkout, but obviously not. This is all about making up for the shortfall after the “price freeze” they gave us, while saying how they misjudged the situation and they’re sorry. Fucking shysters. It’s just blatantly taking the piss, and I hope people don’t pay it. I know I won’t. At what point do we say enough? They’re making more money than ever now with that TV deal, and while other clubs are spending like it’s going out of fashion, we’re looking like we might make a profit this window. Yet still they continue to fleece us.
Aug 12: Klopp says we won’t be ‘giving Balotelli away’. He’s right too, we can’t fucking give him away as no bastard wants him. He keeps getting linked with some Italian club that sounds like a performance enhancing drug but as if they’re gonna pay him 90k a week. Even the Chinese won’t take the fucker, and they’ll sign anyone.
Klopp was also banging on about wanting the fans to raise their game at Anfield. There was a time when I’d back the manager over stuff like this, but that time has long since passed. You can’t have it all ways. Charge us through the fucking nose so that loads of the hard core support gradually drift away as they can’t afford it. Encourage a load of corporate goons to take up the overpriced tickets, and then moan about how the atmosphere isn’t what it was. Sorry Kloppo, you can fuck off with that shit. If you want us be like Dortmund, tell your bosses to charge us the same as Dortmund or just shut the fuck up. It's not an apples to apples comparison.
Aug 13: Sturridge is passed fit for tomorrow but isn’t in the squad. The funny thing now is no-one is even arsed, which shows we’ve come a long way as it wasn’t that long ago when we were all desperate to have him back fit because we couldn’t score without him. Now you can make a strong argument he doesn’t get in our best team. Personally I’d still pick him for 75% of the games at least, it’s only the tough away games when I’d leave him out, but I don’t think Klopp feels that way.
Aug 14: Arse 3 L 4. Fucking hell. The good, the bad and the ugly were all on view here, but it’s hard to focus too much on the bad and the ugly when the good was so fucking good and we won the game. If we’re to do anything this season I feel like we need a strong start to build some momentum and confidence, so this was big for us. Mané though, fucking hell. He might be ready to just fucking explode over this league this year, that goal was breathtaking. No wonder Klopp got carried away. It was a real “wow” moment where you just sit back and think “what the fuck did I just see?”. A Michael Owen against Argentina moment. I'm almost feeling optimistic here. Burnley next week will put paid to that though I expect.
Aug 15: Bolasie signs in with the Blues which hopefully means we’ve got £30m coming our way for Big Ben. And who knows, maybe then we’ll BUY A FUCKING LEFT BACK. Yeah yeah I know, don’t get my hopes up etc
Aug 16: Catching up on the Academy games on LFCTV today. The u23s got walloped by Southampton on Sunday and this is something we might have to get used to as the squad is very, very young. Danny Ings played and scored but that was about the only positive. The 18s are also really young but they hammered Blackburn yesterday with some Canadian lad I’d never heard of scoring three. Liam Millar his name is, so maybe one to keep an eye on.
In other news, some Turkish agent says Lucas wanted to move to Galatasaray but Klopp blocked it. Not sure I’m buying this. Lucas has been linked with a Turkish club in every transfer window since he’s been here, but it’s never happened. He’s a serial flirt I reckon, but this is his testimonial year and although it’s easy to say “oh he won’t play, we’ve got loads of other midfielders” that’s also something that’s been said every transfer window since he’s been here, but he always seems to get his games. That says more about the club's lack of transfer prowess than it does anything about Lucas though, bless his little cotton socks.
Palace bid £23m plus add ons for Benteke. Cheeky twats. Just hand over the cash you got for Bolasie you chancers.
Aug 17: Torres has done an interview with Simon Hughes for his new book and he’s supposedly lifted the lid on why he left. Fucking hell Nando, we all know why you left and most don’t really blame you. The issue some of us have isn’t you leaving, it’s the fact you couldn’t be arsed putting a shift in for the best part of a year before you did. Bet you don't address that in the book though.
Also today, Henderson tips Coutinho to “enter the group of elite players like Messi, Ronaldo and Suarez”. Fucking hell, has he not been paying attention these last three years? Does he not know that those lads do it every single week, and not just a dozen times a season? There’s more chance of Coutinho vanishing up his own arse at Burnley this weekend as there is of him repeating what he did to Arsenal. It gives me no pleasure saying that, but it’s true and mentioning him in the same breath as Messi just makes you look like a knob, Jordan, so stop it.
You know that Ruben Neves kid, the Portuguese lad who everyone raves about and we’re said to have been tracking for two years? Well tonight he cried his eyes out on the bench because he thought he was coming on as sub but the coach put someone else on instead. Massive red flag there. Let him go to Arsenal, they’re a team of absolute fannies so he’ll fit right in. Actually, who am I kidding, we're as soft as them these days, Milner is probably the only "mans man" we've got in the entire squad. Shit, now I'm sounding like my mum.
Aug 18: Klopp launches a spirited defence of Moreno, which is only to be expected of course. A lot of what he said was bollocks but he cleared him of blame for the Arsenal first goal, which was something I mentioned in the match report, as if Moreno is being told to bomb forward as soon as we win possession (which Klopp admits he is) then he can’t be blamed for being caught out of position. He’s still shite like, but it feels like a witch hunt now. It’s fine our fans all thinking he’s crap, but when all the press and pundits are piling on him I almost, almost, want to come to his defence myself, which is mad as he does my head in.
Meanwhile, Palace finally came in with a serious offer for Benteke and he’ll almost certainly be joining them now. I’ve got a fair bit of time for Benteke, I think he’s handled things well all things considered but he just wasn’t right for us. He’ll be good for Palace, he’ll keep them up like he did Villa for three years. We’ve lost a few mil on the deal but it was worth it to send Villa down.
Just gonna leave this here as a reminder…..
Aug 19: Cam Brannagan’s loan move to Wigan falls through because they couldn’t guarantee him 75% of games. No probs, we can just send him on loan to Barcelona, they’ve been after him for four years apparently so job’s a good un. What?
Also today, Wee Joe says he only found out he was being sold to Stoke when he got a text from a friend, and the club never told him. Poor form that admittedly, but he must have known they were getting rid of him as we all knew it. It had been in the papers for months and the fact they made no attempt to renew his contract was a pretty big fucking clue like.
Aug 20: Burnley 2 L 0 Well I did call this, but if I’m being truthful I didn’t actually seriously believe we’d fuck it up. I was saying it to try and cushion the blow if it happened, but it doesn’t really cushion anything, I'm sick as an Alan Stubbs here. This is exactly why this group of players can never be trusted, and if Klopp can’t see it then we’re going nowhere unfortunately. How many times do we have to come unstuck against a team that plays like this before we find the answer on how to overcome it?
Aug 21: Suarez got another hat-trick last night. Par for the course really, it feels like any time we have a disheartening loss he rubs salt in the open wound by doing something boss. He’s scored 17 goals in his last six starts. That’s just fucking incredible. *sobs*
There was something that cheered me up today though. Brian Kerr went to town on Klavan yesterday on Irish TV, saying "I must say about Klavan, they surprised me when they signed him. He plays for Estonia, he has about 120 caps. He played against the Faroes when I was in the Faroes and I remember studying him before the match and thinking he was a bit of a weak link. I never thought he was a fella who would be playing for Liverpool in the Premier League. Maybe my judgement wasn't very good but we got three goals against him with the Faroes. A load of lads working in the fishing industry and so on. They were good enough to expose him."
Today, the Estonian FA responded with this:
There are three big mistakes in these quotes: 1) Faroe Island have never scored three goals against Estonia as claimed. They scored two; 2) In that game when Mr Kerr was coaching Faroe Islands and they scored two goals (07.06.2011), Klavan did not play. 3) Mistake number two means that the last sentence "A load of lads working in the fishing industry and so on. They were good enough to expose him." is not true as Klavan did not play in that match.
That's some epic fail shit right there Brian.
Aug 22: Sick of all this China bollocks. Does anyone actually believe this shit anymore and why is it always the Times running these stories? FSG aren’t going anywhere while the value of their investment continues to grow. What did they pay for us? £300m or something? They’d get treble that if they sold now and the value is still increasing. Werner said in the Echo the other day they aren’t interested in selling, and why would they be? They’re about as interested in selling as they are in winning.
In other news, Brian Kerr went to the beach today...
Aug 23: Burton 0 L 5 Exactly the kind of performance you want against a lower league side. Started well, got on top of them early and never allowed them to get into it at any point. Mané is brilliant, it’s early days but bloody hell you can just see he’s got ‘it’ hasn’t he? Good to have Origi and Sturridge in the goals too, and it will be interesting to see which one gets the nod at Spurs, or if teacher’s pet Firmino will be up front again.
Aug 24: Balotelli still won’t flush but once again we’re seeing some jabroni teams linking themselves with him just to get a bit of publicity for themselves. Sion, Nice, Sassuolo and Everton today.
One player who has left is u23 left back Sam Hart, who has gone on loan to Port Vale. Not to worry, I’m sure there’s a slow right winger in Michael Beale’s squad who can fill in.
Aug 25: Much ado about nothing concerning some quotes from Sturridge about not liking playing out wide. Two points here. Firstly, he said pretty much exactly the same thing that Milner did about playing left back. He doesn’t enjoy playing there but will do what’s best for the team etc. No-one was arsed about Milner saying it, but Sturridge is getting flak for some reason.
Secondly, if he was saying this about Hodgson picking him wide for England, the reaction from a lot of our fans would be the polar opposite to what it is now. Hodgson was ridiculed for playing Sturridge wide, yet when Klopp does it… I’m usually one of the first to boot the boot into Sturridge, but really don’t see what he’s meant to have done wrong here.
Meanwhile, here's Brian Kerr snowboarding...
Aug 26: Lawro and Brendan both say we should buy Joe Hart. That’s as good a reason as any not to then. I mean fucking hell, not only has he making more mistakes than Mignolet, and not only have we just bought a keeper with rich potential, but Hart is on a king’s ransom in wages and would cost £20m. There’s absolutely no reason whatsoever to sign him, and it’s utterly fucking bizarre that people who should know better don’t see that.
One player who were are actually trying to sign is Dortmund teenager Christian Pulisic, who for whatever reason the club clearly briefed the local reporters that we’ve bid £11m for. I’m a right cynical twat these days as instead of being excited at us moving for one of the best young players in world football I’m thinking things such as “why the fuck wait until so late in the window?” and “as if Dortmund are going to accept £4m less than we got for Jordon fucking Ibe” and “this has got deadline day failure written all over it”.
Here’s how this will play out. Dortmund will laugh at our valuation, we’ll say Dortmund are being unrealistic and either make an increased offer that’s miles below what they want or we’ll just walk away and “monitor his situation”. The Echo will report that we’re still hopeful of doing a deal and will revisit the deal in January. Then, the lad will have a storming season and either stay at Dortmund or join someone bigger next summer. Or we’ll just mysteriously not follow up on it at all, like that Konoplyanka goon.
Aug 27: Spurs 1 L 1 Should have won but it’s hardly a surprise they managed to fuck it up as that’s what they do. We should have been out of sight before we gave up the inevitable shitty, needless goal. I should probably be cutting them a bit more slack considering we’ve got a draw and outplayed a team that usually finish above us, but this is where I’m at with these pricks now. Any time they don’t win I find myself just ripping into them with a cynicism I’ve never really had before. I can’t help it, my tolerance threshold for this group of players is zero. I could look at this as “good performance, a bit unlucky, we’ll get ‘em next time” etc but I can’t because they just do my fucking head in.
Aug 28: Luis Alberto is off to Lazio. At least we only lost a few mil on him and he wasn’t the absolute disaster that most of the others who arrived in that window were. Wisdom is off too, on loan to Red Bull Salzburg. How fucking random is that? Fair play to him for taking on the challenge of going to another country though, not many young English lads do that so I hope he does well there. Maybe he’ll finally get to play centre half?
Meanwhile, we knew Allardyce as England boss was going to be amusing, and here’s the first “Mike Basset” type incident. He’s bringing in Paddy McGuiness and Bradley fucking Walsh to entertain the lads. The only thing I’m surprised about is it wasn’t Chubby Brown and Jim Davidson. At least Sam is current with his unfunny cunts I suppose. Be interesting to see how many players suddenly develop little knocks and pull out the squad. Probably none, they are footballers after all, they probably think Walsh is hilarious. I bet Milner is made up he got out when he did though.
Aug 29: I don’t know what to make of Klopp right now. I always had him down as a straight shooter, but some of the stuff he’s come out with regarding the left back position is blatantly bullshit. He didn’t sign someone because he always felt that Milner could do it? Yeah of course you did, so why go for Chilwell then? Maybe if he’d got him he’d have sold Moreno and still gone with Milner. It’s possible, but if so it positively reeks of a cop out. He wants Milner in his team (and so do I) but doesn’t want to drop any of the other midfielders, so he’s shoehorning him in at left back.
Aug 30: What the fuck? Apparently Sakho has been told he won’t play a single minute this season so he needs to go out on loan or else. He turned down Stoke and Klopp isn’t happy about it. This whole thing stinks. If Klopp wants rid of him that’s fine. Sell him and buy a replacement (we need four centre halves) but just be honest about it. The way this has been handled is fucking weird, and trying to force him out on loan smacks of wanting to save on his salary and maybe pick up a few mil loan fee. All about the money. Again.
Aug 31: No new signings, but a turd finally flushed. Mario left for free, but at least we didn’t have to pay him off. I was one of those idiots who felt when we signed him that if (or more likely when) it didn’t work out we’d still get a decent wedge back and wouldn’t lose too much. Couldn’t have been more wrong on that one.
Markovic went too, on loan obviously, no-one is stupid enough to actually buy the cunt, but Sakho and Ilori are still here though. Wonder who has the better chance of getting a call up from Klopp?
I'll sign off this month with a video of Brian Kerr's cat...
Until next time then….
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