With not too many Premier League games this week we got some extended coverage on MOTD, which should have been be a good thing seeing as how we won 5-0 and Mo scored four goals. I was really looking forward to sitting down to it and enjoying the analysis afterwards, but then I saw Shay Given and Martin Keown.
Not great that, although I do enjoy Keown’s unusual style where he likes to tell us what players are thinking. “He’s thinking, I’m going to cut inside him and get a shot away”. He’s thinking “I’m going to take his legs away before he gets near the penalty area”. He’s thinking “I wonder if the cameras are picking up my new sleeve tattoo”.
When Mo apologised to the Watford keeper after putting four past him, Keown knew what he was thinking. “He’s not sorry at all. He’s ruthless”. I like knowing what footballers are thinking so Martin is a valuable resource.
Shay Given though? I’ll be honest, I don’t really give a fuck what he thinks about anything other than goalkeeping. Still, maybe he’d prove me wrong? Nope. Instead of focusing on Salah’s brilliance and the tactical set up that allowed him to thrive (such as Sadio repeatedly coming in off the wing and linking play), he was bleating on about how difficult it’s going to be for us to keep him. Fucks sake lad, you’re not on MUTV, turn it in you chip pissing on walloper.
If Keown had been analysing me on Saturday night he’d have said “He's thinking: Fucking hell, bring back Jermaine Jenas, all is all forgiven.”
Anyway, onto the rest of Saturday’s action. Charlie Adam was sent off for a late lunge on Rooney as Stoke crashed at home to the Blues. It was pretty bad and it’s the kind of thing he does fairly regularly, not because he’s nasty but because he’s a right clumsy slow bastard. To his credit, rather than protest the red card he was apologising to Rooney, which shows his contrition was genuine.
He should have been apologising to his team-mates, manager and the fans too, because this was a must win game for Stoke and he condemned them to a catastrophic defeat that makes their fight to survive that much more difficult.
A home game against Everton is as good an opportunity to get three points as there is. The Blues are pitiful on their travels but even they would struggle not to beat a bottom three side who were a man down.
Tosun scored twice, prompting Allardyce to come out with this:
Tap ins and follow ups! Hahahaha. Fucking hell. Talk about damning with feint praise. It helps when Jack Butland is the one trying to keep them out. He was at fault for both goals. It’s too early for us to be able to make a proper judgement on whether Karius is going to be good enough, but I’ll happily state here and now that I’d rather have him than Butland.
In between those goals Stoke had briefly drawn level when Choupo-Moting turned in a free-kick from Wee Joe and somehow hurt his bollocks and had to go off. Not sure if Pickford caught him with his studs or if he just pulled something, but he seemed to be holding his nuts rather than his groin. Whatever it was, it looked painful.
He was three yards out when he scored and Pickford was rooted to the spot. England have a big problem with the goalkeeper position. Still, not sure calling up Cleatus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from Burnley is going to solve anything.
Stoke are fucked. Losing at home to a team that never wins away is the kind of thing that only Liverpool and relegated teams do. They’ve got Arsenal away next, and although you never know with Arsenal, I can’t see Stoke getting anything there.
The game was played in a blizzard and the pitch was covered in snow. So where was the fucking orange ball, eh? One of the many great things about 80s football was an orange ball on a snowy pitch, but now when there’s a covering of snow on the pitch the ball is virtually invisible to the cameras. Sort it out, knobheads.
Meanwhile, Huddersfield are right back in trouble after losing 2-0 at home to Palace. They went into the game with a four point lead over the Hodge but that’s down to a point now. If Zaha hadn’t gotten injured Palace would be well clear and it’s no co-incidence that they got back to winning ways as soon as he returned to the starting line up.
Tomkins got their opener and Milovojevic added a second from the spot. Is it me, or do Palace get more penalties than anyone else? Most teams at the bottom never get them but it feels like Palace get more than any of the top sides, let alone the dregs of the league.
Speaking of the dregs of the league, West Brom lost again even though they took the lead at Bournemouth through Rodriguez. Ibe equalised with a wickedly swerving shot from distance that Foster will feel he should have done better with, and Stanislas curled in a last minute free-kick to leave poor old Pards looking sick on the touchline.
Jonny Evans has revealed that some players cried in the dressing room afterwards. The lack of games means I'm struggling to make this last as long as a Luke Shaw start in a United game, so we may as well fill a couple of paragraphs by having a bit of a guess as to who the cry babies were.
I'm ruling out Evans himself as he's from Belfast. No way is he crying in front of other men, and if he did there's no way he's telling the press about it. So it's not him, so it isn't. It's not fellow Belfast boy Chris Brunt either, at least I hope it isn't. I'm ruling out that big giant Egyptian centre half too. He's too big to cry; it would look fucking ridiculous.
Rondon is tougher than a three week old steak so it's defo not him. Jay Rodriguez is a maybe, as is Jake Livermore. Could be Ben Foster too I suppose, as he always seems like a fella who cares and he looked dejected when he let in that shot from Ibe. Not Craig Dawson though, he's old school so he'll have waited until he got home before letting it all out in his garden shed. Nyom? Nah. Yacob is South American and they wear their hearts on their sleeves so I wouldn't completely rule him out.
Let's face it though; we're all thinking the same thing here. Kieran Gibbs still positively reeks of Arsenal which means he's defo a bit of a fanny. Nailed on it was him sat in the corner blubbering, worrying whether there is such a thing as West Brom Fan TV and if there is will they say nasty things about him.
And that's all I got. See you the week after next for a full round up.
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